Eloquent Eloquence, Literrhea* Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Please remember that at all times and in all places, I will give thanks unto thee for EE nominations, unless otherwise specified in the succeeding sentence. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and spoiler-laden Game of Thrones discussions are ineligible for inclusion.
*BlackRabbit coined this term for “literary diarrhea”, c.f. Twilight/50 Shades of Grey, and I think it behooves us to embrace it.
• The I Can’t Look Away Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone his prize is a water cooler and a time travel ticket to 1998:
“Sooooo….You schtill von’t talk, eh? Vell, vee haff vays off persvading people like you. Vee vill make you vatch zee entihare CBS Fall lineup oowntil your beady eeys glaze offer undt your deefenses fall!”
*struggle*…”Ugh. Hit me with whatever crappy television you like! I’ll never crack and I’ll NEVER give you what you want!
*sigh…I deed not vish to to do this, but you forced my handt. Günther…Reinhold…. Take heem to zee NBC room!”
“NOOOOOO!!! NOT THE NBC ROOM! YOU MONSTER!!!!! OKAY! I’LL TALK….I’LL TALK!!!!!”
“Ja, I know you vill.”
“You don’t have to do this!!!”
“Nein, eet eez too late for mercy…..”
• The Animals Strike Curious Poses Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig, except I’m pretty sure this is proof he is “The Man” rather than “the_pig”:
Michael Shannon on a merry-go-round where all the animals are sculptures of a grimacing Michael Shannon in animal poses.
• The Your Impotent Rage Gives Us Joy Comment of the Week goes to Puddin. Your prize is a free dessert from this place in Arizona I keep hearing about :
KEEP YOUR STUPID AND UGLY OPINIONS T YOURSELF. YOU ARE A LOSER SLUT AND WE WOULD NEVER LET YOU SEE THIS MOVIE ANYWAY I AM A GOOD PERSON AND MY MOVIES ARE THE MOST DELICIOUS MOVIES IN THE WORLD MY NON HUMAN CHILDREN LOVE THEM SO WHY DONT YOU FUCK OFF AND DIE OH MY GOD I HAVE BEEN HACKED GOD WILL AVENGE THIS.
Love, Amy’s Baking Company
• The I Know This Is a Joke, But This Contradicts So Much Star Trek Lore That It’s Making Me Rage….Comment of the Week goes to , with a H/T and a valium to Ben:
Actually, I think I might enjoy a “District 9”/”Star Trek” sequel mashup.
Prawns arrive to obliterate Earth.
Crew of Enterprise attempts to intervene.
Kirk meets Prawn representatives, hears how their people were treated.
Discovers he likes Prawns better than humans.
Makes out with hot Prawn babe.
Discovers she’s Wikus.
Becomes first Starfleet captain to come out of closet.
Figures, what the hell, I don’t have to hide my true feelings anymore: Fuck the Earth.
There, I said it.
Helps Prawns obliterate Earth.
Marries Wikus on a more civilized planet.
Happily ever after.
• The Oh, Like You’ve Never… Comment of the Week goes to superasente for an overwhelming, bracingly honest overshare. Congratulations, buddy:
My computer monitor is broken now.
Because I just fucked it.
• The Followed by Poe’s Law at 10:00 Eastern, 9:00 Central Comment of the Week goes to googergieger. From your mouth to Goebbel’s ear :
“You can watch the first episode of “Goodwin Games” right now.”
I read that as Godwin’s Games, and I’m like, “they are going to make a sitcom about bringing up Hitler?”
Which personally, in my personal opinion, and I don’t want to ruffle any feathers here, but I think the guy was a real jerk.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Maguita NYC with a throb to Sara_Tonin00 for asking, “Is that a vein or what on jackman’s midriff, rising from his waistband?”.
Actually, It is a dorsal vein on his penis, sneakily trying to cop a feel of his abs.