Eloquent Eloquence, Slang Wagon Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and the
Game of Thrones Breaking Bad discussions are ineligible for inclusion. Kind of. It depends.
Eloquent Eloquence is going on an indefinite hiatus after this week. Thank you for two years of letting me arbitrarily decide who amongst you is the most clever. I have enjoyed judging you.
Civilized gun control discussion, table for Pajiba.
Please enjoy the political hissyfit about “Ectoplasmic Americans”.
[photo of Alice Eve in her skivvies redacted for reasons which will soon become obvious]
• The Sorry, This Should Have Been Included Last Week Comment of the Week goes to fribbley for calling a spade a spade:
Most movie sites I frequent:
“Hey, that half-naked Alice Eve scene was gratuitous! You know, that scene? Here, this picture. That picture there? Totally of a gratuitous scene. Look how gratuitous it was! I can’t believe they included the scene depicted by this picture. Can you believe they included that scene that this picture right here depicts? Totally shameful. I mean, look at it.”
• The If She Could Turn Back Time, She’d Take Back All the Bad Grammar, So You’d Stay Comment of the Week goes to AvaLehra who isn’t a gypsy, a tramp, or a thief. Probably.:
I feel like I just read a ransom note.
• The TEAMWORK! Comment of the Week goes to Fredo and Al Borland’s Beard.You’re like Martin and Lewis, but funny:
Fredo: Are you sure HIMYM isn’t really a show called “Hostages” about two kids forced to spend nine long years listening to his father telling disgusting stories about his sexual escapades while he holds them captive?
Al Borland’s Beard: I think it would be better if it was Bob Saget holding them hostage, because
A) It’s something he’d probably do.
B) It would explain the whole voice thing.
• The However Lately Pajiba Has Gotten Weird. It Seems to Beat Dead Horses. The Mass Effect 3 Circle Jerking Was Cringe Worthy Comment of the Week goes to jon29 with a tip of the hat to TCH:
There was a Mass Effect 3 circle jerk here, and I missed it?!? Can we do another?
*undoes top 3 buttons*
I thought the ending was OK, and I made a bad choice somewhere and couldn’t save Tali.
*undoes next 3 buttons*
I don’t understand why people get so mad about ME3 DLC. More DLC is more better!
*loosens belt buckle*
I really didn’t like how multiplayer was required for the best ending, at first, because I’m not much of a multiplayer gamer. But you know what? I really liked ME3 multiplayer.
*slides hand into pants*
I REALLY LIKED THE KINECT VOICE COMMANDS DURING COMBAT!
• The That Wizard Staff Really Tied the Costume Together Comment of the Week goes to Helo. Your prize is this “cigarette” and a tray of “brownies”:
Jesus, I wonder how he’s going to react when Seventh Son drops. I love me some Jeff Bridges, but casting him as a medieval sorcerer is like casting Carrot Top for a Stephen Hawking biopic.
• The You Ask for a Silly Sentence, You Get a Silly Sentence Comment of the Week goes to Gord Reid for the final line of his debut novel:
As the dust settled, a bewildered Jalissa was left wondering if the blood on her lips was hers, the boy’s, or the dog’s.
• The Could We Create a Category for Shameful Puns Comment of the Week goes to emmalita, L.O.V.E. and marya. Your prize is a side of veal:
emmalita: My bff’s husband LOVES dance movies. I read him the review just now and he is SO EXCITED. As he said, “finally a dance movie I can identify with.”
Sadly I read right over Basketball couch without even noticing.
L.O.V.E.: Emmalita, he’s not a Basketball “couch”. That makes no sense.
He’s a loveseat.
marya: Does that mean he used to be a La-Z-B-Boy?
emmalita: Judging from that neck beard, I’d say his inner La-Z-B-Boy is close to the surface.
L.O.V.E.: Well, to get to the championship his team had to win the Sectionals.
marya: Yeah, yeah! And they dominated the competition like the Ottoman empire dominated Europe! Get it?
…dammit. I’m never good at puns. Should have quit while I was ahead.
• The Sometimes the Question Is Not Whether to Include a Comment, But Which Comment to Include Comment of the Week goes to bastich for a truly disturbing image:
She’s never going to be able to unlock her iPhone while wearing those pasties, I know that for certain.
• The Retain This for Future Clarification Purposes Comment of the Week goes to NateMan, PDamian, and Quartermain with a sympathetic hug to go_nelly for whatever happened to make her coin the phrase “epic douchebag”:
NynjaSquirrel: How does one get elevated from simply ‘douchebag’ to ‘epic douchebag’?
NateMan: Popped collar.
PDamian: Axe body spray.
Quatermain: Shell necklace and no shirt.
• The Hand-Picked by the Overlord Comment of the Week goes to DataAngel . He’s always watching. Always. Right now. Shtum!:
I think Liam Gallagher has a beef with just about everyone. If he doesn’t, Noel does. And Noel and Liam have them with each other.
Beef. It’s what’s for Gallagher.
• The Huh…I Read That Cast of Villains as Including Mad Hitler. One Can Dream I Suppose Comment of the Week goes to Tracer Bullet with a H/T to zeke_the_pig’s dreams:
If we have one Hitler, we can have a TEAM of Hitlers. Sad Hitler, the crying one. Fad Hitler, the foppish dandy. Cad Hitler, the sexy rogue. Dad Hitler wears cardigan sweaters and chuckles avuncularly. Chad and Brad Hitler are disaffected, homicidal twin teens. Rad Hitler kills with the force of his fist pumping.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to bastich with a contextual H/T to Al Borland’s Beard. 168 upvotes:
Al Borland’s Beard: I don’t know. I learned how to write poor, one-dimensional characters from watching The Walking Dead.
bastich: From “The Sopranos”, I learned how to awkwardly end a