I Understand Neither Art Nor Fashion
film / tv / lists / guides / news / love / celeb / video / think pieces / staff / podcasts / web culture / politics / dc / snl / netflix / marvel / cbr

I Understand Neither Art Nor Fashion

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | September 5, 2013 | Comments ()


But I do understand Glamour Shots and that appears to be what at least part of this is.

Let’s examine further.


The softest of focus. The largest of shoulder poofs.

A heavily pregnant Kim Kardashian was photographed by Karl Lagerfeld for a thing called CR Fashion Book, which is a thing that I don’t know what it is because, as the title states, I understand neither art nor fashion. But it appears to be pictures. Pictures with sometimes words. … *nods*

Kimmy Kimmy Kar Kar was filled to the brim with North West, and Karl Lagerfeld decided, “I must capture her essence. Bottle it. MIST LIGHTLY.” (because he exists only as the Fug Girls version of him, and I’d be tragically disappointed if he turned out at all different). So he took pictures of her that range from what apparently must be too art for me to uber bland to Wet-Seal-is-trying-to-class-themselves-up-and-this-is-the-new-image-on-their-bags. The theme for the issue in which she appears is “Hope.” Because, as you know, hope is the thing with feathers that slams full-speed into the window and thuds against the ground because the Kardashians still exist.

Let us explore. Because, ART.


OK, the one on the left is just lazy. Any asshole can do that with a $0.99 app and with a little creativity you could totally just Blingee that shit and make it way prettier and sparkly. And that thing on the right? Gaga did it. Her baby daddy did, too. Seems like things would get sweaty. Not great for the pores.


What’s on trend for the fall? Why, enormous shoulders of course! Giant shoulders! Shoulders to make Bea Arthur’s ghost weep with jealousy, and Linda Evans’s hair cry real tears of polyester sadness! Also? Hostess Snowball brooches. For elegance reasons. On the right, widow casual wear, for today’s widow on the go. Mourn free as the wind blows!


“Make your eyes deader, Kimbles. Empty. Vacant. A WINDOWLESS ROOM OF FRAMELESS PHOTOS. Also, jam. Delicious jam. AND METAPHORS PROBABLY MAYBE.”

So, in summation. I understand nothing. Nothing except shoulders. With that, I’ll be investing in lots of shoulders this season. A girl can never have too many.

The Love Interest for Zack Snyder's Batman Will Be "Tall and Possess Physicality." We Have a Suggestion | Well, You've Ruined It Now, Fincher. You May As Well Recast Katherine Heigl for the Female Lead in "Gone Girl"

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Jinx Chasen

    I have to know - were ALL of the pictures taken on-site at Ringling Brothers, or just some of them?

  • Nom DePlume

    "Because, as you know, hope is the thing with feathers that slams full-speed into the window and thuds against the ground because the Kardashians still exist." This sentence brought me a lot of joy, thank you.

  • Guest

    This has to be a joke, right?

  • tereliz

    She... actually looks kinda good in that Céline dress. No comment on the rest.

  • Morgan_LaFai

    Fashion is art though not all art is fashion, nor is all art fashionable, and what is fashionable is not always good, or even fully understood by those who create it, let alone the unartucated majority.

  • kirbyjay

    "Preggo Farting While Rising From Chair"
    Looks like art to me

  • e jerry powell

    Now I need to be killed. In the name of Art, of course.

  • DeaconG

    "Kimmy Kimmy Kar Kar was filled to the brim with North West".

    Which of course was after she was filled to the brim with Kanye.

  • e jerry powell

    Don't give him that much credit.

  • lux

    This is clearly mockery of the not-so-subtlest kind. Lagerfeld is the best kind of bitch.

  • zeke_the_pig

    What the fuck did I just see?

  • e jerry powell

    Nothing as cute as fuck, really.


    Your criticism will only give you crow's feet, liebkind. Let loose your inner peacock and caress the bulging velvet of my art. Your heart is a toaster filled with seedless rye. No butter, darling. RELEASE.

  • Disqustipated

    Many people confuse art with marketing. Or talent with marketing. Or personality with marketing.

  • nosio

    "Hope is the thing with feathers that slams full-speed into the window and thuds against the ground because the Kardashians still exist."
    I need this cross-stitched onto something, anything, STAT.

  • BWeaves

    First photo: Where the hell is her belly button, and why didn't the photoshop the rest of her out of the picture while they were at it?

    Last photo: Is that jam around her lips or does she have a really bad case of post fellatio herpes?

  • Jinx Chasen

    It's probably her curse from her mama - the dreaded psoriasis!

  • Tinkerville

    If understanding art means somehow appreciating and/or liking these photos, I'm happy to remain blissfully ignorant, thanks.

  • Zen

    It's either one of those instances when the clout of the designer is large enough to cause impressionable people to toss their first instincts and fawn over it, or he just Mean Girl'd the shit out of her. Knowing the Karl from GFY, it could likely be both.

  • Captain_Tuttle

    That last one just makes me want to scoop handsful of jam in my mouth whilst laying on a bed of hydrangeas. But someone's going to need to bring some peanut butter. Otherwise it's just gross.

