Pajiba

YES! Dustin's back, and better than ever - YAY!

Um. I don't remember Dwayne Johnson being in the first two Mummy films. I believe the mummy was played by Arnold Vosloo. Johnson was in the Scorpion King.

Oops. Noted and corrected. Got carried away with all my enthusiasm. -- DR

Hmm, tapping your foot under bathroom stalls, huh? Dustin? Really?

Didn't you love this review as much as I did? Can't we continue the trend set by this review by having all the comments consist of rhetorical questions? Who wouldn't want a frontal lobotomy instead of watching this movie?

Do my eyes deceive me, or is that the lovely John Hannah in the previews? And if so, I wonder what kind of favour he owed someone?

This movie was so far off my radar that I had no idea Maria Bello would be in it. Now, armed with the life-affirming knowledge that Maria Bello will prostitute herself...I'm off to Hollywood! Does anyone here know how to cash out an IRA?

Dustin, the one thing you forgot to mention was the amazingly, wonderful cliched one-liner dialogue that I'm almost positive was written by George Lucas himself. Dialogue that bad could only be written by Lucas himself. ["Die you mummy bastards, die!!!] or perhaps [Now you can rule... in Hell!!!] Sure, I can see if maybe Arnold were saying them... but damn it, Luckas... JOHN HANNAH?!?!?!

Played rock paper scissors with the hubby to see who would get to either take half of the kids to see the Dark Knight, or the Mummy 3. I lost. He loved Dark Knight. If I live as long as these dumb ass mummies I will never let him forget this. No sex for a month.

I regret both the fact that I know this, and that I have a compulsive need to correct things, but:
The Rock was in the second Mummy film, The Mummy Returns, thus enabling him to star in the spinoff, The Scorpion King. So you were half right both the first and second times, Dustin.

Hey bitches,

Didja notice I was FIRST up there?!

Wasn't it cool that I didn't mention it??

Almost as cool as refreshing this muthafucker for 2 hours straight just for the pathetic honor, so I could then blow it all away with my extraordinary nutsackiness??!!

Thenk yew veddy mooch.

Um. I don't remember Dwayne Johnson being in the first two Mummy films.

He was in 'Returns,' although only for the opener and a brief, badly CG'd turn at the end.

Oh hey, but one of the 'writers' is the producer for the upcoming Hannah Montana: The Movie. See, it can get worse!

... and I thought it was dull as all hell except for one decent joke, but someone's going to take you to task for that shot at Dragonheart.

... and wait, Yetis? Did you say Yetis?

PASS!!!

I could tell right off the bat this was gonna blow. It was inevitable. And yet, my friend is still gonna drag me to see it, damnit.

On a happier note...YAY Dustin's back in fine form!

Was Johnson is the second Mummy movie? Damn.

The convoluted illogic and over-the-top special effects of the Mummy 2: Electric Boogaloo pummeled me into catatonia. I have absolutely no memory of him and his well-oiled pecs. At all.

I think I may have to see Mummy 3: Every Which Way You Can Be just for the kick-ass ninja Yetis.

They are Ninja Yetis, right?

John Hannah's been in them all, unlike that hoity toity gentrified hag Weisz!

Yeah, I'm callin you out, girl!! Couldn't be bothered this time, huh? Not contractually bound like the Traveling Pants girls? Well, uh...you best be working on being Ava Lord in "Sin City 2" as has been apparently rumoured cause, uh......well, that'd be fantastic. Okay?

They are Ninja Yetis, right?

Dear Godtopus...that's so brilliant it made my pants cry! I demand ninja yetis!

Did you dislike Rachel Weisz in the first two Mummy films? Awesome! Maria Bello takes her place here as Rick's wife
I knew something was up when they made it a point to only show the asian chick in the previews. I don't really know what it is about Rachel Weisz but she makes me want to do notty things.

Oh Dustin, your poor 1/! key. Is it writhing in agony at the beating it received while you wrote this review?

For this film, I expected nothing less in a review than what you delivered. Snicker, snicker. Yet, I shed a lone tear for Brendan Fraser's career.

This is terrible. I will watch anything with John Hannah in it, which means I'm reduced to this.

