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A Very Serious Discussion of Which 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' Character Is Best In Bed

By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | January 12, 2016 | Comments ()

By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | January 12, 2016 |


Star-Wars-The-Force-Awakens-Vanity-Fair-Oscar-Isaac.png

The board would like it acknowledged that this post could have been nothing but gifs of Oscar Isaac, but we decided that would be cheating, as you all clearly want to know our opinions on whether Maz Kanata and Chewbacca have fucked.

The Oscar Isaac post is next week.

Previously in fuckery: Harry Potter, Disney villains, the Avengers, original trilogy Star Wars characters.

Spoilers ahoy!

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Rebecca: Is there any possibility we’d want to start this convo with someone who’s not Oscar Isaac? Or do we give in to the inevitable?

Agent X: Let’s get it out of the way. Otherwise this entire conversation will be us impatiently wondering when we’ll get to Oscar Isaac sexytimes.

Rebecca: I’m sitting here trying to come up with a reason why Poe wouldn’t be amazing in bed, and I got nothin’. He’s confident, he’s adventurous, he’s experienced.

Kristy: He just oozes sex.

Agent X: He’s handsome. He’s caring. He’s friendly. He’s confident. He’s adventurous. He’s experienced. A+++++++

Kristy: There’s a reason he’s launched a thousand fan art ships.

Agent X: You guys, he is the Holy Grail of sex partners. Thoughtful and dirty. Plus, Oscar Isaac is one of those actors who seems to have charisma with literally everyone.

Rebecca: The only thing I can think that might throw partners off is BB-8 hanging out there in the corner or something. Other than that, 10/10, sign me the fuck up.

Agent X: Oh, I don’t think BB-8 would judge. He’s been around. I mean, he hangs out with Poe 24/7.

Rebecca: No, but it would be weird.

Kristy: It’s like having a pet in the room. No thank you.

Agent X: BB-8 definitely knows to turn away and go into sleep mode.

Kristy: I don’t trust a bot to not record all of Poe’s pornographic goings on. Which I’m cool with, as long as it’s not me on camera.

Agent X: What! How can you accuse BB-8 of such a thing?

Rebecca: Poe grew up in the Rebellion, right? His mom was a member? So he (and BB-8) definitely know whatever the sock-on-the-door situation is.

Agent X: … I did not expect this conversation to turn so quickly into speculation about what BB-8 does while Poe is thrusting his way across the galaxy.

Kristy: “Thrusting his way across the galaxy” is all I need as a logline for a Poe spinoff. “Poe Dameron walks into the Catina, and Maz Kanata lets loose her wisdom with a witty one-liner, ‘More like Poe DAAAAAAAAAAMN-eron, amirite?”

Agent X: This sounds like the world’s best text-based RPG.

Rebecca: High five, everyone, high five.

Agent X: Low fives for Poe. All the low fives.

Rebecca: And the lowest of fives for little BB-8.

Agent X: Well, now it just sounds dirty.

Kristy: Okay, so Poe’s the best. What about his ship-mate Finn?

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Agent X: Inexperienced but enthusiastic, caring, and game.

Rebecca: ……virgin, right? Not to get into Captain America territory again.

Kristy: I don’t think he is! I suspect Stormtrooper barracks are like sleepaway camp. There’s got to have been cadet fumblings.

Agent X: Fumblings, sure. I’m picturing like second base shit.

Rebecca: Hmm, that makes sense. We know from the novelization that none of his fellow stormtroopers really like him. So maybe he has some experience, but not a ton, and I’d hazard a guess that the experience he has wasn’t particularly good.

Kristy: He’s not experienced. But eager.

Rebecca: I see him as a bit nervous, too.

Agent X: But. He’s incredibly caring, even to people he doesn’t know that well yet. He’s up for anything and fast on his feet, as evidenced by his quick thinking throughout the movie. And he’s a little flirty, like when he asks Rey if she has a boyfriend. He’s got some confidence. Not nearly as much as he tries to pretend he does, but he’ll grow into it. He’s like A New Hope-era Han Solo in that way, I guess, but even less experienced probably.

Rebecca: You know what I decided about Finn? This is not necessarily related to sexytimes, BTW.

Agent X: Then what is it even doing in this conversation?

Rebecca: He is the Neville Longbottom of the Star Wars universe.

