Day 5: What's the Deal with the American Girls and Why Are They Into Garbage Colin? - 25 Days of 'Love Actually'
If you’ve been following along at home, you know nothing enrages me quite like the character I’ve come to know and not love as Garbage Colin. Colin Frissell is a food service person who is terrible at his job. Because he’s terrible at his job and far more terrible at interacting with other humans, he decides women are the problem. Because they’re so stuck up and not immediately throwing themselves at his rubbish penis. Colin Frissell is the most realistic person in the movie and that is why he is so garbage.
Having had enough of British women, he goes in search of American women. He somehow selects Wisconsin as his chosen locale. No one has ever selected Wisconsin as their chosen locale for anything, including people who live in Wisconsin. He arrives in the middle of nowhere, which is stupid because his flight from London would presumably arrive in a city like Milwaukee or Madison. Once settled in the random Rural Bar to order his Budweiser, the King of Beers, and engage with An American Woman to request that she Schlob on His Knob, he immediately meets January Jones, the chick who married that clownshoe Riley on Buffy (Ivana Miličević), and Elisha Cuthbert before we knew she was cool.
We learn, over the course of their nonstory, that they also know and/or live with Shannon Elizabeth and Denise Richards, two of the most Early Aughts Attractive Women in the history of women. They wear Cowboy Hats and speak with Southern Accents that are several states removed from Wisconsin, which is basically Canada. They allegedly cannot afford beds or pajamas, which would be less of a come-on lie if they didn’t take Colin home to their presumably bedless, pajamaless house. This is Tragic.
So, Colin makes a $2500 trip for the sole purpose of having sex with an American womanperson, the assumption being these women are easier than British women. Now, I will tell you this right now: as an American woman, the mere possession of a British accent increases one’s attractiveness by at least three points. If Benedict Cumberbatch was from Florida, not nearly as many people would want to fuck him. So, Colin’s theory is somewhat reasonable, it’s amazing that it works. It’s downright offensive that it works quite as well as it does. He is odious and terrible and is rewarded with at least four American mouths suction cupped to his face like a gaggle of Garfield window clings.
Forget the fact these women are American, despite the fact that this movie both uses 9/11 as its first heartstring tugger before the film even starts and then objectifies that same country’s women. This movie HATES women. Like, so much. They are Sex Robot Villains. They are Lust Objects for Men in Power. They are Sad Wives, Friends’ Spouses, Sisters who Get No Joy or Pleasure, and Just Breasts. They are not People.
So…why? Why are these American Cowgirl Fantasy Creature People so keen to fuck Garbage Colin?
Sex robots. Obvious sex robots.
We’re through the looking glass, sheeple. GET ONBOARD.