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A Serious Discussion of Which Avenger Is Best in Bed

By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Marvel Movies | October 9, 2015 | Comments ()

By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Marvel Movies | October 9, 2015 |


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It was only a matter of time before Kristy, Agent X, and I—your enigmatic, sophisticated, completely mature experts on the subject of fictional character fornication (previously: Harry Potter, Disney villains)—got around to the Avengers. With bonus Loki, because we do depend on the Internet to pay the bills. And Ultron, because James Spader. Another Marvel character sex post is a possibility, if we haven’t worn out our welcome this time around with our discussion of bagelfucking.

Rebecca: Let’s start with Captain America. To get it out of the way: What percent chance does he have of being a virgin? I’m rocking an 80, 85.

Agent X: 80 percent.

Kristy: I totally understand the “Boy Scouts wouldn’t do it” argument. But war! He totally boned while he was overseas. Whether Peggy or some good night gal.

Rebecca: *cough*Bucky*cough*

Agent X: When would he have had time to do it with Peggy?! Did they even kiss before he went flying off to get Capsicled?

Kristy: How long do you think it takes to bone?

Rebecca: Wait, wait, I know this one. 30, 35 seconds?

Agent X: Also, Kristy, that is not a percentage.

Kristy: I’m bad at maths.

Agent X: NOPE. That’s a cop-out. PERCENTAGE, LADY.

Rebecca: I don’t buy the random war lay thing. He’d set his sights on Peggy at that point. It was British or bust. Or preferentially British and bust if you know what I mean, eh eh eh.

Agent X: I think Steve Rogers would only have sex with someone he cared about, at least for the first time. So that rules out, what, pretty much everyone but Bucky and Peggy?

Kristy: Okay, fine. Assuming (you asses) he is a virgin - how is he?

Agent X: Bad, because no one is good the first time.

Rebecca: Did you say “ASSES”?

Kristy: Well played, Pahle.

Agent X: Ah, now this feels like a MCU sex talk.

Rebecca: Thanks, I had that queued up. Now, assuming a universe where he has a moderate level of experience - he’ be considerate, that’s for sure.

Agent X: Sigh. Look. He’s obviously the Neville of the MCU. Kind, considerate, GGG [that’s Good, Giving, and Game], and not nearly dirty enough.

Rebecca: I see him lighting a lot of scented candles.

Kristy: I’d say Cap would bring his enthusiasm to it, which helps. And he’d bring dat CapAss. So, sold.

Agent X: It is certainly possible to have terrible sex with an attractive, enthusiastic person. There’s … more to it than that.

Kristy: I’m not suggesting you dedicate yourself to CapASS forever. But no matter how inexperienced, I bet that ass could get you there. That ass says good thrusting.

Agent X:…. no. Do you think everyone with a good butt is good at sex?

Kristy: LOOK AT THAT GIF!

Rebecca: Moving on to AgentXVille: The Hulk.

Agent X: He goes up a full letter grade just for that resplendent chest hair.

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Agent X: However. Can he have sex without hulking out?

Rebecca: I am fairly sure it was established as canon in the Norton Hulk that he cannot bone for heart rate reasons. He and Liv Tyler get hot and heavy (in between her moan-whispering Bruuuuuce), and then he gets all angsty over how he can’t pop a boner without hulking. Maybe something tantric would work?

Agent X: … Then again. Maybe that means he’s only giving. Lots of oral, asks for nothing in return.

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Kristy: Agent X and I have talked about whether the Hulk can have sex before. Spoilers: she has a lot of thoughts on this.

Rebecca: I feel like Agent X goes up to random strangers on the street and asks them about the Hulk’s ability to fuck.

Agent X: Please, they’re all wondering the same thing. I’m just the one brave enough to bring it up.

Rebecca: Agree re: oral. I think he’d feel guilty and insecure about his lack of ability to go full bonetown, so he’d offer oral sex all the time.

Agent X: Resplendent chest hair, tons of oral, asks for nothing in return. Love it.

Rebecca: I also feel like the Hulking thing would make him not incredibly inventive, because he’d be nervous about killing someone with his dick.

Agent X: True. And I mean. You are taking a genuine risk.

Kristy: But is that alluring? The risk?

Rebecca: NOPE.

Agent X: But then you just stroke his chest hair and assure him that it’s okay, and that he’s amazing.

Kristy: “The sun’s getting mighty low, buddy.”

Agent X: You know what, though? I’m not sure he’d actually be that great a boyfriend. He’s too angsty.

