For a woman with such a massive quantity of va-va-voom and an above-serviceable level of talent, Carla Gugino sure has had made a long-lived career out of an endless stream of substandard movies. Sure, she was in American Gangster and can hold her own against almost any co-star with which one would hope to align her. And I’m not even touching the Watchmen level of underperforming flicks with a devoted fan base here, but a quick glance at her resumé reveals an appalling abundance of seriously crappy movies. These are flicks that usually are horrible despite not only Gugino’s participation but also the presence of numerous illustrious costars and, in some cases, good directors too. So let’s quickly run down that list in those terms, shall we?
Elektra Luzz: Despite the presence of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Olyphantastic, who is already taking his shirt off in this poster. You’re welcome.
Son in Law: Despite the dubious comic stylings of Pauly Shore.
Every Day: Despite the presence of Liev Schreiber, who is probably overdue for one of these lists too. I’ll get right on that.
Race to Witch Mountain: Despite the impregnating smile of Dwayne Johnson (see also Faster).
The Unborn: Despite Odette Yustman’s magnificent ass.
Night at the Museum: Despite the implication of Sacagawea and Teddy Roosevelt getting it on together. Kinky.
Sucker Punch: Despite Jon Hamm and lots (and lots of) scantily-clad boobs.
Michael: Despite the presence of angel-playing Scientologist John Travolta.
Spy Kids 3-D: Despite the aura of the adorable Alan Cumming.
Snake Eyes: Despite the presence of director Brian De Palma and notwithstanding Crazy Cage.
Women in Trouble: Despite the mutually exclusive inclusion of Josh Brolin and an abundant supply of stiletto heels.
Troop Beverly Hills: Despite … oh hell, I can’t even pretend with this one.
And a little unexpected bonus number for you…
Righteous Kill: Despite the Al Pacino/Robert DeNiro combo. Hell, I even enjoyed this one (only for the cast) but can admit that it was one hell of a righteously crappy movie.
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.