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Katy Perry Never Farts In Front Of Romantic Interests: Do You?

By Agent Bedhead | Pajiba Love | August 2, 2013 | Comments ()


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Ellen DeGeneres has been hired to host the Oscars next year. This, of course, being her second time. Let the somewhat ambivalent dances of joy commence. (AV Club)

Charming Potato haters will enjoy this horrendous photo of the spud with blonde hair and elf ears on the set of Jupiter Ascending. (DListed)

The New England Patriots camp has opened, and oddly enough, the Tim Tebow sideshow is the very least of Belichick’s problems. (Grantland)

Bryan Cranston discusses the worst possible ending for his “Breaking Bad” character. Good god, that does sounds horrific. (Warming Glow)

Chris Evans is set to make his directorial debut in 1:30 train, which sort of sounds like a Before Sunrise ripoff. Don’t get me wrong though. I’ll watch it and imagine that the entire movie is simply a constant loop of this Cap ass GIF. (Slashfilm)

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Paul Haggis wrote a nice open letter to Leah Remini after she left Scientology. (Videogum)

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Well, damn it. Jack White’s second ex-wife, Karen Elson, has filed a restraining order against him for his “violent” temper and controlling behavior. (Vulture)

Diablo Cody’s directorial debut, Paradise is going straight to VOD. I hate to say it, but if this poster is any indication, that’s exactly where this movie belongs. (Uproxx)

Katy Perry decided to battle rumors that she got with Robert “Sparkles” Pattinson by claiming to not only “fart” but “fart properly” in front of him — because she never farts in front of guys that she dates. Now I feel sorry for Katy for not feeling free enough to far in front of the ones she loves. (Celebitchy)

Looking for tips on how to walk across hot coals? Knock yourself out. (Mental Floss)

Will the latest remake of a remake of Scarface place the main character as a bath salts dealer? (Film School Rejects)

Justin Bieber stopped a concert to take a fan’s iPhone, put it in his pants, and rubbed it around for fun. (Buzzfeed)

Oh, and the Biebs was also spotted strolling around New York City while wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. He’s so deep and “anonymous.” (Daily Mail)

Carrie Fisher and Warwick Davis have re-enacted a Return of the Jedi scene from thirty years. Yep, the scene still does absolutely nothing for me. (Kotaku)

Congratulations go out to Kate Hudson for wearing a quilted photo album made of denim and still managing to look righteously hot. (Go Fug Yourself)

Would you try out a Ben & Jerry’s flavor called “War and Peach”? The ideas get even worse from there. (The Mary Sue)

Finally, I can’t believe it’s come to this, folks. A man plays his trumpet for a donkey, and I can’t tell if the poor beast loves it or hates it.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at celebitchy.com.



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Comments Are Welcome, Douches Are Not


  • Wild Rumpus

    A story. Long ago when I was in high school, one of my good friends was a social farter. He didn't care who was around or where he was, he'd just let the flatulence fly without comment or reaction.

    One night I was invited to his house for dinner. His mom had made some delicious five-alarm chili. You can sort of guess where this is going. Sure enough, during the meal my friend cut loose with a number of loud and smelly fandangos. But then his dad started farting, and his sister, and his mom. And none of them reacted one bit to the miasmal reek of that dinner table. Not an "excuse me" or "pardon my pootie" in the bunch. They ate and drank and carried on conversations as though none of it was happening. It was a very surreal "Dinner with the Klumps" moment for me.

    I realized later that it was a family thing. That was how his family dealt with intestinal gaseous discharge. Release and forget. Such a carefree life of abandon.

    But not for anyone exposed to them, of course.

  • I have a great t-shirt I picked up in Aspen about 15 years ago, simply says "I have gas and I know how to use it."

  • Zirza

    I pretend I don't fart in front of my boyfriend, he pretends not to notice that I do. Our relationship is built on lies, but we're okay with that.

    Also, my cat has a fit when I play the violin and I kind of want a Donkey now .

