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The 10 Crappiest Movies of Alan Cumming's Career

By Agent Bedhead | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (52)



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A few months ago, I kicked off the Robert DeNiro Career Assessment with a discussion of the so-called “free pass” that many people offer certain actors. After much unnecessary and overwrought internal debate, I am pleased to announce that I finally grasp the “free pass” concept but will only extend it to a very select few actors, one of which just happens to be Alan Cumming. My (highly flawed) reasoning here resides within the irresistible adoration that I feel for Cumming despite the fact that he continually (and willfully) appears in a shitstorm of crappy movies. Sure, he was absolutely amazing in the Broadway revival of Cabaret, he’s great on “The Good Wife,” and he’s got a handful of really good movies under his bisexual belt as well. Yet the fact remains that Alan Cumming is positively addicted to acting within really bad movies, and I still forgive him for as much and would very much enjoy a pocket version of Mr. Cumming himself to carry around for my own personal amusement.

Hook me up, won’t you?

Anyway, the idea for this list happened by way of aiming to prove that I can not only complain about all of the crappy movies coming from an actor that I don’t really like (that is, Jennifer Anison), but I can also admit that one of my favorite actors, Alan Cumming, often lowers himself to that level too. Often, he’s the best part of these otherwise inexcusable films, but it still kills me inside to witness such a waste of fine talent. And even though The Smurfs isn’t in theaters just yet, so I haven’t yet written that review, it’s safe to say that it probably won’t be an instant classic either. Stay tuned on that note, mates, and now let’s revisit ten (or eleven) of the worst Alan Cumming movies of all time:

Spy Kids: This movie is a particularly egregious example because Cumming also appeared in the second and third installments of the franchise as well. Presumably, his schedule was too packed to pitch in for the fourth one. Small mercies, folks.

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Son of the Mask: Naturally, this sequel to the Jim Carrey movie should’ve never happened let alone while starring Jamie Kennedy.

sonofthemask

Spice World: I really really really wanna believe that Cumming knew this would be a campy crapfest.

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Emma: This adaptation carried none of the spirit of the original; in fact, Clueless did much better in that department. Cumming was also woefully miscast as Mr. Elton.

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Garfield: In Cumming’s defense, Bill Murray fell for this one too, but that doesn’t make it a passable movie by any stretch.

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Pits: This movie is exactly what it looks and sounds like. It probably smells that way too.

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Josie and the Pussycats: Tara Reid. Need I say more?

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Get Carter: That is, the 2000 remake starring Sylvester Stallone, which the BBC recently named as the worst remake of all time. Quite a feat, actually.

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Burlesque: Yes, I know that several of you probably hold a torch for this movie, but c’mon.

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Eyes Wide Shut: So this is how Stanley Kubrick chose to close out his legacy, huh? Cumming as the hotel clerk was its only saving grace.

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And a little unexpected bonus number for you…

X2: Yeah, I totally went there. Deal with it.

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Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.









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Comments

Do you think Alan Cumming and Richard Grant arm-wrestle each other for these roles? (and then in Spice Girls, they both "win").

Btw, I'm going to disagree with you on Emma - I enjoy the movie. Though that might be related to my soft spot for Jeremy Northam.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at July 27, 2011 2:11 PM

X2: Yeah, I totally went there. Deal with it.

Oh, it's on!

Nightcrawler totally makes X2. The opening scene at the White House is arguably the best use of mutant powers we've seen until Fassbender went Nazi hunting in Argentina!

BTW, I loved watching Cummings do the short intro for the "Sherlock" series on BBC.

Posted by: Fredo at July 27, 2011 2:13 PM

I actually really liked Josie and the Pussycats. It never takes itself seriously, it lampoons everything, and it seems like everyone involved just had a fun time making it. It's in my pile of "dumb but I'm pretty sure they know they're dumb and decided to just have fun" movies, along with Zoolander.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at July 27, 2011 2:17 PM

I mean, okay, so it was a TV miniseries, but that Riverworld adaptation is one of the worst things I've ever seen anybody do.

And I'm not just talking about movies, okay? Riverworld is right up there with that dude who got high on bath salts, threw on some random panties and murdered his neighbour's goat.

Posted by: Melodie at July 27, 2011 2:18 PM

It's always seemed to me that European actors in general, and even more so British ones, have different perspectives on their craft. For them, working is working, be it in legitimate theater, film or cinema (and there is a difference as far as I'm concerned), and even lowly television. Acting is acting to them. I can't fault Cumming for his work on the execrable later seasons of The L Word, because he got paid and was contributing to higher bisexual and transman-on-bioman-intercourse visibility.

