Eloquent Eloquence, community hate fondle edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.
There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.
Why not start with some civilized political discourse?
Tired of politics? This article and its comments are worth a second look.
• The God Bless Pseudonyms Comment of the Week goes to Sparky. There was more than enough embarrassment on that thread to go around:
When I was 17, my parents went out of town, giving me free reign of the house. I went absolutely crazy with my freedom. As a result, I almost choked to death on a piece of reheated chicken breast while masturbating in front of the family computer. Imagine writing that obituary.
• The You Left Out Freckled Comment of the Week goes to Julie Chase. Don’t forget the tiny little goldfish mouth either:
Oh Damian Lewis. You ginger god of tortured glances. You will be mine.
• The A Chacun Son Gout Comment of the Week goes to hater from siloam springs. Your prize is D’Abo Dibs.
AND, while I am here today, Olivia D’Abo is made out of wild honey, the purr of a kitten, and fresh baked bread. Anyone who says otherwise will be one cut-up bitch.
• The And the Winning Slam Is… Comment of the Week goes to Quatermain who spotted the true crime: green eyeshadow.
That header picture makes her look like the comic-opera version of The Joker.
• The If I Had a Nickel… Comment of the Week goes to Kailan_Sunshine. Context will not be provided. It stands alone:
He marched on screen and started beating a corpse with a riding crop and I thought to myself, ‘I would have sex with that man…’
• The Nice Pander to the Pajibterate Comment of the Week goes to L.O.V.E.. Compliments to Fredo as well. We know it was you :
Fredo It’s the zombielanche! RUN!
No, Shaun White, don’t try to board the zombielanche! It’s just going to eat you! No, Shaun White!!!!
L.O.V.E. Don’t you mean, Shaun White …. of the Dead?
• The You’re a Wanking Fight Comment of the Week goes to TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin and zeke_the_pig. Hurray for biplay!:
TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin Do you know how many unicorns were forcibly masturbated for this photo-shoot? Three!!! One for every horrendous costume and hair change! The disgusting abuse of these majestic creatures has to stop, especially when there are other ways of harvesting their sparkly spunk! It’s just laying around in tepid pools of magical essence for fuck sake! The King of Stallions verily leak the stuff from their semi-erect ham-hammers.
STOP SEMI-CONSENSUAL UNICORN SEXUAL ASSAULT NOW!
zeke_the_pig Yes, yes, of course you could just COLLECT the unicorn spunk from tepid pools, but where’s the fun in that?! Ask any hunter: would you accept just picking up a perfectly preserved lion carcass? No! You need to take the thing alive! You need to bring it down yourself! It needs to show signs of struggle! And, dammit, when I harvest my unicorn spunk I want my fingers and its throbbing horn to show signs that some sort of altercation took place! THERE. WAS. A. WANKINGFIIIIIIGHT!
• The Slam Back Some Cough Syrup with Codeine Comment of the Week goes to David Sorenson. Your pharmaceutical inebriation give us such joy:
“All You Need is Kill” and “White House Down.” Those are real titles to movies.
The first one sounds like some dark, alternate future where John Lennon became global dictator after the Soviet Union simply assumed that one Lennon was as good as any other Lenin.
The second one sounds like some late nineties comedy where Martin Lawrence becomes President. This of course sets up World War III which he hilariously loses to John Lennon setting up the first movie.
If none of this makes sense to you, might I suggest being doped to the gills on OTC cold medicine. It’s really working for me right now.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Steven Lloyd Wilson. Should we be lauding him, or yelling at him for slut shaming? Doesn’t matter, it’s funny:
I’m going to assume that a “Horation” is what the coach gives at half time of the Lingerie Bowl, and is not in fact a typo.