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Kim Kardashian is Terrible, Part 2,547 (And 7 Celebrities Who Are Wonderful, In an Effort to Counterbalance Said Terrible)

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | September 11, 2012 | Comments ()


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So, yesterday, The Guardian ran what was actually an interesting deconstruction of what a Kardashian is. And, spoiler alert!, Kim said something stupid. But not just stupid. Like, oh dear god, you festerface stupid. When asked about her (fake, fake, fake-ity fake, from Faketown, Fake-ania) wedding, this is how Kim responded:

"We had done filming our season at that point, so we decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She's 18. And I was like, that's how I feel."

I'm going to re-paste that and embolden some words, in case you missed something.

"We had done filming our season at that point, so we decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She's 18. And I was like, that's how I feel."

Okay, just stop now. I don't care about whatever sentences or explanation occurred between "cancer" and "like, that's how I feel." Because, no. No. No, your stupid dipshit fake wedding was not like going through cancer. No.

Here's the thing: I do not believe that Kim Kardashian is a wicked, malicious person (that would be her mother). What I believe is that she is an empty vessel of pseudo-human flesh, devoid of any and all common sense or empathy, unable to muster the tiniest hint of understanding regarding human emotions, unless you count that one time she lost that earring and cried like it was the end of Sophie's Choice. Even if she is still forcefeeding us this ridiculous notion that the fake wedding was somehow un-fake, it's still bullshit, because this big huge media frenzy for which she was paid an exorbitant amount of money, gifts and attention (and, no, it does not matter that it wasn't good attention because no one in this family has any concept of differentiation in that realm) was in no way, shape or form anywhere near relatable to even the least of life's basic inconveniences, let alone motherfucking cancer. No. No.

I need a palate cleanser. Let's celebrate the good. Such as...

Tom Hanks photobombing this drunk kid.

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Bill Murray doing dishes at a random party in Scotland.

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Keanu Reeves making miracles.

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Emma Stone secretly dancing behind Tim McGraw.

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Paul Rudd, John Oliver and Sarah Vowell playing Scrabble for charity.

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Ryan Gosling reading passages from Fuck Yeah, Ryan Gosling.

Ron Perlman making wishes come true.

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Comments Are Welcome, Douches Are Not


  • ,

    As always, I blame O.J.

    I have had an actual cancer*, though one that was easily taken care of with a surgical procedure and a couple of mild doses of chemo, so even I wouldn't insult people who have endured the real deal by comparing my ordeal to theirs.

    Cancer is a motherfucker, KK. I wouldn't even wish it on you.

  • googergieger

    Who knew Brandy's little brother's penis could be responsible for so much hate and mediocre.

  • Alex0001

    Still debating if that Tom Hanks one is real.
    Also I wish they would've video taped that Scrabble game, I would watch the shit out of John Oliver, Sarah Vowell and Paul Rudd do most anything together.

  • snapnhiss

    I've seen the photos elsewhere, from what I understand, the kid is a fan that wanted a photo with Tom Hanks and then started 'acting' which Mr Hanks went along with. There are two or three in the series.

  • Finance_Nerd

    Has anyone started a Twitter feed to #And I was like, that’s how I feel? There's gotta be some great ways to mock this. I would start one, but I think I need to cool down or I may get sidetracked into making death threats to the vacuous, stupid bitch that started this whole thing which is counterproductive

  • Slash

    I do appreciate the awesome celebrities, though. They are a nice palate cleanser after contemplating the flotsam of "reality" TV.

  • $27019454

    I upvoted you not just for your succinct thought but for the use of the word "flotsam" which has always been a favorite. I'm also a fan of palate cleansing.

  • hippyherb

    My last job was in a newsagency . We sold stationary,
    newspapers, magazines etc. One day this teen boy and his friends came up to the
    counter to buy a dvd. I rang it up, then as I was about to put it in a bag, I looked
    at what he had bought. It was season 2 of the Kardashians. I was so horrified, I
    started laughing. I had previously asked my boss if I could bin them, as just
    handling them had dropped my IQ.

    Anyway, here I was laughing in shock and disbelief at this
    purchase. I asked the boy if he was buying this for someone else (no). I then proceeded
    to tell him how dangerous this crap was for his mental health.