Some of those guys just flat-out unconcerned about the quality of the work they take on, because they don't see themselves as brands the way so many A-list American movie stars do.

When I was in music school, the south end of campus (the arty side) had an interesting geography to it. The music building was full of people who didn't work for free, ever; that's how we were told to view our craft from the moment we showed up for 8 AM freshman music theory. The actors, to our east, were crazy for whatever acting they could do, because it wasn't about getting famous, it was about getting out there and doing the work. You don't get to be a brand until WAY later.

Posted by: Jerry at July 27, 2011 2:18 PM

Cumming (haha) was in 30 seconds of 'Burlesque.' He has a magnetism that is ridiculous. He outacted everyone with a look in that movie, except for Stanley Tucci.

I think something can be said for being in terrible movie, BUT being the best thing in them. He's probs trying to support his terrible outfits habit.

Posted by: kilmo at July 27, 2011 2:21 PM

Awww...I love Spice World.


I lived in Europe when they were popular, so that's probably why.

Posted by: Candee at July 27, 2011 2:25 PM

He gets a pass with me as well. Also? Emma and X2 are awesome.

Posted by: KatSings at July 27, 2011 2:27 PM

X2: Yeah, I totally went there. Deal with it.

Eh, whatever. So you've got some shitty taste when it comes to certain movies.

That's a "YP", not a "MP".


Posted by: Forbiddendonut at July 27, 2011 2:28 PM

"Tara Reid. Need I say more?"

But... but... Rachel Leigh Cook...

Posted by: Kris at July 27, 2011 2:33 PM

He's one of my favorite talk show guests, especially on Conan. He's always just so damn affable and funny, I lurrrve him.
But yeah, I think he is allergic to good scripts.

Posted by: Jessie at July 27, 2011 2:33 PM

You forgot Circle of Friends where he got creepy/rapey with Minnie Driver and let Chris O'Donell's accent live.

Posted by: Heathered at July 27, 2011 2:35 PM

"Tara Reid. Need I say more?"
But... but... Rachel Leigh Cook Rosario Dawson...

Posted by: Kris at July 27, 2011 2:33 PM

Fixed that for you.

Posted by: Even Stevens at July 27, 2011 2:40 PM

Citing Tara Reid as a reason why a movie is bad doesn't count when she's playing someone even dumber than herself. Josie and the Pussycats is awesome.

Spy Kids, by the way - total guilty pleasure. It's Danny Trejo doing a kids movie. At least it's original.

Posted by: Zirze at July 27, 2011 2:43 PM

Yeah, I agree with the first 10, sure, plus you GOTTA throw the "creepy lecherous neighbor" from Circle of Friends in there, since that was my introduction to Alan Cumming.

But he was one of the best parts of X2! No lie!

Also, he totally kills on The Good Wife.

Posted by: MM at July 27, 2011 2:45 PM

I love Josie And The Pussycats. LOVE. DUJOUR MEANS SEATBELTS.

Posted by: coveredinbees at July 27, 2011 3:00 PM

WAHHHHHHH, DA BAD MANS DOES MOOBIES I DOESN'T WIKE! BAAAWWWWWWWW!

Posted by: God When He's Drunk at July 27, 2011 3:05 PM

DUJOUR MEANS CRASH POSITIONS!

Seriously, though, you have obviously never watched Josie and the Pussycats. It is awesome and smart, while still fluffy.
Tara Reid actually gives the best performance of her life as the ultimate dumb but cluelesssly sweet blonde.

Why has there never been a Pajiba retro-active write-up?

Posted by: zyzzyva at July 27, 2011 3:12 PM

I was just thinking the other night that I would love to go out and get drunk with him and Edgar Wright - that would be a really good time. I find them both hilarious and suspect that they'd get along well.

And yeah, he's the tits on The Good Wife.

Posted by: Nicole at July 27, 2011 3:20 PM

Well, with the inclusion of the second X-men movie, I suppose I'm allowed to forevermore dismiss your taste in cinema. I didn't want to. But you had to go there.

Posted by: superasente at July 27, 2011 3:42 PM

Sooooo...could you follow up with a list of the good movies Cumming has been in?

