Weekend Comment Diversion: How Do You Not Fall Down More?

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Weekend Comment Diversion: How Do You Not Fall Down More?

By Mrs. Julien | Comment Diversions | November 10, 2012 | Comments ()

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We all like to think that we are intelligent. My cleverness is self-evident like chocolate being delicious, or snakes being afraid of heights, but being smart does not mean one's grey matter is engaged at all times. Children do stupid things out of inexperience and a breathtaking lack of logic. When I was 7, I singed my finger lighting matches and dropped the lit match in a wastepaper basket full of tissues. It was not a wise thing to do. My parents saved the day because that is their job. For true episodes of stupidity, one must be an adult and presumably in control of one's faculties then do something deeply idiotic. My hamster has fallen asleep at the wheel on more than one occasion and I have actually done the following things as a grown up:

- Run the engine in my completely snow-encased car to warm it up for snow removal.

- Used scissors for a coin toss.

- Bought two lottery tickets with the same numbers to "double my chances".

Those examples might have allowed me to maintain my amateur status for the Harebrain Olympics. This next one forced my transition to Professional Pinhead:

We were watching that charming claymation show about a family of penguins and their friends: Pingu. In this simply delightful episode, they were putting on a snow circus.

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As I watched the figures rolling around in the snow, I wondered, "Do they have multiple models of each character? It would take so long to re-shape them each time, especially because it's so cold." After about a two second pause, my brain informed me that was the STUPIDEST thought I have ever had. It was right.

Welcome to your weekend comment diversion. In this safe* space, please share your own episodes of stupidity. You can just skip the coy denials and cut to the chase.

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*Safety not guaranteed.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • I'm so klutzy that my family coined a term for incidents of said klutziness - "Code Tuxedo". Why that particular parlance you ask? Because, apparently, the way my busted-knee self walks reminds my lovely family of the dancing penguins from Mary Poppins. "Code Tuxedo" has been with us for 15 years.

  • Morgan_LaFai

    I grew up near Chevy Chase Circle and I was 12 when I realized that the Western Ave. on one side of the circle was in fact the same road as the Western Ave. on the other side of the circle. What makes this story even better is that it wasn't until I was 16 and learning to drive that I realized that the Connecticut Ave on one side of the circle was the same as the Connecticut Ave as the other side. The gap in time is what makes this particularly amusing to me.

    My other favorite moment of ineptitude occurred when I was 20. I was bored and coloring in the dots on a Dominoes pizza box when I suddenly looked up at my friends and said, "Hey, it's a domino!" They looked at me blankly for a split second until I went, "Oh, it's a domino because it's from Dominoes." It was at this point that my friends burst into laughter.

    Good times, good times.

  • CardinalChunder

    I've worked with horses for a long time. Once, after an early morning of dealing with the beasts, I drove home and parked my car. The parking brake failed to engage properly. My driveway has a very slight incline, so I was already out of the car and shutting the door when I noticed it was rolling.

    Noticing the movement I lept into action by putting my hand firmly against the side of the car and saying 'whoa' in my calm but commanding voice.

    When it didn't respond but just started to pick up speed I, apparently, looked momentarily confused at the car's lack of response before doing exactly the same thing a second time.
    At the third attempt my fearsome brain found the missing piece of this puzzle, and I managed to jump in and pull the handbrake before it did serious damage.

    This event was observed and reported to everyone by my passanger that day, once their laughter and need to pee had subsided. This spawned a brief but memorable fad, started by my brother, where my friends and family would sporadically say 'Steady, steady, easy there.' when I was stopped at traffic lights, followed by 'Go, girl, run like the wind!' when they turned green.

    In my defence I have never tried to stop a horse by engaging the handbrake.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Well, I'm way late to this party. Does that count?

    Just today, literally, four hours ago I was supposed to have a skype call with a colleague. Monday is, like, the first work day of the week, and today's not a work day because it's a holiday so the call is tomorrow, obviously.