Agent X: You don’t think Finn could think dirty? I think Finn could think dirty.

Rebecca: I mean in the way that he is scared shitless like 98% of the time but powers through and does the brave thing anyway.

Kristy: He’s totally the Neville. Take his hand. Lead him.

Agent X: But my thing with Neville was that I didn’t think he deserved an A+ because I thought he’d be game, but not necessarily creative/dirty enough on his own. And I think Finn is. Or will be, once Poe is through with him.

Kristy: POE CAN BE HIS YODA!

Rebecca: NO, NOT THAT MENTAL IMAGE THANK YOU.

Agent X: … Did Yoda fuck Luke when I wasn’t looking?

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Kristy: I mean like his sexual Yoda. I don’t think Yoda was into whiney Jedi wannabes.

Agent X: Do you enjoy putting “sexual” and “Yoda” in the same sentence right next to each other like that?

Kristy: It seems I do!

Agent X: I thought you were the one who was very anti-Yoda in our other Star Wars sex post!

Kristy: I don’t want to bang Yoda.

Rebecca: ….sounds like something someone who wants to bang Yoda would say.

Rebecca: I can see Poe being Finn’s sexual Yoda. And I can see Poe being excited about it, too. Like “Yay, buddy, we’re gonna have so much fun! I’m gonna draw you graphs.”

Agent X: Graphs? You think Poe draws graphs? Sounds like a bonerkiller, tbh.

Kristy: I’m with Agent X. Whhhhhhy do graphs come into this?

Rebecca: Graphs are sexy.

Agent X: No, they are not.

Kristy: We’ve unearthed Bex’s secret fetish. And it is way nerdier than I’d have ever imagined.

Rebecca: Don’t you kinkshame me.

Agent X: I’m imagining Poe banging someone and then whipping out an Excel graph on posterboard with a laser pointer. To give his partner feedback. And it is terrible.

Rebecca: Does he make BB-8 keep an Excel spreadsheet of all his partners’ sexual preferences?

Agent X: No.

Rebecca: OK, but are you sure?

Agent X: He remembers. And is good at pretending to when he doesn’t.

Rebecca: I’m just saying that Poe is an ace fighter pilot, so he has an analytical mind.

Agent X: No, I think Poe is the kind of guy who goes on instinct. He doesn’t strike me as a sexual Nate Silver. Not that Nate Silver isn’t sexual, if you’re listening, Nate Silver! I’m sure you’re aces. But you know what I mean.

Kristy: “A sexual Nate Silver.” That’s… my brain is lost now.

Agent X: SO SEXUAL YODA IS OKAY BUT SEXUAL NATE SILVER ISN’T. BIGOTS. The lot of you. BIGOTS.

Rebecca: OK, OK. Rey?

Kristy: We’ve gone so off the rails.

Rebecca: Or have we gone off the Rey-ls?

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Kristy: I do think Rey is a virgin.

Agent X: I don’t get the impression Rey has ever had much personal contact of any kind. So yes, probably a virgin. It doesn’t seem like she has any friends or acquaintances.

Kristy: She seems to be the only human her age on Jakku, and everyone we see her interact with is hostile. So, by environment, she’s a late bloomer.

Agent X: But, you guys, Rey is good at literally everything. So I’m sure she’d be great!

Rebecca: She totally soaks up new experiences, if that’s not weird phrasing to use in this context. She’s enthusiastic and learns on the fly.

Agent X: But, okay, in seriousness: I think she probably hasn’t given sex much thought before. Why would she? There is no one hot on Jakku.

Kristy: And she doesn’t seem into Finn sexually. So I don’t think she’s had her sexual awakening.

Rebecca: She’s gonna meet Poe and it’s gonna be like boom. Puberty. There it is.

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Kristy: In that way she will be like a lot of tween girls seeing the movie now, I reckon. “I don’t know what this feeling is…but more of this now.”

Agent X: I think once her life gets better and she meets more people, she’ll be… maybe kind of timid at first, but a fast learner. She seems adventurous, and she’s good at stuff, and she has the Force.

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Kristy: She’s got great instincts. So I think she’ll be a natural.

Agent X: I can see Rey and Finn becoming romantically involved, but I think on her side it’d be a friendship that turns romantic/sexual. I don’t think she is immediately sexually attracted to him. (I don’t think it would occur to her.)

Kristy: I don’t think she is into Finn.