And he does the intros to all the American Masterpiece Mystery episodes, not just for "Sherlock". So if you are into Miss Marple, Zen, or Inspector Lynley, you get Cumming also.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at July 27, 2011 3:46 PM

This article is completely backwards. It should be Alan Cumming is SO awesome, he makes even most of these bombs watchable (not including Emma and X2, which were actually good and successful.)

He's hardly in Burlesque - that was a cheap shot.

Why not list some alternate viewing, that people might have missed, like The Anniversary Party (which he co-wrote with Jennifer Jason Leigh) or Titus?

Give up the snark and praise the Cumming.

Posted by: xoxoxoe at July 27, 2011 3:59 PM

I love Josie and the Pussycats. It's good camp.

And Eyes Wide Shut is a good movie. People who are too stupid to understand it, should not be criticizing The Smurfs before they see it, since it will probably be the kind of easy-to-digest bullshit that's more to their liking.

Posted by: John G. at July 27, 2011 3:59 PM

"...that dude who got high on bath salts, threw on some random panties and murdered his neighbour's goat."
Posted by: Melodie

Why am I only hearing about this now?

Posted by: Groundloop at July 27, 2011 4:02 PM

Man, this superhero backlash SUCKS.

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at July 27, 2011 4:12 PM

Maybe it's because he's always in such bad movies, but I don't get this guy's appeal. At all.

Posted by: jimbob at July 27, 2011 4:26 PM

Yay for Josie and the Pussycats love! I adore that movie.

Posted by: TWoPFan at July 27, 2011 4:57 PM

Alan Cummings is always good, but there are movies that I won't even watch even if he's in them. Like most of what you mentioned above. He is in some really good ones too, like The Anniversary Party. But anyway...

Posted by: Gigi at July 27, 2011 5:09 PM

In my heart Alan Cumming is always Sandy Frink with his huge notebook.

Posted by: thatsjesstastic at July 27, 2011 5:37 PM

I met him recently. He was very nice and agreed to take a picture.

Josie and the Pussycats and Spice World are fun.

X2 is sheer awesome (seriously, we're retconning that this kick-ass movie is bad now?).

And you cannot just say "Tara Reid = bad movie" when she was in "The Big Lebowski" too.

Posted by: Justin at July 27, 2011 5:54 PM

Spy Kids and Josie and the Pussycats are FAB

Posted by: DominaNefret at July 27, 2011 6:06 PM

It's Alan Cummings. Of course he signs on to pictures for the camp value. Have you seen the man walk a red carpet? He's a wig and a pair of pumps away from winning the next season of Drag Race.

Posted by: Robert at July 27, 2011 6:47 PM

Josie and the Pussycats is a really good movie. I watched it expecting a tragedy and found it fun and incredibly smart.

Spy Kids is probably a good kids movie, I never watched the entire thing, but from what I saw, it didn't look bad, you can't blame a kids movie for being childish.

Posted by: zito at July 27, 2011 6:51 PM

You badmouth Josie and The Pussycats on my watch; you die in the most horrible way imaginable. It's really that simple.

Death by BarbadosSlim.

Posted by: Shane at July 27, 2011 7:38 PM

Screw you. Emma is ridiculously delightful. Jeremy Northam and his sexy, gigantic nose can keep me warm at night any day of the week. And this was before Goop was so horrible.

Posted by: Lyssie at July 27, 2011 8:06 PM

Dude, Spy Kids is great! What the heck?

Also, count me in on the JatP love. Just a funny, silly, tongue-in-cheek movie. Not even a guilty pleasure, just a pleasure.

Posted by: heatseeker at July 27, 2011 8:11 PM

Josie And The Pussycats is awesome. It sits proudly beside any Criterion disc on the shelf. (okay, right now it's actually between 'Adaptation' and 'Synecdoche NY', but my point still stands)

Also; it allowed Cumming to finale 'Anniversary Party.' Which had Parker Posey naked so; entirely justified on all counts.

Also;

"Tara Reid. Need I say more?"
But... but... Parker Posey...


there ya go!

Posted by: greg at July 27, 2011 8:13 PM

Umm, that should be "finance" not "finale"

MY fingers got stuck.

Posted by: greg at July 27, 2011 8:15 PM

The three I was going to object to have already been well-covered, but let's go over it again:

Josie and the Pussycats is fucking rad. Tara Reid is perfectly cast. The only drag on that film is Parker Posey. There I said it. The writing is tight like a poolboy's ass and the soundtrack is Kay whatshername from Letters to Cleo. It's a solid, solid movie.