  • Lauren_Lauren

    Oh, that Chris Evans gif. You are internet legend. I wonder how the conversation between the DP and Joss Whedon went on set that day.

    DP: So, Joss, what are we thinking here?
    Joss Whedon: I want you to light his butt so that each glute catches the light as he punches.
    DP: Um . . . what?
    Joss Whedon: I want you. To highlight. Each glute. As he punches.
    *tents fingers* Trust me.

  • Captain D

    Imagine the outcry when a VH1 special in 10 years reveals that whole scene was CGI

  • Lauren_Lauren

    Don't even SAY that! The ass must not be questioned! The mighty glutes shall SMITE you!

  • DominaNefret

    I try pretty hard not to fard at work, in front of strangers, in public, in front of acquaintances, etc. But with my boyfriend? We let 'em rip without hesitation. We both feel like if there is anyone you should be able to fart comfortably around, it is your significant other.

  • e jerry powell

    Ew. Asymmetrical Tom Cruise face.

  • e jerry powell

    What's weird:

    My mother insists on having peach trees on the side of the house wherever she lives. I don't dislike peaches, but I prefer not to eat them. I will make peach cobblers, peach ice cream, peach tea infusions, whatever, but I really don't like eating peaches. AND THEY;RE ALWAYS THERE.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I will take some. I like grilling peaches and I made peach ice cream for my birthday party.

    And peach salads. And fried peaches. And peach gumbo...

  • e jerry powell

    Move on out to the country...

    :-D

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I have actually seen 2 thriving peach trees in Astoria (and a LOT of fig trees, which produce like crazy). But I have yet to be bold enough as to snag a free peach from one.

    You don't provide a mail order peach shipping service? To send me millions of peaches, peaches for me?

  • e jerry powell

    Well, my parents live in North Dallas now. There are a lot of peach farms around Austin, but I couldn't find one if I had to these days.

  • e jerry powell

    No. Chris Evans must improve on that GIF by hitting the heavy bag sans pantalon.

  • BlackRabbit

    What's wrong wit a little mystery if it keeps the ladies happy, no?

  • e jerry powell

    What I don't get is why sports reporters are so FUCKING STUPID. Belichick has made it clear what the party line on the Hernandez situation is, but the fuckers keep trying to pry an stray comment loose from anyone -- especially Tebow -- like they're going to have a gotcha moment.

    I fucking hate sports journalists. They're as bad as CNN.

  • ,

    Here’s perhaps the stupidest question (and that’s saying something) I’ve ever heard a sportswriter ask.

    When Patriots camp opened the other day, somebody asked Tom Brady how much of a distraction the Aaron Hernandez thing was.

    Now think about Tom Brady’s life and what he does for a living. He
    stands in a tornado of hand-to-hand combat among a dozen people 50 percent bigger than he is, half of whom are trying to decapitate him, while 60,000 people scream for his blood, and throws 50-yard spiral TD passes and wins Super Bowls. He fucks a supermodel (and IMO is far prettier than she is), has a bajillion dollars to play with and is the focus of attention and photographers everywhere he goes.

    And somebody asked THIS guy if the case involving a teammate he
    probably never sees or consorts with outside of a huddle or locker room (there are, what, 53 guys on an active NFL roster?) is a distraction?

    Brady’s answer was, “Zero,” and I absolutely believe him.

  • Guest

    You win all the cookies.

  • e jerry powell

    See? See? You get it!

  • Captain D

    Dear pajiban commenters,
    TMI.
    Sincerely,
    the rest of us

  • e jerry powell

    There is no such.

  • emmalita

    I keep looking at that Paradise poster wondering how it happened. How did Julianne Hough get into a movie with Nick Offerman, Holly Hunter and Octavia Spencer? Is this a prank of some sort?

  • e jerry powell

    Octavia Spencer has that Octavia Spencer Face on. I know why she does that, and really, she's got to know that she can do something to fix it. She's a Legitimate Movie Star now (and a producer to boot), it's not like she can't afford it.

