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Day 16 - Drunkblogging Part 1 - 25 Days of 'Love Actually'

By Bekka Supp | Love Actually | December 16, 2016 | Comments ()

By Bekka Supp | Love Actually | December 16, 2016 |


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Managing Editor’s Note: If you are reading this I am in a safe house hiding from the sex robots. While I hide, Bekka and Petr have decided to drunkblog the movie. I’ll see you tomorrow. Unless the robots get me. In which case, AVENGE ME. -Courtney

Booze Your Own Adventure(TM): British Crash with Genitals

Question: Is Love Actually a good enough movie to convert two skeptics lushes and is it worth an annual Pajiba Civil War?

Hypothesis: Look, we’re not monsters. We’re willing to give anything a fair shake. We’re going into this with open hearts and open minds. And full glasses. My god, like all the full glasses.

Materials: Petr: Lemmy (Jack and Coke) Bekka: Bookers neat and Wild Spirit on the rocks. Quantity of both unknown.

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Procedure: As Follows (Editor’s note: Because of the time difference, Petr started watching this movie at 11PM whatever magical time they use in the UK (Narnia time?) and I’m in Pacific so the timestamps are of my local time. Doesn’t speak well for our drinking habits. Also, though we started at the same time, Petr’s janky version ran ever so slightly quicker than my Netflix version. Timing might be off, voices ran higher, hilarity ensued. We both Love Actually‘d just fine.)


4:04pm
Petr Knava
Ancestors forgive me for what i am about to endure.

4:05pm
Bekka Supp
Is this like touching an Aztec head at the same time?

4:05pm
Petr Knava
IT’S BETTER.

4:05pm
Bekka Supp
This Universal title card will be the best part of the movie. Mark my words.

4:06pm
Petr Knava
i wanna disagree, but I can’t. FRENCH INVOLVEMENT.

4:06pm
Bekka Supp
DNA films I feel should be the production company name of a porn company.

4:07pm
Petr Knava
Heathrow arrivals is the OPPOSITE of love. TITLE SAID. Roll the credits.

4:07pm
Bekka Supp
SHOT

4:08pm
Bekka Supp
Canadian tuxedo makes an appearance. This movie has EVERYTHING. Do we get to pick a pony? Because I don’t know how this movie works. Can I choose Neeson?


4:09pm
Petr Knava
You can have Neeson. Blue sky in London? Nope.

4:09pm
Bekka Supp
I take it back. I take it all back.
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4:10pm
Petr Knava
Thompsonnnnnnnn

4:10pm
Bekka Supp
Now you get it.

4:11pm
Petr Knava
i think there’s something wrong with my rip here… how long is your movie file?

4:11pm
Bekka Supp
2 hours and 9 minutes. JESUS THIS MOVIE IS TWO FUCKING HOURS?!?!?

4:12pm
Petr Knava
CHRIST I THOUGHT MY FILE WAS FAULTY! 2 hours…Ok, it was nice knowing you, let’s march onwards into oblivion. This Lemmy is going down tooooo quick.

4:13pm
Bekka Supp
Uhh that’s people boning, right?

4:14pm
Petr Knava
Literally Bilbo is Bilboning. Ok that is how British people fuck, fyi. Exactly like that. Fully clothed. CHIWETELLLLL. I don’t trust this other dude.

4:14pm
Bekka Supp
Lincoln looks like the kid from Tom Hanks’ Big all grown up only not Tom Hanks.

4:15pm
Petr Knava
THAT’S WHAT IT IS. Definitely don’t trust him. And Hugh Fucking Grant is our PM? Christ. I’m not saying it’s worse than Trump but…

4:15pm
Bekka Supp
Never trust Hugh Grant in life or anything. That’s a solid life lesson. NATALIE IS TROUBLE THOUGH, RIGHT? I can tell by her blouse. She has a “premonition?” She’s a gypsy, isn’t she. Y’all still have those. I watched a wedding show about it.

4:16pm
Petr Knava
She’s from the wrong side of the tracks, too. Aka the “ok” side. They don’t look like that but who am I to judge. Oh no. This wedding again. I REALLY don’t trust Rick Grimes here. Firth’s there!? Does everyone know everyone in this movie? It it one of those?

