web
counter

the walking dead / snl / mindhole blowers / netflix / celebrity facts / marvel / liveblogging the 90s


25 Things I Saw While Watching Grown Ups 2 That I Will Never Be Able to Unsee

By Dustin Rowles | Film Reviews | July 12, 2013 | Comments ()


gu2.jpg

There is not a single redeeming moment during Grown Ups 2. There is not a single laugh to be had. There is only the pain of knowing that each scene will unfortunately be followed by another scene, and each subsequent scene will force you to confront the decisions you made in your life that led you to this place, to a theater with far too many people in it, watching a poorly improvised pastiche of sketches — many of them abandoned due to indifference — featuring actors who simply do not care. Adam Sandler is clearly working under the belief that, if he puts his name on the poster and surrounds himself with enough familiar faces, people will flock to theaters without any concern whatsoever for what is actually on the screen.

There is nothing salvageable in Grown Ups 2. It is a bowl of dicks crammed into a bag of assholes trapped inside of a black hole of stupidity. It is the only movie I have ever seen that made me wish I were watching Movie 43 instead.

If you choose, however, to see Grown Ups 2, these are the images that you will be forced to endure.

1. In the opening scene, a frightened elk inside of Adam Sandler’s bedroom urinates about six gallons of piss all over Sandler’s face.

2. In the extended sequence, the elk interrupts Adam Sandler’s son in the shower masturbating, and urinates all over him, as well.

3. David Spade’s character gets inside of a Monster Truck-sized
tire, and during a six or seven minute scene during which I aged three years, the tire rolls down a hill, destroying everything in its path until it bounces off of Shaquille O’Neal and falls quietly on its side, at which point, Spade projectile vomits 15 feet across the road and onto a nearby police officer.

4. The toddler son of Maya Rudolph and Chris Rock craps his diaper and affords his mother an excited poop dance, as though he has just scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl.

5. After the blitzed-out bus driver played by Nick Swardson passes out and Adam Sandler takes over bus driving duties, the school children stick Cheetos in Swardson’s nostrils. He pulls them out and eats them.

6. During an extended product placement to K-Mart, Nick Swardson strips to his boxers, takes a nap in one of their demo beds, and when he wakes up, he walks over and takes a dump in a demo toilet. During this entire time, Swardson’s drug-fueled split personalities yell at each other.

7. Kevin James does a combination sneeze/burp/fart four times during the movie. David Spade does it once, and Adam Sandler does it once right before he has sex with his wife, Salma Hayek. This is what passes for a running gag.

8. Shaquille O’Neal dances. Shamefully. More than once. The sneeze/burp/fart combinations are less unpleasant.

9. There’s a running gag involving Tim Meadows’ family, all of whom have Ronald McDonald baldness, and all of whom attempt to introduce a “WHUUUUUUUT” catch phrase. It is pathetically unsuccessful. The Meadows’ spawn is also some kind of rapping Urkel.

10. During a gym class, Dan Patrick — in short shorts — climbs a rope in such a way that the audience is given a close-up look at his testicle brain. It’s one of several times during the movie we are given close-ups of men in short shorts and the outline of their testicles.

11. The husbands all anxiously attend a little girls’ ballet recital so as to gawk at the cleavage of the ballet instructor, in front of their wives, who are oh-so-appropriately understanding and even encouraging.

12. Jon Lovitz plays a perverted janitor, who arrives at a yoga class early to lead the women in simulated sex acts, while he gazes upon them lasciviously. Likewise, he gets off on the ballet instructor. The wives in the yoga class, meanwhile, slobber all over the yoga instructor (Oliver Hudson), and at one point, Maya Rudolph asks if she can “stick my tongue all the way down your throat.”

13. There’s a running joke about a musclebound woman who looks like Hulk Hogan. Mya Rudolph suggests that her G-string is actually a jock strap, and makes several insinuations that she has a penis. Maya Rudolph is married to fucking Paul Thomas Anderson in real life. She was in Away We Go. How is it that she allowed herself to make bad jokes of a homophobic nature?

14. That same woman is David Spade’s girlfriend. At one point, he makes out with her bicep. There is extended tongue action. WITH HER BICEP.