Seriously, anything, even that documentary he narrated about homicidal chimpanzees.

Maria Bello....And for once in her career, she actually doesn't take her clothes off!

What? How dare they! SACRILEGE!!!!!!!!

Maria Bello HAS to be naked for at least five seconds in every movie!!!! The only reason I accepted her clothed nonsense from Thank You For Smoking was because I was getting my rocks off from Eckhart!!!!

I don't care if kids might watch it; hell a few of 'em can use a little early puberty! I want some naked Bello, dammit!!!!

The Mummy 3 features the stoic Jet Li, a martial arts master who is replaced by a cheesy CGI version of himself for most of the film, and he doesn't do anything for the watchability factor.

So, just like The Rock in Mummy Returns, huh? Does this mean we will get another spinoff with Li?

Hurray, Dustin! Spot on review!

We had to watch this for work, and the link to this review will soon be sent to everyone in my department.

And tatertot, the Yetis are sadly lacking in Ninja prowess. They're a lot more like NFL players. One of them actually punts a bad guy. Punts him. I kid you not.

Poor, pretty John Hannah. I'd ask how his delightfully talented ass got caught up in this mess, but I think ignorance could equal bliss here.

So, just like The Rock in Mummy Returns, huh? Does this mean we will get another spinoff with Li?

Damnit, Vermillion, shut your pie-hole! Someone...sinister... might hear...

Jayne, thank you for mentioning the documentary Hannah narrated. I've never heard of it before, but now I must find it.

Just imagining hearing him say "homicidal chimpanzees" was enough to give me a naughty tingle. Context be damned!

Definitely on par with Mummy Returns and The Scorpion King, it truly lives up to their standard.

Except that Mummy Returns and Scorpion King were still watchable. And had all the original cast

Except that Mummy Returns and Scorpion King were still watchable. And had all the original cast

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 1, 2008 4:03 PM

Depends on your definition of watchable...:)

I think combined I like about 30 minutes total of The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. I love mindless action movies, but these kind of bored me.

Except for the flashback scene where Rachel Weisz fights Marta from Arrested Development. That was all kinds of super hot lady fun.

Except for the flashback scene where Rachel Weisz fights Marta from Arrested Development. That was all kinds of super hot lady fun.

Best scene in the entire series. They should have kept fighting with clothes coming off, flying every which way as they leaped Xena-style around each other and kept pulling weapons off the walls.. And then all the unrepressed sexual tension and battle-frenzy would lead to a standoff with mutual orgasms.

I want more exclamation points!!!!! And more Weeeee!!!!

Great review, welcome back Dustin. I probably will rent this eventually, maybe for a Hangover Theater viewing.

Meh, Dustin Rowles is overrated.

Meh, Dustin Rowles is overrated.

Well, Old Iguana, refunds are available by clicking the box marked with an "X" at the upper right corner of your browser window...

Or upper left if using a substandard computer.

Fact: Chimpanzees are 84% water and 66% murderous rage. Also, they hate top hats and don't acknowledge your safe word.

jM, you crack me up so much.

Well, Old Iguana, refunds are available by clicking the box marked with an "X" at the upper right corner of your browser window...

Posted by: Grover at August 1, 2008 4:37 PM

I wonder what's gonna happen with your cozy little world view when I just don't do what you are ordering me to do, Mr. Che Guevara?

That's why I always use banana as my safe word.

That's why I always use banana as my safe word.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 1, 2008 4:43 PM
___________________________________

That or, "plantain."

plantain.

I wonder what's gonna happen with your cozy little world view when I just don't do what you are ordering me to do, Mr. Che Guevara?

Che Grovera? Hmmm...kind of has a ring to it. Oh, wait -- you weren't that clever.

Damned if I can extract an order, or even a command of any kind, from my first response to you. Who knew iguanas were so sensitive?

Try this on for size, O Aged Reptilian One: I order you to be a smug, witless nutsack of the most ordinary variety. My money is on you obeying my command...

My safe word is and always will be, "fuck you, stupid monkey."

What can I say - I like the rough trade.

I order you to be a smug, witless nutsack of the most ordinary variety. My money is on you obeying my command...