Spy Kids - the first time the kids I was babysitting demanded I put Spy Kids on, I threw a mental tantrum, but I acquiesced and found a book to read to avoid the brainmelt. But then I watched the first scene while I was getting the kids settled, and then I watched the rest. For a kid's movie, it's not entirely stupid. If I was going to let my kid watch a movie ever, it would probably be Spy Kids. Not so much the sequels, but the original was very decent.

X2 - now you're just being contrary for the sake of contrariness. The only problem with that movie was Halle Berry.

Posted by: Kat at July 27, 2011 8:15 PM

I'm glad I'm not the only one willing to forgive Alan Cumming any of these ridiculous movies because he's so awesome. I too cant help enjoying Josie and the Pussycats even though it is definitely terrible. Also, no way is Parker Posey a drag, ever. I'm also so glad so many people have seen The Anniversary Party! What if all the actors you liked were friends? Oh wait, they are, and they filmed a movie together where they are all friends! Can we please have a pro-Cumming SRL with all his Best roles?
Also, did everybody know he has fragrances? Cuz I sure didn't...
http://www.sephora.com/browse/brand_hierarchy.jhtml;jsessionid=BL5AQUBVKMVSACV0KRTQQAQ?brandId=Alan%20Cumming&list=list

Posted by: valerie at July 27, 2011 11:29 PM

Wait. Spice girls WASN'T first?

Posted by: Nxx at July 28, 2011 12:07 AM

Josie and the Pussycats was purely awesome, and Agent Bedhead is DEAD TO ME.

MISSI PYLE! YOU DO NOT HATE ON MOVIES WITH MISSI PYLE!

Posted by: Craig at July 28, 2011 1:54 AM

Cumming smells like Cumming. At $90 for 3 ounces, I'd better be Cumming after the first spray.

Posted by: Jerry at July 28, 2011 3:19 AM

There is still no excuse for Garfield.
There will never be an excuse for Garfield.

Posted by: cinekat at July 28, 2011 4:31 AM

Aw now...hey, X2 was decent. You're a fibber.

Posted by: Nadine at July 28, 2011 8:47 AM

Eyes Wide Shut is a masterpiece and one of my favourite Kubrick films actually, despite Tom Cruise. In fact strangely he's in two of my all time loves, Magnolia being the other.

Posted by: Neil at July 28, 2011 8:53 AM

But... but... X2 is AWESOME. Cumming KILLED it as Nightcrawler, the movie balanced the action and the fun storyline and it still stands as the best of the first Xmen trilogy. Halle Berry was kinda meh in it, but c'mon.

And I loooove Josie and Pussycats. My favorite hang-over movie.

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at July 28, 2011 10:00 AM

Josie and the Pussycats rocks!(yeah, I went there.)

"Maybe if you showed Dr. Zaius the proper respect, Dr. Zaius would stop showing you the poo."

Posted by: No Pithy Name at July 28, 2011 11:23 AM

"I thank God I knew all the words to Enter Sandman!" never fails to kill me. Hahaa. What an awesome movie.

Posted by: heatseeker at July 28, 2011 11:45 AM

First of all, he gets points for being an openly gay actor who keeps working in big Hollywood films and makes millions. Who cares if they suck.

Secondly, X2 was awesome. Deal with it.

Posted by: hoganbcmj at July 28, 2011 5:23 PM

I knew the Pajibans wouldn't blow it on this thread. Josie and the Pussycats is very clever and subversive. Tara Reid WAS perfectly cast - this was one of the last roles before the falling down drunk and fake boobs stuff started. She is so sweet and lovable in Josie. And I thought Parker Posey was hilarious. There are so many great throwaway lines, like when Wyatt Frame aka Alan Cumming meets the goth chick and he intones into his voice transmitter thingy, "Smells like teen spirit." And how cute and young James Spaderish was Alan M.? ("What's with the initial, anyway? It didn't work for Sheila E., it doesn't work for you." A lot of the songs are great too (incidentally many are written by Adam Schlessinger from Fountains of Wayne). Give this movie a shot, folks.

Posted by: TurnipTheRadio at July 29, 2011 4:26 AM

Cumming was truly woefully miscast as Mr. Elton, but I quite liked the Gwyneth Paltrow Emma -- if for nothing else...JEREMY NORTHAM as Mr. Knightly!

Posted by: Amy at July 31, 2011 7:49 PM