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Eloquence: Bathing in the Blood of Marvin Suggs Muppaphones

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | September 14, 2012 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | September 14, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in reviews and on the caption contest are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

This is my one year EE anniversary and I’ve been keeping statistics all this time in anticipation of some kind of unpleasantness, but no one has asked or recriminated even once, so I’m giving them to you anyway: 52 weeks; 284 commenters; 72% have been on the list once; 12% twice; 8% thrice; 8% more than 3 times; and 9 people have “won” twice.

The This Is Exactly Why “Maim Race” Didn’t Make It Past Working Title Status Comment of the Week goes to duckandcover (with a hat tip to Carlito);

This is going to be the THIRD Death Race movie. Seriously, how many movies can you make about cars and a race that’s supposed to kill you. Isn’t the point of that being NO sequels?

The It’s a Valid Question. Someone Get On Him/That Comment of the Week goes to lowercase_ryan. Do let us know how things work out:

If self-loathing is that sexy, why aren’t I getting laid?

The Yes, But This Baby Had the Formula for Cold Fusion Knocked Out of His Head When It Hit the Pavement Comment of the Week goes to jM:

You’re gonna have egg on your face when you find out she was on the phone instructing her other baby how to carefully disable a bomb on a bus FULL of babies.

The Feel Good Comment of the Week goes to klingonfree. My cockles have never been warmer:

I can’t hate her. But then neither do I take any responsibility for the “creation of her” as MikeRooda asserts in his(?) post.

But please may I go back to the point at which I cannot hate her and I am being as unironic and unsnarky and totally serious as I can. Let me ‘splain, as my hot Peruvian hunk of husband would say:

She has a lot of stuff and she has no money worries and she is (arguably) very beautiful and the world rolls out its red carpet for her and gives her free shit and flat screen tvs and bottles of big-deal champagne and she does not have to put up with fucked up bosses or unemployment or flat tires or stubborn stains or exorbitant school fees and all that. No. She has it sofa king easy. I’m sure she has a pet baby unicorn and an otter tucked away somewhere, and puppies on demand. I know this.

But is there even the tiniest doubt in anyone’s mind here in Pajibaland that she will ever or has ever felt that thing, that amazing thang that normal, balanced human beings feel when they have done something small and everyday and yet huge and magnificent? That sincere feeling of “alive and genuine” when your significant other of 15 years pulls in the driveway at the end of the day, or you scoop your best beloved sister into your arms as she comes off the plane after being away at college for too too too fucking long, or you watch your son sleeping and ask yourself where dear god does the time go, or you raise your glass and toast your mother’s 83rd birthday and the fact that she has walked thru the fire and beat malignant melanoma and lived to tell about it over and over again, or even that amazing thing where you are walking your best four-legged friend at 10 pm and you tip your head back and think, I’m not sure if You are there, but thank You so much for every last badass motherfucking thing I am able to feel, or that feeling where you close the book “Rebecca” for the 13th time and you think Every sentence in that book was sofa king perfect I could cry. SHE WILL NEVER FEEL ANY OF THAT.

You know she won’t. She can’t. These things will never happen for her. So next time you feel something huge and real and insane, realize that Kim Kardashian can never have any of that. So honestly…you can’t really hate her.

The You’re All Feeling Too Good Now Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig and what a pessimist would call a dose of reality:

The answer, of course, is none. Prepare yourself for a vast, loveless wasteland devoid of passion and hope that stretches as far and wide as the eye can see. Or at least as far and wide as it could see if it wasn’t strained with bitter tears of hopelessness and defeat. I’m used to that kind of environment - I live in London, but you guys… Well, good luck.

The Try the Veal! Comment of the Week goes to Bert_the_Pajibian. His prize is a rimshot and a smattering of applause:

And a couple more!

Frida the 13th : the latest reincarnation of a storied Mexican painter is out for revenge!
One With the Wind : life is especially hard during the Civil War - for a man with extreme indigestion.
Honey, I Shrunk the Ids!: a psychologist has great success tempering his patients’ most primal instincts.

The You’ve All Just Become Part of It Comment of the Week goes to David Sorenson for being so fabulously meta, and for the restraint:

And this is an article about a trailer for a trailer! And if I share it on facebook, I’ll make a link to an article about a trailer for a trailer! And somebody else will share my link to an article about a trailer for a trailer making a link to a link about a trailer for a trailer!! And then the world will end, folding down upon the internet like a black hole. A hole so dark that not even porn can escape.

There’s a dirty joke in that last sentence, but I’m far too highbrow to make it.

The BOOM! Goes the Dynamite Comment of the Week goes to Jezzer for a delightfully vivid display of rancour:

Your posts read like a line of hygiene products lined up from “gentle douche” to “maximum douchiness.”

The I Look Forward to the Updated Disney Attraction Comment of the Week goes to TheOtherGreg who also considered the fact that Nixon is a known hair puller:

But in a knife fight, it’s all about reach. I’m going with Lincoln.

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Groundloop who is a notorious Elmo huffer:

Wow. Even after all these years, Guy Smiley still looks like a million bucks that’s been deep fried in liquid Jesus and covered in awesome sauce.

He probably bathes in the blood of Marvin Suggs Muppaphones.


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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.