HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER / GAME OF THRONES / THE WALKING DEAD / NETFLIX



So, You Want to Sell a Sex Tape

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | April 30, 2013 | Comments ()


farrah-teen-mom-book.jpg

And why wouldn't you? You're a morally reprehensible, wretchedly lazy individual, a living argument for a rigorous system of required standardized testing prior to being approved to reproduce human children. Let's make dreams come true!

1. Are you prepared to ruin innocent lives to make this a reality?

Of course you are! You're awful! So, assuming you're a teen girl, get pregnant, have a baby, be generally terrible to said baby and your parents. You might think, "but, Courtney, shouldn't I not be doing those things?" Trust me, you will be rewarded greatly.

2. Get reality show deal.

This will be the easiest part. MTV literally just gives these things away. I went into Target on Earth Day and they gave me a reusable bag, I opened it, BOOM, MTV was in there and gave me a reality show. I'm gonna go inject Mod Podge into my booby sacks and then start filming.

3. Buy new face/body with reality show money, rather than spending it on frivolous things, like college or your child.

QAClE.jpg

To ensure that the boobs get the maximum amount of attention, the face should really be, at best, a lateral move. Let's be real -- that mug ain't the moneymaker here.

4. Put on bikini. Call paparazzi. Pose, dress and act naturally, so no one realizes you called said paparazzi yourself.

o-FARRAH-ABRAHAM-BIKINI-facebook.jpg

Nailed it.

4. Make sex. Film it.

Preferably with a professional porn actor, so you can really push home the "this was a personal sex tape!" message in the most laughable way possible.

5. Sell to the highest bidder.

Fist (EDIT: typo stays FOREVER), you'll need to negotiate. Bring your small child. Works every time. Then, profit!

The bids will, apparently, be high. Upwards of one million dollars. Because, as terrible as you are, other people are terrible, too! Society! Profit! Business money success! Boo dignity!

farrah.jpg

6. Somehow, still manage to not be the worst of the Teen Moms.

I think the Kesha one who had and/or faked a miscarriage on Twitter and has been arrested for assault and heroin and all manner of demonry multiple times takes that one. She also wins the prize for Most School Picturiest Mug Shots.

jenellemugshot.jpg

Damn, girl, you're good.



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Comments Are Welcome, Douches Are Not


  • e jerry powell

    James Deen gives serious "who farted" face.

    I blame MTV for all the evils of American culture. If they were still playing music videos all day, none of this would have happened.

  • Genevieve Burgess

    Seriously, though, how is it that a 20 year old is a dead ringer for one of those late-30s Real Housewives? Tonight I genuinely shocked the lady at the liquor store when she looked at my ID and realized I was 26. I thought it was a compliment, but I guess there's just some rough-looking 20 year olds running around. In ill-fitting bikinis, no less.

  • minxy

    Our culture is going through a nihilistic cycle where fame is seen as a means to an end; young people largely lack a sense of hope. Young women are told that being beautiful is the most important thing they are and their sexuality is everyone's property. Yeah, this girl doesn't seem ethical or bright, but why is she given a position in the public eye at all? Why is there a humiliation industry at all? I think your outrage is misplaced.

  • Palaeologos

    The Farrahs and Janelles of the world were there long before MTV existed, and will be long after we're dead. There's really nothing new under the sun.

  • Amanda

    I honestly thought that this girl was the one girl from SNL. She looks remarkably like her in the bikini shot.

  • PrintersDevil

    Ms Courtly Elbow (which is forever how I will pronounce your name, no disrespect intended):

    I enjoy Pajiba immensely but whenever I land on the site and see something by Ms Elbow, I am certain that I will be greatly entertained by excellent mockery and the finest drollery.

    Just wanted to say thank you for writing...

  • Zen

    Ho hum. At least Deen was honest - he refused to pretend they were dating. It was a job, and apparently she signed the model release. Now this 'private' nonsense and her 'innocently' knocking his penis size just makes it dirty. Dirtier, if you like.

  • Did he really say that? Damn, good for him.

  • Proof positive that the '56 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers was, in fact, a documentary. Humanity has been systematically replaced.

  • Archie Leach

    There is no hope for humanity.

  • Mrcreosote

    Farrah Abraham? That's her name? I knew I got the wrong Lincoln movie.

  • Devin McMusters

    Don't you think her parents doomed her in the first place by naming her after the girl in that poster?

  • Feralhousecat

    This seems as good a reason to drink as any.

  • John W

    I think you need to change the tag to "Celebrities are dumber than you".

  • BlackRabbit

    And there's your new game show title.

  • Jill

    "Mod Podge into my booby sacks" Ooohh, someone's been hitting the Pinterest (on the internets) hard.

  • I totally thought it was Modge Podge until that Pin started going around this week.

  • L.O.V.E.

    7. Lose all your money on studio and producer fees when you try to parlay your porn movie into a music career.

  • Lindsey Gregory

    I hate everything.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    I like the way Snrub-ory thinks!

  • Rochelle

    I hate everything with you.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I still blame this on Kim Kardashian and her proving that this can work. And Paris before her.