15. The four leads are forced to cliff dive naked. Adam Sandler belly flops on his testicles.

1373303816_tumblr_moal03Z1S61squ4pto1_500.gif

A naked Kevin James, leaping from the cliff, lands testicle first on David Spade’s head. Spade makes some kind of joke about being trapped briefly inside of his asshole, which to be honest, is a better place to be that inside a theater screening Grown Ups 2.

16. A blonde Milo Ventimiglia and Taylor Lautner play the villainous frat boys. They engage in extended handshakes, make racial and homophobic jokes, and deliver maybe the worst dialogue ever written for a major studio film, including at one point calling the townspeople “fart heads.” FART HEADS.

17. There is a scene that involves Colin Quinn attempting to fix a soft-serve ice cream dispenser, in which it appears the chocolate ice cream squirts out from his ass. This scene is at least three minutes too long.

18. Nick Swardson reveals a urine stain on a pair of briefs he is wearing. He claims that it is not his.

19. Nick Swardson, in a moment in which he reveals that he’s gay, attempts to make out with Oliver Hudson (who I didn’t realize was Kate’s brother) and, with his eyes closed, ends up in a prolonged make-out sesh with a Great Dane with a mohawk.

20. Steve Buscemi, who has FIVE Emmy nominations, is reduced to dressing up as Flavor Flave at an ’80s party and delivering a cringeworthy, “Yeeeeaaaah Boooy.” I wanted to cry.

21. In an effort to show her husband, Kevin James, that she’s OK with him gawking at women, Maria Bello takes him to a car wash run by high school girls in bikinis. However, in a last minute switch, a group of men — basically the entire existing and past male cast members of “SNL” and the Lonely Island still under the age of 35 — f*ck the car to Mario Bello’s delight. Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” plays during the sequence. Taran Killam makes out with the windshield.

oMccBiV.gif

tumblr_mkpase3esl1rc0awho2_500.gif

22. Peter Dante — one of the Sandler regulars — gives Shaquille O’Neal a car wash and insists upon getting the sponge “right up in there.”

23. Richie Minervini, another Sandler regular whose character name is “Principal Tardio,” is overweight, wears belly-
exposing shirts, and at one point, pulls a Fruit Loop out of his navel and eats it.

24. During a fight sequence at the end of a movie, one of the frat guys is basically suffocated by a guy’s balls.

25. The elk from the beginning of the movie arrives again at the end and essentially gnaws at Taylor Lautner’s testicles through his jeans. That is the film’s climactic moment.

Grown-Ups-2.jpg

(Image via FilmDrunk)







Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.


Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • ouch. i remember the first grown ups fondly. it was an all star cast that didn't oversell the stars. It was a Kevin James movie that wasn't entirely composed of "look how fat Kevin James is" jokes there were some but not all and that's all I ask. I remember it as a movie whose outside was what you'd expect but at it had a heard of unexpected sincerity. Yeah Sandler's wife is way too hot for him and Schnider does "gross" things but over all I remember being pleasantly surprised by Grown Ups.

    So while I'm not surprised that Grown Ups 2 is terrible if it is. I am shocked at how much everyone expected it. If they made a sequel to Attack the Block or District 9 I wouldn't expect it to be as good but I for sure would be excited until I saw it based ont he first movie.

    It seems to me like people aren't giving GU2 it's shot to be good.

    I say "aren't" but it's been out for a while I should say "weren't"

  • Anthony

    These are the kind of reviews that got me hooked on Pajiba about 4 years ago, more please.

  • Occupy Adam Sandler's House

    This is the movie that made more money than Pacific Rim..?

    Fuck you, America..

  • GDI

    I was watching the music video for Forced Gender Reassignment moments before (definitely NSFW, nor for the squeamish) by Cattle Decap (I viewed it due to morbid curiosity).
    I must say, I felt more nauseated and disgusted by mere descriptions of this putrid mess of a "film" than something that was quite literally torture porn/revenge fantasy.

  • Commander Jim

    Dear god that sounds like the worst movie ever.

