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I Just Have a Lot of Feelings: The Olivia Newton-John/John Travolta Christmas ...Thing.

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | December 6, 2012 | Comments ()


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This post contains ... something. I ... it's ... the thing is -- guys, I don't know. I don't -- I just ... I don't know. I don't know.

I feel drunk. That is the best way to explain this. I feel drunk. I watched this and I feel all discombobulated. The kind of discombobulated where I have to pronounce it "discombobbalated" and not on purpose because I'm all wonky, head-wise.

So, I'm at real-life-work yesterday, minding my own, when an alert pops up on my phone. Dustin Rowles has posted a link on my Facebook. "Dustin Rowes, from the internet?" I gasp with glee. "He of very famous fame? What could he possibly want of little ole me? Why, it must be some kind of wondrous gem from the classiest, most magical shires of the webspace."

And it was, my friends. It was.

Watch this. And do what comes naturally. Be it tears, be it laughter, be it spontaneous violence and arson, be it furious masturbation (statistically speaking, that will be the case for at least four of you, and I'm not here to judge you for it), do what you must to cope with what you're about to witness.

This is a safe place to discuss your feelings, my little squeezy balls. Feel free to talk about everything that's just gone on in your mind, your soul.

Because mine looks a lot like this:

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • cheryl88

    Ok, now if I'm following what I will loosely and inaccurately call the plot of this abomination, then not all of the groups of people are related, right? So why do they all have the same selection of wrapping paper on their gifts? Was the budget really so small that they couldn't afford unique gift wrap for each group that had presents?

  • MD

    I am disturbed by what Olivia Newton-John has done to her face and surprised that there aren't more comments about it.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Well, it is her face. I should feel that way about Travolta too, but that's not his hair.

  • lubeg

    This. This right here. This is why they build Death Stars.

  • ,

    Wooly Willy No. 9 bears more than a passing resemblance:

    http://www.sporcle.com/games/a...

  • ,

    Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick, Livvy has turkey neck.

    My adolescence lies in a smoking ruin.

  • That running toward each other bit seemed unending. How freaking far apart were they and why did they tape the whole thing?

  • Trixie

    Why does everyone look like they're made of silly putty? Gah!!!

  • Uriah_Creep
  • Polly

    Much better with the sound off. Did they get permission to show stills from It's A Wonderful Life -- that might be copyright infringement.

  • Persephone69

    Did anyone else notice that baby (Ben is it?) trying to slap away his older sister and her friends? That's all I got... the rest was well, ugh.... no words

  • Bodhi

    I noticed

  • dizzylucy

    How many Scientologists had to die to make that video? Because surely something that unholy came at a price.

    I always take all my presents with me to pick people up at the airport. Don't you?

  • To be fair, your airport probably isn't your house.

  • dizzylucy

    I was referencing the random old people at the airport, but given all the airports and presents in the video, I see how there are many options to choose from.

  • Alarmjaguar

    Well, I did like the cop/soldier bit...and cute little kids dancing are always cute...trying to be nice...

  • TheOtherGreg

    That's the first rug I've seen that might actually be made of real rug.

  • e jerry powell

    John Travolta is trying to get away from gay rumors by getting back together with a woman who has been publicly characterized (by both Margaret Cho and Kathy Griffin, no less) as "The Dalai Lama of fag hags."

    Seems a bit counterintuitive, perhaps.

  • Captain_Tuttle

    I got to "toni-ee-ee-ee-ght" and gave up. Can't do it.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    1. Apparently Travolta uses Toppik on his soul patch?

    2. I swear I thought that cop and soldier were going to make out.

  • dinosaurpuke

    What in the actual fuck.

  • Drake

    The only thing I liked was picturing the hunky soldier and burly cop making love all night.

  • jen

    oh, of all the things to get busted watching at work...

  • Sirilicious

    Extreme and multiple facepalming is the only possible response.

  • googergieger

    Welp, I guess there is something worse than the celebrity sex tape. I owe that guy I punched an apology. But that's a whole other complicated story, for a whole other complicated time.

  • skylosmama

    I think we can lay to rest all the gay rumours.... NOT!

  • BWeaves

    What is with John Travolta's "hair?" I have thick hair and my scalp shows through it.

    Also, John Hurt as Caligula doing the dance of the seven veils in "I, Claudius." Bravo!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I need to rewatch that so badly. "I, Cladius" I mean.

  • BWeaves

    So good, if you can get by the cheesy 1970's cardboard sets. I'm still amazed how many actors in "I, Claudius" because really famous later. I mean, many already were well known, but still.

  • Help me understand something. Dustin sent this to you, probably to punish you for some behind-the-scenes shenanigans in Pajibaville. You then turn around and inflict this upon us for... what exactly? Have we as a whole failed you in some fundamental way? Or is this your way of sticking out your tongue at "dad" for trying to teach you a life lesson? Either way, the rest of the extended family has collectively agreed that the only thing you will get for Christmas is fruitcake - made with fake alcohol, no less. Delivered by John Travolta sporting his pube-beard and driving Olivia Newton-John's bachelor uncle's ultra-slow convertible. After which they will teach you that "dance." Then, perhaps, you will think twice before subjecting your erstwhile friends to such torment.