Rebecca: I think she could get there, though. There was other shit going on that required her attention. And friendships turn into romances all the time.

Kristy: I’m saying that as their relationship blossoms (because it has to, right?), she’ll be able to handle it. And much better than he does.

Agent X: So in sum: Rey, like Finn, is inexperienced but willing to learn - and probably a faster study than Finn. Yes? Do you guys think she is capable of having a dirty mind, though? I actually do not.

Kristy: I don’t.

Rebecca: No, I don’t see that. She’s the literal embodiment of the light side. All purity and goodness.

Agent X: She’s like a Hermione, but probably more fun.

Kristy: But when you’re starting out, sex is exciting enough. You don’t need to bother with much kink. She’ll be fine.

Agent X: I think she might have to be eased into kinks a bit. Not that she’d be judgmental or upset, but possibly a little confused.

Kristy: I think she could take to them, though, just as she has the whole of the universe and the fact that the things she thought where mythic tales are true. “What’s this about? Oh… I see.” Not natural kinky, but GGG (good, giving, and game).

Agent X: Yeah. I don’t think kink or dirty talk or power play or whatever would come (ha ha) naturally to her, but I think she’d be up for it if it makes her partner happy.

Rebecca: Are we ready to open the can of worms that is Kylo Ren?

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Agent X: Yes. Let’s do it. But not with him, because he obviously sucks in bed.

Rebecca: Draco Malfoy, basically? Cries during sex?

Agent X: Yep. You guys, our The Force Awakens sex post is basically turning into our Harry Potter sex post redux, with more BB-8 talk.

Rebecca: I think Kylo Ren doesn’t necessarily have as much ego as Draco does, though? Like, he sucks, but he knows he sucks, and he’s bitter and emo about it. Kylo Ren has a lot of anime body pillows.

Kristy: Oh, God. He’d be a trainwreck in bed. He hates himself so much. No fun.

Rebecca: Do you think he’s even teachable?

Kristy: Not at this stage. He only knows hate-fucking and comes with the speed he loses his cool.

Agent X: I don’t think he could ever be truly good. Too much angst, too much conflict, too many hangups, too much possibility that he’ll be unable to get it up and just go whip out his lightsaber and slash up your entire room.

Kristy: That janky lightsaber carries heavy symbolism. Guy has no focus.

Rebecca: …Kristy, he has three dicks? One normal dick, and two mini-dicks?

Kristy: You’re taking this two literally. Too… no. I stand by “two.”

Agent X: You guys, that explains so much. Imagine if you had to go through life feeling so different. Imagine going to the YMCA swimming pool locker room as a kid and realizing that you’re the only one with a three-pronged dick. Imagine the other kids making fun of you.

Rebecca: How do you wear pants, first off?

Agent X: It’s so sad!

Kristy: No wonder he’s so angry and prefers robes.

Agent X: Oh my God, no wonder he is so warped.

Rebecca: Someone call JJ Abrams and tell him we’ve cracked the secret code.

Kristy: We’ve truly uncovered Ben Solo’s greatest shame: Trident dick.

Agent X: I feel like I finally get Kylo Ren in a way I never have before.

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Rebecca: I think he and Hux have hate-fucked. No takebacks, it’s happened.

Kristy: I don’t think he’d even hate-fuck Hux, though.

Agent X: I don’t think Ben and Hux have hate-fucked. That’s Emo Kylo Ren nonsense.

Rebecca: I get the sense that they’ve known each other for a while, though. Since they were not young, but younger.

Agent X: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean they’ve fucked. There are many people I have known for years and somehow restrained from fucking.

Rebecca: I can’t prove that it happened. I have no evidence. But I know it in my soul.

Kristy: I’d be more willing to believe Poe and Kylo have banged than Hux and Kylo.

Agent X: Ooh, that I can kind of see?

Rebecca: I buy Poe and Kylo. They had to have known each other, right?

Agent X: Poe and Leia seem to be BFFs. Maybe Kylo was jealous!

Rebecca: Poe was the all-star jock, Ben was the greasy-faced nerd. The fanfic writes itself.

Kristy: OMG I want their Breakfast Club now. Rey is Molly Ringwald.

Kristy: I’d wager Hux is the submissive in a BDSM kink. But it wouldn’t be fun for him with Kylo, because Kylo is always going around his helmet anyway. (That’s a Spaceballs reference. You’re welcome.)