  • eatmyshorts1

    Its an Adam Sandler comedy, fart jokes and adolescent humor is to be expected. Adam Sandler can do no wrong. Sorry its not your dry, highbrow humor you love so much hahahaha

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Take Spade, Swardson, and James. Hell, you can even take Rock, but stay the hell away from Maya Rudolph and The Lonely Island, Sandler!

  • Scorptilicus

    It's at 7% now. Which means someone, somewhere gave it a positive review. EW gave it a B. I don't even know what's right anymore.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    You don't know what's right anymore? Generally not EW.

  • Brinley

    Stop being such liberal movie snobs. It's a comedy. It's not meant to be PC. Stop the liberal over-analysing.

  • Dr_Bathroom_MD

    "Stop liberally liberalizing the liberal liberal you liberals."

    Dude shut up.

  • psychicreporter

    What is the "right" way to review a bad movie?

    Are you a "movie snob" if you don't like every movie that exists?

    Do conservatives like every new release to hit the theaters?

  • not conservatives but movie conservatives. They're even worse and i hear they eat your cookies.

  • Nicholas

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v... The only worthy thing to come out of the Grown Up franchise.

  • For a movie populated by and directed at the Hardcore Macho Men contingent, this movie sure seems to focus a lot on testicles.

  • stella

    Steve Buscemi! Maya Rudolph! James Spader! Selma Hayak! You get away from that movie right now!

  • John W

    #1 You saw Grow ups 2. Nuff said.

  • ,

    Sweet Jesus, have mercy, kill me now.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Thank God this is one of your joke reviews, Dustin, because this type of "humor" couldn't possibly come out of Hollywood, amirite?

    Wait, what?

  • Jonah

    Great review, I even guffawed, thank you!

  • John G.

    Is Adam Sandler secretly living the story of Brewster's Millions? Only in this version he has to make the worst movies conceivable in order to inherit billions? Hey, maybe he'll remake Brewster's millions next.

  • Darlene

    My daughter is nine and 1/2 and is going into 4th grade. She has a friend in her grade whose parents got advance screening passes to see this movie and she and her 6th grade brother saw it with their parents. The friend brought this up in the car a few days ago and I was mentally clucking my tongue then, but to read your post and know what she actually saw is causing me some heartache for this poor little girl whose parents didn't even place value on letting their daughter exit ELEMENTARY SCHOOL without having seen a male masturbate and be urinated on upon the big screen.

  • Jim

    Wow, it's even more full of bits of corn and peanuts than I thought possible.

  • Wigamer

    From the review, it appears that Chris Rock came out relatively unscathed. Was that contractual or what, I wonder.

  • Theron

    It's too late, his involvement already is enough to show how far he's fallen in his career. Like he's actually proud or passionate about this project *eye roll*

  • e jerry powell

    I mean, seriously.

    What kind of shit does Adam Sandler have on Chris Rock that Rock keeps doing these things?

    I mean, it's not like Chris Rock is hurting for other things to do. Principal photography for GU2 was June-July of 2012. Rock is executive producing a TV show (granted, one that started airing a few weeks after GU2 wrapped) and working on two documentary projects...

    Dammit. Boston is only a short hop from New York. Can't even say he didn't have time to do all of it.

  • Jezzer

    "Nick Swardson, in a moment in which he reveals that he’s gay, attempts to make out with Oliver Hudson (who I didn’t realize was Kate’s brother)..."

    And now that you have made that connection, Kate will have you killed, to prevent further shame upon her family. :(

  • Julie Chase

    I was in Minneapolis visiting family last week, and my cousin-in-law's 3 boys (aged 8-13) were quoting Anchorman. Encouraged, I asked them what their favorite movie was. In unison: "GROWN-UPS!!!"

    I feigned interest, because...kids. "Oh really? I've actually never seen that." "WHAT??? It's so good. We can't wait for the second." "I bet you can't!"

    Cue their mother: "Boys, don't we have that on dvd? Maybe you can watch it with Julie after dinner." The next 6 minutes while the kids frantically searched for their copy was the longest in my life. I saw god. Thankfully they did not own it and I was free to drink a beer on the deck while reflecting on life, Jesus, ponies, and how the threat of a movie could have me welcoming death with alacrity.