4:18pm
Bekka Supp
What kind of fucking bird gave it’s life for Knightley’s wedding dress?!

4:18pm
Petr Knava
Uh. oh.

4:18pm
Bekka Supp
NO. NOOOOOOOOO. NO THANK YOU PLEASE.

4:18pm
Petr Knava
ROLL CREDITS, BAR TIME. WHERE ARE THESE MUSICIANS COMING FROM?!

4:18pm
Bekka Supp
I WHITE GIRL, BECKY WITH THE GOOD HAIR, CAN’T. PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE. EVEN

4:19pm
Petr Knava
This is the whitest thing in history, right?

4:19pm
Bekka Supp
Yes, yes it is. Even the Mayflower wasn’t this white.

4:19pm
Petr Knava
Oh no, they’re gonna weave the protagonists into an intricate, oh-so-clever plot. Kill me now. Colin? Fuck you, Colin.

4:20pm
Bekka Supp
God, everyone’s hair. The early 2000’s were a dark time.

4:20pm
Petr Knava
The darkest, how did we get through it? American girls: wait, is this true? British accent = master key? I need to know things like this.

4:21pm
Bekka Supp
Not with a laugh like Colin’s. Coupled with him being swarmy and a ginger (not connected), I’d say no. Not the master key. His friend is spot the fuck on though about his character assessment of Colin. Oh, now he’s magically at the “porn” shoot? You gotta level with me, Petr. Is everyone in Britain Dr. Who?

4:22pm
Petr Knava
Yes, but don’t tell anyone. Neeeeeeeesonnnnnnnnn. How is he still a badass in this? Oh shit, wait this is dark. He’s at his wife’s funeral speaking. JOJEN!

4:23pm
Bekka Supp
Fun fact: Jojen is 38 there. Also I’m having a difficult time knowing where that kid’s head ends and his hair begins.

4:23pm
Petr Knava
Jojen Reed kinda looks like younger Colin, btw. Not Firth. The Lesser. Is that why he’s so upset, cos he knows that’s what he’ll turn into? Wait. IS THIS A TIME TRAVEL MOVIE? Laura Linney, tho….

4:24pm
Bekka Supp
It literally HAS to be. Also everyone apparently listens to the Bay City Rollers at exactly the same time.

4:24pm
Petr Knava
The London blue sky again. This is not cinema verite. IT’S COURTNEY’S SEX ROBOT! That’s all I can see now. And Alan *sobs* Rickman. Who can we trade to get him back?

4:26pm
Bekka Supp
Off the top of my head? At least all of Trump’s cabinet and progeny. At least.

4:26pm
Petr Knava
Done. I’ll speak to hugh grant

4:26pm
Bekka Supp
Do we know if there’s a necromancer in this movie? I mean fuck, there’s time lords.

4:26pm
Petr Knava
Wait, what is the actual plot of this movie so far?

4:27pm
Bekka Supp
Love actually. Jesus, am I doing all the heavy lifting?

4:27pm
Petr Knava
HI-YOOOO. I think that might be a theme, yes.

4:27pm
Bekka Supp
HOT CARL. I won’t say that out loud again. I’ve been to Urban Dictionary once or 12 times.

4:27pm
Petr Knava
You have one more HOT CARL that I’ll allow.

4:28pm
Bekka Supp
NIGHY IS A FUCKING PRO.

4:28pm
Petr Knava
Seriously. Burst the bubble, Nighy.

4:30pm
Petr Knava
Every time Hugh Grant says “right,” I want to destroy the world. HE IS BRITISH TRUMP. BRUMP, a nice guy Trump.

4:30pm
Bekka Supp
Shh! More Brit sex.

4:31pm
Petr Knava
More british sex, exactly accurate, with people giving advice. Are these two just gonna show up for these scenes?

4:31pm
Bekka Supp
Ugh, Colin. This fucker again.

4:31pm
Petr Knava
“A fantastic place…called Wisconsin.” So…as an American, Bekka, verdict?

