Eloquent Eloquence: Professional Teeth Edition
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Eloquent Eloquence: Professional Teeth Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | April 26, 2013 | Comments ()

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Eloquent Eloquence, Professional Teeth Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and spoiler-laden Game of Thrones discussions are ineligible for inclusion.

The Do Go On Comment of the Week goes to Brooke Michelle for this magnificent tease:

I had a dream about John Snow, where he was a vampire and we were hanging out in the Star Trek universe, and there were academy cadets with their uniforms on.

So yeah, not relevant, but seeing Kit Harrington just made me think of it.

The Nice Work Dudebro! Comment of the Week goes to Xtacle Steve. Can I get a "JEAH!"?:

What would Ryan Lochte do? I'm not entirely sure, but I'm sure whatever it is, it ends with a high five. Always.

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The Can I Just play Fuck/Fuck/Marry with "Into Darkness"? Comment of the Week goes to PatsGirl with a H/T to MissAmynae for the kind of precision that gives Pajiba it's spice:

Seconded! Except it would be Fuck-Marry/Fuck-Marry/Fuckhard-Marry/BeBestFriendsWith (Urban/Pine/Cumberbatch/Quinto)

The Wouldn't the Accents and Symbols Catch and/or Chafe? Comment of the Week goes to TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin for sexually-harassing a spambot:

I don't know what font or language that is in, but I want to rub my testicles on it.

The That's a Pretty Big Assumption Comment of the Week goes to Bert_McGurt for making an ass of you and me:

I still think there's a market for "The Meth-Adventures of Badger and Skinny Pete". Assuming they survive.

The When Did We decide Sofia Coppola had no talent? Comment of the Week goes to opiejuankenopie with an interrogatory from lowercase_ryan:

Oh she has talent. She just uses it to make annoying films about people I hate.

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The You Call Yourself a Sorority Sister, You Son of a Bitch? Comment of the Week goes to Genevieve Burgess here is your drink. Appletinis are for closers:

I'm going to now have to physically restrain myself from writing a gender-flipped version of "Glengarry Glen Ross" set in a sorority house using ample excerpts from that rant for the character of Blake. Which is an actual name a sorority girl would have.

And it could be Gamma Gamma Rho...

Goddamnit, I really need someone to tell me that's a terrible idea because it's getting more attractive by the minute.

The Shut The Fock Up Before You Jinx Some Shit Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone, although I think it is some of DeNiro's best work. TK helped.:

Awww...I guess that means we'll have to wait longer on the latest Stiller/De Niro installment "Focking A", where now this time Jack decided that Greg's kids must have cheated their way into a prestigious high school since there's no way any offspring of Greg could be so smart. Merry mix-ups aplenty go down when Jack accidentally has his grandchildren shipped off to Guantanamo Bay and decides to cover his own ass by fabricating a phony pharmaceutical smuggling ring and frame Greg's position as a nurse as being the proof. Amusement is had by all as we cut back and forth between detention centers watching scenes of both Greg and his kids getting cavity searches and being horrified when it does not involve a dentist. Meanwhile Jack is trying to bring back Greg and his grandchildren without getting on the shit-list of his wife, daughter and in-laws but only makes thing work as he discovers he has early stage dementia and cannot remember the proper passwords to have them set free. Finally he just says "Fock It!" and runs away to Costa Rica with Angela Bassett. Release date has been pushed back to Focktember of 20-Fockteen.

The Being Gary Busey Comment of the Week goes to klingonfree for a delightful, and thematically-appropriate, display of derangement:

I have so many feelings: I want to be Gary Busey. I love Gary Busey. Gary Busey has it all over on all of us weenie dogs who are "sane." Gary Busey was in one of my top 10 movies ever Buddy Holly Story and still, this is better by far than that performance. Gary Busey acts insane because it is loads more fun that being sane or acting sane whichever man. Gary Busey makes me want to twist up a joint and shmoke that fucker and its only 944 on a work day. GaryBuseyGaryBuseyGaryBusey! If Gary Busey was a university I'd be summa cum Gary. If Gary Busey were a dessert hed be covered with nuts. If Gary Busey was a movie he'd be Mars Attacks. Gary Busey is a vinyl album copy of Exile on Main Street. Gary Busey is as Gary Busey Does.

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Christopher for upbraiding a spambot. Everyone's a diacritic:

* "Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul,ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."

Side-note: not even sure the $ sign is a recognised component of black speech. Whether Sauron's legion settled on a particular currency is contested by most Tolkien experts; popular wisdom states they probably just killed their fellow statesmen and took their shit. I digress.

I suggest brushing up linguistically before flaunting your skills in public. Nobody likes a cocky upstart.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Emperor Cupcake

    If you don't write the sorority girl "Glengarry" then I will.

  • ,

    I have a vinyl copy of "Exile on Main Street."

    *eyes record rack for nutty shenanigans*

    *sees none*

    *grows suspicious ... Busey on Main Street may just be biding its time ...*

  • zeke_the_pig

    I'm so glad the Busey piece made it in.
    Also I'd watch the shit out of The Meth Adventures of Badger and Skinny Pete.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I imagine it sort of like Rocky & Bullwinkle, except they're pretty much both Bullwinkle.

  • Maguita NYC

    I do not mean to insult the many trekkies, but it sounded like Christopher was being viciously disparaging in Klingon.

    Kind of a turn on. Congrats Eloquents!

  • $27019454

    I can be viciously disparaging in Klingon

  • Maguita NYC

    Well now that you've given me the heads up, how's it gonna work? I'm finicky that way and need to be constantly surprised.

  • Guest

    Oh yeah baby.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Have I told you lately that I love you?

  • Superasente

    Admin's comment reminded me of one drunken night in my early 20s. My roommate and I were bored and we were challenging each other to do stupid shit. Somehow it fell on me to begin dipping my testicles in different substances. First milk, which was cool and soft, like water but thicker. Then vodka, which we both expected would burn, but was in fact quite neutral. Finally, a bowl of Coca-Cola (all of these substances were in bowls at the corner of a table, with me swatting over them so I was still technically "dipping" my balls, which was very important for some reason). We expected the Coke to be fizzy and gentle, but the harsh disgusting acids burned through my porous scrotum in a flash and had me hopping in pain. Anyway, I rinsed off and we both agreed that three substances was the perfect comedic number for such an event, and to go one further woul just make it weird. We agreed to only revisit the ball-dipping if we could somehow acquire a bowl of blood, to go along with motor oil and gallium, a metal that melts at body temperature (again, unless you do three more, you lose that comedic equilibrium).

  • e jerry powell

    Coke is bad on the scrotum. Someone spilling poppers on your balls makes Coke seem like milk.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Did you check your sperm count lately?

  • Uriah_Creep

    Did you check your sperm count IQ lately?

  • Captain D

    Sounds like the plot for the next Harmony Korine movie. I'm not sure why you would experience that sensation with the Coke, though. It's likely a reaction to one of the other substances. Anyone with kids can tell you what it feels like to have a cola spilled on their lap on a summer day.

  • Mrs. Julien

    So...that happened.

  • emmelemm


    /glad I'm not a guy, honestly

  • Maguita NYC

    We can always try dipping boobs...

  • Mrs. Julien

    You first.

  • Maguita NYC


  • BWeaves

    The Kickerstarter campaign for "Gamma Gamma Rho" starts in 5 seconds.

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