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A Serious Discussion of Which 'Harry Potter' Characters Are Best In Bed

By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | September 1, 2015 | Comments ()

By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | September 1, 2015 |


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What is says in the title. Join Rebecca and Kristy—and the mysterious Agent X, making a Pajiba cameo—as we discuss how various Harry Potter characters would be in the sack. Look, it’s the week before Labor Day. Nothing’s going on. We have to make our own fun.

DISCLAIMER: For the purposes of this post, all the characters are in their post-Hogwarts incarnations. As in, post-book, epilogue-era, everyone’s an adult, Draco is balding, Neville’s turned hot professor, and Harry seriously named a kid “Albus Severus.” There was some dissent as to whether we were discussing young McGonagall (because Maggie Smith, y’all) or series-era McGonagall (because you know she still gets it), so the official verdict on that one is “whatever kits your cat.”

Let us begin with a potentially controversial verdict.

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Rebecca: Regarding Snape: The greasiness is never good, and he’d spend the whole time sobbing about Lily. You’d be lucky to get him to take off his fedora. He’d be awful.

Agent X: Metaphorical fedora.

Rebecca: Metaphorical fedora, real burden.

Kristy: As much Rickman rocks my lions, I think you’re right. Snape is so shut down/in love in a ghost, he’d never be much fun.

Rebecca: Ah Rickman, rocking those lions.

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Agent X: I also suspect Snape would be too repressed to really be fun.

Rebecca: Yeah, those decades of being a double agent wouldn’t be conducive to cutting loose.

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Kristy: I can’t even imagine Voldemort having sex. Probably because his face looks like the one Jamie Dornan makes before begrudgingly going down on Anastasia in 50 Shades of Grey.

Agent X: Me either. Or do we mean Tom Riddle? I can imagine Tom Riddle having sex.

Rebecca: Is Voldemort fifty shades of fucked up?

Kristy: Totes.

Rebecca:I do not remember this face of his and I don’t want to rewatch 50 Shades to remind myself.

Kristy: The face is essentially cross between “what’s that weird smell” and “but I don’t want to clean my room.”

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Agent X: You know who is probably terrible? Pettigrew.

Kristy: I’m assuming Pettigrew’s a virgin. Unless you count rat humping. I suspect his sex life is very solitary. Like lots of voyeurism courtesy of being able to be a rat

Agent X: Yeah, but he probably has had sex. He’s probably not experienced, though.

Rebecca: He might have gotten some tail (heh) in Hogwarts by virtue of being friends with James and Sirius.

Agent X: True. James and Sirius basically seemed to be living a magic high school version of Entourage.

Rebecca: And Sirius was good pre-Azkaban, but Azkaban left him impotent. I will not budge on that. Dementors cause impotence.

Kristy: You think incurably impotent, though?

Rebecca: There wasn’t a lot of time between Azkaban and when he died, and it was mostly living in his own personal hell. Maybe it would have gone away eventually, but it probably would’ve taken more time and better circumstances.

Kristy: Young Sirius I imagine like Errol Flynn: Lots of girls, little care for their pleasure, no remorse.

Rebecca: James Potter has no clue what the fuck he is doing in bed, and Lily finds it kind of endearing.

Agent X: Ugh. All the girls in the HP verse date down.
James is a bit of a cocky asshole.
Just not as much as Sirius.

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Agent X: Of the Marauders, I feel like Lupin would be the best, then Sirius, then James, then Peter.

Rebecca: To quote Silicon Valley, Lupin is the who guy fucks.

Kristy: You’re assuming this because he gets with Tonks?

Rebecca: He’s a werewolf, Kristy.

Agent X: He’s got animal instincts! I love it.

Kristy: But being a werewolf, I assume he’d have intimacy issues. Wouldn’t be much for cuddling.

Agent X: OK, but the assignment isn’t “How good are these people at cuddling?” It’s “How good are they at fucking?” Right?

Kristy: So wham bam, peace out I got to howl at the moon is still “good in bed?” That’s not sticking the landing.

Rebecca: But his fear of being found out and/or getting too into it may have made him too cautious in bed. The fear of his “inner beast,” etc.

Agent X: Here’s what I think.
I think he would be good in bed, and I think he would cuddle.
He seems like a warm, caring, and affectionate person.
I agree he has intimacy issues, but I suspect they probably come into play later, like when you’re in an actual relationship with him.

Kristy: I think he was good with Tonks. But I think you’d have to put the relationship work in to get a good lay out of him. Otherwise, yeah, he’d fear his beast and be timid and shut down.

Agent X: I think Lupin seems intelligent and open-minded, so he’d be up for trying new things.

Rebecca: So good one-night stand fuckery, bad relationship fuckery because trust and intimacy issues come into play?

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Rebecca: But Lockhart would definitely be the worst, caring-for-her-pleasure-wise.

Kristy: Lockhart thinks the clit is a muggle myth.

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Agent X: Harry’s probably middle of the road.

Rebecca: I imagine him jokingly boasting about being the Chosen One, and Ginny hexing his business.