    My colleague is not amused.

    From the ancient past, I remember realizing about a day later why there were no urinals in the bathroom & everybody was looking at me funny after I came out. (In my defense it was end of semester, in the middle of an o-chem lab, and I was sleep deprived *and* high as a kite on the fumes.) To this day I immediately check public bathrooms for urinals once I'm in the door. The number of times this has caught a developing mistake is not 0.

  • Tom

    When I was just a kid I managed to use the word 'orgasm' in place of the word 'organ' in front of my family. Suffice to stay it haunts me to this day.

  • Bodhi

    This isn't remotely as funny as most, but here it goes: I hate wearing shoes &, growing up in the South, I kept my shoes/flip flops in my car because I walk around barefoot at home. This has come back to bite me several times, but the worst was when I was in high school & worked at a fairly nice department store over the summer. I got to work one day & realized that I had no shoes & no money to buy a pair on the spot, so I had to borrow an ill-fitting pair from a co-worker who was going home. My bitchfaced manager was not amused. I *think* my dad brought me a pair, but I can't remember.

    More recently I dashed off to Walmart in my husband's truck & didn't realize till I got there that, once again, I had no shoes. So I did my shopping quick like a barefoot bunny in a Super Walmart in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma and no one batted an eye. I haven't decided if I'm ok with it or not.

    And yes, I have permanent trailer baby feet. But I haven't had the kool-aid mustache in 25+ years.

  • Fher

    The screen of my iphone cracked and I "tried" to show a friend that i was texting, with a screen capture shot ...It wasn't until I hit send to that image that my brain finally realized that, that's not exactly a possible thing to do.
    I also describe with my hands the size or shape of a bunch of things while I'm on the phone.

  • Jill

    One time, I was watching the movie "The Other Guys" with my husband. During the scene where The Rock and Samuel Jackson stupidly jump to their deaths while telling each other that they'll aim for some bushes, I kept yelling at my husband with increasingly levels of concern: "But where are the bushes? I don't see any bushes! They're going to..." Splat.

    To this day, he will randomly begin yelling at me in public "But where are the bushes?"

  • Jannymac

    This isn't my story, but a friend of mines...she was at the retirement home visiting her grandmother. As they watched tv together her gran said..."who is that woman named 'Dot Com' and why are they always talking about her on the news?"

  • Funkyfacecat

    Two of many that immediately spring to mind are wondering why nightcream doesn't have SPF in it, and having a moment of panic about where I put the car keys--while driving down a motorway. This has happened more than once.

  • chanohack

    Gotta share this gem from my sister: she's not very knowledgeable about car maintenance, so she drove over to my dad's house to get his help changing her wiper blades. My dad insisted that she help so she could learn a thing or two. He went inside to get a something and my sister, deciding to be helpful, popped the hood and propped it up to get ready to work. My dad came out and said, "Wait, what are we doing?" My sis said, "Changing the wiper blades... what?"

    My dad didn't want her help anymore and sent her inside to get my brother.

    She also gets a lot of grief for saying things like "soup du jour of the day" and "I don't speak Australian."

  • thebeardedlady

    One morning I got was getting ready for work and grabbed a pair of jeans from the clean laundry basket. Got dressed, cleaned and brushed and ran out the door to get on the bus, which was a 5 minute ride to the train station. After joining the hoard of 730 am travelers, I took a 50 minute train ride, a 6 minute subway ride, then a quick walk to work and sat at my cubicle and did the usual "hate mornings" conversation with my coworkers.
    After sitting slouched in my chair for 90 minutes, I went to cross my legs and pull my jeans down a bit on the inner thigh when all I felt was skin. I froze and slowly looked down. All of the denim had been eaten away by my perverted, weirdo dog, Elvis.I'm talking from the bottom of the back pockets to the bottom of the zipper in the front and down both legs to mid thigh. Luckily I had on underwear that day (Elvis eats those compulsively). These pants had been washed, dried and folded and put in my room.
    I quickly crossed my legs, and sent an email to my friend on break to run and grab me pants from the mall, but she panicked and kept repeating she didn't know what to get. I called my husband and told him and he laughed at me for at least 10 minutes.
    I put my jacket over my lap and when my break came 30 minutes later I ran like the wind to the store. But because I'm so cheap, I refused to pay more than $10 for replacement pants and I scoured the store for 20 minutes until I found a pair of jogging pants on clearance.
    This was my third time wearing pants with no crotch out into public.