  • emmalita

    I hope you learned your lesson. Never travel to the home of 8 - 13 yr old boys without Monty Python, Caddyshack, or comparable excellence in immaturity.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Like, fuck, at least bring Road Trip. Hell, EuroTrip if need be. Even late 90s/early aughts comedies are better than letting Grown Ups persist.

  • Julie Chase

    This is why, when my brother was little, I made him watch MST3K and Monty Python when I would babysit.

  • Slash

    I was at a movie recently and a group of middle-aged women cackled heartily at the trailer for Sandler's next abomination. You know that sound Kif from "Futurama" makes every time Zapp Brannigan does/says something stupid? I made that sound several times.

    Maybe we should consider having "laughs sincerely at Adam Sandler movies produced since 2010" be the standard for not allowing people to vote.

  • Perfect Fish

    A blonde Milo Ventimiglia? Too far, Hollywood. Too far.

  • foolsage

    There are things that man was not meant to see.

  • Steph

    That second point makes makes even less sense, comically, than the rest of them. Why is it embarrassing to be caught masturbating by an elk? It's just an elk. Also, if it pisses on you in the shower, it would just wash right off. They can't even get really dumb humour right.

  • KZoeT

    According to Box Office Mojo, the first movie's domestic total was $162,001,186. This is why Sandler keeps getting to make this shit.

  • Theron

    All you had to say was "there are lots of fools out there"

  • e jerry powell

    Well, if said elk were wearing a leather bustier and patent leather stiletto boots, that would be more logical. No funnier, but certainly more logical.

  • Captain D

    This has gone far enough. It's time for an intervention. Someone needs to tell Sandler (and anyone else in Hollywood) to stop trying to make Nick Swardson happen. Nick Swardson is not going to happen.

  • Artemis

    Upon further reflection, I have decided to chanel my rage into something productive. I present to you my pitch for next year's summer blockbuster, Ugh, I'm So Sick Of This (the title works on two levels!):

    Rebel Wilson stars as a high-powered entertainment lawyer who doesn't appear to have showered in the past year and has recently married Channing Tatum. He is a former model turned house husband who now designs male jewelry, scrubs the kitchen every morning, and never wears a shirt. She is already finding marriage stifling, finds herself checking out all the hot young things who work as paralegals in her downtown law firm, and worries that she'll never be satisfied with just one man forever. She's a little too young to believably play Channing's wife, so they use prosthetics and lighting to age her up.

    Tori Spelling plays her older sister, a wildly successful (we never see evidence of how this could be the case) PR executive who married her college boyfriend, Chris Hemsworth (we got lucky, and the actors ages work out perfectly here). He spends his days at home with the kids; he also shares Channing's aversion to shirts. She spends the entirety of the movie wearing baggy jeans and unwashed t-shirts, with her hair in a messy ponytail. Her dialogue consists primarily of fart sounds. She also enjoys making animal noises at attractive men she passes on the street.

    Rebel's best friend is Kristen Wiig, who spends the movie doing her best impression of Kristen Stewart. She's so blindingly hot and charistmatic that she gets all the d she wants from any guy, and decides to take Rebel and Tori on a girl's trip so they can bond about how awesome they all are, how much their menfolk are dragging them down, and gawk at guy's packages. Kristen forgot where the hair and makeup trailer was on set, but it's cool, every guy in the universe would obviously want to bang her whether or not she's coated in a sheen of perspiration and Axe body spray in every scene.

    The girls bond and sometimes shit their pants and also eat a lot of cheetohs. Tori almost cheats on her husband when Tyson Beckford repeatedly throws himself at her, but ultimately decides that Chris Hemsworth is a pretty decent guy, even if he doesn't really turn her crank anymore. Rebel does cheat on Channing by kissing Michael B. Jordan, but heroically decides to not sleep with him and goes home feeling pretty virtuous. Kristen Wiig learns the true meaning of love and gives up her horndog ways when she falls for the ugly guy who became infatuated with her while holding her hair back when she vomited (still casting, possibles include: Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper).

    So Adam, when you finish reading this (I know you read slowly), give me a call. I'm thinking 8 figures for the scripts, plus points on the back end.