Kristy: I will add, based on his Snitch-catching, that I bet he’d be good with his mouth. And earnest, because isn’t he always?

Rebecca: That’s fair. But does he have the concentration?

Kristy: To be fair, he’s probably gotten enough concussions that you’d have to excuse lack of focus.

Rebecca: Ron: Better or worse than Harry?

Agent X: Better.

Kristy: Worse. Come on. Ron is good at exactly nothing and is constantly more concerned with himself than others.

Agent X: Ron seems so eager to please, and he has a good teacher in Hermione…… although. Is Hermione good in bed? I don’t think there’s really any reason to believe she would be, so maybe she’s also just okay.

Kristy:The patience she’d have to have. If he’d be boneable at all it’d be solely through her tutelage.

Rebecca: I don’t think he’s constantly concerned with himself over others! At least, more than any teenager would be. He’s a good friend.

Agent X: He is a good friend. It’s not his fault Harry sucks.

Kristy: Fine. Loyalty aside, he’s good at nothing.

Agent X: Mmmm, you know what? I think you’re right, though. I’m coming around. Ron would be worse, because he has insecurity issues. Insecurity in bed is never very sexy. If he couldn’t get it up once, it would become a whole thing.

Rebecca: Yeah, I can see him responding less well to Hermione trying to guide him in the right direction than Harry would with Ginny. Harry at least knows, at any given time, that he has has zero to little clue what he’s doing.

Agent X: He’d be all bitter, like ‘I bet The Boy Who Lived never fails to get a boner.’

Rebecca: That really sucks for Hermione, though. Because she was with Ron since pubescence, basically, unless they took a break during wizard college or something. (Not that wizards appear to have college, but the vagaries of the Harry Potter educational system is whole different post.)

Agent X: Ginny is probably pretty good. She’s smart, confident, and pretty, loyal and hardworking, plus she’s dated around so she has experience.

Kristy: She always seemed pretty self-aware and comfortable in her own skin. Good signs.

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Kristy: Okay. Real talk: Do we really think Neville would be the best in bed
or
are we just overcome by how hot the actor’s gotten, like a young Clive Owen?

Agent X: I think Neville is probably fine, also. Not like amazing.

Rebecca: He won’t have Harry’s egotism issues or, I think, Ron’s insecurity issues, which he used to have but had to get over, trial by fire style.

Agent X: But would he actually be awesome, or just pretty good?

Rebecca: I feel like he’d be very considerate of his partner and willing to put in the hard work, no pun intended.

Kristy: One thing you got to give Neville, he seems very aware of the now. And he is really well adjusted considering the tragedy in his life. He doesn’t go all moany Batman about it.

Agent X: Yeah, but he doesn’t strike me as very… I don’t know. Intense? Imaginative? I think he’d be pretty good, just not amazing. He doesn’t seem dirty enough.

Kristy: Maybe not. But I think Rebecca’s right, he’d work. Or werk, if you will.

Agent X: I think he’d work, but I think it’d be up to you to supply the dirty.

Kristy: It might not occur to him naturally, but I don’t think he’d shy away from a partner’s encouragement to explore. And he’s good with plants, which makes me think…

Agent X: So???

Kristy:I mean, symbolism.

Rebecca:….about plants?

Agent X: I think Neville is probably extremely GGG. I do not think he himself would be a font of dirty ideas, so it’d be on his partner to do the work on that front.

Rebecca: But he’d be up for most anything, if his partner asked. And an A+ cuddler.

Kristy: Meaning he and Luna banging would be next level.

Agent X: Yes, but the question isn’t “Which Harry Potter character would have the best sex with Luna Lovegood?”

Rebecca: Luna Lovegood would elevate everyone’s sex game

Kristy: Totally. She’s very aware of her body, calm, and open.

Agent X: I just think the best person in bed would be someone who is GGG and also creative/exciting/kinda filthy when appropriate. Neville gets an A+ for the first half of that, but not the second.

Rebecca:Anyone who fits that description in the HP universe?

Agent X: Probably Luna.

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Kristy: Though we should probably bring Draco in here somewhere.

Agent X: Oh God.

Kristy: Bad boy allure aside, he’d be garbage in bed, right?

Agent X: OK, canon Draco is clearly not very good.

[Note: Tom Felton would be with us on this.]

Rebecca: I think he’d be meh, but on the lower end of meh. Meh-to-bad.

Kristy: I think he’d shout out his own name during sex.

Agent X: I don’t think he’s confident enough to do that. Especially after the events of books 6 and 7?

Kristy: I think he’d be very entitled, and not very interesting or imaginative.

Agent X: I feel like would be all shame-y toward his partner, but secretly harbor some really kinky fantasies, and then be all conflicted about it.

Kristy: It’d be his partner’s fault. He/she failed his mighty albino boner.

Agent X: Draco is definitely on Wizard Ashley Madison getting catfished.
Man, I don’t know why people say journalism is hard.
This is so fun and easy!