    I also still laugh at my husband for seeing a license plate on a car ahead of us and turning to me and saying "Where the hell is Nova Scott-ee-a?"

  • Peppermt

    I've remarked aloud in class that Newton's Third Law states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite erection. That helped the whole class to remember the rule though.

    Not mine, but a good friend's experience:
    His grandmother is a Cantonese and they believe in only cooking fresh fish, as in killing the SWIMMING fresh fish just before cooking. She had to go out, so she told my friend to kill and clean the fish before she returned. My friend and his brother first tried to freeze the fish, which just made it sleepy and slow. Then they had the brainwave of drowning the fish.

    Needless to say, his Cantonese grandmother was not pleased at all.

  • Jezzer

    I routinely blank out and search high and low for my glasses, only to realize they are ON MY FACE, and there have been at least two occasions where I've been boiling water, wondered what was taking so long, and suddenly been reminded by the smell of scorching metal that I forgot to put the water in the pan.

  • Jill

    Not exactly the same, but I usually wear my glasses. On the rare occasion I choose my contacts, I'll attempt to adjust the "frames" several times throughout the day.

  • badkittyuno

    I do the opposite. I almost always wear contacts. When I do wear my glasses, I try to take them off when I walk inside because I think they're my sunglasses...

  • Anderbot

    Man, I'm 42 and just a week ago my XTerra died in my garage. Being alone, I decided to put it in neutral and back it out into the driveway so I could replace the battery.

    With the driver's door open and me half way into the vehicle I pushed with my left foot and started rolling it out of the garage....only to realize that it was on a slight downgrade.

    The car started moving so fast I couldn't stop it and the open driver's door jammed into the flimsy metal beam of the garage door opener completely crushing it.
    The car stopped and I was almost cut myself in half between the vehicle and the open driver's door and the entangled metal. I also had to crawl out the back (narrow garage/big car) which led to some puzzled looks by the neighbor kids.
    The AAA guy had a good laugh though.

  • Holly Martins

    There are 2 airports in my city. Last week I went to the wrong airport to pick up a friend. I wasn't even surprised about myself when I found out.

    I hung my Halloween costume out of the window to get the weird "new" smell out. It flew away. The irony? It was a bumble bee costume. Never seen it again, someone must have picked it up. Of course I knew beforehand that it wasn't such a good idea, considering the strong wind. Of course, it was before I got to wear it.

    Nuck nuck!!!

  • Elyria

    Coming out of lurkerville to tell the story that my family still gleefully tells at least two or three times a year.

    I watched Dr Dolittle as a child, and somehow never worked out that the two-headed llama - the pushmi-pullyu - wasn't real. When I was about 15, I was helping my younger sister write an assignment that involved llamas, when something occurred to me. Because I have no mental filter, I instantly asked my mother and sister what seemed like a valid question: If a llama has two heads, how does it shit?

    It took about 10 minutes for them to work out what I was talking about, and for them to gently tell me that llamas don't have two heads, so their anatomical functions were actually pretty normal. Apparently, two-headed llamas were a fundamental part of my world view, because I was shocked and astonished.

    Scuttling back into lurkerville now.

  • TheShitWizard

    In the city where I live, many of the subways have plaques up proclaiming "Bill Posting prohibited". To my eternal shame, I wondered aloud to my boyfriend just what exactly Bill Posting had done to be kept out of the subways and how they'd know he was in there anyway...