4:32pm
Bekka Supp
My thoughts about wisconsin? I think the last thing Wisconsin needs is an irritating British ginger destroying the cheese cloth of their society.

4:33pm
Petr Knava
Oof. I’ll call him off then. Courtney has ruined this character. ALL I can see is a sex robot. Does she blink?

4:33pm
Bekka Supp
She’s off putting. I mean, I’m sure she’s lovely, but yikes.

4:33pm
Petr Knava
You’re too trusting with sex robots.

4:34pm
Bekka Supp
I belong in WestWorld. I’m too pure for this one.

4:34pm
Petr Knava
I feel like Neeson is in a different movie here. He’s exuding gravitas and pathos. Everyone else is just sorta…saying stuff.

4:35pm
Bekka Supp
I wonder if it’s because he’s projecting feelings about the loss of the love of his life, Natasha Richardson

4:35pm
Petr Knava
Oh no. That’s what it is. Fuck.

4:35pm
Bekka Supp
Nope, just kidding. She passed away in 2009. He’s just a fucking pro.

4:35pm
Petr Knava
Oh shit. OH SHIT. HOLD THE DOOOOOOOOR.

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4:35pm
Bekka Supp
RUN AWAY JOJEN. IT IS NOT WORTH IT MINI COLIN

4:36pm
Petr Knava
Every time there is a pristine London blue sky i am drinking. HOT CAR-… oh wait, that’s your line. Although…that hair…that’s not good hair.

4:36pm
Bekka Supp
SHOT. Also. Pot. Kettle. Black.

4:37pm
Petr Knava
You just went there. Damn, woman. Damn.

4:37pm
Bekka Supp
You only hurt the ones you love actually. SHOT.

4:39pm
Bekka Supp
Can we talk about Natalie’s ex? Because I have feelings. Mostly, “oh, fuck that guy.” THICK THIGHS RUIN LIVES. I feel ya, Natalie, I feel ya. I don’t think he was ready for that jelly.

4:39pm
Petr Knava
Thighs give life. Grant really is the British Trump. Also, I’m gonna refrain from commenting on British politics while we’re doing this otherwise I’ll have a stroke. Although if Thatcher is mentioned again, I will do some heroin.

4:39pm
Aww, Neeson is dadding the hell out of this lesson. Using both feminine and masculine pronouns until he knows with Jojen likes. He’s bossing it.

4:41pm
Bekka Supp
In this Bill Nighy pop show scene, the host on the left is a poor man’s Robbie Williams, no?
And guy in the middle is a hobbit?

4:41pm
Petr Knava
So…kinda…?! If I was to explain Ant and Dec we’d be here for a week.

4:42pm
Bekka Supp
Can we, at this point, agree that Tom Hanks’ Big Lincoln is in love with Juliet, right?

4:43pm
Petr Knava
I was about to say. Is it just me or am I getting a stalker vibe? Am I being oversensitive? I think there is a stalker vibe here and he’s only like 13 so that’s weird.

4:43pm
Bekka Supp
THE FUCKING SEX ROBOT IS SITTING LIKE THAT?! This is how we know she’s a real doll. I’ve seen Lars and the Real Girl, I know they get shipped in that position!

4:44pm
Petr Knava
I am genuinely disturbed by her/it. RUN AWAY HANS GRUBER.

4:44pm
Bekka Supp
Aurelia, Firth’s Portuguese housekeeper? She is a fancy McPoyle. We can edit that out. As an FYI, him trying to talk to her in the car? That’s how most Americans speak Spanish.

4:45pm
Petr Knava
HAHAHAHA I knew it! So, what is Firth’s character, like a rich writer?

4:46pm
Bekka Supp
OH GOODIE! AMERICAN PRESIDENT BILLY BOB.

4:46pm
Petr Knava
Lorne Malvo as US Pres: still less evil than Trump

4:46pm
Bekka Supp
I’d bang Billy Bob, I get the appeal, Angelina. We can edit that out, too.

4:47pm
Petr Knava
No, that’s staying in. Look at the Yank up in the Brit’s house, chatting the women up straight away.