  • Maguita NYC

    They all had to start somewhere... however I can't see any acting talent on that chick (especially NOT the singing!)

    You know who surprised me yesterday? Keibler. It's okay, you can yell at me!

  • emmalita

    Why would I yell at you? I've never questioned the talent of the Keibler elves.

  • Maguita NYC

    You're on a sugar high right now, aren't you! I want my blueberry pie!!! pictures.

  • annabanana333

    I taught my husband the "Dutch Oven" in our first 2 weeks of sharing a bed. I told him "I fart. A lot. A lot more than most people, probably. And they stink. Just so we're clear. I can make this whole room smell like poop. Take it or leave it." The next night, he taught ME the "Cupper." (not a fan)

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Not even the urban dictionary knows what a cupper is. I'm not sure if I still want to know.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Oh, they have it, but you'd really prefer not to know. If you insist on proceeding:

    http://www.urbandictionary.com...

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Oh, er... Jeez!

    My mind probably skipped it the first time around.

  • Uriah_Creep

    In truth, though, I don't think that definition of the word "cupper" is what annabanana33's husband tried to teach her, right?

  • emmalita

    Oh, I know about those. I was imagining something male part related. I know! My imagination is so immature.

  • emmalita

    I am especially ignorant today and want to know.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Do you though?

  • emmalita

    Knowledge is power. Even if it is only the power to horrify.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    See? this is beautiful. Honesty, humor and love. sounds like a great marriage.

  • annabanana333

    Yeah, as two single parents of boys, we learned to laugh at what is actually funny and dropping ass is funny (especially to a 10 and 12 YO). What I don't understand is what couples do when they have raging runs from illness or from a bad Reuben. If you're already cracking up over farts, it's easy to make light of your spouse making the entire house smell like something dead crawled out from inside of you.

  • ,

    Hee.

    When I was dating the future Mrs. , , I was sitting with her on her back porch one day when I let go an SBD. Fortunately for me, there's a culvert runs along her yard, so she blurted out, "Man, something crawled inside that pipe and DIED!" It was many many years before I fessed up.

    True story.

  • e jerry powell

    Or crawled into you and steadfastly refuses to leave.

  • DeaconG

    One of my aunts admonished me many years ago when I was a wee DeaconG about subject of farting, she said "If you have to pass gas, do it somewhere else so others aren't offended". That has stuck with me ever since and I always try to make a discreet exit when I know it's coming.

    Of course, on one of my long-running jobs, we had folks whose farts could be sold to DoD as a crowd-control/nerve gas agent, and they had no compunctions about letting fly. Strange, though...as we got older and hung around each other, our perceptions changed.

    In the beginning: POOT..."Oh, my GODDDD!" (everyone grabs gas mask, takes atropine shots and vacates the area while paint begins to peel off walls).

    Years later: POOT...(sniff)..."You went to (insert chain restaurant here) last night, didn't you? And you had (insert dish and beer here), didn't you?"

  • Maguita NYC

    I laughed so much at this!!! It reminded me of my father and his farting ways. Which I miss terribly!

    My father used to get back home late after a tiring day at work, and after supper while we watched TV he would fall asleep on his Lay Z Boy and snore away.

    In his deep slumber, he would fart so loudly and for sooooo loooong, we were positive each and every time his farts were ripping the crap out of the couch! His farts would actually wake him up with a start, he'd notice our horrified stares, put his finger to his lips and go, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I was just speaking French."

    Sorry to all the French on this site, but my father had an odd sense of humor.

  • Hey, can somebody please remind Bieber that, as a Canadian, he is breaking some sort of genetically-enforced law by being such a douchenozzle? Everyone knows that once the maple syrup and poutine seeps into the bone marrow, such antics are considered defilement of Canadian nature.