Rebecca: Does Kylo take off his helmet for sex? Does he take off everything but the helmet?

Agent X: Can Kylo even get hard without his helmet on?

Kristy: Ugh. That depresses me. The thought of him fucking with that helmet on.

Agent X: That’s too bad. Kylo does have amazing hair.

Rebeca: He wears the cape, too, one time, and he can’t figure why his partner starts laughing at him. He pens an angry LJ entry about it.

Kristy: A cape that long with be a hazard in sex. It’d make it hard to switch positions. You’d get it stuck in your crack. I bet you’d have to get it dry cleaned. Ugh. Turnoffs all around.

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Agent X: Let me remind everyone here that we were very pro-Space Cape when it came to Lando. Double standard?

Rebeca: All roads lead back to Lando’s sweet space cape.

Kristy: His was short. Not prohibitively long.

Agent X: I like the idea that Lando kept his space cape short to better facilitate fucking.

Kristy: I take that back. Lando’s was longer than I remember. Maybe it’s just that it moved like an extension of his body, so I’d buy he could handle it in bed.

Agent X: I figured Lando was probably just on his back. Or standing. Standing would also work.

Rebecca: Lando could handle a space cape. Poe could handle a space cape. Kylo would get his three-pronged dick caught in it and have to call Captain Phasma to rescue him.

Agent X: So Kylo, obviously terrible, but mayyyyyyyyybe teachable if he lets the Light Side in? Is that the consensus?

Rebecca: I’d give it 10-15% chance of him not sucking in the future (figuratively). Maybe Episode VIII will improve those chances, but for now I don’t see it.

Kristy: I know too little about Kylo. But it could be like Adam Driver on Girls. Season 1 - Adam was repulsive. By season something (I don’t know which), I was into him. It’s Adam Driver’s superpower.

Agent X: Well, Adam Driver does exude a weird magnetism. Sexual or otherwise.

Agent X: He could probably get someone to hit that. And then feel terribly conflicted about it and give them a terrible experience like in that one controversial episode of Girls starring Shiri Appleby, only more awful.

Kristy: Speaking of Phasma: In my headcanon she’s got those Gwendoline Christie gams and so slays in bed as she does strutting.

Agent X: Well, she literally has the same legs, so sure.

Rebecca: I honestly don’t feel like we know enough about Phasma? Except for “she looks awesome and is Gwendoline Christie,” which, fine. But that kind of thinking led people to idolize Boba Fett even though he sucks.

Kristy: But her body language exudes confidence.

Rebecca: ……Eh? I mean, we get very basic body language from that hulking suit she’s in. She’s confident when it comes to her job, but IDK if that really says too much about her sexual abilities. We need more of a data sample.

Agent X: She seems… competent. But I don’t get the sense that that character (or really most Dark Side/First Order characters) is really all that into joy.

Kristy: An intense fuck is what she’d give you. She’s Hux’s dominatrix. This is my canon.

Agent X: She doesn’t seem particularly intense to me, actually! Even when Han and Finn corner her she’s just like, *sigh*.

Rebecca: She was more “ugh, you’re dumb and gonna regret this” than “I’M GONNA KILLL YOOOOOOUUUUUU.”

Agent X: She’s not like “DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR!!! I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP!!!!!!” Instead it’s “Ugh. Well, today sucks.”

Rebecca: She probably does kickboxing in her spare time. She has a hobby. Maybe she keeps bonsai plants.

Kristy: ~Shipping Hux and Phasma, can’t hear you naysayers~

Agent X: You just want Domhnall Gleeson and Gwendoline Christie to fuck. That’s different.

Rebecca: I do agree that Hux is a sub, though.

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Agent X: Mmm.
I meant that as agreement.
Not as “MMMMM YEAH”
Although…. he does look like Domhnall Gleeson. So maybe I also did mean it the other way.

Kristy: Hux and Anastasia Steele, the great submissives of 2015.

Agent X: Wait, who was it that thought Kylo and Hux fucked?

Rebecca: Me.

Agent X: Aren’t they both probably subs?

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Agent X: Who would even lead in that scenario!? It would have to be Snoke!

Rebecca: They have slapfights over who gets to sub. One of them says Snoke’s name during orgasm and it gets reaalll weird.

