Who likes ticking buttons? Everyone. So Brian’s doing his pop culture tournament, and I’m doing a tournament inspired by my, Kristy’s, and Agent X’s series* of posts where we speculate in slightly disturbing detail about which fictional characters are good in bed and which suck (but not in a fun way). Day one is the Superhero and Superhero-Adjacent Characters and (adult versions of) Harry Potter Characters brackets, followed tomorrow by Star Wars characters and the Kitchen Sink category (which you, dear sunshine Pop Tarts, voted on). So you’ll have to wait until then to see which 15 characters are going to get their asses beat by Captain Tightpants.
(click to embiggen)
Remember: You’re voting for who you think is best in bed, not who you think is most attractive. Though there’s going to be a lot of overlap, of course. And sometimes there are multiple versions of different characters, and you’re going to have to go where your boner leads you. You know what? Just do what the fuck you want. I’m here for you. As long as you don’t make Batman advance to the second round. Then it’s all-out war.
Superhero and Superhero-Adjacent Characters
Peggy Carter (#1) vs Bruce Banner/The Hulk (#16)
Figurative beast in the sack (I mean, we don’t know that for sure, but c’mon) vs literal beast in the sack. Having sex with the Hulk would probably kill you, but wouldn’t it be worth it for the chance to run your fingers through Bruce Banner’s magnificent chest thatch? (Hint: Probably not.)
Iron Man (#5) vs Agent Coulson (#12)
Iron Man may know all the right moves, but he’s also a preening narcissist - would he care about your needs? But, assuming he didn’t leave mid-coitus to work in his lab, you’d probably have a pretty fun time. Can the strong and silent Coulson live up to the playboy billionaire?
Melinda May (#4) vs Superman (#13)
He’s faster than a speeding train… but do you want someone that quick in the sack? Also, if we’re talking the Cavill version of Supes, I’m pretty sure this is his o face. Melinda May is Ming-Na Wen.
Jessica Jones (#6) vs Loki (#11)
Who would you rather get down with in this battle of the broody brunettes?
Black Widow (#3) vs Batman (#14)
Anybody who votes for Batman is getting banned.
Wonder Woman (#7) vs Lois Lane (#10)
Regardless of which of these DC heroines is better in the sack, they’re both better than Batman. I know that much.
Thor (#2) vs Bucky Barnes (#15)
Thor has a golden retriever beefcake persona that doesn’t appeal to everyone, but he also has literal millennia of experience. I love Bucky, but he’s a sack of sadness. He’d jizz tears.
Harry Potter Characters (adult versions of them, ya jackasses)
Neville Longbottom (#1) vs Voldemort (#16)
Sorry for that mental image, people.
Bellatrix (#8) vs Harry Potter (#9)
Bellatrix would be mean as fuck, but hey, some people like that.
Sirius Black (#5) vs Draco Malfoy (#12)
Anyone who votes for Draco Malfoy is getting publicly shamed.
Remus Lupin (#4) vs Ron Weasley (#15)
Hand-knit sweaters… are… sexy? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Ginny Weasley (#6) vs Lucius Malfoy (#11)
Reminder: “Narcissa and Lucius have sex with the lights off, sheets unrumpled, completely soundless. And they talk about wizard taxes afterwards.”
Tonks (#3) vs Snape (#14)
SHE’S. A. LITERAL. SHAPESHIFTER.
Hermione (#7) vs McGonagall (#10)
Yeah, I seeded McGonagall above Snape and Lucius. That’s objectively correct. WHAT?!
Luna (#2) vs Dumbledore (#15)
I’m beginning to regret the direction my life has taken.