    I recommended he go home and watch some Buffy, Angel or Firefly.
    Surprise, he had never heard of these shows. I then asked him if he wanted me
    to put it in a brown paper bag, so no one else could see what he had bought. He
    said yes.

    While this exchange had been going on, his friends were
    agreeing with everything I said to their friend. I realise that I may have come
    across a little unprofessional, and it was awful to mock a teenage boy about
    his watching preferences, but Jesus Christ, it was a Kardashian DVD. Someone
    had to open this kids eyes to the dangers of what he was doing.

    This tirade actually went on for quite a few minutes. I think I also mentioned something along the lines of, " if my kids brought this crap home I would punish them in some horrible way".

    I hope I made a difference in this kids life.

  • True_Blue

    Bravo! Here's a gold star for you!

  • Slash

    Shocked to hear that a person who "stars" in a "reality" show is oblivious to reality and thinks that the insignificant things that happen to her are comparable to having cancer.

    Though I've said shit about the Kardashians in the past, the truth is, the people who deserve the most contempt are the people who put them on TV and the wastes of human brain matter who watch them.

  • no one

    As much as I try to fight it, Ryan Gosling is winning me over.

  • Elfrieda
  • alwaysanswerb
  • Archie Leach

    If I came upon kim kunttrashian on the streets badly beaten and badly
    injured, I’d kick IT in the face several more times for good measure.

  • BendinIntheWind

    Dammit, Ron Perlman... gets me every time.

  • Brown

    "it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are"

    I'm pretty sure that's the point versus comparing her wedding to having cancer. Also, that's not Tim McGraw. It's like Dustin's misguided rants are infecting the rest of the staff.

  • $27019454

    I can't hate her. But then neither do I take any responsibility for the "creation of her" as MikeRooda asserts in his(?) post.

    But please may I go back to the point at which I cannot hate her and I am being as unironic and unsnarky and totally serious as I can. Let me 'splain, as my hot Peruvian hunk of husband would say:

    She has a lot of stuff and she has no money worries and she is (arguably) very beautiful and the world rolls out its red carpet for her and gives her free shit and flat screen tvs and bottles of big-deal champagne and she does not have to put up with fucked up bosses or unemployment or flat tires or stubborn stains or exorbitant school fees and all that. No. She has it sofa king easy. I'm sure she has a pet baby unicorn and an otter tucked away somewhere, and puppies on demand. I know this.

    But is there even the tiniest doubt in anyone's mind here in Pajibaland that she will ever or has ever felt that thing, that amazing thang that normal, balanced human beings feel when they have done something small and everyday and yet huge and magnificent? That sincere feeling of "alive and genuine" when your significant other of 15 years pulls in the driveway at the end of the day, or you scoop your best beloved sister into your arms as she comes off the plane after being away at college for too too too fucking long, or you watch your son sleeping and ask yourself where dear god does the time go, or you raise your glass and toast your mother's 83rd birthday and the fact that she has walked thru the fire and beat malignant melanoma and lived to tell about it over and over again, or even that amazing thing where you are walking your best four-legged friend at 10 pm and you tip your head back and think, I'm not sure if You are there, but thank You so much for every last badass motherfucking thing I am able to feel, or that feeling where you close the book "Rebecca" for the 13th time and you think Every sentence in that book was sofa king perfect I could cry. SHE WILL NEVER FEEL ANY OF THAT.

    You know she won't. She can't. These things will never happen for her. So next time you feel something huge and real and insane, realize that Kim Kardashian can never have any of that. So honestly...you can't really hate her.

  • BlackRabbit

    Yes but money. Money money money. I'd give up a lot to have her freedom from the everyday shit that makes all of that good stuff you mentioned seem wonderful. One great day out of 30 is nice, but that financial freedom would make it better.

    Don't give me any crap about how she's soooo terrible. There have always been pointless celebrities. Nothing new there. How many times did Liz Taylor get married? Betray the public's trust? Give me a break: if a dog bites you, don't feed it again. And if you hate her so much...don't write about her. Easy.

