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Day 4: Alan Rickman's Secretary Might Be a Sex Robot - 25 Days of 'Love Actually'

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | December 4, 2016 | Comments ()

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | December 4, 2016 |






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(Catch up with Day 1: Peter and Juliet’s Wedding, Day 2: HR Bumblefuckery and Day 3: President Billy Bob.)

Obviously, the Rickman Shop of HR Horrors portion of the movie is among its most infuriating. So I choose today to focus on Mia, the secretary.

Because when you begin to examine her, a whole world of possibilities opens like her horrifically awkward slouchy skirt legs.

So, we learn upon first meeting her that Mia is new to her job. Rickman asks her how she’s settling in. She basically answers “I’d like to settle in ON THAT DICK” and pretty much stays at this level the rest of the movie. The film takes place over the course of five weeks, and all five of those weeks are her on a ceaseless mission to ride Rickman like the London Eye and show him her own London Eye and yes I mean her butthole because we don’t have time for euphemizing right now, I’ve got a discovery to share.

So, she’s brand new. Her sole purpose is to destroy Rickman’s marriage and testicles. Her only other ostensible purpose is to plan a party which she does specifically to make his marriage and testicles more accessible for destruction. She even does so wearing an actual devil costume because this movie is so heavy-handed its arms drag the ground.

And this is what she’s wearing under the devil costume.

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Those are underwear you only wear to BANG YOUR BOSS. Combine this with her bedroom. Look at this bedroom.

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That is a room specifically designed to BANG YOUR BOSS. Purple lighting, red flowers randomly placed on the wall.

But then when you first walk into her home, it’s all beige and hotel art.

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So, my question is obviously this: is Mia a sex robot sent to this film’s universe as an agent of sexual chaos? The only other people she knows outside the office environment are Andrew Lincoln—world’s worst best man and purveyor of art about butts—and Natalie. The three of them all, with degrees of malice varying from none (Natalie) to “Reddit’s most nice-guy nice guy” (Andrew Lincoln) to ALL OF IT ALL OF THE MALICE (Mia), bring some manner of upheaval to the other people in their storylines. The most upheaval is clearly courtesy of Mia.



And then there’s the fact that Mia dresses like a literal devil in this movie THAT HAS NO CHILL. Add that to the fact that Rowan Atkinson is supposed to be a literal angel, and there you have it. Mia is, according to the movie, an evil wicked slutmonster from planet Woman Issues.

Also it’s possible she only has one pair of underwear.

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After this scene, wherein she receives her necklace (and the unkempt sheets and drawn shades tell us she did in fact succeed in her Bang the Rickman plot) she is only seen once more—to send Hugh Grant to Natalie’s house next door. She has carried out her plan and has nothing left to give but directions.

What I’m saying is that this movie is Westworld. Also I haven’t seen Westworld yet. I’m busy watching Love Actually 25 times. SEE YOU TOMORROW.


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