Eloquent Eloquence, Smells Like a Burning Band-Aid Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion.
It was almost the Lizard Brain Reduction Edition.
Honourable Mention Under the Auspices of Biblioglow’s I Want to Nominate This For EE on Behalf of That 4000 Year Old Writer Comment of the Week:
BWeaves: One of my favorites is an ancient Sumerian tablet in cuneiform writing. It is 4000 years old. It is a conversation between a father and son.
Father: Where have you been?
Father: Then why are you late?
• The This Seems Reasonable and Potentially Very Frustrating Comment of the Week goes to bonnie for outing everyone with a comparable list:
[Crosses off Ben Whishaw from Top Ten List, transfers him to burgeoning Gay Husband list]. My husband can’t believe I have a Gay Husband list. I told him it was a straight-girl perk. He told me I’m being greedy. I think we’re both right.
• The If You Do Get the Facts of Life Reference, You Will Feel Old, and If You Don’t Get the Facts of Life Reference You Missed Out On an Awesomely Excruciating TV Show, Lucky You Comment of the Week goes to foolsage. Your prize is Mrs. Garrett’s cobbler recipe:
There is a place we all can go
To snark about the stuff we know
When other places grind your gears
Come over here, share laughs and tears
When you just need to vent
Or you have a view to present
It’s time to come and celebrate
The reasons we stay up so late
When the show you used to love you hate
Come tell us why, participate
Don’t Comment Angry Comment of the Week goes to Artemis for calling a spade a spade:
Remind me again, is this the “bullshit reductive come hither” type of mostly-undressed photo that we’re supposed to be upset that actresses pose for but still use to illustrate posts about them talking about their work, which they presumably did while fully-clothed? Or is this the good kind of nudity because SMG is owning her sexuality, again in a photo of her mostly-naked to illustrate a post that has nothing to do with how much skin she shows?
• The Cap Ass Comment of the Week goes to Lauren_Lauren for justifying the inclusion of Pajiba darling, the Cap Ass gif and doing so with great style, much like Cap’s Ass:
Oh, that Chris Evans gif. You are internet legend. I wonder how the conversation between the DP and Joss Whedon went on set that day.
DP: So, Joss, what are we thinking here?
Joss Whedon: I want you to light his butt so that each glute catches the light as he punches.
DP: Um … what?
Joss Whedon: I want you. To highlight. Each glute. As he punches.
*tents fingers* Trust me.
• The Working the Pole Comment of the Week goes to L.O.V.E. and Jim. Your prize is a ball of sweaty singles:
L.O.V.E.: “I am digging Ms. Aniston of late: Hurling profanities, stripping for a comedy…”
Stripping for Comedy is my favorite charity. $5 to sit up close to the stage. $20 for a private, 5 minute set. Just stay away from the prop comics and the female Gallagher. And all the proceeds go to college funds, naturally.
Jim: I hit THE WALL two years into a career Stripping for Comedy. I looked out into an audience of maybe 50 people and I could see them … DRESSING me with their eyes.
Now I make a tidy sum juggling scallops at lodge meetings and teaching yoga to Siberian Yaks. Sigh. It’s a living.
• The Badum Ching, Eh?! Comment of the Week goes to kushiro for a clever answer to a simple question. Try the back bacon!:
emmalita: I’ve never heard of “Lost Without U.” What is it?
Kushiro: It’s the U.S. version of “Loust”.
• The Wait, He Was Making Fun of Buzzfeed and Not SRLs? Comment of the Week goes to JJ for the intro and for ringing that bell with style:
pajiba: THERE IT IS.
JJ: I didn’t want you to be disappointed, but it took me a while to choose from the list of The 13 Jokes That Came To Mind That Demonstrate How SRLs Would Work Seamlessly on Buzzfeed. Mostly because I could enough gifs.
• The Stop Telling Celebrities They Have It Coming Comment of the Week goes to puppetDoug for eloquence:
This. “It’s part of your job, comes with the territory.” So assholes can be assholes, but if you stand up to them, something’s wrong with you? Bully-enabling, cowardly bullshit. “Bad tips come with being a waiter. Anonymity and expendability come with working for a corporation. Bad politics comes with being American. Shut up. Sit down. Let them walk over you. Let them treat you like shit. I can’t stand up for myself, why should you get the privelege? WHY DO YOU GET TO BE STRONGER THAN ME?” Abuse isn’t part of any job. You don’t get to attack people, you don’t get to hound them, you don’t get to rob them of their privacy because they felt a calling to the arts, and you definitely don’t get to wonder why and laugh when they lose their fucking minds because you never stop hungering for their souls.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone for a magnificent play on words in response to Johnny Depp’s disappointment over The Lone Ranger:
He would have earned more respect if he had just eaten the crow.