4:47pm
Bekka Supp
I can’t take Billy Bob seriously as a president. They never wear a yellow tie. That’s too ambiguous. Yellow is for the FRENCH. Although, Jesus. He is doing things for me.

4:49pm
Petr Knava
He’s fucking Trump, plus self-repression and minus the charm. This movie predicted the mess we’re in. If I hear one more posh British bloke stammering or being awkward “adorably,” I am gonna have a fucking stroke. The press meeting with the two leaders? Passive aggressive shit, look at him go!

4:50pm
Bekka Supp
That’s diplomacy, motherfuckers. The crescendo is helping, otherwise I wouldn’t be feeling feelings. Like the sex robot.

4:50pm
Petr Knava
I love the crescendo. Like, yeah, the UK would defo stand up to the US like this. In other news, Lord of the Rings is a documentary. But Emma Thompson and Rickman in one scene…. can’t this just be the movie?

4:52pm
Bekka Supp
EVERYONE KNOWS OR IS FAMILY TO THE PM?! Real talk: as an adjacent brit, there’s 1 degree of separation right? If so, you’ll be receiving a list shortly. Wait. No. No no no no no no no.

4:52pm
Petr Knava
FUCK YOU NO NO NO. NO GRANT DANCE SCENE

hugh-grant-dancing-o.gif

4:52pm
Bekka Supp
NO NO NO NO NO NO. NOOOOOOOO. NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS. NOT EVER.

4:52pm
Petr Knava
I’m so sorry, world. I’m so sorry for colonialism, for racism, for this. DAMMIT.

4:53pm
Bekka Supp
We were right to ruin your fahking tea

4:53pm
Petr Knava
Urgh. I’m confused by this scene. Firth is using a word processor outside and the wind has blown away his manuscript?

4:54pm
Bekka Supp
I hate it when that happens. Not the paper, just when my Portuguese help undresses to a symphony to retrieve said manuscript.

4:56pm
Petr Knava
Right? Whose Portuguese help just dives right in? There it is. There’s my stroke. More annoying stammering. Real talk: is Colin Firth hot?

4:56pm
Bekka Supp
Uhh no.

4:56pm
Petr Knava
Right, good. Also: WHERE HAS THIS RELATIONSHIP COME FROM? THEY’VE LITERALLY SHARED NOTHING.

4:57pm
Bekka Supp
From the word processor debacle. Also maybe her tramp stamp. Love in any language Actually. So let me get this straight: they’re saying the same fucking thing, oppositely, in different languages? I fucking hate this movie.

4:57pm
Petr Knava
IT’S FUCKING UNBEARABLE. I need to refill my drink. While we do that, can we agree that Nighy, Thompson, and Neeson are carrying this shit right now? I don’t even know what IT is, but they’re carrying it. It’s almost unfair to Baby Hanks and Jojen Reed. But fuck em, they signed the contract. Ok, drink refill time.

4:59pm
Bekka Supp
Oh, they’re fucking phoning it in. As for Baby Hanks and Jojen, they’re not featured players, but something tells me that they’re gonna be just fine 10 years after this movie. I wouldn’t worry. Also, drink less complicated drinks. Ya fuckin rookie.

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5:04pm
Petr Knava
I really don’t like this pairing. Dude creeps me the fuck out. If they end up together, I am gonna smash some shit in this house that I don’t own.

5:04pm
Bekka Supp
its the most egregious outta of them all if it’s heading in the direction of that fucking screen grab of him with cue cards.

5:04pm
Petr Knava
OH SHIT. i forgot that’s a thing. THERE IT IS. SHE KNOWS. SHE KNOOOOOOOOWS. RUN AWAY. CALL THE OLD BILL. ABORT. ABORT. Christ man, what is the matter with this dude? Was this ok in 2003?

5:05pm
Bekka Supp
It’s ok NEVER. You learn this lesson NOW, KNAVA and you learn it real good. Oh fuck you and your self preservation, Baby Hanks. Goddamned idiot. DON’T YOU DARE BRING DIDO INTO THIS. The music supervisor deserves more recognition than some of the actors in this movie, right?

5:06
Dump Baby Hanks into the Thames. Fucking Dido: the human time capsule.
London blue sky! SHOT. What is with this movie’s obsessions with thighs btw?

