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They Call This the Robocop Trailer, But I Call It The Entire Movie In Two Minutes.

By Jodi Clager | Trailers | September 6, 2013 | Comments ()


robocop-joel-kinnaman1.jpg

Hollywood continues the moronic tradition of giving away an entire movie in the very first trailer. Listen, dicks, if you have to tell me all of the first act just to get me interested in your turd remake? Maybe just skip the whole thing, hmm?

First of all, I’ve never seen the original Robocop and I’m fine with that. Secondly, does Gary Oldman have a second or third family that he has to financially provide for? Seriously, you can say no to some things. You and Sam Jackson don’t have to take every single role offered to you. We’ll still love you.

Third? The the end of the synopsis sounds like a sh*tty corporation’s vision statement.

In RoboCop, the year is 2028 and multinational conglomerate OmniCorp is at the center of robot technology. Overseas, their drones have been used by the military for years - and it’s meant billions for OmniCorp’s bottom line. Now OmniCorp wants to bring their controversial technology to the home front, and they see a golden opportunity to do it. When Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman) - a loving husband, father and good cop doing his best to stem the tide of crime and corruption in Detroit - is critically injured in the line of duty, OmniCorp sees their chance for a part-man, part-robot police officer. OmniCorp envisions a RoboCop in every city and even more billions for their shareholders, but they never counted on one thing: there is still a man inside the machine pursuing justice.

Ugh. Enjoy the trailer, you masochists!



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Mrcreosote

    I have a petty yet important complaint about this trailer. Robocop has the voice of a redneck. What the hell didja do ta me?" Peter Weller was icy and controlled. I'm worried it's the triumph of the good ol boy over those evil, evil scientists. I'm a fan of scientists. They make cool stuff.

  • isakglasses

    well if you watch the original robocop then you have no hope in a PG-13 remake,seriously get it and tell me you would consider this reboot if it didn't have Sam Jackson,Gary Oldman and the real Bruce Wayne ...Micheal Keaton

  • Gob

    What is up with you people? I think the trailer looks awesome, because they're stressing the hero's journey against the odds and for reconnection and this, not the satire, is what made the original so emotionally investing. I think they hit the nail on the head with the direction they chose, now just to wait and see how well or not so well they've managed it.

  • Bad Superman

    Well, Michael Keaton is awesome, but we already knew that.

  • I'm sorry, I just can't even. It just doesn't look like they are gonna get me to care about Alex Murphy as much as the original did. Part of that came through the effectiveness of how they didn't show you anything but his POV for a good chunk of the movie. It was shocking and disorienting and sad and awesome. Exposition was piecemeal and was shown to be overheard conversation, not some glitzy presentation. You didn't even learn what happened to his family, just saw his futile attempt to find them.

    If they can get at least half of the emotion of the scene where Murphy walks through his old house while flashing his memories, they might have a chance.

  • googergieger

    I'd try to hate it, but all my remake hate is busy with the Oldboy remake.

  • Zuffle

    RoboCop is a masterpiece. This looks like I,Robot crossed with EA's ill-judged Syndicate reboot. Not even Gary Oldman's 'participation' can allow me to support it.

    Also, why/how/what the fuck could/would/whatever good would it do to break a robot's neck? Wouldn't any robot manufacturer worth a fucking cent put the important robotics in the torso?

  • Helo

    Somewhere in the Netherlands, Paul Verhoeven is cackling maniacally with his buddies, getting louder and louder every time someone says "right, because it worked SOOOOO well with Total Recall!"

    Sad, the cast is great on paper (seriously, Michael Keaton needed to come out of hibernation) and the director has shown he's a force to be reckoned with, but this just... Ugh. I don't know.

    (Sidenote, I find it amusing that we've gotten to the point where we can play 6 degrees of Superhero films at this point in pop culture history. And by that, I mean that Nick Fury, Batman, and Commissioner Gordon are the supporting cast. It's almost as awkward as that time Hawkeye, Batman, and Maya Hansen were in that film about bank robbahs.)

  • MrFroggie

    Or that time Batman and Wolverine were in a love triangle with Black Widow.

  • Helo

    Batman was also involved with Maya Hansen in that incident at the time. Maya Hansen sure loves her Batmen, although they inevitably betray her. It's cool, she later frolicked around Barcelona with Black Widow to get her mind off the ordeal.

  • Homestar

    I think in an interview Gary Oldman basically said he takes some roles for the money (Batman) so he can spend more time with his sons. So yeah, he does it for his family. I don't think it detracts from his performance when he actually cares, so I'm fine with it. More chances to look at his lovely face.

