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Prepare to Piss Tears: Based on the Trailer, Let's Predict Who Will Die in the New Nicholas Sparks' Movie

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | October 24, 2012 | Comments ()


First-Look-Julianne-Hough-Josh-Duhamel-Safe-Haven'.jpeg

I love that I could use the "piss tears" line twice in one day and have it work in different contexts (and it works double here, as it's exactly what Nicholas Sparks' movies are designed to do, and it reminds us of the marital connection between Josh Duhamel and Fergie).

Anyway, I have sadly seen so many Nicholas Sparks movies (one of the few downsides of the job) that I am conditioned now to know that, after a quick shift in tone, someone will die abruptly at the end of his films. Who will it be in Safe Haven? Well, the trailer gives us a few possibilities: Josh Duhamal is a widower with kids who falls for a character played by Julianne Hough, whose best friend or sister is played by Cobie Smulders (oh, Cobie). It looks like your typical, generic Sparks' romance, but we also see that there's a jealous, abusive lover in Hough's past. Who will die? Will it be the lover? Will the jealous lover kill Duhamel, Hough, or Cobie? Or will Sparks ruthlessly kill off a child?

My money, actually, is on Cobie because otherwise why hire an actress of her caliber to play the best friend role in a Sparks' movie? She tries to prevent the jealous lover from getting to Hough, and bam: Dead.

Book readers: Please don't hesitate to spoil it, and then flog yourself three times for admitting you read the book.







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Strand

    She has the terminal illness. All of them coupled with Three Stooges Syndrome.

    Sparks, stop fucking setting these goddamn movies on a picturesque beach. There are other goddamn locations on the continental US, even if you have a raging hard-on for Americana, dipshit.

  • Lee

    Why is Julianne Hough in movies?

  • SPOILER ALERT: Josh Duhamel and Timothy Olyphant are the same person.

    *runs the fuck away*

  • Rooks

    So, The Notebook meets The Sixth Sense meets A Beautiful Mind... on a beach? This sounds like the beginning of a joke. If only it were.

  • ashby

    okay. I tried. twice. I can't even get through 15 seconds of the trailer before I'm BORED OUT OF MY MIND and fall asleep.

  • annie

    I kind of hope it's the kid that gets it. That'd be at least almost interesting.

  • Drake

    I can sort of smell the douchebag on Duhamal, and I am horrified at where he regularly wets his willie, but I am ashamed to say that given half a chance I'd be on him like a weasel on Foghorn Leghorn.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Don't be ashamed. It's not your fault he bears a striking resemblance to a certain US Marshal/frontier sheriff, only with half the swagger and a quarter the talent.

  • Fuck you, Nicholas Sparks. Trying to lure me in with a hot dad and Fleetwood Mac covers. IT WON'T WORK.

  • BlackRabbit

    Ditto. I had to sell his crummy books when I was a telemarketer. Nicholas Sparks' books bring only pain.

  • TheBlackMenace

    I can just see the pitch meeting for this crap. "It's Sixth Sense meets the Notebook crossed with some leftover Neil Simon movie."

  • Fantastico

    I will give the trailer credit for a Lissie cover of a Fleetwood Mac song. Two great tastes, etc.

    But the movie looks like reheated shit.

  • melissa82

    Yep, I could watch the trailer over and over again with my eyes closed if I could figure out how to block out that dialogue. Probably easier to just listen to Lissie's Covered Up With Flowers EP...

  • kilmo

    It's not just that they die. They die of CANCER!!! Thanks for posting spoilers so I don't get cussed out the theatre like that time I saw 'Dear John.'

    Sooo, if Cobie is a ghost that means Julianne Hough is a schizophrenic. That brings a whole other dimension that isn't needed to a Sparks book. That's some Jodi Picoult shit.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Why in the sandy fuck are they always on the beach?  Are there no other settings in Nicholas Sparks' world?  Is he sexually attracted to driftwood?  Was his life forever altered by the volleyball scene in Top Gun?  Is he a robot powered by saltwater?  Was he a glassblower in a former life?  He even does it for his OWN promo photos! 

  • Lindzgrl

    Sooo...this is Sleeping with the Enemy with a dead spouse's ghost. Got it.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Unfortunately I think you've used "piss tears" in the wrong context here or perhaps you've just used the incorrect term. I believe you are looking for the term "tears of piss" as I have experienced this increasingly common malady upon my one brief viewing of a Sparks movie.

    Its cause is the body's natural reaction to viewing treacly material which makes the lower half of the torso fall into uncontrollable spasm. The simultaneous clenching of the sphincter, bowel, and rapid ascension of the testicles into the lower abdomen causes the bladder to compress at a horrible pressure. Because the kegel muscles are also tightly clenched, the urine in the bladder has no where to go but up. It will generally travel through the path of least resistance (veins to the heart) and is then redistributed to the head and ultimately the tear duct.

    In some instances men have also experienced "snot of piss" "sinuses clogged with piss" and "ears weeping piss" which makes some sense considering that the tear ducts, nasal passages and ear canals are so closely related. There is no known cure, however men may take preventative action by ensuring that they never, ever, watch a Nicholas Sparks movie.

    Instances of tears of piss have been recorded in women, however, no one is quit sure how they occur because the female anatomy remains a mystery.

  • Hedwig

    I just looked it up on Goodreads. It's even worse than you imagine. Cobie doesn't die. She was... dead the whole time! In fact, dead wife's ghost. You're welcome.

  • TK

    Shit. I was really hoping for a good old fashioned "and then they were all disemboweled by ninjas."

    I am disappoint.

  • Mrs. Julien

    TK REAL TIME REVIEW! TK REAL TIME REVIEW!
    //flees//

  • oilybohunk7

    That is very Shyamalon, which is appropriate because his stuff is also a predictable formula.

  • pajiba

    GUH

  • Spoiler alert: we all die. A very, very slow and agonizing death; the length and agony of which is directly correlated to how long this industry does not die.

  • Carrie/Teabelly

    I needed to know and found this on goodreads: I like to think of Jo as a guardian angel to Katie, especially when she
    visited her in her dreams and tried to warn her about Kevin.

    So either you're right and Cobie dies or she was dead from the very beginning. Which probably wouldn't be that out of place in a Sparks novel.

  • Skeletor

    Sadly, I also needed to know.. and now i do haha. thanks google.
    ** SPOILERS**
    Colbie is a "figment", and also was dead from the beginning. The review I read said she also was the spirit of the guys dead wife.

  • pajiba

    Jesus Christ.

  • ,

    On a crutch.

    Does she jabber out loud to Cobie when other people are around? If they're having lunch together, does the waiter take Cobie's order too? Do other people step out of Cobie's way on the sidewalk? Do Josh and Julianna have a three-way with Cobie?

    Fuck and goddam, now I have to go see this and quit wasting my money on dreck like "Argo."

  • Nimue

    Actually, yes the abusive husband is apparently a crazy Christian type who uses biblical versus to justify being a crazy abusive husband. I am sad that you showed me this trailer and made me care what happened and that I now know this.

  • hasshole

    They all die. Tragic. The meteor vaporizes everyone. I never read the book.

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