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Eloquent Eloquence: Valhallaback Girl Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | July 19, 2013 | Comments ()


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Eloquent Eloquence, Valhallaback Girl Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion.

Edition Runners Up: “Jonathan! Bring Me My Greenlight”, Nasal Viagra, Snipers With Paintballs, Sanity Elixir, Dangle Waltz

It seems Adam Sandler movies do serve a function. Is this a great comment thread or the greatest comment thread?

Daniel Carlson, ladies and gentlemen.

The Because Pet Rats Are Amazeballs. No. You Don’t Even Know Comment of the Week goes to PDamian (with a set up from klingonfree) for some witty repartee:

klingonfree: …We had one that was cage trained and had the run of the house. She’d JUMP up onto the bed and cuddle with me while I was drinking wine and reading. Licked wine off my fingers. Amazing creatures. Best pets I’ve ever had.

PDamian: In fairness, I jump on beds and cuddle with guys who have wine, too. I suspect that’s true of many.

klingonfree: Excellent point. But are you cage trained? Also, I’m a girl.

PDamian: You mean, like UFC cage-trained? No, but I’ve been in some epic pillow fights. And I might cuddle with a girl, if the girl were Judi Dench and she had a really good Riesling.

The Looks Fantastic. And It’s Always Nice to See Chiwetel Ejiofor Comment of the Week goes to amandafg for saying what all of the Doctor Who fans are thinking, with a stripety scarf to Pat for getting dragged into this :

If by “nice” you mean “look, there’s the man who should be playing the Doctor and really all lead characters in the tv shows I like, because he’s so unfairly handsome and talented and looks more attractive in drag than most men I’ve seen and can he just be in everything please”, then sure, it’s nice.

The This Comment Is Actually Invalid Comment of the Week goes to Cindy Davis for saying what all the staff writers are thinking:

We have to get a timer to record how fast it takes a Pajiban to complain about a missing list item.

The What Happens When a Bell Rings? Comment of the Week goes to Berry for saying what a lot of the readership is thinking:

Every time someone uses the term “Fake Nerd/Geek Girl”, and angel rips out its own wings in rage.

The I Feast on Your Comment and Your Combination Of Words and I Am Sated
Comment of the Week
Goes To Don Juan De Markup for a superlative Dennis Miller impression, plus a H/T to zeke_the_pig for the intro:

Now that Oswalt has dispatched that gas bag Slate like Toshiro Mifune on the Hindenburg he needs to turn his katana like wit on HuffPo and disembowel and quarter them as well like the ronin that he is.

The Would a Bowl of Dicks Be Considered an Appetizer Or an Entree? Comment of the Week goes to Kristopher R for menu clarification. F’mal DeHyde teed it up for him/her:

Entree. A cup of dicks would be the appetizer.

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The Look Who’s Back! Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone for questioning whether the Dude still abides:

Jeff Bridges IS Colonel Harland Sanders: Monster Slayer and this time he ain’t turning chicken.

The You Were ON FIRE This Week Comment of the Week goes to NateMan whose prize is some Nasal Viagra and the Michelle Rodriguez Death Reel :

You may, as long as it’s understood she won’t live thru the movie. She’s the vaginaed Sean Bean.

The Did I Mention the ON FIRE Part? Comment of the Week goes to NateMan. You gotta respect a person who cops to his post-posting edits:

I want Syfy to do an Apocalypse movie starring failed starlets as the 4 Horsemen.

Tara Reid is Famine, obviously.

Lindsay Lohan? Gotta be Pestilence.

Amanda Bynes as War. She’s got a particular hate-on for cops in real life that I think would translate well to film. Plus her Twitter wars are the stuff of legend. EDIT: I’d also accept Natasha Lyonne in this role.

And Death? Death, the pale rider with dead eyes? That, my friends, can be none other than Paris Hilton.

Tag-line: ‘The end of the world has never looked more beautiful.’
LAST EDIT: Title: Apocalypse Has-Been.

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Artemis for some spectacular long form sarcasm. Your reward is after the comment:

Upon further reflection, I have decided to chanel my rage into something productive. I present to you my pitch for next year’s summer blockbuster, Ugh, I’m So Sick Of This (the title works on two levels!):

Rebel Wilson stars as a high-powered entertainment lawyer who doesn’t appear to have showered in the past year and has recently married Channing Tatum. He is a former model turned house husband who now designs male jewelry, scrubs the kitchen every morning, and never wears a shirt. She is already finding marriage stifling, finds herself checking out all the hot young things who work as paralegals in her downtown law firm, and worries that she’ll never be satisfied with just one man forever. She’s a little too young to believably play Channing’s wife, so they use prosthetics and lighting to age her up.