5:08pm
Bekka Supp
I dunno. Thighs are amazing. You brits have some weird hang-ups. Wild Spirit may need to come out and play, might slow me down a little. I had to down my drink after Dido. Oooooh, American girl reference, SHOT. I’ve just self imposed that on my ow- NO. NOOOOOOO.

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5:09pm
Petr Knava
FUUUUUUUUCK. NO NO NO NO. Child abuse. Neeson ya twat, this is why all your daughters and wives will get abducted later.

5:10pm
Bekka Supp
TEACH HIM THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FICTION AND REALITY, NEESON. I ROOTED FOR YOU, NEESON. WE ALL ROOTED FOR YOU.

5:10pm
Petr Knava
I am SO confused by Firth’s life. Where is he living? Where is that? Is that France? How long have they known each other? Where is he going with all the garlic? THIS IS A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON NOTHING WHY IS SHE FALLING FOR THIS DODDERING POSHO

5:11pm
Bekka Supp
Je ne sais pas. I typed that way faster than I should have. In the interest of full disclosure, freckles on women is my kryptonite. Portu McPoyle is doing it for me.

5:11pm
Petr Knava
Oh yeah I agree with that. BUT DON’T CALL HER THAT. Oh shit. I might’ve fallen for her now.
I AM AS BAD AS THE MOVIE.

5:12pm
Bekka Supp
FIRTH IS THE MANIC PIXIE DREAM FUCKBOI. Wait. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE, NIGHY? Doesn’t matter, I love this so much.

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5:14pm
Bekka Supp
Sex robot was the devil at the art show? Too on the nose. GET THE FUCK OUT. BABY HANKS IS HER SIDE FUCKBOI. Ugh. Gruber is falling for it.

5:15pm
Petr Knava
Why hasn’t Emma Thompson been given anything to do? I feel like if you cast Thompson, YOU GIVE HER SHIT TO DO. Gruber will come out on top in the end I bet. No pun intended.

5:16pm
Bekka Supp
Her arc better include going scorched earth. HOT CARL. Also, Nighy might be us, the audience. This movie is so fucking meta.

5:16pm
Petr Knava
Hot Carl’s hair though, I’m sorry. I know the recent pic of me online exists and all that, but…

5:17pm
Bekka Supp
I don’t even care. Shh. I have to watch him dance now. To Norah Jones? Ugh. I’m out.

5:17pm
Petr Knava
Linney, oh Linney. Get out of there. Get out from under that mullet.
get out of there

5:17pm
Bekka Supp
No way, that dude can seduce like a motherfucker. Sorry mom, I know you’ll be reading this. WAIT. IS HOT CARL HECTOR FROM WESTWORLD?! To the Google Machine!

5:19pm
Petr Knava
Where is Hot Carl from and why is Laura Linney’s bedroom the bedroom of a 13-year old?

5:19pm
Bekka Supp
IT IS! LINNEY YOU DESTROY HIM AND YOU DESTROY HIM GOOD

5:19pm
I don’t get her backstory. IT’S ALMOST LIKE THIS MOVIE KEEPS UNDERWRITING ITS WOMEN CHARACTERS.

5:21pm
Petr Knava
Oh man, sudden pathos injected with a ring from a Nokia. This is getting too real. yeah this is sounding too much

5:23pm
Petr Knava
DOES THOMPSON KNOW ABOUT THE SEX ROBOT? “BE CAREFUL WITH THAT ONE?”

5:24pm
Bekka Supp
Sex Robot’s lack of spanx is troubling. Is Linney’s brother John Cusack? I just want Thompson to be ok. I don’t even know her character’s name. I just need her to be ok.

5:25pm
Petr Knava
The sex robot is really ramping up her game. T-1000 over here. Of course he’s going to get the office robot a pricey bauble. And for the record? Rickman’s blonde hair is freaking me out but then Thompson appears out of nowhere. There is NO CONTINUITY in this movie. Shit. Just. Happens. And then Mr. Bean, out of nowhere.

