Eloquent Eloquence: Valhallaback Girl Edition
Eloquent Eloquence, Valhallaback Girl Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion.
Edition Runners Up: “Jonathan! Bring Me My Greenlight”, Nasal Viagra, Snipers With Paintballs, Sanity Elixir, Dangle Waltz
It seems Adam Sandler movies do serve a function. Is this a great comment thread or the greatest comment thread?
Daniel Carlson, ladies and gentlemen.
• The Because Pet Rats Are Amazeballs. No. You Don’t Even Know Comment of the Week goes to PDamian (with a set up from klingonfree) for some witty repartee:
klingonfree: …We had one that was cage trained and had the run of the house. She’d JUMP up onto the bed and cuddle with me while I was drinking wine and reading. Licked wine off my fingers. Amazing creatures. Best pets I’ve ever had.
PDamian: In fairness, I jump on beds and cuddle with guys who have wine, too. I suspect that’s true of many.
klingonfree: Excellent point. But are you cage trained? Also, I’m a girl.
PDamian: You mean, like UFC cage-trained? No, but I’ve been in some epic pillow fights. And I might cuddle with a girl, if the girl were Judi Dench and she had a really good Riesling.
• The Looks Fantastic. And It’s Always Nice to See Chiwetel Ejiofor Comment of the Week goes to amandafg for saying what all of the Doctor Who fans are thinking, with a stripety scarf to Pat for getting dragged into this :
If by “nice” you mean “look, there’s the man who should be playing the Doctor and really all lead characters in the tv shows I like, because he’s so unfairly handsome and talented and looks more attractive in drag than most men I’ve seen and can he just be in everything please”, then sure, it’s nice.
• The This Comment Is Actually Invalid Comment of the Week goes to Cindy Davis for saying what all the staff writers are thinking:
We have to get a timer to record how fast it takes a Pajiban to complain about a missing list item.
• The What Happens When a Bell Rings? Comment of the Week goes to Berry for saying what a lot of the readership is thinking:
Every time someone uses the term “Fake Nerd/Geek Girl”, and angel rips out its own wings in rage.
• The I Feast on Your Comment and Your Combination Of Words and I Am Sated
Comment of the Week Goes To Don Juan De Markup for a superlative Dennis Miller impression, plus a H/T to zeke_the_pig for the intro:
Now that Oswalt has dispatched that gas bag Slate like Toshiro Mifune on the Hindenburg he needs to turn his katana like wit on HuffPo and disembowel and quarter them as well like the ronin that he is.
• The Would a Bowl of Dicks Be Considered an Appetizer Or an Entree? Comment of the Week goes to Kristopher R for menu clarification. F’mal DeHyde teed it up for him/her:
Entree. A cup of dicks would be the appetizer.
• The Look Who’s Back! Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone for questioning whether the Dude still abides:
Jeff Bridges IS Colonel Harland Sanders: Monster Slayer and this time he ain’t turning chicken.
• The You Were ON FIRE This Week Comment of the Week goes to NateMan whose prize is some Nasal Viagra and the Michelle Rodriguez Death Reel :
You may, as long as it’s understood she won’t live thru the movie. She’s the vaginaed Sean Bean.
• The Did I Mention the ON FIRE Part? Comment of the Week goes to NateMan. You gotta respect a person who cops to his post-posting edits:
I want Syfy to do an Apocalypse movie starring failed starlets as the 4 Horsemen.
Tara Reid is Famine, obviously.
Lindsay Lohan? Gotta be Pestilence.
Amanda Bynes as War. She’s got a particular hate-on for cops in real life that I think would translate well to film. Plus her Twitter wars are the stuff of legend. EDIT: I’d also accept Natasha Lyonne in this role.
And Death? Death, the pale rider with dead eyes? That, my friends, can be none other than Paris Hilton.
Tag-line: ‘The end of the world has never looked more beautiful.’
LAST EDIT: Title: Apocalypse Has-Been.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Artemis for some spectacular long form sarcasm. Your reward is after the comment:
Upon further reflection, I have decided to chanel my rage into something productive. I present to you my pitch for next year’s summer blockbuster, Ugh, I’m So Sick Of This (the title works on two levels!):
Rebel Wilson stars as a high-powered entertainment lawyer who doesn’t appear to have showered in the past year and has recently married Channing Tatum. He is a former model turned house husband who now designs male jewelry, scrubs the kitchen every morning, and never wears a shirt. She is already finding marriage stifling, finds herself checking out all the hot young things who work as paralegals in her downtown law firm, and worries that she’ll never be satisfied with just one man forever. She’s a little too young to believably play Channing’s wife, so they use prosthetics and lighting to age her up.
Tori Spelling plays her older sister, a wildly successful (we never see evidence of how this could be the case) PR executive who married her college boyfriend, Chris Hemsworth (we got lucky, and the actors ages work out perfectly here). He spends his days at home with the kids; he also shares Channing’s aversion to shirts. She spends the entirety of the movie wearing baggy jeans and unwashed t-shirts, with her hair in a messy ponytail. Her dialogue consists primarily of fart sounds. She also enjoys making animal noises at attractive men she passes on the street.
Rebel’s best friend is Kristen Wiig, who spends the movie doing her best impression of Kristen Stewart. She’s so blindingly hot and charistmatic that she gets all the d she wants from any guy, and decides to take Rebel and Tori on a girl’s trip so they can bond about how awesome they all are, how much their menfolk are dragging them down, and gawk at guy’s packages. Kristen forgot where the hair and makeup trailer was on set, but it’s cool, every guy in the universe would obviously want to bang her whether or not she’s coated in a sheen of perspiration and Axe body spray in every scene.
The girls bond and sometimes shit their pants and also eat a lot of cheetohs. Tori almost cheats on her husband when Tyson Beckford repeatedly throws himself at her, but ultimately decides that Chris Hemsworth is a pretty decent guy, even if he doesn’t really turn her crank anymore. Rebel does cheat on Channing by kissing Michael B. Jordan, but heroically decides to not sleep with him and goes home feeling pretty virtuous. Kristen Wiig learns the true meaning of love and gives up her horndog ways when she falls for the ugly guy who became infatuated with her while holding her hair back when she vomited (still casting, possibles include: Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper).
So Adam, when you finish reading this (I know you read slowly), give me a call. I’m thinking 8 figures for the scripts, plus points on the back end.
Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)
Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)
Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his
Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)