  • emmalita

    He is the exception that proves Canada.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I keep clicking the upvote button but all it does is add and subtract my contributions.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Honestly, he's an international situation now. He transcends borders. Bringing him down is all our responsibility.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I'm sure if he were alive Guy Fawkes would be a belieber.

  • emmalita

    He would be a belieber burner.

  • lowercase_ryan

    absolutely

  • emmelemm

    My boyfriend farts in front of me, often. At least he usually has the courtesy to turn (his butt) away.

  • lowercase_ryan

    It's common courtesy to not blast away in the company of others. If you can be subtle at work (and I can) then you can be subtle at home, especially since it's the person/persons at home who you should be nice too.

    Of course this goes out the window when you have kids because fart jokes are forever funny.

  • Maguita NYC

    Why you little sneak.

  • lowercase_ryan

    you do what you can, no?

  • Maguita NYC

    Preferably in the can. oui?

  • lowercase_ryan

    oui oui

    (sbcip)

  • Maguita NYC

    Small Business Compliance Incentives Policy?... Ahhh, your wee-wee is compliant with incentives to policy peregrination... Eh?

  • Modernlove

    I've been married almost ten years and there is nothing hold either of us back from farting or burping in front of the other. At first, I guess, we tried to be nice but when you live together this long all sense of that goes out the window.

  • L.O.V.E.

    At this point, my wife and I will wait for the other to bend over and then crop-dust the other, we pull the ol' Dutch Oven maneuver, and have been known to blame the dog for our wayward odors.

    And who says romance is dead?

    Although, do NOT try this in Florida. You will get stabbed:

    http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/w...

  • Siege

    I was under the impression that farting with the other person was a sign of love? I have been known to fart directly ON the man of the house's head while he is sleeping if he has annoyed me. Maybe we are both stuck in the juvenile "farts are funny" stage?

  • Kris

    When you are truly in love, your beloved's farts are breezes off the Elysian fields. Their belches are choral masterpieces sung by the Vienna Boys Choir. There is nothing juvenile about that.

  • BizzyBzz

    No, I'm sorry, letting farts just rip in front of people is RUDE. I have accidentally farted in front of my husband a few times, but never, NEVER, will I just freely let one rip. Sooooo foul and rude. Rude, rude, rude.

  • Maguita NYC

    Re: Trumpet and Donkey.

    The donkey hates it. I've worked with that whiny ass before, and recognize the shrill tone.

  • MAGUITAR WINS. PUNALITY.

  • Maguita NYC

    MaguitaR?? Damn autocorrect?

  • Is that as in, "While Maguitar Gently Weeps"?

  • No. Just Facebook carryover.

    /bringit

  • Maguita NYC

    *superembarrassedrightnow.

  • oilybohunk7

    I don't like to fart or burp in front of anyone. I'm ridiculous. I burped in front of a friend of more than 6 years the other day and she was stunned.

  • kirbyjay

    I'm with ya. Many, many, many years with Mr. Kirbyjay and I never do "that" in front of him

  • BWeaves

    When a fart comes out of someone I love, I've been known to act like it never happened and nonchalantly say, "Perfume of the Gods."

  • Uriah_Creep

    I welcome it by saying "Speak, oh toothless one!"

  • Finance_Nerd

    My wife can't do that. It's difficult for her to talk when the guys in haz-mat suits are giving her a "Silkwood" shower.

    I think their might be something wrong w/my GI tract

  • Berry

    Honey? Is that you? I didn't know you came here. You did like that article I linked that one time, the one with the carpet bombing chicken Valhalla.

  • Finance_Nerd

    Sorry, but I think you have the wrong hubby. I can easily see how this happened as I believe 4 out of 5 married men suffer from this terrible affliction (the 5th one actually has this problem too, but is usually able to successfully blame a dog and/or baby).

  • Berry

    "This is not the flatulent husband you're looking for."

