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Biz Break: The Adaptation of that Pathetic Jumble of Literary Diarrhea May Have Landed a Director, Plus First Look at Spider-Man's Rhino

By Jodi Clager | Trade News | May 13, 2013 | Comments ()


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Photos abound from the tentpole productions of this summer (and the next) and most are spoilery. I won't divulge the spoiler-heavy (possibly) photo from The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Instead I present to you the pre-transformation Rhino, Paul Giamatti.

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He looks pretty Rhino-ish to me. I just hope that his full transformation makes good use of prosthetic pieces and relies less on digital manipulation. Sadly, we all know that's not going to happen. Let's just pray to Godtopus that he doesn't end up looking like Rocksteady. Belly-baring tanks are out for mutant-looking motherf*ckers this season.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes has taken a page from the original 60s Apes movies and plopped Caesar on a horse. In the 10 years between the Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Dawn, Caesar has been getting his minions together and enslaving horses. Which, didn't Caesar secede from human society because he and his fellow apes were treated so badly? I hope no one ever makes the horses smarter than the average bear, or we're getting Rise of the Planet of My Little Pony.

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Neil Patrick Harris has joined Seth MacFarlane's A Million Ways to Die in the West. The rest of the cast includes Charlize Theron, Liam Neeson, Amanda Seyfried, Sarah Silverman, Giovanni Ribisi, and MacFarlane himself. Universal will distribute the Western when it hits theaters May 30, 2014.

You may feel a bit of déjà vu at this next piece of news, as I seem certain I've heard it before. Gremlins might be getting a third movie, twenty-three years after the sequel hit theaters. "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" scribe Seth Grahame-Smith is said to be producing along with David Katzenberg. Grahame-Smith is currently penning the Beetlejuice sequel for Tim Burton and I'm going to go cry now, okay?

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Last and certainly least, Joe Wright is the latest director to be attached to the Fifty Shades adaptation by wisps of truth and rumors. Wright is best known for directing such proper British fare as Pride & Prejudice, Anna Karenina, and Atonement. Helming the production of a trashy heap of steaming sh*t like Fifty Shades seems out of character. Or maybe Wright has been waiting for the chance to direct such glowing dialogue as "Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive." or "How do you make yourself come? I want to see."

PURE POETRY. Now excuse me. I need to clean up some internet history to hide the fact that I searched for lines from that pathetic jumble of literary diarrhea.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • okayflint

    you are better than this, joe :(

  • I hope no one ever makes the horses smarter than the average bear, or we’re getting Rise of the Planet of My Little Pony.

    http://youtu.be/1Ta9i3YQAzM

  • e jerry powell

    I'm assuming that Phoebe Cates will not be making herself available.

    Everything I'm reading today indicates that they're not going with another Gremlins sequel, but rather a reboot, which will allow them to work around the fact that Zach Galligan has evaporated into the aether.

  • Uriah_Creep

    “Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive."

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

    Holy shit, that's rich.

  • Salieri2

    So, who's doing the Literary Diarrhea screenplay? I've got a contender:

    I don't like sand. It's coarse and irritating and it gets everywhere. Everything here is soft and smooth

    Discuss.

  • mslewis

    You will never convince me that the man who directed "Atonement" would have anything to do with That Literary Diarrhea. I refuse to believe it. If there was any way in hell it could be turned into an actual good movie with decent dialogue then, yes by all means, get this man to do it but you can't turn shit into diamonds. Maybe he's been offered many millions and can't turn it down.

  • Alex0001

    Intelligent apes vs. intelligent horses? I'd watch the stuffing out of that.

  • The world is waiting for Kiera Knightley to say such inspiring prose as "Kiss me. Down THERE." and "Holy shit! He kissed me. THERE."

    Fucking piece of shit book.

  • meadowdancer

    I just spit out my water all over the place. That book was AWFUL!

  • bleujayone

    What did you expect? It started out life being Twilight fan fiction. Shit Twit Lit begets more Shit Twit Lit. I'm pretty sure its coming to be is mentioned somewhere in the Book of Revelation.

    -"When the grey book is placed atop the New scroll of Yore, ye shall know the end of Times is nigh."

  • meadowdancer

    LOL I cannot stop laughing.

  • bleujayone

    In much the same way actors will only refer to Macbeth as "The Scottish Play" as it considered bad luck to do otherwise, perhaps all readers here on out should refer to Fifty Shades of Grey as "That Literary Diarrhea". We'll all still know what is being talked about, and no one need give said shitful tome proper acknowledgement.

  • BlackRabbit

    Literrhea?

  • koko temur

    change approved

  • Pinky McLadybits

    I second this motion AND IT CARRIES. /bangs Krasinski gavel

  • Mrcreosote

    Planet of My Little Pony could not be any worse than the Tim Burton Planet. Herp a derp.

  • Yeah, THAT'S your reason for cleaning your internet history. Sure, we'll buy that.

  • pnnylne

    Not a Beetlejuice sequel...Hollywood is seriously hell bent on destroying everything right with the world.

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    I have nothing to say about any of this, so I'll share an interesting little titbit I picked up today: Joe Wright is married to Anoushka Shankar, daughter of Ravi Shankar and half-sister of Norah Jones. Also Anoushka should definitely be on the Pajiba Bunkable List because goddamn! Also sitars are awesome.

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