  • Bert_McGurt
  • Sara_Tonin00

    I'm not sure how I feel about you pluralizing as "handsful." It's borderline pretentious, but I think I'm coming down on the "I like it" with equal parts squinty eye and upturned nose.

  • Captain_Tuttle

    That's how I look most days anyway. With a bit of jam on the tip of the upturned nose.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm just proud when I remember to do that and comparable things like teaspoonsful. Admittedly, I am often more than just borderline pretentious.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Eerm...I'm not sure it's the grammatically correct thing to do, since it's not a hyphenate like sons-in-law, but a quantity unto itself - a unit of measure. But I appreciate the mental gymnastics that go into it.

    (checked M-W. apparently both are correct, though "handfuls" is first)

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Ok, that picture with the veil coming over the Yankees cap with an American flag t-shirt? That is kind of brilliant, since Kardashian's popularity represents the death of America. But, just as attributing a clever intention to useless provocation was a mistake with Miley Cyrus, so it is here.

    I learned a lesson about art my freshman year of college. I was a theater major. My first play was a 19th century French birth-of-avant-garde play which was updated with sexual versions of local places, and lots of randomness. I had fun. But I didn't get it. And I thought: man, I thought I was smart, and even though I've had every random-ass decision for this play "explained" to me as I go, it just doesn't seem very coherent, and there's my mom doing the smile-n-nod thing and pretending to be proud of my first college performance. And then during rehearsals for the next show the upperclassmen were like "that show SUCKED" and things made sense again.

    Just because someone calls it art doesn't make it art.

  • bleujayone

    You know with just a little alteration we can see what Karl Lagerfeld truly is. "I must capture her essence. Bottle it and drink it deeply to remain young!”

    That's right. He's the Skeksis Photographer. And while a Kardashian won't rejuvenate like only a Gelfling can, like a Podling, she'll do in a pinch- even if the effects only last a few moments.

  • Mrs. Julien

    He's the Skeksis Photographer.

    I think you have Lagerfeld confused with Terry Richardson.

  • bleujayone

    No, Terry's work is for Beelzebub himself.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Beelzebub has taste. And no shower facilities. Whoever Richardson's work is for has a very strong power shower.

  • Mrs. Julien


  • CeciliaBedelia

    I'm going to skip right past the wtf-ness of this and give you my major freak out. Where the holy hell is her belly button?!? Does Kunty Karl (TM Michael K) think belly buttons are gauche? Does Kayne think they're racist? Or scarier still, is she Kyle XYing us?!?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    KK is Eve. She has no belly button.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Can't one's belly button disappear in very late pregnancy as the skin is stretched out thus leaving a smooth surface? I was lazy and delivered my son a month early, so maybe a more informed former-pregnant-person could elaborate.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    addendum: after reviewing the picture in question, far too closely for my comfort, her belly button appears to be up high in the very center of her belly in that picture.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Every now and then when scrubbing, I go a little too deep on the belly button. Does anyone else have the fear that her bellybutton will open up into her belly? What is the Greek term for that phobia?

  • Mrs. Julien

    No, but when I was young, I thought babies came out through one's bellybutton.

  • Abby

    Hah! I thought this too and for a brief period when I was about nine, taped up my belly button so as to avoid accidental pregnancy.

  • True_Blue

    My 3 years old nephew (who will have a younger brother in December) told me that Mommy has a baby in her tummy, and she feeds the baby through her bellybutton.

  • Belphebe

    nope, that would be freaky as hell. Sometimes when you are little and your baby is big, then your innie becomes an outie and is both gross and adorable. But it never goes away. I believe that hers was photoshopped out along with the stretchmarks accidentally. There is a funky black line under her belly that might be underwear, an indicator of what she was wearing over her belly before the photoshop or the deep black abyss of her soul peeking out over her uncomfortable pants.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Things Karl Lagerfeld Does Not Think Are Gauche:

    1. Karl Lagerfeld.

  • Maguita NYC

    "I must capture her essence. Bottle it. MIST LIGHTLY"

    Dahling, it is called Eau de Golden Deluge and it has been captured often enough already, on and off camera. And you cannot mist it: You pour it down on you, all of it until the last drop.

  • Jezzer

    This being Lagerfeld, I'm amazed he didn't call her "fat" and slap her in the face with an ostentatious black swan fan. The sad thing about a Kim Kardashian/Karl Lagerfeld "collaboration" is that I can't pick a side. I hate them both pretty equally.

  • Mrs. Julien

    This is the equivalent of an elaborate bait and switch prank by a group of 13-year-old girls. It's quite fantastically mean and reeks of elitism.

  • Jezzer

    I disapprove of meanliness. >:(

  • PDamian

    Oh, come ON ... Lagerfeld is trolling her, right? And probably on Anna Wintour's orders.

  • Pants-are-a-must

    Lagerfeld doesn't need Wintour's permission to do that. The man already embodies the essence of a gremlin after a giant jug of water and a midnight snack.

  • Mrs. Julien

    He took her vulgarity and gave it a big wet kiss under the auspices of art, but really under the auspices of intentional sly mocking. It's a stealth slam and she fell for it.

  • Nom DePlume

    I actually don't think Karl Lagerfeld is complex enough for that. He's so unabashedly TRASHY.

blog comments powered by Disqus