Eloquent Eloquence, Hating People That Like Things Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and spoiler-laden Game of Thrones discussions are ineligible for inclusion.
• The Give Yourself a High Five Comment of the Week goes to Arran. I want to hear more about jumping Paul Walker:
“Frankly, I’m just happy to see Diesel in a film that doesn’t feature jumping cars or Paul Walker.”
How dare you. The Fast & Furious movies are constructed entirely out of high-fives.
• The Why the Hell Do They Keep Designing High Fashion Dresses with Pockets? Comment of the Week goes to alannaofdoom. I wonder if Ian Fay regrets asking the question:
Because we are tired of the straight male hegemony having a monopoly on pockets! [grabs pitchfork and torch, gathers angry mob]
• The Man, Are You in the Right Place Comment of the Week goes to Tomas353. Your prizes are a Roget’s Thesaurus, an Oxford Dictionary, and an Oxford comma:
I so love the time we spend in the ‘House of Pedantry.’
• The How Come We Can See the Crotch of Everyone Except Wolverine? Comment of the Week goes to Batesian with a H/T to BWeaves. [insert smutty adamantium quip here]:
Wolvie’s displaying six phallic symbols as it is. No need to show off.
• The Cindy Davis Is Willing and Able to Provide Personal Security to Mr. Waltz. Comment of the Week goes to Rochelle and someone called “Claude Weaver”:
Rochelle: Mr. Waltz would be lucky to have his personal security provided by Cindy Davis. Cindy Davis would never allow Mr. Waltz to go anywhere that there might happen to be an idiot with a gun.
Claude Weaver: While technically accurate in the being safe from gunfire, being held in a windowless basement and forced to read the phonebook for hours on end might not be very pleasing to Mr. Waltz’s sensibilities.
Although the colorful epithets he will utter at his “guardian” would certainly be worth the effort.
Rochelle: But it would be a beautifully appointed windowless basement with a wide variety of materials for Mr. Waltz to read aloud.
• The Starring Humboldt Humboldt Comment of the Week goes to Mrcreosote and Poopnado. Punctuation is important, people:
Mrcreosote: Man Eating Super Squid will be a show on the CW next year. Only the titular squid will be a devastatingly handsome young man with a single tentacle artfully placed as to not besmirch his beauty. Everyone else of course will act like he’s horribly disfigured.
poopnado: See I think it’s more of an NBC show. Super Squid is a super hero, akin to Super Man. He uses his powers to stop over-fishing. A terrible enemy, The Piscivore, has acquired a taste for giant sea monsters. The Piscivore disguises himself as a seafood restaurant owner when not getting Super Squid’s goat. Three Stooges-type bumbling hilarity ensues.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Simulacrum 1138. I don’t even care if it’s true:
My dogs are trained to sit when I say “Kneel before Zod!”