    Also, you should not be fine with never having seen the original Robocop. You write for a movie/pop culture website. Get on it!

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    No. No no no no no. Robocop is a great movie that used incredible violence, boobies and cursing to cover up the fact that it was a pretty great commentary on the government of 1980s America. And it worked! People loved Robocop, and maybe learned a thing or two without noticing.
    Instead of brains and blood, we now get Shouty MotherFuckin' Jackson *TM, Gary No Paycheck Too Small Oldman and Michael Hey, Where'd My Career Go Keaton stumbling around a ludicrous plot. Oh Hollywood, you could at least make it an R-rated film. For me?
    This looks just as crap as the Carrie remake, which reveals the whole plot in the trailer.

  • mairimba

    This looks SO dumb. And what's with that suit? Terrible! Who would think that 25 years later they could fuck up a movie about a half man/half ROBOT.

  • NateMan

    Ayup. I can't stand the look. The functional flesh right hand does it for me right there. One of the best parts of the original was the company's complete willingness to slice off every piece of flesh they could.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    Heh heh. Functional Flesh. I'll be right back. I'm going to talk to Larry Flynt about a new product for his Hustler stores.

  • TheFili

    I have the weirdest urge to watch all the snippets of Kickpuncher...

  • Basement Boy

    Mere words cannot describe my loathing of this all-too-prevalent type of trailer… if I projectile puked onto a flaming pile of diseased dogshit, that might begin to express my feelings. Fuck them, and TGIFF!

  • Dan O'Neill

    Just looks awful. Where's Nancy Allen when you need her!?!? Never thought I'd stoop so low as to say that.

  • psemophile

    Jose. Fucking. Padhila.
    That is all.

  • Helo

    The fact he was given the reins to this project made me go all schoolgirl giddy, but this trailer just shat the bed. I'm holding out hope, but... Expectations have been tempered.

    Tropa de Elite and its sequel were two of the most intense and engaging pieces of filmmaking I've seen in the last decade.

  • Exec: So do you have that 'Robocop' reboot draft ready?
    Writer: Yeah, you'll love it. We've reworked the original's pointed social commentary for a nuanced look at the creeping invasion of technology in modern life.
    E: (Laughing so hard that drool runs into his three puppy martini). Wow, that's funny. But seriously do you have the draft?
    W: Umm...boom?
    E: Love it.
    W: BOOOM, BANNNG, PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW, KAAALBBBBLAAAM!!! "Come quietly or there will be... trouble."
    E: Great, call back quote...the Comicon nerds will love it. I smell franchise!

  • csb

    Nope.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Bitches leave.

  • I'm actually glad the trailer gave away the entire film. Now I definitely won't have any desire to see this runny turd.

  • Fredo

    First of all, I’ve never seen the original Robocop

    I've often wondered how people miss those movies that end up on heavy HBO/Cinemax rotation. And Robocop definitely is in that list.

    and I’m fine with that.

    This I cannot allow to pass by. Robocop is one of the best sci-fi films of the last 30 years. It's hyper-violent and fun while being extremely subversive and managing to levy some good criticisms at 80s Reagan's America.

  • Len

    Not everyone enjoys hyper-violent stuff. Like me. I've never seen Robocop, but I know that he gets shot to pieces and there's an exploding acidic body, and you know what? I am totally fucking fine with never having seen any of that.

  • BlackRabbit

    Baby with the bathwater?

  • JJ

    Exactly.

    "and I'm fine with that."? Then your taste is entirely suspect.

  • As much as I like the original, I'd still toss 5 bucks to the ticket girl at the AMC for a matinee showing of that.

  • Fredo

    Would you buy that for a dollar?

  • That was actually the classified 4th Directive, you've uncovered it.

  • Cory Chalmers

    Without getting nasty myself, TK, please exclaim why seeing the original is necessary for the correct amount of hatred for the notion of a remake, sir.

  • Daniel Valentin

    Mister Chalmers, I pity you and I envy you in equal measure. I pity you because you have not seen the cinematic greatness that is the original Robocop. I envy you because you can, as a discerning adult, see it for the first time and get that completely irreplicable feeling of seeing this movie and realizing that your life is now the better for seeing it. It is my favorite damn movie of the 80's and a classic of the Cyberpunk genre. That's all I have to say about that. The movie's on Netflix, check it out.

    And yes, Red Forman from That 70's Show Is In It, and he's friggin' horrifying.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Two words: Kurtwood Smith.

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