5:27pm
Bekka Supp
One more drink, I’m going to get the secret of time travel out of you
y’all are holding out

5:28pm
Petr Knava
Real talk: Rickman is really making me sad. I can’t believe we lost him. Ok I’m gonna have a drink and forget.

5:28pm
Bekka Supp
I hate that he was in this movie. Rickman, not Atkinson. Atkinson makes sense.

5:29pm
Petr Knava
Total sense. Although I love him. Mr. Bean in this country is…special but he SHOULDNT TALK

5:29pm
Bekka Supp
Jesus the theatrics for the gift wrap is ridiculous. if there’s a Pajiba secret santa, you know what to get me.

5:30pm
Petr Knava
Mr Bean?

5:30pm
Bekka Supp
Bingo

5:31pm
Petr Knava
More Brit sex.

5:31pm
Bekka Supp
Look, I know that sometimes actors start to take on roles that closely resemble themselves, therefore, I’m believing that fucking ginger Colin is really this awful. Oh great, the porn again. ANOTHER UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION ABOUT WOMEN. No one’s hair is that neat during beej. We can edit that out.

5:32pm
Petr Knava
British women though.

5:32pm
Bekka Supp
NO. NOT THE LANGUAGE SCHOOL. Firth is taking Portuguese classes to woo Portu McPoyle!

5:33pm
Petr Knava
I’m pretty sure I know where that language school is. It’s on Oxford street and its a fucking shithole.

5:33pm
Bekka Supp
So here Colin the Ginger is in Wisconsin and just blew up a bar door. Truthfully, if I met a man like that, I’d punch him in the junk. Twice to be sure. Oh god. Oh god no.

5:33pm
Petr Knava
Colin. Colin. Colin. NOOOOOOOOO. SMOOOOOOOOOTH.



5:34pm
Bekka Supp
I HATE THIS ENTIRE FUCKING SCENE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. EMMA FROST HIM HARD.

5:35pm
Petr Knava
If this bloke could do this just by showing up in Wisconsin…need to book a ticket. This the most bullshit I’ve ever seen shoveled outside of Pamplona. Is this what the British accent does? As a scientist I am intrigued.

5:37pm
Bekka Supp
No, Petr. No. Not usually. For you though? Probably. But you find yourself a nice Portuguese girl there in London.

5:37pm
Petr Knava
Hahahaha this is such shit. Christmas at the Gruber’s. This is where Thompson thinks she’s getting Sex Robot’s necklace, huh? Has Emma Thompson been given any other characteristic other than: suffering, tolerant, and patient?

5:38pm
Bekka Supp
She’s getting Nighy’s CD, isn’t she? Oh. Joni Mitchell. This makes me so sad. No necklace.

5:38pm
Petr Knava
I don’t like where this is going. Oh nooo. Fuck she knows. Fuck. WHAT IS THIS AWFULNESS?
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5:39pm
Bekka Supp
Look, if anyone is reading this, and we’re friends and you like this movie? YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. Oh my heart. Not sweet angel baby Emma. Not like this. This hurts.

5:39pm
Petr Knava
*smashes glass, *smashes remote, *punches wall

5:40pm
Bekka Supp
I’d throw my laptop outside but there’s like, a foot of snow. WHY IS THIS SCENE LINGERING? Why won’t the pain subside?!

5:40pm
Petr Knava
SHE FIXES HERSELF AND COMES BACK. NOOOOOOO. FUCKING DROPKICK HIM IN THE FACE

5:40pm
Bekka Supp
Her lipstick is on fucking point though. She is the strongest woman I know. In this movie. Right now. Goddammit Neeson! Why do you tell your adult child Jojen that?! “oh I fucked your mom, everywhere, like your room.” Cool story, DAD.

5:43pm
Bekka Supp
And now these two with the weird Brit porn. Fucking throwaway hobbit sex plot! No one cares! Wait! HOT CARL! SHOT.

5:45pm
Petr Knava
JUST BONE HER RIGHT THERE YOU MUG. Oh for fuck’s sake. Oh good the prime minister. What people can we bomb tonight cos I’m sexually frustrated?

5:46pm
Bekka Supp
This web of stories isn’t making any sense. This blog is going to look like we were watching the fucking movie out of sequence. WE’RE NOT.