  • The fact that this is a Thing That Works just makes me want to cry. I can't even think about it too much.

  • Ian Fay

    Sorry, she's below the Vickie Mendoza Diagonal.

    http://youtu.be/dc4TXCZGgXY

  • alwaysanswerb

    "Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom"?

    There's gotta be something out there better than that.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Yep. For example:

    1. A day at Chuck E Cheese with a bunch of snot-nosed kids
    2. An appendectomy
    3. The plague

    Just to name a few.

  • Maguita NYC

    Is a Chick-a-bigot filet better than a "Backdoor mom"..?

    You know what would be all around much better? Forget the filet-au-bigot and the maman-à-la-exit-re-entry, and have a happy-greasy "poutine" instead.

    Those French Canadians are about to KILL me with their greesy goodness!

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    Aren't we great? Do you see what my nation's brain can do? We are like gravy lasers!

  • Maguita NYC

    Go Habs Go?!

  • alwaysanswerb

    I've had an appendectomy, so I can say with certain experience that not only would it be preferable to watching this tape, but I would rather have my appendix surgically reattached, re-inflamed, and removed again, all without anesthesia, than watch this tape.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    Can I watch that surgery?

  • alwaysanswerb

    Probably also more rewarding viewing than "Farrah Superstar"

  • foolsage

    If I lean down just right, I think I can stick my tongue out far enough to slam it in my desk drawer. That also sounds preferable to watching this video.

  • BWeaves

    "Fist, you’ll need to negotiate." sic

    Do NOT change the typo. I like it.

  • carrie

    pathetic famewhore!

  • BlackRabbit

    You repeated yourself, Sam Clemens.

  • That frolicking in the water picture looks like she won the World's Ass-Trashiest Trash-Assiest Mother pageant and she didn't know how to wear the sash.

  • ,

    Agree. Those might be the least-sexy bikini photos I've ever seen.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    e.e. nom up in here.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I detest everything in this story, but I asked this question on Uproxx yesterday and now I'll ask you guys.

    How does Vivid have this kind of money? How can they give her almost a million bucks?

    WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?!

  • the other courtney

    Funny you say that... I've always heard of online porn but had never actually seen any. Not because I'm a prude, I just have a lot of laundry to do and a job and my spare time is scarce. ANYWAY, I figured it was all pay-for-porn until I asked a friend where one finds free porn.

    "What do you mean where, dumbass? Start with Google and work your way from there. Is this a serious question??" - he then started rambling off porn search engines. Mostly m/m (as is his preference) but he assured me I'd find something.

    So I Googled.
    I did not know there was so. much. porn. Hand to God.

    Found oodles of naked good times. FREE. All kinds, shapes, flavors and some stuff I don't really understand... anyway, I agree. Why would anyone pay for porn? It's right THERE.

  • Frank Booth

    "How much free porn is there on the internet" I chanced to ask God one day.
    " ALL OF IT" he replied with a chuckle.
    He was right as always.

  • oilybohunk7

    My favorite is the use of the phrase "Hand to God" referring to free porn. It gave me the smiles.

  • lowercase_ryan

    This is a delightful response.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    Your naivete is strangely adorable.

  • foolsage

    That's a fair question. It seems like the demographic this is targeted towards is very small indeed; young, social-media-conscious people who are somehow unaware how to get porn for free on the internet.

  • Amy

    As a commenter on Celebitchy mentioned, she mostly likely didn't actually get paid $1M for the tape...because seriously. It's probably a ploy to generate interest. She probably really only got paid in the tens of thousands. But if the tape sells a million copies, she'll get a nice cut.

    At least I hope that scenario is closer to reality...

  • lowercase_ryan

    my point was, who is gonna buy a copy? If you want to see it, you will easily be able to do so for free,.

  • trixiestreats

    But you didn't make a point. You asked three distinct questions in your comment, and I replied to one of them -- addressing the million dollar payment she may or may not have received that may or may not be contingent on people actually buying the tape.

    I can't answer the "who is gonna buy a copy?" because I sincerely hope that no one does.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    YER MOM!

  • lowercase_ryan

    Note to self: Show mom how to use her iPad properly.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    iFap

  • the_wakeful

    Wait, she tried to insult James Deen* by saying he has a small penis? Does she not realize that's verifiably false? Virtually all of us have seen it.

  • Lisa Newlin

    I also love how she doesn't even realize that by her saying he has a small penis, what she's really saying is she has a huge vag. I think we all assumed this, but I guess we will find out for sure when the "film" is released.

  • Maguita NYC

    Or, as Tom Arnold had previously stated when discussing Roseanne Barr's hoo-ha:

    "Even a 747 looks tiny when landing in the Grand Canyon".

  • Sara_Tonin00

    careful how you go spelling there. don't confuse James Dean with James Deen. (I spent a couple of minutes wondering how everyone had seen the Rebel Without a Cause's penis)

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  • Maguita NYC

    LOVE the bold-Italic font! Classy with flair.

  • wonkeythemonkey

    Apparently, this spambot is holding the children of two upvoters for ransom.

  • the_wakeful

    Lemon Stealing Whore is the new Rebel Without a Cause.

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