  • Bert_McGurt

    This photo seems appropriate:

  • ZombieNurse

    I live in a town that is very involved in the space program, so when anything important happens, it becomes a pretty big deal around these parts. On February 1, 2003, I had a day off of work and had been home alone. My husband knows that I don't watch a lot of morning news programs, and when the news that the space shuttle Columbia was destroyed upon reentry hit, he called me immediately. Our conversation went thus:

    Husband: Hey, have you watched the news?
    Me: Not this morning. Why?
    Husband: We lost space shuttle Columbia.
    Me: *silence* But...how? It's huge!

    You could almost hear the look of WTF my husband was making.

    Also, one day I was driving to work and I reached up to adjust my rear view mirror. The moment my hand touched the mirror, I screamed and nearly wrecked the car because something I saw something weird reflected back at me.

    It was my thumb.

    I have many stories like this, but I don't want Pajiba to decide that I'm the commenter that has to wear the "special helmet."

  • frank247
  • Jezzer

    One day you'll relax your guard, and that's when the giant thumb in the backseat will strike.

  • Jill

    That was fantastic. Funniest thing I've read today.

  • Maguita NYC

    This made me laugh so hard!!! Especially the thumb in the mirror, for it has happened to me before.

    No worries, we'll share the helmet. Many of us will.

  • Trixie

    I don't often wear heels to work because of the time I wore a new pair of platforms. I was standing around talking to co-workers and literally fell off of them. No moving around or walking, just standing there. I spent the rest of the day listening to on of my co-workers doing re-enactments for anyone who hadn't seen it.
    I also set myself on fire at work. I used to sit with a heating pad for a sore back. One day I kept asking everyone if they smelled something burning. When I got out of my chair to go to the printer I turned around and realized "I" was burning, and my chair was smoking. When I got back from lunch that day there was a fire extinguisher on my desk and a no smoking sign on my monitor.

  • winged chorus

    Became engrossed with a bird in the middle distance whilst filling my fuel tank. Didn't realize that petrol was overflowing for a good wee while. Couldn't work out where the sound of splashing liquid was coming from.

    Turned off my phone before a movie. Got distracted by something else. Absent-midedly looked into my bag again and saw my phone was off. With slight annoyance, wondered why my phone would be off, turned it on again, put it back in the bag.

    I use earplugs in the workplace. I've walked out of work with them in and wondered why there's no sound for a few hours.

  • thenchonto

    During a conversation with my sister when I was probably 18, we got on the topic of the Evil Dead movies and she referenced S-Mart and the whole 'shop smart, shop S-Mart thing finally clicked. A year after I'd finished the series.

  • Abby

    This is fun. I have two. When I was a child I heard someone on a soap opera say they didn't drink. I spent many years thinking that there were people who didn't drink--anything. As an adult I adopted a cat over the Christmas holiday. When I returned to work, I considered for several minutes, calling the cat to see how she was doing on her first day home alone.

  • Wednesday

    I used to call my dogs all the time. We had a "room monitor" feature on my answering machine (yes, this is years ago) and by pressing the code number, you could listen to what was going on in your house while you were gone. In my defense, I wanted to make sure the dogs weren't howling the entire time I was out of my apartment.

    But every now and again, I'd get distracted and forget what I was doing, and then I'd get annoyed that no one was picking up.

  • demondoll

    This morning, my husband explained to me that stag films do not necessarily have deer.

  • chanohack

    You know that part in Aladdin when Jafar says to his bird, "I love the way your FOWL little mind works!"

    I was like, twenty-five when that one clicked. I was not watching the movie, just thinking about it. And then I laughed my head off. And then I asked a few friends if they'd ever noticed that before, which of course they had.

    ("Every kiss begins with Kay," evaded me for years, also.)