Posted by: Grover at August 1, 2008 5:05 PM

Superfluous, bubba.

I'm too much reptile for you, son.

Move on.

...tic...toc...tic... toc...

Yeah reeeeally think it through....

Wow, another Friday, another flame war.

I could set a watch if I wore one.

If I seem overly bilious in my response to you, OI, it's because I happen to hold Dustin in high regard for matters unrelated to this site -- so your throwaway barb aimed at him coupled with your ridiculous response to me tripped my gag reflex big time. Meh. Bring on the weekend.

Fact: Chimpanzees are 84% water and 66% murderous rage. Also, they hate top hats and don't acknowledge your safe word.

Unlike pandas, whom you can safely violate with nothing more than a soft, mournful "PuurrgrruUUUUuuu" to disturb you.

osted by: Old Iguana at August 1, 2008 5:13 PM

Wow, another Friday, another flame war.

I could set a watch if I wore one.

Posted by: twig at August 1, 2008 5:14 PM

If I seem overly bilious in my response to you, OI, it's because I happen to hold Dustin in high regard for matters unrelated to this site -- so your throwaway barb aimed at him coupled with your ridiculous response to me tripped my gag reflex big time. Meh. Bring on the weekend.

Posted by: Grover at August 1, 2008 5:14 PM

I'll be taking over from Mr. Iguana.

-----------------------------------------

Don't sweat it Groveman.

Hi Pajibikans! went through some shit now I'm back.

PS: Rowles is overrated :)

Holy Shit!!!!

It's BARBADOSLIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Slim, is that really you? Wondered what you had gotten yourself into -- "shit" is an entirely plausible explanation, though. I'm a relative newcomer, but your reputation precedes you. Welcome home.

Holy Shit!!!!

It's BARBADOSLIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!

I kid...I keed...

Unlike pandas, whom you can safely violate with nothing more than a soft, mournful "PuurrgrruUUUUuuu" to disturb you.

Thanks, Vermillion. Now I need new pants.

Posted by: Grover at August 1, 2008 5:27 PM

:)

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!

I kid...I keed...

All right now...I still owe you a mounting for your Ghost in the Shell remarks. Don't think I forgot.

Old Iguana/B-Slim!

I think I may have just squeed myself.

Overrated, indeed.

Giddyup. The original Pajiba troll, here to put the also-rans in their fucking place. The place has missed you, B-Slim. And my ego needed some checking.

Welcome back, buddy.

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!

I kid...I keed...

All right now...I still owe you a mounting for your Ghost in the Shell remarks. Don't think I forgot.

Posted by: Vermillion at August 1, 2008 5:32 PM

Old Iguana/B-Slim!

I think I may have just squeed myself.

Overrated, indeed.

Giddyup. The original Pajiba troll, here to put the also-rans in their fucking place. The place has missed you, B-Slim. And my ego needed some checking.

Welcome back, buddy.

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at August 1, 2008 5:33 PM
----------------------------------------------

Thanx guys, lemme just say, Burma is just...something.... I won't discuss here.

I owe you summethin Mr. Rowles :)
Haven't forgotten, and as for you Verm, ah, you ...disturb me. :)

How freakin' weird is that, I sit down to watch the new Futurama movie, and BarbadoSlim returns?!!

Welcome back, oh great rouser of rabble!

Jeepers!

B-Slim is back from the dead!

I think I'll throw a Molotov cocktail on this fucking BarbadoSlim homo love fest.

Dear Whitey,

You already own every Meth lab and Coochie parlor in America, must you make use believe that somehow that faggot Brendan Fraser can kick Jet Li's ass?

Posted by: MO(meaux) at August 1, 2008 5:47 PM

As that great philosopher, I think it was Plato, said: "what is light, without darkness"

I think it was Plato, hmmm maybe it was Aristotle, anyway one of them said it.

Or was it Socrates, right after he asked; I drank what!?!?!? ah..! ah?

Bah, I don't know why I even bother with the A material with you people.

Posted by: Alabamapink at August 1, 2008 5:47 PM
------------------------------------
Hello!

I think I'll throw a Molotov cocktail on this fucking BarbadoSlim homo love fest.

