Eloquent Eloquence: Badass Linguistic Solidarity Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | August 2, 2013 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | August 2, 2013 |

Eloquent Eloquence, Badass Linguistic Solidarity Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion.

Has everybody met Mike Roorda?

• The 6 Upsetting Instances of Beloved, Affable Actors Playing Dirtbags and Villains Comment of the Week goes to Deidra for a “Try the veal!”-worthy contribution:

Ronald Reagan as president?

• The It’s the Final Sentence That Gets You Comment of the Week goes to Mitchell Hundred. So is this Poe’s law or Godwin’s Law?:

I don’t keep up with the personal lives of contemporary celebrities enough to really hate any of them.

BUT: if we are going to stretch the definition of ‘celebrity’ to its breaking point - and this is my comment so that is what I am going to do - then I will say Arnold Schoenberg. He gave us the ear-grating horror that is atonal music (aka what would happen if you took a bunch of random sounds, put them in a bag and shook it, and then decided that that was a symphony).

Also, apparently the Nazis called his music degenerate art. So he made the Nazis right about something, that’s how bad he is.

• The He Probably Used a Mach IV So He Could Shave Really, Really Fast Comment of the Week goes to Kala for a cutting remark about hipster facial hair:

I do believe Jamie Bell has had some sort of altercation with a razor. He did not emerge victorious.

• The Maybe We Don’t Need a Sarcasm Font After All Comment of the Week goes to TheReinaG for showing that through hard work, and clenched teeth, one can convey tone on the Internet:

Yes, because the Star Wars franchise is otherwise well known for it’s world-renowned fine ACTRESSIN’! Not to mention Disney, because (wait, will you hold my monocle? I’mma need one hand to clutch my pearls, and the other to hold my martini. A lady shouldn’t even have to use two hands at the same time anyway, but I digress) they would never, ever cast someone in an effort to get fangirls into theatres; Jonathan Taylor Thomas really just *embodied* Simba dammit!

• The What the Hell Is That Disney Thing? Mickey Mouse and Mary Poppins Fall in Love?! What’s Going On? I’m Scared. Comment of the Week goes to foolsage for making this movie sound 14% less twee. Muhnah_Muhnah teed it up:

Based loosely on accounts by survivors, “Saving Mr. Banks” is a dreadful and harrowing story about demonic possession, and the price a man will pay for fame. It’s about a woman whose creation slipped from her control and changed into something she barely recognized. It’s about dancing vermin, and homeless vagrants who abduct children. It’s about eternal life and how that relates to vandalism. It’s about the loss of innocence, and, from a certain perspective, it’s really all about the inevitable entropic heat death of the universe.

There will be a great deal of singing.

• The This Is Exactly Why She Should be Punched PRE-EMPTIVELY! Comment of the Week goes to Bananaranma who is not the “she” I was referring to in the preceding sentiment:

That’s Arya’s secret weapon. Sidles up to your complacent self with the least punchable face in Westeros then *BAM* stiletto of MURDER right through the neck.

• The Ew! Comment of the Week goes to NateMan for a damnably accurate description. The whole thread is excellent, by the way.:

It looks like the Ghost of Foreskins Past.

• The Snakes……. ~~~~~~ I fuckin hate snakes. Can that be my pick? No…. ok, the somewhat snakelike Donald Trump.
I hate his freak of nature comb-over
I hate his pursed and puckered lips
I hate his beady, squinty rodent eyes
I hate his annoying as fuck squirrely voice
I hate his “I want to see your birth certificate” squeal
I hate his ” I’ll give millions to charity if I can embarrass you first” instead of just giving to charity, shit fest. Does he screw the charities if his target doesn’t bite?
I hate his politics, I hate his buildings, I hate his wife, all three of them, I hate his kids,
I hate his filing for bankruptcy during his divorce from Travlinkla so she wouldn’t get the millions and millions she deserved for spending more than 5 seconds in a room with him.
I hate his commercials,
I hate his dumb show, I hate everyone on his dumb show just for being on his dumb show.
I hate Rosie O’Donnell for not sitting on him when he calls her fat
I hate the space he takes up with his hateful presence
I hate the letters he writes to magazines crying about what somebody said about him. SHUT THE FUCK UP DONALD TRUMP!
I hate his pettiness, and I’m not talking Tom Pettiness. He’s childish and mean spirited.
I hate his reptiliousness
I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!!!! I HAAAAAAAAATE HIMMMM!!!!
I really just hate him…….
Wow….I feel ENERGIZED!! That was great!! Comment of the Week goes to llp for a sentiment with which we call concur. A H/T to kirbyjay for the fantabulotacularsome intro. Team work!:

Donald Trump needs a stringent application of honey badger, is what you are saying.

• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Wednesday for gently, but firmly correcting e jerry powell’s assertion that “the Jennifer Aniston hate runs along the same course as the Sarah Jessica Parker hate.”:

Oh, no, those are entirely different rivers. That’s where you’re wrong. The headwaters of the Jennifer Aniston Hate form high in the mountains of Disproportional Initial Success to Talent Ratio. It picks up steam on its path through the valleys of Relentless Tabloid Fodder.

SJP Hate, on the other hand, begins life as a trickle meandering through Slight Comedy Roles of the Late Twentieth Century, but really becomes a true river due to the snow melts of Overhyped Irrelevant Pop Culture, then joins up with the Julia Roberts Hate to empty into the Gulf of Very Long Faces.

Sandra Bullock Hate is a bottomless black sea adjacent to the Antarctic Ocean. You don’t hear much about it but it runs very deep.