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Eloquent Eloquence: Thighs of Fassbender Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | May 3, 2013 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | May 3, 2013 |

Eloquent Eloquence, Thighs of Fassbender Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and spoiler-laden Game of Thrones discussions are ineligible for inclusion.

It was almost “Glowing Windshield Wiper of Doom Edition”, but I went with the pander. I think that’s best.

The Do You Write for a Living? That Was a very Vivid Visual. Comment of the Week goes to Xtacle Steve for a very vivid visual, plus a H/T to F’mal DeHyde:

Of course, it isn’t a YouTube comment. Where are the racist or homophobic remarks? Where are the threats to Rebecca Black? I will give Pailin this, though. She knows how to keep herself relevant. Not 2008 relevant, but more like that last pubic crab fighting through the special shampoo while desperately grabbing at that wirery life rope.

The Trust Me. Start at about the Second Comment. I Can’t Choose and They Need to Be Read. Comment of the Week goes to This Thread. That’s right. You have to click for it.

The You Know What Happens to Squirrels When They Get Hit by Lightning? Comment of the Week goes to BWeaves and Dutch for the perfect slam and rejoinder:

BWeaves: Is Halle Berry a flying squirrel?
Dutch: Yes and they are pairing her with a new character who has the mutant powers of a dim-witted moose.

The Because to Do Otherwise Would Be a CapAsstrophe Comment of the Week goes to Jodi Clager who is doing God’s work:

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The Speaking of Things That Can’t Live Up to the Hype Comment of the Week goes to God Of Bal-Sagoth. Is anyone sensing a theme? :

::watches trailer::

::adjusts pants::

::watches trailer again::

::closes blinds::

The Does that Arithmetic Look Right to You? Comment of the Week goes to , for telling us what is on his bucket list:

1. Threesome

Later that same thread…

Seems coincidental/ironic that three people have upvoted this.
These might just be the three I’m looking for.

The Who Should Be Cast as a “Chess Playing Dwarf”? Comment of the Week goes to Long_Pig_Tailor for being accurate and wry:

They’re actually looking for an unknown dwarf. Preferably hot, young and tall.

They’re also reimagining dwarves.

The Fingers on the Pulse of the Zeitgeist Comment of the Week goes to Wembley for incorporating the phrase du jour in an admonishment:

How can we take you seriously, Sarah?
You completely failed to threaten to punt our collective cunts. And that is the new bar that has been set in scolding in this day and age.

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The No, Don’t Hold Back Comment of the Week goes to Julie Chase who knows from both ass and trash:

That frolicking in the water picture looks like she won the World’s Ass-Trashiest Trash-Assiest Mother pageant and she didn’t know how to wear the sash.

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Superasente. Porous Scrotum will be the title of his autobiography:

Admin’s comment reminded me of one drunken night in my early 20s. My roommate and I were bored and we were challenging each other to do stupid shit. Somehow it fell on me to begin dipping my testicles in different substances. First milk, which was cool and soft, like water but thicker. Then vodka, which we both expected would burn, but was in fact quite neutral. Finally, a bowl of Coca-Cola (all of these substances were in bowls at the corner of a table, with me swatting over them so I was still technically “dipping” my balls, which was very important for some reason). We expected the Coke to be fizzy and gentle, but the harsh disgusting acids burned through my porous scrotum in a flash and had me hopping in pain. Anyway, I rinsed off and we both agreed that three substances was the perfect comedic number for such an event, and to go one further woul just make it weird. We agreed to only revisit the ball-dipping if we could somehow acquire a bowl of blood, to go along with motor oil and gallium, a metal that melts at body temperature (again, unless you do three more, you lose that comedic equilibrium).

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