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The 10 Best Comments of the Week: Skitz Kills Again

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | December 16, 2011 |

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | December 16, 2011 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in film reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

10. So you’re saying I am a clever literary device you made up in order to get across your philosophical points? I guess that’s just one hypothesis. — Socrates_Johnson

9. I was hoping the Glengarry Glen Ross GIF would be here. - jayco

Because to give you those GIFs is just throwing them away…they’re for closers. - Salad_Is_Murder

8. Listen, the Quincy Jones opening number? Solid. Any songs entitled “BeHAVE,” “The Shorn Scrotum Softshoe” or “I Wanna Alotta Fagina” have GOT TO GO.

“Once Upon a Goldmember”? “C’est Mojofique”? “If My Fembots Could See Me Now”?

…I’ll close the door behind me. - Jast

7. John McClane? Is this the new Die Hard movie? It is, isn’t it?

I think popcorn action flicks are heading to a point of convergence. Eventually, we will have Die Hard Faster and Furiouser: Electric Boogaloo in My Expendable Transformer Crank. - LB

6. Prolixity (may I call you Prolixity?) - I was introduced to a guy last week by another dude who’s always trying to get me out to these trivia nights he does. Dude presented me as some kind of pop culture brain trust, because the one time I did go out to play that’s pretty much what I contributed. He also implied I was awesome because our team won because of said knowledge. I think that was an exaggeration, as there were entire categories about things beyond my erudition, and I am not even certain that we did win that night, but in any case, it’s not the point of this story. So.

The other guy, I can’t recall his name now, maybe it was Jerome? Dave? Anyway, he was presented as a veritable treasure trove of data about movies and television. Dude said, with much awe, that Dave* is one of those people who even knows the names of producers, writers, show runners. So I’m looking at Jerome**, and I get this tingly sense that he probably knows about Pajiba. I keep telling people in my life, like my sister’s boyfriend***, about the site and it hasn’t caught on with them yet; here, though, HERE was someone who surely would know about this awesome corner of the internet.

I wanted so much to just look him in the eye and say “Pajiba?” but I couldn’t make myself do it. For one thing, I am one of those heathens who always wants to say pah-gee-bah, even though I know it’s meant to be said padge-eye-bah. Worse still, I do not comment. Imagine if he was here, was an eloquent even, and I would have to admit that I am but an inveterate lurker.

Oh the shame I felt just then. And so here we are - here I am - today.

*The guy was almost certainly NOT named Dave.
** Pretty sure he wasn’t actually Jerome, either
*** My little sister’s boyfriend is name Dave, furthering my suspicion that that guy wasn’t. There are only so many Daves I know. —Berecka

5. So, I’m a ninja. I’m a master of infiltration, the ghost in the machine, the silent killer, the one who is not seen. My strength is not straight up fighting, it’s killing the enemy before they know I exist. Now, I’m on a mountain. It’s a collection of browns, greys, greens and possibly some dirty snow. Why am I wearing a candy apple red/day glow yellow/snazzy black jumpsuit? Is it laundry day? Did I just try to hide at the New York Auto Show? Was I influenced by the dubstep score? Damn it, did Sho Kosugi teach you nothing! - Mrcreosote

4. Wait, Admin is scared of the internet?
I thought
moose knew no fear. Huh. - MelBivDevoe

The mooses know fear
fear of an aroused admin
maple seduction

So can I write a three-haiku review, mswas? I’m really quite serious about this. - admin

admin wants haikus
mswas thinks about it, hmmm
three haikus will do

Caveat: If you stick to the haiku format, your reviews will be less likely to get posted on Pajiba.

But if reviewing books in haiku format means you’re reading and being thoughtful about books, I’m game. - mswas

3. I squealed when I saw him wearing that sweater this morning. The Bourne Receptionist! - Kolby

2. Naked Man Hit By Streetcar

TORONTO- A hysterical, naked man stepped in front of an oncoming streetcar in the city today. Witnesses tell police the man had been watching a movie trailer on his iPad, after which he began weeping uncontrollably and tearing his clothes off repeatedly saying, ‘There is no God! There is no God!” before stepping in front of the local streetcar. Luckily it was already coming to complete stop anyway as it was letting passengers off. The driver did not see the man until he turned to start back up and noticed the pale obstruction on the tracks. Despite being bumped by the streetcar, the man was able to sit down in front of the now stopped car and sing several verses of what was reported to be the childhood song “The Wheels on the Bus”, before snarling “Camera Dee Ass is the Anti-Christ!”

Before police were able to arrive on the scene, he promptly collected his belongings, gave the finger to the movie theater across the street and limped away. While the man’s identity has not yet been confirmed, authorities do believe he is an expatriated American and that he may be a fan of the local baseball team despite there allegedly being a Boston Red Sox cap among the discarded articles of clothing.

Police say this is a typical day for the Bloor Village area. - bleujayone

1. I haven’t the foggiest idea who this chick is. She could be taking a crap on my front lawn and I’d say something along the lines of “Hey, there’s a relatively foxy gal taking a dump on my lawn.”

That would be followed with a “Waitasec - I don’t have a lawn. I lost the lawn in the divorce.”

That, in turn, would be followed by a fuckton of confusion regarding A. Who’s house I was in; and B. Who I was talking to.

Then I’d look down slowly at my blood-covered hands and realized I’d killed again. - Skitz

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.