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I only a month ago realized that the character Peeta from the Hunger Games' name is a pun. Peeta the baker's son, pita the pocket bread.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I only just got that with these stories. In my defense, I've only heard the commercials for 10 years.

  • I never ever knew/realised that the word teenager came from the end of the numbers thirteen to nineteen.

    I only found out in my Chinese school class.

    I'm 21.

  • placidandy

    I once asked my American bride how come there are two Kansases, on account of how there is Kansas and Arkansas. (I literally pronounced it "Ar-Kansas")

  • Maguita NYC

    Thank you for this. I've got tears and snot running down my face, I've scared my neighbors with my howling like a loon. This has been hilarious!

  • A few years back I got outraged at a TV show showing a high school girl having consensual sex with a twentysomething married man. The plot device didn't bother me, it was that I felt it was inappropriate and unfair on the schoolgirl actress to ask her to perform that scene. Later I found out the actress was 21. I realised then that old age had crept up on me.

  • So I am standing the shutdown mechanic watch in the engine room of a carrier. My job is basically to do things, like repair crap, do pump operations, and what not. With me is the Cold Iron watch. He is just there to take logs. He ain't allowed to do anything else and its a pretty boring watch (usually by yourself for hours and hours just standing).

    So I got this new kid, standing his first watch, talking my ear off about how nervous he is. I am at a workbench, sizing up and cutting a gasket for a large valve. I tell him "Look...it ain't had down here. The important thing is to keep your head straight and always be safe. Never lose awarene...."

    As I was telling this kid to pay the fuck attention, I sliced my index finger clean off. I grab a rag and tell him to watch the box as I had to go and take care of something. He acts what and I nod to the finger laying on the workbench.

    My cold iron watch passes out. So I was stuck there for about 10 minutes, trying to kick him awake so I could walk up to medical to get my finger fixed. Thankfully ,my finger got reattached...but I sure felt stupid.

  • chanohack

    Holy shit, that's a crazy story! I used to work in the engine room too, though I only worked on one carrier (the Stennis), the rest were subs. I was one of the shipyard engineers you guys have to work with, and before I was qualified, all I did was follow around the roving watch while he took logs. Luckily, whoever was on watch was almost always bored enough to let me tag along.

  • Brooke

    I once leaned too far over a bowl of cake batter that I was mixing and caught my hair in the beaters. My waist length hair that wound around that beater all the way up to my scalp and caused the mixer to smoke. I didn't think to pull the plug, I just stood there screaming until my mother came and helped me. This happened when I was 15, I'm now 35, I still hear about it from my family at least three times a year.

  • Hazbear01

    When at college I once spent 45 minutes hunting around my bedroom for my glasses. Eventually I gave up and sat down heavilly on my bed in anger and frustration only to hear a sickening crunch as my glasses broke into a thousand tiny pieces.

    Whilst driving I once exclaimed "How wet is this rain!?"

    Once, while walking through a park with the girl who would eventually become my ex-wife I saw something in the distance which for some reason I took to be a dog riding a bike. I of course immediately pointed out this amazing spectacle to everyone within earshot. As the two wheeled canine got closer I realised that actually it was just a small woman in a red coat. I have no idea why my eyes hate me but they obviously do.

    And finally, to top off this litany of stupidity I once spent 3 hours trying to fill one of those big plastic weight things you use to weigh down parasols with sand before a kindly passing stranger suggested using water like anyone else. By that point I had tried simply pouring it from a small hole in the bag of sand, using my hands as a funnel, fashioning a funnel from some card, spooning it in and almost as a kind of flourish trying to try some of the sand out by putting it on a plate and then putting it in the microwave. Thus creating sand that was the temperature of the sun but still some how damp.

  • dizzylucy

    The dog riding a bike killed me. That would have been one of those laying on the ground, laughing until you pee moments.

  • Hazbear01

    Damn, I was trying to *dry* the sand out in the microwave not *try* it out.