Tori Spelling plays her older sister, a wildly successful (we never see evidence of how this could be the case) PR executive who married her college boyfriend, Chris Hemsworth (we got lucky, and the actors ages work out perfectly here). He spends his days at home with the kids; he also shares Channing’s aversion to shirts. She spends the entirety of the movie wearing baggy jeans and unwashed t-shirts, with her hair in a messy ponytail. Her dialogue consists primarily of fart sounds. She also enjoys making animal noises at attractive men she passes on the street.

Rebel’s best friend is Kristen Wiig, who spends the movie doing her best impression of Kristen Stewart. She’s so blindingly hot and charistmatic that she gets all the d she wants from any guy, and decides to take Rebel and Tori on a girl’s trip so they can bond about how awesome they all are, how much their menfolk are dragging them down, and gawk at guy’s packages. Kristen forgot where the hair and makeup trailer was on set, but it’s cool, every guy in the universe would obviously want to bang her whether or not she’s coated in a sheen of perspiration and Axe body spray in every scene.

The girls bond and sometimes shit their pants and also eat a lot of cheetohs. Tori almost cheats on her husband when Tyson Beckford repeatedly throws himself at her, but ultimately decides that Chris Hemsworth is a pretty decent guy, even if he doesn’t really turn her crank anymore. Rebel does cheat on Channing by kissing Michael B. Jordan, but heroically decides to not sleep with him and goes home feeling pretty virtuous. Kristen Wiig learns the true meaning of love and gives up her horndog ways when she falls for the ugly guy who became infatuated with her while holding her hair back when she vomited (still casting, possibles include: Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper).

So Adam, when you finish reading this (I know you read slowly), give me a call. I’m thinking 8 figures for the scripts, plus points on the back end.

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Mike

    Reid. Lohan. Bynes. Hilton. They're...The Four Harlots of the Apocalypse! Brought to you by The Asylum...

  • emmalita

    Although, it gives harlots a bad name.

  • Artemis

    Aw, thanks Mrs. J. I've had a craptastic week at work and this made me happy as I head home to continue working.

  • Valhallaback Girl

    Thanks for the nod, lads. Maybe call the movie Valhallaback Girls.

    I'll take merch rights.

    You're welcome.

  • emmalita

    (Playing Batman theme) NanaNanaNaNA NateMan! I have to contest your possible inclusion of Natasha Lyonne in your 4 horse-creatures of the Apocalypse. She's killing it in Orange is the New Black. But your list is truly one of the highlights of the week.

  • Berry

    I feel faint. There was an actual gasp just now, when I realized that this "Berry" person with the rage was actually meeee.

  • Berry

    On the other hand, I wrote AND when I should have written AN. That's so embarrassing, and now even more people will see that. My emotions are so all over the place right now.

  • Mrs. Julien

    That happens to everyone and, as you are clearly one of Nature's Pajibans, of course it is driving you crazy, but for the rest of us it's just a blip in the midst of magnificence. We give latitude for typos to everyone but ourselves. (Unless it's a flame war and then there is NO MERCY!)

    Also: I've edited this, like, three times now. Creating a Disqus account is a double-edged sword for Nature's Pajibans.

  • Berry

    Oh, do not tempt me with your Disqus accounts, even indirectly (how did you know I love editing and double-edged swords??). I've lurked here for years and years, and sometimes said something on the comment diversions or whatever (under different names, because it's just so hard to find one you really like). But I have a hunch that a Disqus account would be an end to all my other hobbies.

  • kinoumenthe

    Disqus accounts are the bes… I mean the WORST ! No sooner had I registered that I broke my several years long streak of lurking.

    … and not just on Pajiba (!). Soon I'll be roaming the web, spawning flame wars and stuff. *sigh*

  • Mrs. Julien

    Huzzah! And look! emmalita already gave you an upvote. Next thing you know, you're gonna find $5 and buy us all ice cream!

  • kinoumenthe

    Yeah, I noticed you bunch seem to do that a lot, and…

    …What ?… no way ! Is that… ?… Wait a sec, I'm not from these parts so I have to look closer since I've never seen that currency before…

    Yep.
    It appears to be a genuine fiver.
    Where do you buy ice-cream in here ?

  • llp

    ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!

  • emmalita

    I upvoted you before I saw Mrs. Julien's comment.