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Agent X: Dude I think McGonagall is probably still good in bed. Even at the age of 100 or whatever. I guarantee you there is a charm for lube.

Rebecca: Writhing on her tartan sheets. She knows her body, she knows what’s what, she’s not down for any malarkey, sexual or otherwise.

Kristy: Also, I think her prim and proper exterior flips to a randy bedroom persona. When she literally lets her hair down and all that.

Agent X: I think McGonagall actually would be the GGG / filthy combo we were talking about. She’d be confident and know what she wants, and not afraid to demand it, but she would also be really caring and make sure her partner is getting his (or hers).

Rebecca: She’d grade her partners’ performance.

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Rebecca: You’d die. Hagrid would crush you. It’s a non-starter.

Agent X: Oh God. Hagrid would mean well, but he would 100% definitely kill you. “Means well, will probably kill you” is baaaasically his entire thing in the books.

Kristy: If he was on his back, he wouldn’t be too dangerous.

Rebecca: I think he’d be too scared of hurting his partner to really go the distance. He’d be OK.

Agent X: I think Hagrid would be really nice and probably kind of relieved if you told him to just go down on you.

Rebecca: Surely there has to be some Casanova sexual freak hiding amongst the supporting cast. The Stephen Hawking wizard?

Kristy: Oh! The Weasley Domnhall Gleeson played. Bill Weasley.

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Rebecca: I see it. He was bitten late enough in life that he was already through sexual maturity, so it might not have given him the hang-ups that it gave Lupin.

Kristy: Yeah, good enough for Fleur. Bit rugged.

Agent X: I like Fleur, too. You think she’d be prissy, but her relationship with Bill suggests otherwise.

Rebecca: Fleur entered the wizarding equivalent of American Ninja Warrior. She’s ready for some stuff.

Kristy: Fleur is a secret badass. I like her.

Agent X: i feel like Fred [who is not dead] and George might be into Eiffel Towering, and that’s… not for everyone.

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Rebecca: I want the Dursleys to be secretly into S&M.

Agent X: Eep.

Kristy: I can see that. Vernon in a gimp mask.

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Agent X: Poor repressed Dumbledore.

Rebecca: Gettin’ freaky with Wizard Hitler.

Agent X: I actually don’t think Dumbledore would be that good? He’s a pretty manipulative person… which doesn’t mean he’s bad in bed, necessarily, but I think he’d just be weirdly repressed and evasive and just generally not very open/in-the-moment.

Rebecca: Between all his shit, he probably hasn’t had a lot of time to… do stuff and develop his tastes, right? Like, sex has probably been down on the totem pole.

Kristy: I think he gets his kicks with sweets, not sex.

Agent X: Why does everyone assume Lemon Drops refers to candy? Maybe he likes a froufrou cocktail.

Kristy: Lemon Drops are party drugs.

Agent X: Oh, Dumbledore. I had no idea.

Rebecca: For Barty Crouch Jr., I’m just going to leave this gif here and we can all shudder a little.

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Agent X: So he likes to use his tongue.

Rebecca But with that facial expression, though.

Kristy: I can’t say a negative thing about David Tennant. I work on the internet.

Rebecca: I feel like Krum would be good? The man’s a sports star, so he’s never had to work for sex, but he cared for Hermione so you know he’s considerate and wouldn’t be into showboating.

Agent X: He seems really sweet, actually. I like Krum. I think Krum would be a good boyfriend.

Rebecca: And he might be not quite vanilla. Like, not super freaky, but he’s been with a bunch of people, so he’s been exposed to some things.

Kristy: He’s a jock, but with a heart of gold! He’d be athletic but tender.

Agent X: Totes. He could do some moves, I bet. He’s not a total freak, but he’s got a filthier mind than Neville. Krum would be low-key great, I think.

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Rebecca: Narcissa and Lucius have sex with the lights off, sheets unrumpled, completely soundless. And they talk about wizard taxes afterwards.

Agent X: They would be silk sheets, though.

Kristy: Malfoy sex is all around bleak. A waste of good genes.

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Rebecca: Bellatrix is freaky, but in a way that leaves you feeling dirty afterwards.

Agent X: Bellatrix would not care about the other person at all. I think for her, sex would be a power thing. For Voldemort, she would be 100% submissive. For anyone else, she would be 100% dominant.

Kristy: Also, I bet she’s not great on consent. Like, Bellatrix would pull something not cool.

Agent X: Bellatrix would do what she wants, take what she wants, and not give a shit about the other person. Unless it was Voldemort, in which case she would be exhaustingly subservient. It’d be a weird sadomasochistic dynamic, for sure.

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Agent X: Tonks is basically Wizard Mystique. So that could be fun.

Kristy: She’s defined by playfulness.

Agent X: I don’t see any reason to believe she’d be especially dirty/wild otherwise, though? She’s weirdly traditional! She just wants to settle down and have half-werewolf babies.

Kristy: I don’t think she’s traditional as much as happy with Lupin. Bonds like that can make you re-evaluate life and your desires.

Agent X: I always felt like they hooked up and then he got weird.

Bonus:

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