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Eloquent Eloquence: Kitsch Antics Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | March 29, 2013 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | March 29, 2013 |

Eloquent Eloquence, kitsch antics edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion. Comments made when I botched the Autosave and lost half of my work are not fit for public consumption.

This is Pajiba!

Another week, another thoughtful and thought-provoking article.

The Can You Smell What the Rock is Cooking? Comment of the Week goes to cruzzercruz whose wrestling persona is Bullet Thunderclap:

Every time he punches someone, I swear I can hear a thunderclap. I actually think his bullets were louder than everyone else’s in Fast Five.

The The Bar for Awesome Stories Has Been Set Really High Comment of the Week goes to linnyloo who I am holding personally responsible for my overwarm cockles:

Mr. Rogers is a truly incredibly awesome person. We used to write him Christmas stories, and he’d write back every time, and he’d say, “I remember the story you sent me last year. You are growing up so wonderfully, and I am so proud of you.” He is my personal hero, and one of the best humans ever. Basically.

My favorite story about Mr. Rogers (hand to god, this happened!) — my little sister was incredibly shy and didn’t pay attention as often as she could due to hearing and attentional issues. A teacher got really angry at her because she didn’t write her name at the top of a test (I guess it had happened enough times before to really tick this teacher off…) and the teacher called up my sister in front of the class, yelled at her, humiliated her, and ripped up her paper. She was in second grade.

My mom got white-hot furious, and she read an editorial written by Mr. Rogers about the importance of respecting a child’s work, and she wrote him and told him what happened, and that she was at a loss as far as what to tell this teacher.

A few weeks later, the teacher approached my mom and said, “I got a letter from Mr. Rogers.” He wrote her personally, and told her in his kind and gentle way about why she should change her teaching approach. My mom said, “I just didn’t know what to say to you.” The teacher replied, “Well, if Mr. Rogers tells you that you need to change, you listen.”

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The But Who Would Win Between a Crocodile and a Ram? Comment of the Week goes to John W because it’s his truck and I don’t want to mess with him:

Crocodile predation is the reason those Toyota pickups are all but extinct.

The More Importantly, What They Hell Does “Twerking” Mean? Comment of the Week goes to Llp with a H/T to James Sheehy (who is still not allowed on the grass):

So, shaking your ass? That needs a new name? Get off my lawn!!

The Now Tell Us What Happens When They Walk Into a Bar Comment of the Week goes to God Of Bal-Sagoth for knowing the young woman’s middle name:

Jake Gyllenhaal, Tobey Maguire, and Jeff Bridges are all said to be up for the villainous role left behind by Jude Law.

The fuck? In what universe are those four people all up for the same role?

Casting Director: “Well, we’ve narrowed the hero role down to four people: Nicholas Cage, Jeremy Irons, Donald Glover, or Chloe Grace Moretz.”


The You Know It’s Just a Matter of Time Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone for teaching us a new word:

Louie Anderson’s Nestea Death Plunge seemed less like learning to dive into a pool and more like the pilot for a new show called “Suicide For Pussies”. Tune in again next time where we’ll see more aborted attempts by D-Listers in the form of crashing into walls at full speed in bumper-cars, failed exsanguinations via plastic cutlery, hangings with bungee cords and bouts of full frontal public nudity with waxing also known as death by shame. Just kidding….they have no shame.

The There Are Two “I”s in Team Comment of the Week goes to zyzzyva and John G., even though both of them spelled SWINTON wrong:

zyzzyva: “Winter-Swinton-Batman-War” maybe the best incarnation of Rock-Paper-Scissors ever, if I can just figure out how one would play it…

John G.: Winter beats war (see every European invasion of Russia). Swinton beats Winter (Ice Queen of Narnia). War beats Batman (Seriously? Did you see Dark Knight rises? Only a worthless general would march an army of policemen armed with nothing more than handguns against an enemy armed with tanks) and what beats Swinton? Nothing, because she’s fucking amazing.

The And Now You Can’t Unsee It Either Comment of the Week goes to Bert_McGurt. Frodo is totes jells:

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Is it because Tallahassee up there looks like Boyd Crowder made sweet hobbit love to Samwise Gamgee?

The It’s So Big It Made the List Twice Comment of the Week goes to superasente who should calm down. I was not referring to him:

If I had a monster dong like his I would probably start my own Tumblr to celebrate it. I would call it, “Seriously, Look At This” and every morning you would awake to the outline of my dong in some new garment. Every once in a while I would create a GIF of myself dancing in my pajama pants just so you could see the elegance of my dong’s hypnotic sway. And if Rolling Stone ever asked me a question about it I’d be like, “You want to see it.” But as a statement, not a question; I would just always assume that everyone always wanted to see it.

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to L.O.V.E. whose prize is this package of tube socks:

Oh, my, god. Becky, look at his bulge.
It is so big. [scoff] He looks like,
one of those rap guys.
I mean, his bulge, is just so big.
I can’t believe it’s just so thick, it’s like,
out there, I mean - gross. Look!

The internet likes big bulges and I can not lie
The other pajibans they can’t deny
That when Jon Hamm walks in with it poking from his waist
And a sausage thing in your face
He get sprung, and you picture him in the buff
‘Cause you notice those shorts are stuffed

‘Cause its long, and its strong
And its down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}
Shout out to the Hammy dong.

Deep in the jeans he’s wearing
Your hooked and you can’t stop staring
Oh baby, does he wanna get with you
And have you take his picture?

But the Hammaconda dont want none/
He says memes about his dick ain’t fun.

Hammy be complainin’

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