  • dagnabbit

    Peppermint latte, double photoshop ready for John.

  • phase10

    I just can't over the fact that he parked his jet at his house. How playa is that?

  • I can't get over the fact that you think the word "playa" applies to John Travolta. He outcrackers me in that video, and I'm a hockey fan.

  • Artemis

    I had only one coherent thought by the end of that: in the scene where Travolta runs toward the camera, it really looks like he's coming to kill me.

  • BierceAmbrose

    It was ... indescribable.

  • TK

    The riddle of Travolta's hair has tormented me all night and day. I could not gaze upon it and comprehend what it is. And that is when I realized. It is not about something as simplistic as "what is his hair." The question is not what it is.

    For his hair is not. It is not anything. It is dark matter, dead space. It is a matte-dull black hole, lying lifeless and soul-sucking upon his head like a wet, black, napkin of despair.

    To look upon it is to know suffering. To look upon it is to be suffering.

    Woe, gentle readers. Woe, to all who gaze into the inky, not-hair depths of that Cthulhan nothingness.

  • EE

  • Uriah_Creep

    Wow, that was deeply lyrical. Thank you, TK.

  • Rochelle

    And then he dipped his chin in said dark matter and it was worse.

  • JAJenks

    That's it. I was trying to figure out what I was feeling inside..and you captured it. Suffering, deep suffering as my soul was taken from me. There's no hope for me now.

  • firedmyass

    No discernible feelings, per se, but all I can smell now is Vicodin and Astroglide...

  • ,

    Astroglide is one of the best investments I've ever made.

    Seriously.

    And if this posted twice, it's because of Disqus weirdness.

  • This is like a video someone makes before they get famous that a late night host plays to make fun of that person when they are a guest because they got famous. And yet, it's now. I don't even know how to properly make fun of this. We're in uncharted waters, friends.

  • mswas

    Why didn't the car fly off into the sky at the end??? Perfect opportunity, wasted.

  • Alarmjaguar

    Is this a reference to The Apple? Because I thought I was the only person in the world that had seen that film...

  • Amy

    No. But hey, good news: you may be the only person in the world who HASN'T seen Grease.

  • Aratweth

    'Cause the offscreen Yugo towing it in the first few scenes couldn't get above 5mph. You need better pickup for serious flight.

  • Maguita NYC

    'Cause Space Org was on strike that day?

  • Bert_McGurt

    Olivia Newhairon-John.

  • cj

    Favorite line "We can make love all night and then cry tomorrow." What? They're talking about crying while watching It's a Wonderful Life? I didn't hear that over my hysteric laughing.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    You actually managed to listen to the lyrics? I'm impressed. I think my brain left by way of my ears when they first started dancing.

  • cj

    Even worse - I have them in my head now. My mind is impressionable like that.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Even worse since I think I saw Travolta's ACTUAL wife in the video...

  • Ziver

    and his daughter

  • $38146266

    Is "hurl" a feeling?

  • whygodwhy???

    Oh, so many questions...

    - why does Travolta draw his hair with a magic marker? doesn't he have money for a decent rug?

    - why does this thing look like it was filmed for 10$, has the "Let's get physical" and Battlefield Earth money run out?

    - is this some sort of Lonely Island or Funny or Die spoofs?

    - WHY?????

  • Jen

    Funny or Die could try for months and never come up with anything as unintentionally hilarious as this.
    I threw up a little in my mouth about 30 seconds in and yet I managed to watch it all.

  • Maguita NYC

    Oh, this. very-very sad. Cringe-worthy, uncomfortable-wincing sad.

    Question: That chick with the glasses and the purple leotard. Crotch area. IS THAT A DISPLACED MAXI-PAD?

  • chanohack

    Well, she's clearly wearing tights, right? And the White Thing is clearly on the outside of the tights, so.... God, I hope this poor girl isn't living with photographic proof that she wears her sanitary pads outside her tights, and not well. :(

  • Sara_Tonin00

    No, I think it's just the crotch area of the tights.

  • Maguita NYC

    I really hope for her sake. Because at the very least, that thing looks like a panty-liner trying to break free!

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Oh wow... I just can't watch that... it's too... I just realized/remembered how much my ex-boyfriend looked like John Travolta. It creeped me out.. and I think I just threw up a little.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Did they have leftover velour hair that they decided to apply to his chin?

  • Groundloop

    You can't let that shit go to waste. I haven't seen hair like that since Hasbro discontinued the original G.I. Joe action figures.

  • East Coast Bronco

    Jesus Wept...

  • Maguita NYC

    Don't matter. Xenu is very much overjoyed.

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