  • Jezzer

    Out of the reasons it wouldn't be believable for Rebel Wilson to play Charming Potato's wife, you went with her age?

    Huh.

  • Jezzer

    All the downvotes in the world aren't going to make that a likely scenario, pumpkins.

  • alwaysanswerb
  • Sara_Tonin00

    If I knew how I'd embed that Futurama "shut up and take my money" image.

  • I'm straight as hell and I'd see that film. It's the film that should ahve been Magic Mike.

  • idiosynchronic

    Someone get this woman a digicam and a $250,000 budget. STAT.

  • alannaofdoom

    Dammit, why did I waste my "Jonathan! Bring me my greenlight" quote upthread? I am gonna go home and get my sleeping bag and then I'm gonna go wait in line for tickets to this masterpiece, is what I'm saying.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    Not gonna lie, I'd watch the fuck outta that.

  • Wigamer

    All I know is that I will be needing a ticket to that vacation destination. Tyson Beckford AND Michael B. Jordan? Lordamercy.

  • Artemis

    They're brothers who do a double act in a strip club. The scene in which the girls meet them consists of five minutes of panning up and down their sweaty mostly naked bodies, and ends when Tori literally pees herself. Later, Tyson whispers to her that he loves a lady who can't stop staring at his groin. Meanwhile, Rebel impresses Michael B. Jordan by violently shoving aside a SUPER UGGO drunk lady who's trying to feel him up, and oblivious to the awoooooga noises she was making at him while he was on stage, tells her that he's so happy he found her because just can't seem to meet a woman who treats him like a human being and not just a naked chest.

  • Wigamer

    I...well, I...I love you. I bow to your superior intelligence, gifted storytelling, and ability to see into my female heart and know exactly what I've been waiting for in a film. You had me at the intermittent pants-shitting, then took me higher with the awoooogas.

  • stryker1121

    Dan Patrick's in this? *That *Dan Patrick from ESPN (I refuse to google it) and you see his balls? I cannot wrap my head around this.

  • Theron

    You're just a bad person if you enjoy movies like this.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I made it to number five before I hung myself with my laptop's power cord. Long Pig Tailor, RIP. I'll say hi to Joshua Jackson, you guys.

  • Here's one thing you won't see in Grown Ups 2: Rob Schneider. That had to be an awkward call.

  • Hello?

    Yeah, hey buddy.

    Yeah, you know that sequel we've been talking about?

    Yeah, about that. I can't do it.

    Why? Because I'm Rob Schneider. I was in The Fucking ANIMAL, for Christ sake. So you know when I say 'This is beneath me', this is not something to be taken lightly.

    No. No. Don't cry. You're still a nice guy and all. You just make terrible, terrible movies.

    Oh yeah? Well, at least in my shitty films, I have the dignity of being the main character. I'm nothing but a bit player in your shit! You made me an Asian stereotype, and you knew I was half-Filipino! It wasn't even the right Asian stereotype!

    What? OF COURSE THERE IS MORE THAN ONE GODDAMN ASIAN TYPE!!!!

    Oh, don't you dare start crying. That is how you roped me into this shit in the first place.

    Now look, this doesn't mean we can't still be friends. And if you ever want to do something more...palatable. I'll be there.

    Hey, you still cool with PTA right? Why don't you see if you can get another Punchdrunk Love kind of thing? That was fun, right? Yeah, I know Funny People and Reign Over Me didn't do so well, but it's gotta be better than this.

    Know what? I tried to be nice, but you can take your solid gold Maserati and shove it straight up your ass!

    *click*

    Sorry about that. Would you like fries with your order, or maybe a dessert?

    -fin-

  • Well played. You button hooked me. I had Sandler breaking the news to Schneider that his services would not be needed going forward in my head but I like this much more. Especially after listening to the Schneider episode of the WTF Podcast where he basically just seems like a normal and likeable guy who is sort of trapped by his success in cheap, crappy movies that he made years ago.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    *standing ovation of brutal truth*

  • fiveoclock

    No. 6 gave me a chuckle, at least.

