A few months ago, I kicked off the Robert DeNiro Career Assessment with a discussion of the so-called “free pass” that many people offer certain actors. After much unnecessary and overwrought internal debate, I am pleased to announce that I finally grasp the “free pass” concept but will only extend it to a very select few actors, one of which just happens to be Alan Cumming. My (highly flawed) reasoning here resides within the irresistible adoration that I feel for Cumming despite the fact that he continually (and willfully) appears in a shitstorm of crappy movies. Sure, he was absolutely amazing in the Broadway revival of Cabaret, he’s great on “The Good Wife,” and he’s got a handful of really good movies under his bisexual belt as well. Yet the fact remains that Alan Cumming is positively addicted to acting within really bad movies, and I still forgive him for as much and would very much enjoy a pocket version of Mr. Cumming himself to carry around for my own personal amusement.
Hook me up, won’t you?
Anyway, the idea for this list happened by way of aiming to prove that I can not only complain about all of the crappy movies coming from an actor that I don’t really like (that is, Jennifer Anison), but I can also admit that one of my favorite actors, Alan Cumming, often lowers himself to that level too. Often, he’s the best part of these otherwise inexcusable films, but it still kills me inside to witness such a waste of fine talent. And even though The Smurfs isn’t in theaters just yet, so I haven’t yet written that review, it’s safe to say that it probably won’t be an instant classic either. Stay tuned on that note, mates, and now let’s revisit ten (or eleven) of the worst Alan Cumming movies of all time:
Spy Kids: This movie is a particularly egregious example because Cumming also appeared in the second and third installments of the franchise as well. Presumably, his schedule was too packed to pitch in for the fourth one. Small mercies, folks.
Son of the Mask: Naturally, this sequel to the Jim Carrey movie should’ve never happened let alone while starring Jamie Kennedy.
Spice World: I really really really wanna believe that Cumming knew this would be a campy crapfest.
Emma: This adaptation carried none of the spirit of the original; in fact, Clueless did much better in that department. Cumming was also woefully miscast as Mr. Elton.
Garfield: In Cumming’s defense, Bill Murray fell for this one too, but that doesn’t make it a passable movie by any stretch.
Pits: This movie is exactly what it looks and sounds like. It probably smells that way too.
Josie and the Pussycats: Tara Reid. Need I say more?
Get Carter: That is, the 2000 remake starring Sylvester Stallone, which the BBC recently named as the worst remake of all time. Quite a feat, actually.
Burlesque: Yes, I know that several of you probably hold a torch for this movie, but c’mon.
Eyes Wide Shut: So this is how Stanley Kubrick chose to close out his legacy, huh? Cumming as the hotel clerk was its only saving grace.
And a little unexpected bonus number for you…
X2: Yeah, I totally went there. Deal with it.
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.