  • kirbyjay

    Elizabeth Taylor made this United States of America aware of AIDS, she started AMFar, she donated millions to charity, she helped many personal friends and family members and she God Damn lived life to the fullest so to compare her to someone who got pissed on and fucked on camera, and made a creer of it......Yes, ET had all the trappings of celebrity, the wealth, the homes, the jewels, the marriages and divorces, but she also had a soul and a conscience..
    I'm willing to bet that the K-trash do not give to charity and if they did, we would know it because it would be the tagline for the next show.
    "Kim gives a bum a quarter" tonight on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

  • *Ahem*

    Balls. Balls to that. There are people who've had just as much handed to them as she has and they manage to be perfectly adequate human beings. She chose her life. She could've gone to college. Could've simply lived a somewhat quiet life and gotten married with the kids and the dog and all those little moments of joy. It would've been easier for her than for us here in Pajibaland. There's no doubt there, but she could've done it.

    She chose to film her sex tape. She quite possibly chose to market it out. She signed on to the reality show and the spinoffs and the merchandising and the whole damn thing. She made the decision, and she keeps making the decision. She'll sell the wedding to Kanye and the spinoff about her inevitable pregnancy. She'll sell the baby photos and may even sell off the naming rights. She'll have another series about how "hard" it is to raise a child with her "difficult life." She will opt in to every single on of those things of her own free will.

    Now I don't hate her. She is what she is, and to hate her would be more of an investment of feeling than I care to make. I'm just not going to give her a pass on a buttload (hoho) of bad decisions because she was born with a silver spoon where her heart, brain, and soul should've been.

  • And if you must feel sorry for her, feel sorry for her because we will never believe that she is capable of true happiness or honest emotion. She may have feelings for Kanye, or if not him the next guy, but nobody will ever believe it. She's pissed on the public trust in much the same way that Ray J pissed on her. She's always going to be the fame whore with the big ass and a sex tape looking for attention and nobody will ever believe otherwise.

  • MikeRoorda

    I wish the triumph of my love could overcome the gaping maw of my hatred but, alas, it cannot. Apparently I lean dark-side. The good new is, I've started new meds, and I should start to appreciate the bunnies and rainbows and puppies again soon.

  • See, comments like this are why I love Pajiba so much... Thank you.

  • lowercase_ryan

    MOAR: I started writing before I finished reading. You are wrong, I can, do and will hate her. I do not pity her for her lack of a meaningful existence. I do hate her because the role she jumps at the chance to play, in our society, is detrimental to our society at large. Who better summarizes the phenomenon in which every American thinks they are a celebrity waiting to happen? Just because she isn't to blame in no way means she's not guilty.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Well said, and no, she will not experience any of that. She will also never care because she will never be aware of any of that. Do I blame her for the problems of society? How could I? She's the result, not the cause. Do I begrudge her her wealth and lifestyle? If I'm being honest, hell yes. But more than anything I hate her because of all she represents. She is a God in a world that idolizes idiocy. I will never ever ever be ok with that. The world would have been a better place if she had never touched it.

  • Miley's Virus

    So, Idiot God? I kind of like that term.
    Queen of the idiots, Master of Simpletons, Diety of the Dim, Supreme Lord of the Bozos

  • Guest

    Fairly sure you can find it used by Lovecraft. Over and over, to boot.

  • noodlestein

    Oh, Deity of the Dim - that's friggin' PRICELESS, and I'm adopting it into my lexicon immediately!

  • VonnegutSlut

    All my upvotes to you

  • Kala

    Damn, klingonfree. Damn.

  • Whenever I need a pick-me-up (geek style, of course!), I always re-read this blog post about a tiny avenger admirer getting to meet his hero AND Loki. It makes me smile every time. http://www.g33kwatch.com/movie...

    It's almost enough to make me forget reality television exists. I also refuse to accept any responsibility for the Kardashians. I've never seen their show and I don't intend to start now. I believe Ryan Seacrest is to blame for that infestation of airwaves....

  • snapnhiss

    Thanks for posting that, it definitely counteracts the the grims from the OP. That little boy has seen more stars in one day than I've seen my entire 54 years.

  • Maguita NYC

    A lot of producers start new shows. Every year hundreds of projects are green-lit. The problem is viewership. The problem is the people.

    More "people" watch the Kardashians than they do Mad Men. Ryan Seacrest gave air time to that family, but we are to blame for making it worth their while.