Posted by: Pookie at August 1, 2008 5:48 PM

I expect nothing less from a Ya...wait...Harvard is it?

I still think you came from George W's alma-mater
Can't quite seem to put my finger on it.

Yeesh! In one point three nano-instants the board's gravity was drawn irreversibly toward the Myanmar-traveling, hemlock-swilling-philosopher quoting, Ivy-League referencing mass that is...BS. I'm impressed, sir. Verily.

The damn commercial on the radio for this movie plays 40 times a day, and the lines from the movie use the word "mummy" so many times, I can actually hear the actors' eyelashes when they're winking at the audience.

Holy shit, Slim, how the hell did you get out of TK's basement???

Holy shit, Slim, how the hell did you get out of TK's basement???

Posted by: lordhelmet at August 1, 2008 6:04 PM
----------------------------------------------

All it took was: a jumbo jar of Vaseline, two rubber bands and a continuous looped tape of Bon Jovi's Living on Prayer.

True story.

All it took was: a jumbo jar of Vaseline, two rubber bands and a continuous looped tape of Bon Jovi's Living on Prayer.

True story.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 1, 2008 6:07 PM

Oh -- so you had the batteries from the tape player to generate ignition spark. No trick at all, in that case.

BSlim, you were gone the exact length of time it takes a gay preacher to go through one of those homo to straight re-education programs.

Oh -- so you had the batteries from the tape player to generate ignition spark. No trick at all, in that case.

Posted by: Grover at August 1, 2008 6:10 PM

----------------------------------------------

Spark yes, I won't go into how the fat from human flesh can generate enough heat to burn through duct tape.....mmmmm It's best not to think about it...yeah...

BSlim, you were gone the exact length of time it takes a gay preacher to go through one of those homo to straight re-education programs.

Posted by: Pookie at August 1, 2008 6:15 PM

Of course, you speak from experience.

:)

Oh and and Pookster, what was it that (Vermillion will appreciate this), Tyrannus said to Assaj Ventress?....mmmm yeah:

"You, are no Sith"

Twig....but someone's going to take you to task for that shot at Dragonheart.

Yeah, that was so not cool. Dragonheart is lovely.

BSlim, you've caught me flat footed. I have no response to your masterful attack on me. The only thing I have left to play is my very own version of the death star, which is the race card. BSlim, why do you hate the blacks? Relax homos, I'm just kidding.

Pajiba, I hope you see fit to give Mr. Rowles the honor of reviewing "Swing Vote". Like Andrew in "Philadelphia" Mr. Prisco has been in a fog lately and his work is suffering.

"You, are no Sith"
Damn! Slim is back with a vengeance.
After months of Pookanny (Pookie-induced tyranny), Will he bring balance to the Force?

I was going to post something about the awesome use of exclamation points in this review but after reading all the comments I'm not sure where it would fit in.

...I like Dustin.

BSlim, you've caught me flat footed. I have no response to your masterful attack on me.

Posted by: Pookie at August 1, 2008 6:55 PM

Should we relive the scene from Episode IV, (damn you LUCAS, DAMN YOU!! Greedo shot first!)

..ok ...ok...and: ACTION!

*cough* *cough* "...only a master of evil Pookie,(interesting note, one of the grips slipped on a...oops sorry)..ok *cough* STRIKE me down and I shall become more powerful than...CUT!

Lucas: ok let's do this again..

Slim: NOPE, I only do ONE! take...AMATEURS, do more than one take..."

True story.

Yeah, the family got a lot of buffers.

lemme just say, Burma is just...something

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhh! B-Slim! Did you see Rambo wrangling snakes there?

I'll have you know that I surreptitiously emailed Dustin about your oh-so-nonchalant reappearance in the TDK vs. IM thread while in the middle of an argument to a duly appointed judge of the great State of California.

Whassup my son?

"...emailed Dustin about your oh-so-nonchalant reappearance in the TDK vs. IM thread while in the middle of an argument to a duly appointed judge of the great State of California..."

Whassup my son?
-----------------------------------------

You Blackberried that hahahaha? Extra points if you can place the "Old Iguana" moniker. And speaking of duly appointed judges, I've had a hell of a time with the State Supreme Judges on my jurisdiction, Burma, would had have been better.