  • AudioSuede

    I will admit to chuckling at the car wash clip in the trailer, if only because watching Bobby Moynihan dance can shatter my willpower not to laugh at any time, but holy sweet baby shitbird jesus does this movie look terrible.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    yeah, for me it's the stupid grin on Andy Samberg's face. But really, those 15 seconds are all I need to know of this movie. Because #1 and #2 on this list were almost enough to make me toss the lunch I hadn't even eaten yet.

  • Artemis

    So let me make sure I understand. Adam Sandler, a thoroughly average-looking and perpetually obnoxious man-child, is married to Selma Hayek, a straight-up hottie who I assume does not cheat on or beat him. Her breasts are obviously not magnificent enough for him, so he needs to openly gawk at other women while she encourages him to do so.

    Kevin James, a similarly obnoxious and even less attractive man, is married to Maria Bello, who is absolutely gorgeous. He, too, is so thoroughly unsatisfied by his wife's hotness that she takes pity on him and drives him down to the local HIGH SCHOOL so that he can sexually objectify HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS who are IN HIGH SCHOOL.

    This is why we can't have nice things. I don't mean in movies. I mean in life. Just the idea that you line up Adam Sandler and Kevin James across from Selma Hayek and Maria Bello and think "man, I bet these guys would be thoroughly unsatisfied with the amount of hot women in their life, and those women would totally understand why they are unsatisfactory." I can't even.

  • BlackRabbit

    Hey, YOU may think she's hot, but the other guy may be tired of her crap. Looks ain't everything. I agree with your general point and I am tired of this cliche, though.

  • apsutter

    That just teaches us little ladies to know our place, dont cha know?! No matter how beautiful we are we ultimately have to settle for some fat fucking schlub who still wants to fuck other woman and we just have to tolerate it because we're just women...it's not like we have rights or anything! Movies like this make me fucking sick. At least when Kevin James was in King of Queens he knew his wife was hot and wasnt up on other women.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I know a lot of people don't like The League, but that is one thing I find really awesome about it. The two married guys have gorgeous wives and don't take it for granted. Ruxin doesn't give two shits about any other woman besides his wife.

    And the women on in the bounce test.

  • GDI

    The folly and foolishness of those who don't recognize the greatness of The League.
    A pity.

  • Artemis

    I don't give shows/movies points for "at least the average-looking guys who are all married to super hotties think that their wives are attractive." The shlub husband/hot wife pairing has been repeated endlessly and used to be rightfully criticized. It's only because movies like Grown-Ups and Hall Pass are now taking us into even grosser places that we would think that the former is something to be applauded.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    I have zero problems with the average guys/hot women trope. None. Because it happens. Perhaps not routinely, but it absolutely happens, and I can think of several examples in my own life that support it.

    What I do have a problem with -- a HUMONGOUS problem with -- is that movies never depict the scenario in reverse... which happens just as often. THAT'S the part that bugs me. Not that we see hot girls with average guys, but that we never see hot guys with average girls.

    Of course, that ties into Hollywood's other glaring issue -- you never see average-looking female characters (under 50, anyway) ever.

  • PDamian

    You need to watch more British TV, where women are allowed to age and middle-aged men with average looks are paired with middle-aged women with average looks. Thank goodness.

  • I recall visiting some celeb gossip site that had an article featuring Hugh Jackman and his wife. The comments were.....ugh.

    Hoo boy, it still sticks in my craw.

    If it wasn't for the fact that her character is insufferable (and it fails at being self-aware enough to be a parody or satire), I would applaud Lena Dunham on Girls for hooking up with Patrick Wilson's character. It was at least a average girl/hot guy hookup that didn't make (too many) excuses (until the end).

  • Artemis

    I have no problem with sometimes having an average-looking guy have a hot wife in movies. I have a problem with the trope because that means it happens so often, and so one-sidely, that it became an identifiable thing.

    In other words, I think we're on the same page here.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    Yes, agreed. I'd be fine with either solution: either make MORE movies with average female/hot male relationships to balance it out, or dial back the ones like this.

    Well, honestly, ones like this should be napalmed and scorched from our collective memory. I meant, oh fuck it, you know what I meant.

  • lowercase_ryan

    The guys aren't shlubs at all. They aren't models but they're not ugly guys by any stretch.

