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The Most Sarcasm Inducing Headlines of the Day

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | December 6, 2012 | Comments ()


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It's one of those days when nothing particularly interesting seems to be coming down the trade news pipelines. Ooh the seventeenth trailer for The Hobbit and another clip of Tom Cruise pretending to be taller than he is. There are however plenty of headlines that just bring out the rage. The Hollywood Reporter was on a roll this morning.

"PBS Exploring Ways to Air 'Downton Abbey' Closer to U.K. Run"

Did they try money? I'm often surprised at just how many things that can fix. That must explain why there's been nothing on PBS for the last week except for terrible music and phone banks. Here's a hint to getting my money. Run the phone banks during the usual good television that I like, not the bizarre special crap broadcast when you want my money. That's like a waiter serving you a wonderful meal, bringing out course after course of succulence, and then bringing the bill with a dollop of feces. Oh yeah, that's getting a great tip.

(source: THR)

"'Dark Knight Rises' Shooter's Records Released; Theater Set to Reopen:
University of Denver released 2,000 documents related to alleged shooter James Holmes, revealing that he had a brief romantic relationship."

Okay fine, that's in the extended subtitle, but it's still above the fold so it's fair game. Seriously, "a brief romantic relationship"? You might as well report that he once ate a hamburger, because that is equally uncommon in American society. Hell, having eaten a hamburger is probably more newsworthy than a brief romantic relationship, since vegetarians don't eat the former, but pretty much every adult has experienced the latter. Newsflash: spree killer has fingernails, film at eleven.

(source: THR)

"Grammy Nominations Revealed: 6-Way Tie at the Top"

Parity: a theory pioneered by the NFL to argue that every team sucking in the AFC West somehow made it more interesting. Now coming to the music industry.

(source: THR)

"Hollywood's Power 100 Mingle at THR's Women in Entertainment Breakfast"

Breakfast? Because nothing says that you value an event like not even bothering to make it a dinner. Breakfast meetings are for things that you don't care about so that you still have the rest of the day to be productive.

(source: THR)

I really could keep going, but at some point the mercy rule goes into effect.



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Comments Are Welcome, Douches Are Not


  • googergieger

    You might want to stop being early 2000's VH1, captain.

  • the_wakeful

    "every team sucking in the AFC West somehow made it more interesting"

    The Broncos are 9-3 right now, fuck you very much.

  • Quatermain

    Yeah, but unfortunately they're still the Broncos.

  • BierceAmbrose

    University of Denver released 2,000 documents related to alleged shooter...

    The University all by itself has 2000 documents to release about this nonentity? The guy was working on a PhD in Obscure-Random-Thingey. He had no life. What's next, we get his dry cleaning receipts? ("Four sweater vests.")

  • Slash

    Jesus, PBS is fucking unwatchable during "pledge drives."

    A seemingly endless parade of new agey-type hucksters and old people music festivals. Nothing else.

    So clearly, the PBS audience is a bunch of 60-somethings who think there's something they can do to stave off decrepitude, penury and they really, really like shitty music (well, ok, not all of it is shitty, but much of it is).

    PBS is not getting one dime from me until that shit stops.

    If they want to suck as much money as they can from the old people now, fine. I'll watch something else during their pledge drives.

    Screw you, PBS.

    But ... I can't quite you, either. When you're not airing the Festival o' Shit, you're damn fine TV.

  • Jemiah Jefferson

    That said, during one year's pledge drive I saw Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach performing "God! Give Me Strength" and it reduced me to sobs of awe and joy. Then again, I've been watching PBS for ummmm... let's say multiple decades, and that was probably the best thing I saw during pledge drive. They should show non-stop marathons of Sherlock, Downton, Wallander, Luther, and Doctor Who during pledge drive. SEXY = PLEDGES, OK?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Heheheh. I laugh because I have been organizing breakfast "Best of the Year" awards events for the past 3 months.

    My favorite: when they call to ask if it's black tie.

  • dizzylucy

    THR's Women in Entertainment event HAS to be a breakfast, because women need to leave early to cook dinner. Didn't you watch the Presidential debates?