Picking up the pieces and moving moving forward!

would've?

would have?

screw you people.

Old Iguana

Hmmmm, dried out weed?

FYI: I knew who "Old Iguana" was, and I was so thrilled to see him in Pajiba Love earlier that I came this close to saying, "Boy, I wish BarbadoSlim was still around... Like back in the olden days, before spambots got first comment."

True story.

Old Iguana

Hmmmm, dried out weed?

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at August 1, 2008 8:50 PM
------------------------------------------

hahahahahaha nah, try Convoy, pfffffffft, I laugh at your movie Kung Fu.

FYI: I knew who "Old Iguana" was, and I was so thrilled to see him in Pajiba Love earlier that I came this close to saying, "Boy, I wish BarbadoSlim was still around... Like back in the olden days, before spambots got first comment."

True story.

Posted by: Stacey at August 1, 2008 8:54 PM

Reaaaaally, I seriously, not to be sexist or anything but, I thought one of the guys would figure it out first *ponders*

You sure?

No way dude. Back in the Indy 4 thread? Fo' sho.

You can't fool me.

No way dude. Back in the Indy 4 thread? Fo' sho.

You can't fool me.

Posted by: Stacey at August 1, 2008 9:49 PM

----------------------------------------

Now look here, missy, I'm not going into a debate with some hysterical female. Let's just agree that your husband/boyfriend/hipster buddy/female Saturn owner? probably gave you a hint and move on.

oooook.

Missed you too, a-hole!

But can you still do splits across the WHOLE FLOOR, BSlim???

Good to see you again!

Well, holleee sheeitt, B-Slim's back and in grand style, which makes my world feel a lot more on its axis than it's been in a long time!

Your absence was respectfully kept low-key, and though I fumed with curiosity the entire time I kept my questions to myself. Now that the very embodiment of "scathing and bitchy" commentary on this excellent site has returned (wouldn't have believed it until Dustin confirmed it), along with the appearance of a semi-retired Pookie and some more great Vermillion writing further confirming it for me, I go to bed a happy Pajiban, so much more mature and refined in my nearly-extraordinary nutsackiness that I hope you don't have trouble catching up--

Right, as if you ever followed a trend anyway, muthafucka!!

Missed you too, a-hole!

Posted by: Stacey at August 1, 2008 10:11 PM

That time of the month, I knew it..don't worry...I understand, sugartits.

----------------------------------------

Posted by: Lainey at August 1, 2008 10:15 PM

Posted by: TMax at August 1, 2008 10:18 PM

------------------------------------------------

As for the rest of you: This the way it's gonna be:

I don't like anyone touching my stuff, and more importantly, I don't want anyone touching ME.

Anyone of you ASSHOLES, touches me, I'll kill ya.

Now, now, you get some sleep hon, ain't no one gonna be messin' in yo' stuff.. you wit' frens now..

Lighten up, Francis!

So, what you're saying is that these three films won't be replacing the Evil Dead trilogy at the summit of greatness?

What the fuck?

B-Slim?

Bitch, who let your ass out of the cage?

Posted by: TK at August 1, 2008 11:26 PM

You are a dead man, you made a mistake, you broke MY HEART (and you left me alive) FREDO...err TK....*long sensuous kiss* you broke my heart.

You can run but you can't hide (I think those are the most appropriate clichés here)...anyway, I'm probably stalking you with a .45 *dramatic music*

"I'm probably stalking you with a .45 *dramatic music*"

Ugh. As long as there aren't any doves.

I'd say welcome back, but... well... now I just have to go back to planning your death. Plus, where were you when this happened.

Ahhhh. . . . drink in hand, B-Slim escaped from the basement, Pookie in rare, somewhat spambot-ish form, and TK confirming (one assumes) that the zombie hordes continue to serve him (and not B-Slim. What a lovely night.

You just sealed your destiny, friend, I shall write my Reign of Fire counter review and....eh copy it onto a DVD that will be slipped neatly beneath one of the pieces of your severed carcass. The head, NO...one of your arms NOOOO your torso. (is that gonna be extra postage....?)...I'll figure it out...