5:46pm
Petr Knava
Seriously, I am SO lost.

5:46pm
Bekka Supp
Oh good. It’s Juliet and whatever the fuck she’s wearing. Wait no.

5:46pm
Petr Knava
Oh?

5:46pm
Bekka Supp
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

5:46pm
Petr Knava
No

5:46pm
Bekka Supp
NO NO NO NO

5:47pm
Petr Knava
No. No. No. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH.

When-Mark-Confesses-His-Feelings-Juliet-Via-Posterboard.gif

5:47pm
Bekka Supp
WHY SWEET GOD WHY?! IS THIS LOVE ACTUALLY?! I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS. I FUCKING QUIT, ROWLES. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

5:48pm
Petr Knava
YOU DON’T KNOW HER YOU FUCKING MUG! SHE’S YOUR BEST MATE’S MISSUS! WHAT’RE YOU DOING SHOWING UP AT THEIR DOOR WITH SIGNS, YOU DIMESTORE BOB DYLAN DICKHEAD?! DUSTINNNNNNNNNNN!!!! Also no one lives in streets like that in london unless youre a saudi sheikh.

5:48pm
Bekka Supp
THIS ISN’T FUCKING SAY ANYTHING WHAT MOVIE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE IN?! Blue skies and then snow? SHOT

5:49pm
Petr Knava
DOUBLE FUCKING SHOT. My liver is screaming

5:49pm
Bekka Supp
THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER. WHY? WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS?!

5:50pm
Petr Knava
I *genuinely* do not understand. I am not trying to be smart, ironic, nothing. Just do not get it.

5:51pm
Bekka Supp
I swear to god, if Courtney’s fever dream conclusion of watching this movie 25 fucking times isn’t that Nighy is the best character, I’m resigning.

5:51pm
Petr Knava
OMG. Courtney has had to watch this repeatedly. OMG Courtney, if you’re reading this, I’M SO SORRY

5:51pm
Bekka Supp
How do we send her a care kit? Or like a vacation?

5:52pm
Petr Knava
Fuck, all of Britain is at her disposal.

5:52pm
Bekka Supp
Hugh’s card is signed “Your Natalie.” Oh girl, know your worth. You are not owned by any man. Unless you’re religious then it’s Jesus, I guess.

5:53pm
Petr Knava
*bows (not sure if bowing is the right thing) (what do you do for jesus)

5:53pm
Bekka Supp
Dunno. I have to consult my sweet What Would Jesus Do bracelet. Kneel? Fast maybe?

5:53pm
Petr Knava
I suppose he doesn’t really give a shit, does he? Jesus is chill. Doesn’t give a shit.
I HATE every single thing Hugh Grant says in this. The way he says it, the twitch o’ the eyes, the bullshit awkwardness, FUCK YOU.

5:54pm
Bekka Supp
Yeah but adorable British children. They have found my weakness. Ugh, SEX ROBOT again.

5:54pm
Petr Knava
PROJECT THIS IMAGE, ENSLAVE THE WORLD, THAT’S BRITAIN. OMG, EVEYONE IS CONNECTED. THIS I BRITISH CRASH

5:54pm
Bekka Supp
WITH GENITALS. My god, what have we’re brilliant.

5:55pm
Petr Knava
I sincerely regret embarking upon this adventure with you, Supp. But this is ending soon right?
Like, this is act 17 or whatever but its almost over, right?

5:57pm
Bekka Supp
A HALF HOUR LEFT. Also, the hell kind of Christmas pageant is this child going to as an octopus?

5:57pm
Petr Knava
WHAT? NO. COME ON BEKKA. YOU A BAD CHRISTIAN.

5:57pm
Bekka Supp
Duh

5:57pm
Petr Knava
THE STORY OF THE SCALLOP AND THE SQUID

5:58pm
Bekka Supp
k

5:58pm
Petr Knava
Ok with the music building, I can tell this is gonna be a half an hour of fucking coda. Goody
goody

5:59pm
Bekka Supp
Shouldn’t PM Grant have a full security detail? Do y’all just not give a shit about the personal safety of your PM?