Kristy: I think if Kylo could loosen up enough to have sex, he’d relish a sub role. Let that anger and need to control go, baby. And lick Captain Phasma’s chrome boot!

Agent X: Kylo says Vader’s name during orgasm, and it gets really weird.

Kristy: GRAAAANDPAAAAAA!

Rebecca: “No, no, I said…Spader. Yeah. James Spader.

Agent X: Snoke’s gotta be a dom, right? There’s a lot of talk of Snoke “seducing” Ben in the movie. I was like, real weird choice of words there, Ma.

Rebecca: Fucking Snoke with his fucking holographic dick. I don’t know and I don’t care. I mean, ugh, yes, he seems to be a little too far up his own ass re: power, so I can se him being assertive.

Kristy: We don’t even know what Snoke is. Like he could be a little man behind a hologram curtain.

Agent X: If his fantasy life involves being literally larger than life, he seems like a dom.

Rebecca: Like in that Halloween episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where the big reveal is that the demon is very small.

Kristy: Snoke doesn’t engage my sexual imagination at all. He’s the Hawkeye.

Rebecca: I’m going to hazard a wild guess that, dom though he may be, he’s not good in bed.

Agent X: No, obviously not.

Rebecca: I do like that apparently the Star Wars universe has gotten a lot kinkier in the 30 years since Return of the Jedi. Doms and subs all over the place.

Agent X: Just among the Dark Side! We haven’t assigned dom-hood or sub-hood to any of the Light Side characters. (Poe is definitely whatever you want him to be.)

Kristy: They don’t seem to fit it. Maybe General Leia.

Rebecca: Maz Kanata is a dom. 😉 😉 😉

Agent X: Totally.

Kristy: Chewie is her sub?

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Agent X: Oh my. I don’t think Chewie is a sub. He has too much of a temper. She would have to literally climb that like a tree.

Rebecca: Have Chewie and Maz gotten down?

Kristy: I feel like she’s more into him than he is into her. So, I doubt it.

Agent X: I think Maz is just, like, jokingly flirty with him. I don’t know that they’ve fucked.

Kristy: She’s a dirty old woman. Hitting on the hot young mens who come her way. I like her spunk.

Agent X: Yesssss. She also likes spunk.


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Kristy: Oops. Not that way.

Rebecca: OK, so Maz hasn’t fucked Chewie, but she’d still be pretty good? Experienced, definitely. If we came to the conclusion that Yoda is, or at least was, good in bed, I can’t see how we can’t say that’s also true of Maz. She runs a damn bar, after all. She ain’t shy.

Agent X: I bet she was epic in her day. She knows what she wants and goes for it without apology.

Kristy: I think of Maz like Betty White. She got wild in her day, and as far as she’s concerned, her day is not over.

Agent X: Yeah. Maz Kanata, the Betty White of the Star Wars universe. Maz was definitely A Broad. She would be one of those ladies who maybe isn’t the most traditionally beautiful girl at the bar, but who captures everyone’s attention and without fail manages to bag the hottest one at the end of the night. I bet Yoda wanted to hit that and she wouldn’t let him.

Kristy: He’s not her type. She likes her men tall, dark and hairy.

Agent X: He wasn’t tall enough for her and she admitted to her friends that she also thinks his refusal to use proper grammar is annoying.

Rebecca: “Judge me by my size, do you? The motion of the ocean it is, yesssss.”

Agent X: Why, Rebecca, why?

Kristy: You made me picture Yoda dick.

Agent X: How many prongs does it have?

Rebecca: Is it retractable?

Agent X: Like a pen?

Rebecca: Is it secretly as long as his entire body? Can he literally walk on it like a third leg?

Kristy: Shut up I hate you both.

Agent X: For real, though, you guys, wouldn’t it be so much better for penises if they were retractable?

Rebecca: And then it would just SPROING out?

Agent X: I hope it’s accompanied by a clicking noise, also like a pen.

Kristy: With that sound: SPROING!

Rebecca: BOING-OING-OING-OING-OING.

Kristy: There’d be no manspreading on the subway!

Agent X: I mean, Yoda’s non-euphemistic lightsaber is as long as anyone else’s. Is his euphemistic one as well?

Rebecca: Are we going to cast votes as to who has the longest dick in the Star Wars universe? Because TBH I feel like this is where that conversation is going…

You heard the woman. Vote in the comments!


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