Oh, and I'm gonna need an address list of people, that you know, care about your worthless hide.

Well, the good news is that's a short goddamn list.

The bad news is you gotta pry it out of my cold, dead fucking hand. And I got an army between your punk ass and that hand, buddy.

I did not expect this movie to be good. Only extremely silly people would expect this movie to be good. But I was hoping that "The Mummy III: Reanimation of Brendan Fraser's Hair Plugs" would be at least okay, since it's the ONLY movie that my local theater is selling tickets for, and I was going to go see "The Dark Knight" again. ::le sigh:: They're just not even in the same league, are they? Brendan Fraser isn't even the poor man's Christian Bale; he's like the homeless man's poor pubic lice's version of Christian Bale. Maybe. If it was an exceptionally well-kempt homeless person.

Yay B-Slim!!

Your presence was definitely missed. Although speculating about the odd events that may have befallen you was pretty fun.

Anyone of you ASSHOLES, touches me, I'll kill ya.

Lighten up, Francis.

"You just made the list."

Wait, Pee Wee's Big Adventure makes the list? That movie, nay, FILM is a warm gooey slice of brilliance. I used to think I knew what you were about.

I, for one, would pay to see a movie that featured Ninja Yetis. The juxtaposition (Huge White Furry Creatures who wear black and kill by stealth!) just beggars the imagination.

Apart from that, I knew from the trailer that this movie would blow chunks, suck them back up through its nose and blow those chunks out of its ass. A Borobudur of Suckage.

No, they're referring to Uncle Hulka, not Bux-TON.

I watched a 1 minute long "making of" thingie and you're all just misunderstanding the movie. It's not a movie about mummies. It's a movie about China's history. Apparently the director feels that have 6 billion Chinese people bent on his personal destruction for skewering their cultural history ain't all that bad.

Ahhh, BSlim. I remember you from my days of lurkerdom.

Oh! Wow... wow..

That was great. I need a cigarette.

"Poor, pretty John Hannah. I'd ask how his delightfully talented ass got caught up in this mess, but I think ignorance could equal bliss here."

He has to wipe the memory of Andie McDowell's performance in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' from his mind somehow. "Oh, is it raining? I hadn't noticed" doesn't come out with one goddamn session of therapy, you know.

BSlim's back! Huzzah!

..also, after reading the rest of the thread, BSlim, d'you hear the Cheers theme when you log in, or the disappointed sigh of people who had "eaten by bears" in the "What happened?" pool.

How did they expect to get my sympathy with her when they cast her against Lyle Lovett? Especially when she started her half-drawled sniping at him! Poor stood-up baker!

SHOULDER of Orion...never "shores"

Oh my God...you guys, my pseudonym got jacked by the spambot. I didn't write this:

"Ahhhh. . . . drink in hand, B-Slim escaped from the basement, Pookie in rare, somewhat spambot-ish form, and TK confirming (one assumes) that the zombie hordes continue to serve him (and not B-Slim. What a lovely night.

Big fan. I have invited over 50.000 fans to free celebrity age gap dating club ' cougarkiss.com ' where you can try age gap romance/kiss with sexy girls or see more..."

I DIDN'T WRITE THAT!

Help me...so...c-c-cold...tell TK to send...the zombie...hordes...

It's also weird because the spambot jacked your pseudonym and my comment.

They're evolving.

It's great to see B-Slim back. But this new way of quoting some people are using is fucking douchetastic. Use italics or something else that lets me quickly spot where your new witty comment starts.

Your spambot experience is odd to say the least, Geetch. The result was just artful enough, though, that I thought you were perhaps delivering a sly commentary on the mosquito-like nuisance the bots have become...

Hard on! My nutsack found divine pleasure at pandamate.com, 2,000+ eager pandas wait romance now from you!!!

What the..?! These bots are evil, I tell you. Let the bot-zombie war commence...

Oh, Brendan... What have you become, buuuuddy?

Wasn't there a day long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away that Jet Li said he wouldn't be doing anymore movies?

I had the cyanide ready when looking at the commercials. Why people would see this shit sandwich is beyond me. THANKS DUSTIN! Keep it comin!