Eloquent Eloquence: Fuzzy Assed Math Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | December 14, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence, Fuzzy Assed Math Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews, the Caption Contest, or that UNBELIEVABLY DISGUSTING LIST OF VIOLENCE AND AROUSAL WHICH I REFUSE TO LOOK AT AGAIN AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

Bravo.

He don’t need no approbation, but he’s getting it anyway. Genius.

• The Attention Must Be Paid Comment of the Week goes to bedewcrock for the BEST LINK EVER.:

Utah Baby Names

• The There Have Been Rumours about His Payload Delivery for Years Comment of the Week goes to NateMan whose surgical strikes are the stuff of legend:

A Terminator Cruise would be about as intimidating as a quadriplegic puppy.

On an unrelated note, do you think he refers to his penis as the ‘Cruise Missile’? It’s quite the missed opportunity if he doesn’t.

• The My That Was Yar Comment of the Week goes to kushiro. Who’s ready for the spacesuit race to the wheelchair accessible Italian restaurant in the bell tower?:

I don’t care if they end up making a movie that’s better than The Godfather, Dr Strangelove, The Philadelphia Story, Aliens and Vertigo combined, I will never watch anything produced by the Project to Make Will Smith’s Kids Internationally Huge Multimedia Stars. Ever.

• The BURN! Comment of the Week goes to Legally Insignificant who is going to be in big trouble as soon as all those slighted fans get out of their parent’s basements:

As it’s been explained to me by people with a much firmer grasp on their virginity, John Harrison is a placeholder name that, in the original series, was used for many unnamed character, e.g. redshirts.

• The You Can’t Just Let the Gauntlet Lie There Comment of the Week goes to Erin S for a theory that makes a lot more sense than the aforementioned movie mash up:

I have this completely unsubstantiated theory
that Michael Buble started his music career as a failed children’s
birthday party singer called “Mikey Bubbles.” Due to his smooth,
nonthreatening charm, Bubbles was so popular with the mothers in the
crowd he finally hit it big when he had an affair with one who happened
to work in the music industry. PROVE ME WRONG.

• The They Cried All the Way to the Bank Comment of the Week goes to MissAmynae. PIVOT!:

Watching HIMYM for Ted is akin to watching “Friends” for Ross. Or “Joey” for anyone.

• The Finding That Combination Is as Likely as Being Struck by Lightning Comment of the Week goes to Kballs. Never change:

I’d rather rub my balls on the face of a schizophrenic high on bath salts than watch Struck by Lightning. And is he supposed to be wearing a watch?

“Hey, what time is it?”

“Blank douche circle.”

“Thought so.”

• The *SPOILERS*Tinker, Tailor *SPOILERS*, Soldier, Spy *SPOILERS* Comment of the Week goes to BWeaves who has been en fuego of late:

I just watched Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (the movie) and since neither my husband nor myself had seen the old miniseries or read the book, we were a bit confused. At one point, I had to pause the DVD and explain it to him. Since I couldn’t remember the characters’ names, it went something like this:

(Oh, and SPOILERS!)

“OK, so the Elephant Man gets fired and takes Dracula with him, but he suspects there’s a mole in the circus, see, so he hires Septimus to go to Hungary, only he gets shot, and Mr. Darcy is all upset because they were lovers. And then Truman Capote and Caesar ask for more money for a secret house. Sherlock is gay, too, but he has to kick Watson out, and pretend to hit on Lady Edith. But then Septimus is regenerated and goes to work at Hogwarts, when Hedwig flies out of the chimney, but before Hedwig can deliver a letter to Harry Potter, Septimus clocks him with a bludger. But it turns out it’s all Mr. Darcy’s fault. The End.”

• The I’m TK and You’re Not Comment of the Week goes to TK because there’s more to him than rage and avoiding Lifetime Real Time Reviews [hint, hint]:

The riddle of Travolta’s hair has tormented me all night and day. I could not gaze upon it and comprehend what it is. And that is when I realized. It is not about something as simplistic as “what is his hair.” The question is not what it is.

For his hair is not. It is not anything. It is dark matter, dead space. It is a matte-dull black hole, lying lifeless and soul-sucking upon his head like a wet, black, napkin of despair.
To look upon it is to know suffering. To look upon it is to be suffering.

Woe, gentle readers. Woe, to all who gaze into the inky, not-hair depths of that Cthulhan nothingness.

• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Lauren_Lauren. Depp also gets to keep any juju, voodoo, phylactery, zemi, talisman, charms and/or amulets “essential” to the role:

I imagine every contract negotiation with Johnny Depp involves a “Things On My Head, Stuff On My Face” clause.

Play us out, BWeaves

Have yourself a very Cthulhu Christmas,
Let tentacles be gay,
From now on our suckers will be in the way.

Through the years
We will all be tied together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a Godtopus upon the highest bough.
And have yourself a merry Cthulhu Christmas now.