Rebecca: Very emotionally closed-off. I mean, we saw it in Ultron - he’s just not used to being in one place, with the same people, for any length of time. He gets skittish. Definite insecurity, sexual and otherwise. So if Cap is the Neville, Hulk is the Lupin.

Agent X: Did you guys ever see that Avengers Family Feud video? Captain America, for one, thinks “in bed” is “THE BEST PLACE” to Hulk out.

Rebecca: CHRISTOPHER.

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Rebecca: Hawkeye. I legit do not know whether we know enough about MCU Hawkeye’s personality to make this call. What do we know about him? He’s snarky sometimes, he has a lot of phone sex with Linda Cardellini probably.

Agent X: I’m having a hard time separating Jeremy Renner’s dickishness, and the Matt Fraction comic book Hawkeye, from the MCU Hawkeye. Mostly because MCU Hawkeye is such a non-entity. Ultron kind of just piles stuff (a family) on top of him, but there’s still nothing actually there.

Kristy: My perspective on this is tainted by dumb dumb Renner comments.

Rebecca: All I can think is “Hawkeye Initiative! He must be flexible!”

Kristy: I think he’s weirdly cocky (Hawkeye, not Renner), so he’d think he’s all that in bed. But really, meh at best.

Agent X: I think he’s probably fine. Not good, not bad. He seems nice, he seems to love his wife, she seems to like him, they have multiple children. He’s clearly getting a passing grade at least.

Rebecca: Hawkeye has had sex at least three times!

Agent X: God, Hawkeye is such a non-entity that we can’t even think of anything to say about his sexiness other than “I mean, he’s probably fine.”

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Agent X: I do feel like I should point out that Hawkeye also has a great butt, though, for Kristy’s sake. Remember when he was flexing in Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation?

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Kristy: That was a totally different Renner role.

Agent X: So? Do you think his butt magically changes between roles?

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Agent X: Black Widow is probably great at sex. It’s probably her job to be. Not to be sexist and assume that lady spies can only be sexy lady spies, but I can’t imagine the Black Widow program would be past that.

Kristy: So she’s good as a partner. My hope is that she’s made her own pleasure part of her mission.

Rebecca: Do we think she, like Bruce, has a hard time emotionally connecting?

Agent X: Yes.

Kristy: And fucking both is a deadly proposition.

Agent X: Fucking both is asking to die. But oh, what a way to go.

Rebecca: Do we think Black Widow would be able to convince Hulk to try something a little freaky? Because I think she might.

Agent X: I think she is great at persuasion. It’s literally part of her job.

Rebecca: But on the other hand. Now that I think about it.
With someone she really likes, maybe she’d be careful not to bring her spy shit into the bedroom?

Agent X: I’m not saying she’d be cold and calculated to get what she wants from her boyfriend. I’m saying she’s just good at being persuasive.

Rebecca: I mean, I can see her doing some Olympic medal freaky shit, but I can also see her and Bruce chilling out in bathrobes with tea and backrubs because they’re both so fucked up and they just want to be able to relax around each other. Like, her not necessarily wanting to push it, if that makes sense? I see her being very respectful of people’s boundaries.

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Agent X: Oh, I see. No, I don’t think she’s necessarily into heavy kink. But I think as a normal person she might just enjoy some experimenting, and he might be a bit skittish.

Kristy: For them though risk is intimacy, not kink.

Agent X:… How about Ultron? Any good?

Rebecca: He’s JAMES SPADER. Of course he’e good.

Agent X: Yes, but he’s James Spader as a robot.

Rebecca: HE’S
JAMES
SPADER.

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Agent X:…..how about Vision, then?

Kristy: I’d say too cerebral, but I know he was with Scarlet Witch in the comics.

Rebecca: Which makes the fact that he can morph his body at will very interesting.

Agent X: Vision actually seems like he could be pretty good at sex, mostly because he seems like he’s pretty good at most things.

Kristy: I don’t see him being passionate tho. He’s super chill.
How fun could that be?

Agent X: I mean, you’d have to enjoy having kind of cerebral, tantric, Olympic medal sex instead of visceral, animal sex. But if that does it for you, I bet he’s pretty GGG! He seems suuuuuper open-minded.

Rebecca: ….he can literally form his body into anything his partner wants. Literally. Anything. He conjured a cape out of nowhere. The genitalia possibilities are endless. I’m just saying, I think there are benefits.

Kristy: But I don’t think his face would ever look excited. That’d be a lady-boner killer. But I guess if the lights were off, I could get past it.

Agent X: I think he could look excited and affectionate. Not, like, o-face excited, but, you know, happy to be there.

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Agent X: Does Vision even have an O-face? Does Vision, you know, cum?