  • JenVegas

    Once when I was typing up a paper for college I forgot how to spell the word "of." Couldn't for the life of me get past the idea that it was spelled o-v-e. That's really just the tip of the dumb ice burg with me. I'm sure if I really thought about it I could come up with other, more embarrassing examples but I'm too busy watching "Ghost Storm" on Syfy.

  • Jill

    Once I completely forgot how to spell the word "use" for some unknown reason. Finally, knowing it was wrong, but too pissed off at myself (and without the help of the "internets" at that time) to ask someone else, I just spelled it "yoose" and handed the damn paper in. My prof drew a small, obscene picture next to it.

  • Bodhi

    I have done that countless times & every time I do I think "am I really that dumb?" Yes, yes I am

  • funtime42

    I was well past voting age before I realized "Piglet" was called that because he was a pig - I alternate placing the blame on bad vision and learning to read before I knew what a baby pig was called...

  • Mrs. Julien

    I thought it was because he was a small pig. The baby pig thing never occurred to me. Also, the baby duck/gosling thing for Ryan Gosling did not penetrate my fog as quickly as it should have.

  • Ginger

    I once got into the shower with my bra still on. It occurred to me that my boobs felt weird while I was soaping them up. I had already washed and conditioned my hair.

  • idgiepug

    I just laughed so hard at this that I cried. My husband told me to stop eating or I would choke. That might be my moment.

    My roommate in college, though, was playing Trivial Pursuit and, as we always did, saved the sports category for last. She finally landed on the sports wedgie spot, and I pulled out the card and groaned because I KNEW she would get the question right and beat the rest of us. I can't remember the exact question, but it was something like, "In which sport does a runner advance two bases on a double?" She pondered for a long time, during which everyone around the board sighed loudly. We kept repeating the question and emphasizing BASES. Finally, she gave up, and we all yelled, "BASEball!"

    "Oooooh," she said, finally getting it. "They call it baseball because of the BASES!"

  • Ginger

    LOL. Hey idgiepug, in my defense, I was an extremely tired college student in the middle of finals. That was still pretty boneheaded, though.

  • F Robert

    When I was 13, I was being a smart-ass when a commercial for Kay Jewelers came on. Their slogan is "Every kiss begins with Kay." They say it in the jingle. I exclaim, to my older sister, no less, "Kiss doesn't begin with Kay, it begin...wait..." and seriously took a few minuted to wrap my head around what had just happened.

  • April Pastorius Wise

    I recently asked my husband why there is no such thing as raisin juice.

  • Guest

    I actually asked my husband the other day why there is no such thing as raisin juice.

    (I really have no idea why that pic is attached. Apologies. I'm new at the internet? I guess?)

  • ZombieMrsSmith

    Mr Smith still gleefully reminds me of that time during labor with our second child, that I insisted that I was not in labor, because I know what labor feels like and that I was not going to have a baby any time soon. Well, it wasn't any time soon (it took about 8 hours more) but, I was, of course definitely in labor.

  • Gavin Smith

    How does one use scissors for a coin toss?

  • Mrs. Julien

    There was a label on one side. I thought it'll be fine and tossed them. I don't know why I didn't just SPIN them (stupidity). I managed to deflect them before they impaled a student. Oh, did I mention it was while I was teaching?

  • Gavin Smith

    Ah. I like your style.

  • PDamian

    Ever since acquiring my tablet, I've accustomed myself to using touch screens as a matter of course. So far, I've pounded on the screens of the Minneapolis Light Rail ticket machines (they're push button-operated), the ATM screens of my bank (ditto), and on one memorable occasion, the monitor of my desktop PC at work ("Why won't the stupid thing wake up?"). My co-workers haven't stopped laughing at me.

