Eloquent Eloquence: Ye Olde Methamphetamyne Edition

Eloquent Eloquence, Ye Olde Methamphetamyne Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion.

Edition Runners Up: Muppet Stargate Trilogy, Punch a Dolphin.

This post about book stores is poetry. Technically, it is prose.

• The This One Is Actually from tomandlorenzo.com Comment of the Week goes to dharmabum8 who will never know:

That might be the most slimming optical illusion I’ve ever seen.

• The If Not, It Should Be Comment of the Week goes to Princess Betty for, well, this might be gross, but here it is:

I thought salt and peppering in my beard was the new moist lions. I was very confused for a moment. I’m fine now.

• The The Fug Girls Aren’t the Only Ones with a Fantastic Karl Lagerfeld Impression Comment of the Week goes to KARLBY for simultaneously channeling batshit and pretension:

Your criticism will only give you crow’s feet, liebkind. Let loose your inner peacock and caress the bulging velvet of my art. Your heart is a toaster filled with seedless rye. No butter, darling. RELEASE

• The Punishment by Lego Is an Excellent Solution to Prison Overcrowding Comment of the Week goes to Katee Sackhoff superfan Helo whose prize is a Starbucks gift certificate:

A: “Too much Starbuck”

Q: What are phrases that should be outlawed and punishable by McDowellizing the offender with the crotch-against-the-car-window scene in Sideways on loop for the remainder of their natural lives?

(I’ll settle for someone simply placing a curse on them to step on a lego in the middle of the night every time they wake up to go tinkle. And then to have them go tinkle every hour, on the hour, on weeknights.)

• The It’s the Inaccurate Physics That Really Gets Our Goat Comment of the Week goes to placidandy for another criticism that we can add to the Terry Richardson pile:

Yeah I have an opinion. I have a GOD DAMN opinion. When El Cyrus is hanging off of that wrecking ball like a limpet stuck on a humpback’s eyebrow, it’s just swaying in the breeze merrily. A sphere of solid metal of that diameter would weigh as much as a truck, and the force exerted by overly-desperate ex-tween gyrations shouldn’t even budge it. It’s a massive special effects failure and I simply cannot enjoy the video as a result.

• The Don’t Underestimate Clint Eastwood’s Sex Life Because He’s Old Comment of the Week goes to Finance_Nerd for with a H/T to ZbornakSyndrome.

I know what you’re thinking, punk. You’re thinking “did I have kids by six women or only five?” Now to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all this excitement. But I’ve tried Magnum condoms, the most powerful condoms in the world, and they blow clean off. So you’ve gotta ask yourself a question: “Should a Hollywood icon w/a net worth of over $375M worry about having kids or just keep on getting lucky?” Well, what would you do, punk?

• The Hiddleston and Cumberbatch. It Sounds Like Something That Aired on NickToons in the 90s Comment of the Week goes to Pants_are_a_must with a wriggle to Jerce for the introduction:

Yeah, it does sound like a show about two stoned hairy worms living in a tree stump somewhere.

• The Great Wit Cares Not for Spelling Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to NateMan for the intro and the quote. Your prize is 24,3nf,90j,9=7,t90 pages of torrid fanfiction:

Nateman: “Hey Loki, you wanna feel THE THUNDER?”

Emmalita: THE LIGHTENING?

NateMan: That’s the 3rd in the Thor trilogy, don’cha know. After the World is Dark comes: THE LIGHTENING.

*insert gravelly voice here*
In a World made Dark by Thor’s creepy desire for a mortal woman like 1/50th his age, only Loki’s incestuous love can bring Thor to Valhalla. Sparks - among other things - will erupt when hammer meets staff. Light returns to the Dark World in: THOR 3: THE LIGHTENING.

Rated NC-17

• The Robert DeNiro’s Waiting… to Play the Lead Comment of the Week goes to Bananaranma, although it needs a BRAAAAAAHM. Work it into the second draft:

Exec: So do you have that ‘Robocop’ reboot draft ready?
Writer: Yeah, you’ll love it. We’ve reworked the original’s pointed social commentary for a nuanced look at the creeping invasion of technology in modern life.
E: (Laughing so hard that drool runs into his three puppy martini). Wow, that’s funny. But seriously do you have the draft?
W: Umm…boom?
E: Love it.
W: BOOOM, BANNNG, PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW, KAAALBBBBLAAAM!!! “Come quietly or there will be… trouble.”
E: Great, call back quote…the Comicon nerds will love it. I smell franchise!

• The We Are Torn Between Smacking You and Bowing Down in Respect Comment of the Week goes to NynjaSquirrel for a clever answer to a clever question from Fredo:

NynjaSquirrel: Hmm, moist, exploding lions… that’s going to get really messy. Do your keepers where special waterproofs?

Fredo: My question is: do you have to constantly have to buy new lions if they keep exploding? And where is the exploding lion store?

NynjaSquirrel: Mane Street I think.

• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to bastich for answering the question, “Is Ian McKellan working through a checklist of famous/infamous characters as some kind of bucket list?:

I heard that he’s next going to play an aging Pippi Longstocking who
comes out of retirement to use her super-strength to avenge the death of
her monkey, Mr.Nilsson.

The working title is “Pippi: Requiem”.