  • Mrs. Julien

    a. I understand about the name. I was here for a while and got traction as a commenter during my "named after a cartoon lemur" phase and now I'm stuck.

    b. I'm happy you're delurking. If you need any help, try responding to emmalita. She's extremely nice and positively shameless with upvotes. You'll get responses and approbation.

  • emmalita

    I feel like I should downvote you for that just to be perverse, but my nature won't let meeeeeeeee.

  • $27019454

    Every now and again when I make this list (even obliquely, as above), I squeeeeeee. Even when I'm at work. Like today.

    Sorry, freaked-out intern; It's a Friday thing.

  • PDamian

    I, for one, feel deeply honored. And I herewith let it be known that I would gladly cuddle with klingonfree if she were to provide the Boone's Strawberry Farm, provided it's a nicely aged one. Last week will do.

  • llp

    Well, actually, that's a pretty great list, but you forgot to include....

  • Mrs. Julien

    What? I'm dying to know!

  • llp

    Did you set the timer? Did I win the race? What is my prize?

    It's a grease fire in my kitchen, isn't it? That's the prize. Sigh.

  • Maguita NYC

    Brilliant!

    Oh look, 5$! Forget the grease fire in your kitchen and let's go for ice cream. I'm buying.

  • Mrs. Julien

    @zeke_the_pig's, "I ... feel grease fire in your kitchen" is one of my favourite Pajiba things in the history of ever.

  • llp

    That whole back and forth was really, really good. I would nominate that for EE of the year.

  • emmalita

    Second!

  • llp

    You guys are my favourite and my best.

  • llp

    That PDamian and klingonfree exchange was my favourite of the week.

  • John G.

    Tara Reid is Famine
    Lindsay Lohan is Pestilence.
    Amanda Bynes is War.
    Paris Hilton is Death.

    This is Brilliant. We just need a title. Something that evokes the genius of Sharknado

  • Maguita NYC

    Congrats to all Eloquents, it truly was an amazing week indeed. And muhmmm that hairy chest.

  • emmalita

    I think she put that there for you (and herself).

  • Mrs. Julien

    All me.

  • emmalita

    Well you have to share now.

  • Maguita NYC

    L.O.V.E had it right. As with Salma Hayek, Mark Ruffalo's chest should be certified by UNESCO as a World Heritage Site based on its "special cultural and physical significance".

    Therefore, any alterations or modifications are strictly prohibited without Committee approval. And by complete happenstance, this particular sub-committee is made up by none other than the new UCURC: United Coven for Uninterrupted Ruffalo Coitus.

    Admire and sigh sisters, admire and sigh our very own national treasure.

  • Maguita NYC

    In all fairness, a Ruffalo chest should be deemed National Conjunct: Open and available to all self-respecting lusties with good taste.

  • emmalita

    This and Cap Ass.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I like this more, actually.

    Edit: DAMN IT! That's supposed to be a gif!

  • $27019454

    I NEED THE GIF. POST THE GIF!

  • PerpetualIntern

    Even if it's not moving, I know that gif and I CONCUR. And now I'm thinking about the actual gif.

    ....I'll be in my bunk.

  • emmalita

    As do I. But I was thinking of the many Cap Ass fans.

    Wait, is that Richard Madden?

  • I'll never get tired of that nickname

  • emmalita

    It was a good week.

  • Didn't even have to use my AK. Never mind Kim and her beep

  • This was an incredible week and it made me proud to be a Pajiba Eloquent.

    Artemis blew the fucking doors off.

    NateMan warmed the cockles of my cold, hungover heart.

    And generally just everyone was on fire.

    But Don Juan De Markup? That comment is possibly my favourite ever. Don, you had my attention. Now you have my admiration. And jealousy. And a package of shredded Adam Sandler scripts being delivered to your door. One whiff of those and your ascendancy here will be stopped nice and quick.

  • NateMan

    I don't know how I missed that pitch from Artemis. Sheer genius.

  • emmalita

    Sometimes my brain is so stupid. Here's Robot Chicken's version of your post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • Maguita NYC

    Congrats NVA! Correction, an ELOQUENT NVA. And don't you forget it.

  • NateMan

    I hate you. And love you. It's my first marriage all over again.

  • Maguita NYC

    Tell me when you get to "I love you/hate you with a PASSION", a sure sign it's time to ask for divorce. And take everything tornado style.

    Congrats again Nate, quite the eloquent this week.

  • NateMan

    Thank you, thank you. I quite literally could not have done it without you and your lustiness for MR.

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