  • I do stupid things all the time. It's because I live in my own version of the Matrix and try to apply third dimensional chess rules to such advanced tasks as "push to open" or "ring for service." The most common is walking past the big "Box Office" sign at a theater I'm unfamiliar with a good five or six times to make sure it's the ticket box office and not a tarp.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I just remembered another one: I was washing my feather pillows, but they wouldn't immerse properly, so I cut a tiny little hole in the corner of each one to let the air out. Just a tiny one because that couldn't cause any problem, could it? My landlord wanted to kill me. It was a new machine. Although there were many, many loose feathers, no washing machines were harmed in the making of my stupidity.

  • TheAggroCraig

    I've done the "where the hell is my tie oh yeah I'm wearing it" thing a few times. Once it was with my glasses, that one's much less forgivable. It runs in my family, though. My mother has to be the only person to ever go to a Waffle House and ask for pancakes.

  • cicatricella

    to be fair, you can get waffles at IHOP.

  • Rochelle

    My freshman year in college I realized that it was not fortuitous luck that brought the Spanish conquistadors to the Spanish speaking areas of Central and South America.

  • No Pithy Name

    As a young lad of about 6 I was playing with my cousins in their above-ground pool when it started to rain. Being quite the genius I quickly hollered, " Get under the water so we don't get wet!"

    That still comes up 40 years later.

  • Mrs. Julien

    There must have been something since the onset of puberty.

  • Natallica

    I have put the remote control into the fridge by accident more than one time. And sometimes, when I let my cellphone by the computer, I mistake it for the mouse and curse it because it doesn't work.

  • dizzylucy

    I once found my ipod in the refrigerator, after looking everywhere for it, it was there with my lunch. Unfortunately this was at work.

  • When I was 17, my parents went out of town, giving me free reign of the house. I went absolutely crazy with my freedom. As a result, I almost choked to death on a piece of reheated chicken breast while masturbating in front of the family computer. Imagine writing that obituary.

  • Maguita NYC

    Talk about choking hard!

  • Natallica

    I still admire the fact you were eating WHILE masturbating. That's some serious multitasking

  • Ley

    You gotta choke the chicken, not ON the chicken.

    Oh God, that was embarassing. I'm sorry.

  • MrFrye

    If I wrote that obituary, I would use "whilst" instead of "while". Classier that way.

  • frank247

    You, of course, will remain unloved and un-mourned if you continue being a prick on the internet.

  • frank247

    Seriously, did I really get down-voted for calling out a troll on Pajiba?

  • BustySinclair

    You have the whole house to yourself, and you choose to eat chicken and masturbate to internet porn?

    Well played, sir.

  • In my defence, I was 17 and it wasn't the only thing I did. It was one of the highlights, though. I like living dangerously.

  • googergieger

    I once met and talked with Greg Maddux my favorite pitcher of all time(well after Glavine), and it took me ten minutes after the fact to realize/be told I just met him.

  • Heather Mooney

    This is a first world screw up for sure, but at least once a day I tap the regular white board in my classroom because I think it's a Smart board.

  • PDamian

    Aargh. I do that about twice a month.

  • Onomatopeon

    Source redacted: We were watching a movie and my husband exclaimed, "Hey look! It's the black guy from The Wire!"

  • competitivenonfiction

    When I was a kid, I got my tongue stuck to an icy pole at school and my teacher had to use hot water to melt the ice and get my bloodied tongue off. Then I did it again the next day.

  • Three_nineteen

    I fall down a LOT. I fell down some stairs at my high school when I was a freshman and was carried to the office by two varsity football players. I have fallen down the stairs at both apartment complexes where I lived on the second floor, and I have fallen down the stairs at work multiple times. Needless to say, I live in a ranch house with the laundry room on the first floor.

    I also run into walls every so often and fall prey to linoleum gophers (trip over nothing).

  • Abby

    I recently (last week) slipped out of my chair at work onto the floor--in front of two co-workers who nearly choked trying not to laugh at me.

  • Rochelle

    Best immediate karma ever -a woman was making fun of me for falling out of my chair while drunk at a party the night before, and while she was laughing at me she fell out of her chair and the chair fell on her.