Rebecca: “Buffering… buffering…. buffering…”

Agent X: Oh God, I imagine that little rainbow wheel popping up as he’s coming. His face goes blank and just turns into the rainbow wheel.

Kristy: Spinny wheel of buffering is a definite buzzkill.

Agent X: No, man! It’s sweet. It means he is having a great time. Don’t judge the man for having an unusual o-face.

Kristy: I totally will judge that and you can’t stop me!

Agent X: Okay, first of all.
In this scenario, you are already having sex with a… something, made out of, like, a robot and a space rock.
He is bright purple-red and has a Troll gem on his head.
And it’s the rainbow wheel you can’t get past?

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Rebecca: Well you’d never be sure if he’d come out of it, would you?
“Where’s the power button?” “Is there a hard reset on this thing”

Agent X: Oh, God, you mean like if he just crashed? I think that’d be okay. I bet he does have a hard reset button. It’s fine.

Rebecca: There’s a clitoris joke in there somewhere.

Kristy: How do you reboot him?

Agent X: Probably by pressing the gemstone.Why put something that looks like a power button on his forehead if it’s not a power button?

Rebecca: Do you get a low battery warning?

Agent X: No, he’s not powered by battery. Listen to yourself, what a ridiculous thing to say.

Rebecca: MOVING ON. I would like it to be known that the other day Agent X and I determined that Tony Stark would be the most likely Avenger to fuck a bagel. I just want to put that out there.

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Agent X: Well, that’s just true.

Kristy: ….Why would anyone fuck a bagel? What am I missing?

Agent X: You know at some point he got wasted, saw a tray of bagels from the last Stark Industries board meeting still sitting out, and just thought it’d be hilarious to put a bagel on his cock.

Kristy: Oh, yeah. That totally makes sense to me.

Agent X: Depending on when this was, he probably called Pepper over and tried to get her to eat it off of him. She probably declined.

Kristy: And then he snickered when an employee later unknowingly ate that seeded bagel.

Agent X: I guessed it would be an everything bagel. And that it’d actually leave his dick kind of tender, ‘cause it would scrape that shit up.

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Rebecca: Given the unassailable fact that Tony would be into kinky shit, do we think Pepper’s ever pegged him?

Kristy: Yes. No question.

Agent X: I would not even be that surprised if it turns out there’s an emergency ass dildo built into the Iron Man suit.

Kristy: I think Tony sees being that comfortable with his body as totally macho.

Agent X: Mmmmm…… I was gonna disagree because of RDJ’s height thing, but Tony Stark doesn’t seem insecure.

Kristy: I don’t think he is. I do think he’s convinced himself that pegging makes him even more the man.

Agent X: Fine. Do we think Tony Stark has lifts in his shoes then?

Kristy: I think he’s fine being nipple-high to Pepper.

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Rebecca: And the last of the original MCU avengers: Thor.

Kristy: I mean, bring the thunder.

Rebecca: He’s millennia old, so while I don’t necessarily think he’s a horndog, he’s had a lot of experience regardless. Even one lay a century still adds up.

Agent X: I think Thor would be good in bed! He seems game for anything. He’s probably fucked enough people that he’s got a lot of experience and isn’t fazed by unusual stuff.

Kristy: Thor has totally sewn wild royal oats, so he’s got experience. He’s got body-ody-ody, and a sense of playfulness.

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Rebecca: I see him being enthusiastic but not necessarily skilled?
Better than average, certainly, but not a God (ba-doom-ching).He’s the king’s son. Women are more likely to fake it.

Agent X: Oh, I don’t know. He’s been fucking for, like, literal millennia. Even if he’s an extremely slow learner, he has more sexual experience than most people will have in four lifetimes.

Rebecca: I agree! He’s good. Better-than-good. But I’m just saying. He’s not as good as someone with thousands of years of fucking experience could be.

Agent X: God, you are demanding! “I’m not saying you’re bad, Thor. I’m saying you fuck like a man with five centuries of experience instead of five millennia. And that’s not great. C minus.”

Rebecca: I’m not grading on a curve, here!

Kristy: There’s a dick joke in there somewhere.

Agent X: That makes me sad for Thor. He’s probably trying!

Kristy: But how does he compare to Loki?

Rebecca: Loki pulls a Draco and starts crying halfway through. Or sneering.

Agent X: Though Loki is a shapeshifter. He could make the rainbow wheel happen if you were into it.

Kristy: His move is hate fucking. And I’m fine with that.

Agent X: Yep. Well… if he’s emotionally invested.

Rebecca: I can’t see him getting emotionally invested in anyone in a way that isn’t characterized by angst.
He jizzes pain.

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