5:59pm
Petr Knava
Nahhhhh it’s Britain: it’s cutesy and bumbling and awkward and don’t worry abou—“oh is that the IRA,” “nah don’t worry about it.”

5:59pm
Bekka Supp
Or y’all just don’t care about Hugh Grant because I get that.

6:00pm
Bekka Supp
Ok, scallop and squid, awesome. A parable. But Spiderman? Wearing a crown? Oh fuck me. I’m out. Like a solid out.

6:03pm
Petr Knava
Why is the PM and Natalie behind the curtain? I do not understand anything that’s going on anymore. But you know what? I surrender. How can man stand in the face of this tidal wave? THOMPSON! Wait. Fuck. Out of everything I will say: she can destroy me with a look. What a fucking talent.

6:07pm
Bekka Supp
BUSTED. The quiver of her bottom jaw kills me. I know Jojen is supposed to be what? 10? But he’s got bags under his eyes. Even HE’S over this movie.

6:08pm
Petr Knava
Oh good. Firth has gone to Portugal to rescue his woman. Oh, that’s not her? Wrong daughter! Marry her any way?! OH HAHAHAHA FAT JOKE. HAHAHAHA GET IT COS SHE DOESNT CONFORM EXACTLY TO THE ARBITRARY STANDARD SET BY MALE-OWNED MEDIA HAHAHAA. This movie needs to be edited out.

6:09pm
Bekka Supp
This might be the Wild Spirit talking, but there’s a part of the score right here where I
could’ve sworn it was “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.” I love you, alcohol.

6:09pm
Petr Knava
It’s the only thing that helps. And Mr. Bean, apparently. Is he magic? WAIT IS HE AN ANGEL? Ohhh that so clever, awful script people. Love you. Fuck me how long does this movie take to end? We get it, everyone loves everyone unless they’re fat, it’s great.

6:11pm
Bekka Supp
Great, the fucking airport. You know, if that was in America, Jojen would be dead from running past the TSA. He should’ve taken the walking people mover thingie. Really get a leg up on the 5-0.

6:11pm
Petr Knava
SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD AND YOURE TOO LATE. YOU RAN THROUGH THE CUSTOMS GATE

6:12pm
Bekka Supp
NO ONE IN THIS MOVIE IS PRACTICAL. NOT A ONE.

6:13pm
Petr Knava
Not. A single. Human. Acts. Like. A human. I give up. Yep, this all makes sense. This is an awful movie full of awful white people acting like weird robots on a mission to do stupid shit that no one would ever do. Where’s my Jack Daniels?

6:15pm
Bekka Supp
How this movie isn’t filed under “fantasy” I’ll never know. Airball, MPAA. I really liked the work the music supervisor did until THE INCLUSION OF THE BEACH BOYS. DO NOT SULLY THEIR GOOD NAME.

6:16pm
Petr Knava
WHY IS RICK GRIMES STILL MATES WITH HIS BEST MATE AND HIS STALKER VICTIM? THOMPSON RUN AWAY! CHIWETEL DESERVES BETTER. Half these people should get on a fucking plane and fuck the fuck off from their abusive partners is what they should do.

6:17pm
Bekka Supp
Oh sure, this is where it all ties together. Cool, Thompson looks like she’s destroyed. The PM was in Wisconsin? Important cheese business?

6:19pm
Petr Knava
So I’ve learned a lesson then: I’m flying to the States, k bai tnx England. Yes, of fucking course Bekka. They were all in Wisconsin. OMG it’s over. It’s finally over. Is this what it’ll feel like when Trump leaves office?

6:19pm
Bekka Supp
My takeaway is that time travel is possible in Wisconsin specifically. Or because of Wisconsin? Whatever. Point being, Wisconsin is Love Actually.

6:19pm
Petr Knava
Hmmm. I can buy that.

Conclusion: This movie is awful. No amount of alcohol will help better that realization. Trust us. We tried. We did it for science, so you don’t have to.

source.jpg

We give this 5/5 Hangovers

Future Direction: If you like this, and would like more of it, let us know in the comments. Our livers may hate us, but our will is strong.


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