  • Maguita NYC

    I've missed a few chairs in my lifetime. Those shifty things just step away from under you on their own, and it doesn't help that I throw myself into a chair (always in a hurry because of all those delaying "incidents" ), instead of holding on to the arms and slowly lowering my ass down.

    The most embarrassing is when people try to ask you if you are okay, but fail miserably because of their choking on laughter.

  • chanohack

    Work sent me to San Diego to work on a project for five weeks. While I was there, I fell down the stairs six times... on six different staircases. No alcohol was involved.

  • Ash

    I've fallen up the stairs on more than one occasion - I tripped on my clown-like school shoes, which I then continued to wear for the rest of the year.

  • Maguita NYC

    Objects step in my way. Walls, cars, tables, chairs, and yes, posts on sidewalks. Especially when a cute guy is checking me out. Specifically.

    Ants have tripped me. Buses have chased me. Stairs have opted to peek-a-boo with my feet. I have become so accustomed to embarrassment that I now feel awfully uncomfortable FOR the people around me, watching my accidental life happen right in front of their eyes. So much so, that after tripping or falling I simply get up, and reassuringly touch the person nearest me and ask "are you alright? I'm really sorry!"

    Yes, I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable at my embarrassment.

    I blame this on PMSsing. But life is hard when you PMS about 28 days a month.

  • cicatricella

    ha, the linoleum gophers get me too. I am congenitally clumsy, so much so that much of my family refers to random falling down/random spilling stuff all over oneself/random breakage/etc. as "doing an Ella" (Ella=me)

    Bizarrely enough I was a professional dancer and sideshow performer for several years with no disasters or mishaps. Go figure.

  • Rochelle

    I am so know for being a clutz that When I broke my leg, my friends asked, non-sarcastically, were you walking again?

  • Three_nineteen

    Have I ever mentioned the time I fell in my own driveway and separated my shoulder?

  • Mrs. Julien

    Don't even get me started on the clutziness. A friend told me that if I died, they could identify me by the food stains on my cardigan. Also, I have a very poor spatial sense that requires trying 3 bowls before getting one the right size AND makes me terrible at parking.

  • linnyloo

    My parents are big fans of puns and plays-on-words. They came up with an inside joke before any of us were born that it'd be clever to call a dustpan a "gride" because of "gride and broom" (bride and groom). They didn't ever tell us it was a joke, just called it a "gride" from as early as I can remember, and it turns out there aren't many opportunities to ask for dustpans outside of the home (and people just don't tend to have lengthy conversations about them), so my brother and sister and I spent a painfully long time (in my case, twenty years) honestly thinking that "gride" was a regional term for dustpan.

  • TheOtherGreg

    I once reached for the soap in the shower, noticed the soap dish was empty, cursed my teenage sons for being so thoughtless, and CALLED my wife hoping she would bring me soap. Fortunately, no one heard me, because only then did I realize the soap was in my hand the whole time.

  • becks

    I asked my boyfriend if Japan is in the southern hemisphere. He still laughs about that.

    In fact, my geographical knowledge is embarrassing on the whole. For some reason I find it incredibly difficult to visualize where countries are in relation to other countries, especially in western Europe and pretty much all of Africa. Whenever those areas come up in conversation I mostly sit silently but anxiously praying that no one asks me about anything.

  • badkittyuno

    My sense of geography is horrific, too. My husband likes to quiz me about what general direction other states are in. Since we're in Texas, my usual reply is "north".

    Also on a geographical note, I once spent an entire 15 minute presentation in ninth grade pronouncing Canada as "Canadia". I knew it was wrong, I just couldn't get it to come out right.

  • Jannymac

    I'm the worst with geography too. I was planning to do focus groups for a television show, when my moderator suggested we go to Pittsburgh and I said "I don't want to go to Pennsylvania" so she said "how about Philadelphia" and I said, "OK" having absolutely no clue. We still laugh about it.

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