  • Artemis

    That's why I called them average-looking. I use shlub basically the same way -- average-looking, and not really making an effort to clean themselves up. Every picture I've seen of that show features the guys in jerseys or baggy t-shirts and one girl in a tight, low-cut tank top.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Ruxin actually dresses quite well. Rafi....not so much

    https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic...

  • Wigamer

    Yeppppp. But also, I would pay money to watch Salma Hayek deliver a beating to Adam Sandler.

  • alannaofdoom

    "Jonathan! Bring me my greenlight!"

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    To be fair, I would pay money to watch anybody deliver a beating to Adam Sandler. Who knows, dude might come to his senses and make vaguely worthwhile trash again. Or just go away. Or die from the brain damage.

    Like, it's all upside is what I'm saying.

  • THIS. ALL THE THIS.

    Look, you want to have a schlubby guy have a hot mate? Fine, it's a thing now.

    But to have the guy act like having said hottie is a BURDEN? And then have said significant other act like that is in any way sane, to the point that they are actively helping their men leer at other women? Bullshit.

    Then again, this is the same Adam Sandler who couldn't be remotely seen as anything less than super-hetero in "Chuck and Larry".

    He may be a nice guy in real life, but Sandler's movie persona is a real douchebag.

  • PDamian

    That screenshot from Rotten Tomatoes has depressed me beyond all succor. I'm going to wander off to look for semi-naked Momoa pics online. That always cheers me up.

  • DominaNefret

    That Will Arnett gif made reading this post worth it.

  • melancholicmess

    We can say all we want about the movies and the actors in it but ultimately, the movie will do well (as did the first one which is why they had the audacity to make the second one). Apparently, Adam Sandler and gang don't really care what it does to their reputation and acting credibility as long as their movies make money.

  • apsutter

    Oh and can I just remind everyone that Sandler had the mother fucking balls to be on the Oscar telecast talking about his passion for movies and his CRAFT!! No fucking shame

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Did you mishear? Perhaps it was his passion for movies and craft services.

  • Green_Eggs_and_Hamster

    Or maybe he meant Kraft Macaroni?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    If I had a million dollars...

  • Mmmmm... gourmet catchups/ketchups/catsups

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    That's a lot of maca-ro-ro.

    *makin' maca-ro-ro happen*

  • *does stupid dance* Heeeeeey maca-ro-ro
    There. That should kill it.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Dan Patrick, why?!

  • lowercase_ryan

    Poor Nick Swardson. Terry sucking bananas on the street corners of Reno had more dignity.

  • Wigamer

    Can someone please rid us of Nick Swardson? I'm not advocating murder, but could he be forced out of a plane (parachuted, with supplies) somewhere over the Mojave Desert?

  • AudioSuede

    I met Nick Swardson in Minneapolis at a concert once, and he was super nice. And his first stand-up special, all of his appearances on Reno 911, and, yes, Grandma's Boy made me like him to begin with. I even kind of enjoyed the first season of Pretend Time.

    But starting with his full hour standup special and his appearances in Sandler movies, it's become increasingly clear that he wants more than anything to be a "bro." Mind, I don't think he IS a bro. He parties like he is, and he makes frat boy jokes like he is. But it's also clear that he's got a very weird sense of humor under all the party-bro nonsense, and I honestly, sincerely believe that no matter how much he tries, he'll never fit in with the frat-party crowd, and that it's making him increasingly desperate.

  • Bucky Denton porn star was arguably the worst movie of the year, whenever it came out

  • Alex0001

    I was pretty shocked when I saw his second big stand up special compared to the first.

  • lowercase_ryan

    By the power vested in my by Reno 911 and Grandma's Boy, I pronounce that you can get bent.

  • GDI

    Grandma's Boy was the soothsayer. The writing was certainly on the walls.
    Although I did find a bit grating in Reno 911. Even in small doses, he just isn't fathomable.

  • You really want to use Grandma's Boy as a defense?

  • lowercase_ryan

    He was hilarious in that.

  • Green Lantern

    He was. And I really liked "Grandma's Boy".

    Don't you fuckin' judge me.

blog comments powered by Disqus