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Eloquent Eloquence: Radioactive Cinnamon Bun Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | October 26, 2012 |

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | October 26, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence, radioactive cinnamon bun edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in reviews and on the caption contest are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

The Please Downvote This Immediately Comment of the Week goes to Jezzer. That’ll teach him!:

There really is no rhyme or reason. A downvote can also mean “This person said something I didn’t like once and now I hate them forever” or “I downvote everything because ANARCHY WOO” or “I don’t know what ‘pragmatist’ means, but I think I’m against it.”

The Did You Mean Emphatic? Comment of the Week goes to Jon29. Another week, another comment about someone’s privates:

I have the most earnest boner.

The Pop Culture Knowledge + Puns = Heaven Comment of the Week goes to Subversable for a chilling warning about the fate of Pepper Pots:

…and if Iron Man can’t save her, they’re gonna turn her into goop…

The A for Effort, A+ Disgusting for Comment of the Week goes to TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin. Skip ahead! SAVE YOURSELVES!:

Unfortunately I think you’ve used “piss tears” in the wrong context here or perhaps you’ve just used the incorrect term. I believe you are looking for the term “tears of piss” as I have experienced this increasingly common malady upon my one brief viewing of a Sparks movie.

Its cause is the body’s natural reaction to viewing treacly material which makes the lower half of the torso fall into uncontrollable spasm. The simultaneous clenching of the sphincter, bowel, and rapid ascension of the testicles into the lower abdomen causes the bladder to compress at a horrible pressure. Because the kegel muscles are also tightly clenched, the urine in the bladder has no where to go but up. It will generally travel through the path of least resistance (veins to the heart) and is then redistributed to the head and ultimately the tear duct.

In some instances men have also experienced “snot of piss” “sinuses clogged with piss” and “ears weeping piss” which makes some sense considering that the tear ducts, nasal passages and ear canals are so closely related. There is no known cure, however men may take preventative action by ensuring that they never, ever, watch a Nicholas Sparks movie.

Instances of tears of piss have been recorded in women, however, no one is quit sure how they occur because the female anatomy remains a mystery.


The So, You Don’t Like Him? Comment of the Week goes to that scamp TK. He was talking about you. You know who you are:

You arrogant, egotistical, racist, classist, obnoxious, bloviating, misogynistic, asinine, ignorant, venal, petty, worthless attention-whoring jackass. When you die and go to hell, I hope the devil scours your worthless, pathetic raisin-dick to shreds with a belt sander every day for the rest of eternity.


The Flan Is Always a Bad Sign Comment of the Week goes to Firedmyass. And we thought the uncanny llamautner-ness was off putting:

Ugh. He looks like he’s carved out of flan and mental deficiency.


The Split Ends Are the Work of the Devil Comment of the Week goes to marya whose prize is a hot oil treatment:

Crimped hair is a perfectly logical choice for the evil undead. What hairstyle could possibly be more horrifying? It makes total sense.

the_littlest_hobo_thumb[1].jpegThe A Scar Does Not a Beast Make Comment of the Week goes to Groundloop who was ON FIRE this week, and made a guest appearance as his home and native land:

How about Black Beauty and Scar? A horse and lion escape from a circus and bond in the process, forming the most unlikely friendship since The Odd Couple.

Guest spots to be played by:

Rin Tin Tin
Mr. Ed
The Littlest Hobo
The Shaggy D.A.
Annie’s Boobs
Mr. Horse as a potential love interest
Spongebob Squarepants
and the Dolphin from Sea Hunt

The But What a Way to Go Comment of the Week goes to mrcreosote because you just know this appeals to someone, and that there is already a tumblr devoted to it:

I’m pretty sure he’s a regular at purgatory’s only strip club The Spearmint Hellbeast. Where lap dances are lethal and G strings are made of barbed wire.

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Bert_the_Pajibian. I look forward to Axl’s cruise ship cover band “Buns N’ Roastses”:

“Welcome to the buffet,
we got pies and cake,
we got lots of fatty treats,
don’t you worry ‘bout your weight.

We got the pizzas and pork rinds,
And burgers made of beef,
After waiting in our line so long,
Sittin’ down’s such a relief!

At the buffet, welcome to the buffet
We got thirty kinds of ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cheese, cheese, CHEESE!
At the buffet, welcome to the buffet…I wanna watch you EAT!”

Axl Rose.png

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky | The Weekly Caption Contest October 26, 2012

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.