  • I genuinely do not understand why shows like Downton and Sherlock can't air in America during their British run. I mean, look at Doctor Who: the BBC America premiere was wildly successful. They bitch and moan about pirating before the show airs in the States, but why can't they just make it available at the same time? It clearly works in their favor. Granted, I am not in the television business and am woefully ignorant of the system, but it seems pretty clear to me.

  • One of the primary values that programming has in this day and age is the exclusivity provided in that very brief window where one entity can say "I own this" before it is digitally consumed by the masses (think HBO/HBOGo and Game of Thrones etc.). Even then, popular shows get pirated like crazy (I know I saw Season/Series 2 of Sherlock way before it aired on PBS). Exclusivity is one of the only arrows the networks have left in their quiver, and even then, they get to use that for about a month or two in most cases.

  • Renton

    Dude. We've been saying that over here in the UK for years. Parks & Rec is finally hitting the UK next year, thanks to BBC4. Breaking Bad has also never been shown over here on TV. Be thankful you only have to wait a few months to legally watch stuff. But yeh, it's insane. IT'S A DIGITAL FILE. It could be instant. This isn't something that needs to be posted across the ocean in a glass bottle.

  • linz

    so...having worked in public broadcasting, I can personally attest to the fact that you are dead wrong about how playing the normal schedule of shows during pledge drives will make money. It. just. doesn't. I know, it seems so counter-intuitive, but it's the truth.

    Know what makes money? Celtic Woman. That kind of dreck. Know this, all public stations rue the fact that they HAVE to play that crap to make money.

    Here's a story: many PBS stations devote weekday programming to educational children's shows. So they thought, why not pitch that. We're educating kids, getting them ready for the classroom, committed to learning...blah, blah, blah. With focus groups it tested through the roofs! Everyone thought this campaign would be a slam dunk. When it came to the actual pledge drive, know what happened?........it tanked big time. The most unsuccessful drive they ever had.

    Only 10% of the people that watch PBS (or NPR for that matter) actually give money to it. So, that's the 10% that get pandered to...

  • BierceAmbrose

    "Pandering" to the folks willing to kick in to get what they want, or provide stuff for other people. I don't think that word means what you think it means.

    I do wonder, with 80-kabillion delivery mechanisms, why there's not yet a standard way to audience-fund niche offerings. I'd kick in to get Downton Abby quicker, or some of the in depth current events programming I've seen occasionally on local PBS affiliates.

  • John G.

    Is that Michael Cera in drag on the left?

  • dizzylucy

    Of course it is. It's as Ann as the nose on Plain's face.

  • BWeaves

    I just watched Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (the movie) and since neither my husband nor myself had seen the old miniseries or read the book, we were a bit confused. At one point, I had to pause the DVD and explain it to him. Since I couldn't remember the characters' names, it went something like this:

    (Oh, and SPOILERS!)

    "OK, so the Elephant Man gets fired and takes Dracula with him, but he suspects there's a mole in the circus, see, so he hires Septimus to go to Hungary, only he gets shot, and Mr. Darcy is all upset because they were lovers. And then Truman Capote and Caesar ask for more money for a secret house. Sherlock is gay, too, but he has to kick Watson out, and pretend to hit on Lady Edith. But then Septimus is regenerated and goes to work at Hogwarts, when Hedwig flies out of the chimney, but before Hedwig can deliver a letter to Harry Potter, Septimus clocks him with a bludger. But it turns out it's all Mr. Darcy's fault. The End."

  • hippyherb

    That is exactly how I explain my movies to people too !

  • Kala

    *Slow Clap*

  • Kala

    Oh, damn you to hell. Now I'm not going to be able to see Lady Edith ever again. It's all Michael Cera from here.

  • I once ate a hamburger but it was such a traumatic relationship that I turned vegetarian.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I once ate a vegetarian. It was tough and had no flavour.

  • Which bit did you eat?

  • John G.

    our hearts taste the best, because they're not filled with heart disease.

  • Wednesday

    No, no, no. Everyone knows that fat is what gives meat that rich succulence that keeps us begging for more.

    Probably your organ meat would be the tastiest.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Bit? No-no, sir. I live by the strict tenants of the Seven Deadly Sins. Gluttony or GTFO!

  • Ouch. I feel for you. We're a stringy bunch. You'd need a battalion to feel sated.

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