    As every season goes by, here I am, wishing again that family would fade into oblivious nothingness.

  • kirbyjay

    No no no no NO. I am not to blame and I will not accept blame. I don't watch them, I don't buy their crap, I can barely stand their whiney voices on the commercials for the show and immediately mute the box. I will only read blogs about them because I love the comments. Let's face it, there are a whole lot of idiots in this country who will watch any reality show thrown their way but please don't lump all of us in with them.

  • Oh, I know, Maguita. :) I'm so torn about E! I'm addicted to The Soup, and how can you have that show without these others? On the other hand, I really don't want to support any of these people in any way, yet watching The Soup is a tacit agreement that they need to exist. Sigh. In the end, I'm as guilty as Ryan. double sigh.

    (btw, love our little conversations.)

  • VonnegutSlut

    While I firmly believe anything Kardashian-related is--to quote Rowles--"batshit wrapped in bananas," I have to admit that all I REALLY took away from this is the amazing Doctor Who by way of Coupling reference.
    Because I'm convinced Kim is "Mrs. Thick, thick, thickity thick-face from Thicktown, Thickania...and so's her mom."

  • Do you even know how I excited I was when I first saw Girl in the Fireplace and heard that? It was like a magical Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of a moment, combining the two Moffatty things I love.

  • VonnegutSlut

    I felt the same way...in fact, I'm surprised the universe didn't collapse in on itself in some weird, M.C. Escher, BACK TO THE FUTURE time loop of awesomeness.
    P.S. I think I shall entitle my memoirs, "Moffatty Things I Love." Sub-P.S. Has a rapper ever called himself/herself MC Escher and if not, WHY HAVEN'T THEY?

  • MikeRoorda

    Let's be perfectly clear. The Kardashians and their ilk are completely our own fault.

    I wake up at night sobbing with the knowledge that they breathe the same air I that I do, and I might have accidentally gotten some of it in me. If I caught whatever the pig on Contagion had I would move heaven and hell to make sure my dying act was sneezing on her as she left her house in the morning. I want to start a Kickstarter for the reality show that casts all of these idiots as crew on a spaceship and then drives aimlessly into the black void. If we can all agree to let China host it, I propose we Hunger Game the shit out of the entire family, The Jersey Shore crowd and Honey Boo Boo's mom.

    God help me, I would watch that show. I would watch that show SO HARD. And that, in a nutshell, is the problem.

  • Jezzer

    I have never watched a single thing with a Kardashian, a guidette, a tiaraed toddler, or a "real housewife" in it. My conscience is clean, thank you.

  • Slash

    Sure, I'd kick in for a rocket full of "reality" stars (and the network executives responsible for unleashing them upon an unsuspecting public) to be launched into the sun. I'd watch THAT. No Hunger Games shit, though. They don't deserve that much effort.

  • AngelenoEwok

    I want in on that Scrabble game. They'd all clean my clock, but I don't care.

  • That header picture looks like she's going "HUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRR" while smelling her nastyass arm pit.

    Fuck, I hate her. I hate her so much it makes me feel bad. Not for her, just, you know, generally.

    Oooh ooh! Remember Christian Bale visiting people in Aurora, and then spending the day with that kid who wanted to meet Batman! Aawww! Batman!

  • BWeaves

    I was watching CSPAN about 100 years ago, and Putin was taking questions from journalists. So the journalist would ask a question in English. It would be translated into Russian. Putin would reply in Russian, and it would be translated back into English for the audience. However, the reply had NOTHING to do with the question. It was like (and I'm making this up, but it was something like this):

    Journalist: "Don't you think the jailed singers are being given too harsh a sentence?"

    Putin: "I'm glad you asked that question. Freedom of speech is something that was rare in the USSR in the past. However, economic downturns have affected the economy, such that the interest rate of radishes has risen dramatically during the last framistat flurgwhistle. . . blah blah blah."

    All I'm saying, is that Kartrashian has learned from a communist pro.

  • DenG

    I think ol' Kim K believes her success in being seen and heard (ad nauseum) has well provided her vocation, and properly stoked her ego. Although I heartily dislike her, she's playing the game.

  • Guest

    I see you all that and raise you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

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