  • Mrs. Julien

    I have walked across hot coals. They were made from broken boards. The breaks came from our own hands. The boards came from the seminar we attended. The seminar came from work. The content came from Tony Robbins. The crazy came from our bosses.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    whaaaaaat the what.

    However: you did feel a little awesome about having been able to do that, right?

  • Mrs. Julien

    I was pretty proud of breaking the board. I got a couple of small blisters from the coals, other people fared much worse. I slept with Freezies (freeze pops) wrapped to my foot.

    It was worth it for being able to tell the story later.

  • Drake

    I did it once too, without any Tony Robbins influence. I also got a couple of small blisters, but it was cold out, so I just squirmed my feet into some cold mud and the pain went away fairly quickly.

  • emilya

    i feel for you. i work in a company that is steeped in the tony robbins craziness and attracts some of his less mentally stable fans and every time someone mentions him in a call, I know i am in for it. my co-worker had to go to one of the seminars a few months ago and when we asked what had happened, he responded with "tony wanted us to jump around while picking our noses... what the fuck?"

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I'm farting right now and I want to bang everybody on this site so... there you have it.

  • e jerry powell

    Bring it. I'm rooting for you.

  • firedmyass

    Correlation or causation?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Your username seems so apt to this conversation.

  • BendinIntheWind

    TL;DR, thanks for the CapAss

  • luthien26

    CapAss is a beautiful way to start a Friday. Also I want to high five you for having Ein as your avatar photo. :)

  • BendinIntheWind
  • Lovely Bones

    If there's anyone you should be able to fart in front of, it's someone you're dating, past maybe the first couple months or something. I'll grant that I've never been in the 'getting to know someone as you date them' thing, maybe the need for a good impression can cause one to hold off a bit more.

    On the other hand, I excuse myself even when I'm alone, so don't listen to me.

  • Berry

    I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for almost 10. No-one can hold it in that long. But during those early "oh, you're so perfect" days? I did try to be discreet.

    (And why am I talking about my farting habits to bunch of strangers in the Internet? Working late on a Friday night will make you do the oddest things.)

    PS. Farting habit sounds like a very wrong kind of nun's outfit. Or was that one of those thoughts one's not supposed to share with other people?

  • emmalita

    Your PS is exactly the kind of information you are supposed to share, especially with strangers on the Internet. Just don't give us your credit card number or address.

  • Berry

    Indeed. However, if someone tells you he's a Nigerian prince and then asks you for your credit card number, you can totally tell him, because then he's no longer a stranger. You know who he is: a Nigerian prince!

    That's just common sense, really.

  • emmalita

    That's how I'm going to make my fortune. I've lent lots of money to Nigerian princes and I'm waiting for triple my investment any day now.

  • Berry

    You probably won't have to wait much longer. It's a famously smart investment.

    And say, as a one future billionaire to another, which one are you going to buy first, a diamond tiara, or a diamond covered clutch? I'm leaning towards tiara.

  • emmalita

    Tiara all the way. The diamond covered clutch snags on my lavishly embroidered clothes.

  • llp

    First, you sign up for the Disqus account. Next, you tell us about how flatulence reflects the stages of your romantic life. Snowflake turns into snowstorm. What next, Berry? WHAT. NEXT?

  • Berry

    "Snowflake turns into snowstorm. What next, Berry? WHAT. NEXT?"

    I don't rightly know, but I am a bit afraid and wondering whether it's time to start stocking up on canned goods. You know, beans and whatnot.

  • emmalita

    And air freshener.

  • Mrs. Julien

    It is all terribly exciting, isn't it?

  • Maguita NYC

    You know that sweet honeymoon stage is over in a relationship when he starts farting in bed. UNDERNEATH THE COVERS.

  • firedmyass

    Intentional fart-bombing is, to me, in the same category as "playfully" mashing wedding cake in your spouse's face – disrespectful and vaguely hostile.

  • Maguita NYC

    Intentional fart-bombs are reason for divorce. Repeated IFB are reasonable cause for justifiable homicide.

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