By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | March 1, 2011 |
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | March 1, 2011 |
Alright, you Lesser Stars under the Supernova that is Me, I’m writing this on a cloudy Sunday afternoon while at the Spa getting a massage and Hot Chocolate (that is not a euphemism) treatment for stress before the awards. I’ve been eating nothing but sunflower seeds and ice cubes for THREE DAYS so I can fit into the damned gown and I am hours away from passing out, but it’s worth it because I will look faboo in my Versace gown with the glitter and things. Speaking of! I heard a nasty rumor from my third assistant (the one who feeds my pets and reads the Google for me) that that twig Nicole Kidman was planning on copying me by wearing fluorescent aqua to the Oscars and if I find out that that’s true I’m gonna stab that bitch with my handbag—it’s shaped like a swordfish, to keep with my Maritime Follies theme. Does she know who I am?! So, now my hair has gone full-on frizz fest because of the stress and I’m going to need Guru Patra to come sing soothing chants at it so that it’ll fit under my feathered hat. It’s so stressful, being a Superstar.
I shall now do some calming meditation while being fanned by assistant #4 (the one in charge of fanning me) and while assistant #5 culls the EE list for me. Here it is. Complaints go to #6 (the one in charge of complaints, obviously) and remember, give him a full bottle of Arctic Waters if you want to get through to me. He likes that stuff. Chop chop, minion!
Oh, he insisted on listing them as if they were Academy Awards. He’s kind of dramatic that way. I let him, because I am a benevolent Queen.
[The Academy Award for “Description of Weapons that Make Me all Hot-and-Bothered” Goes to…]
10. I think the Murdertank does have miniguns, both mounted on the exterior with remote-control aiming, and portable ones for when you have to get out of the Murdertanks to visit the convenience store (miniguns come in handy for chopping up zombies).
I would like to think that the Murdertank also sports as standard equipment a pair of Nudelmann 23-mm cannon set for rapid fire (why Nudelmann? The Soviets tested one in Earth orbit, and that counts as cred points).
Mine throwers? Check.
Caltrop throwers? Hell yes! Great for slowing down crazed cannibal hillbillies when driving through certain parts.
Smoke projectors? Always helps to confuse other drivers. —The Wanderer
[The Award for “Most Hilariously Inappropriate Discovery By a Friend” (also aided by a great nickname) goes to…]
9. My husband and I are a month away from celebrating our 16th anniversary and kink is part of the glue that’s held us together this long. I’ll never forget the time my best friend finally figured out that the brackets mounted on my bedroom rafters were way over-engineered for the plants hanging from them … —Young_Grandma_Ben
[The Award for “Let’s Take This Typo (that was later corrected in this post) To the NEXT LEVEL goes to..]
8. Magento must be the gay X-Man. -Amy
[The Academy Award for “Best Movie Cross-Referencing Involving Kevin Costner” goes to…]
7. He hides Kal-El’s spaceship under home plate in the baseball park he built in the middle of his cornfield. Duh. —Sarcastro
[The Academy Award for “Best Use of Old ‘In Soviet Russia’ Joke in a Thread That I Can’t Remember Oh Wait It Was This One Where You Learned Things!” goes to…]
6. I’m placing my nose in the witness protection program. —Mrs. Julien
In Soviet Russia police lineup, Nose picks you. —Paultera
[The Award for “Best Hyperactive In Need of Med—Hey Look, a Pony!” goes to..]
5. KNEW IT. I FUCKING KNEW IT, MAN! all my elementary school teachers were like, “she’s hyperactive! she can’t sit still! maybe you should put her on ritalin! maybe she should be sent to the jungle to be raised by a pack of feral wolverwolves! she’ll never ‘mount to nuthin’!”
but i said, “NAY! FUCK YOU SOCIETY! someday we will live in a world where it is acceptable, indeed, imperative that one multitask: like baking cookies in the shower or reading while sleeping or — LET’S RIDE BIKES!!!! —stopthemadness aka Angry Black Lady
[The Award for “Best HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COURTNEY” goes to…”]
4. Don’t tell me to wear a ball-gown. Because I’m already wearing a ball-gown. So I just won’t take it off between now and Sunday — and I’ll bring a cake, except it’ll be a huge fake cake and I’ll explode out of it in my ball-gown singing a sexy song. Except that it’ll be a surprise, for your birthday, so you must un-know this information as soon as you’ve read it.
YOU’RE WELCOME, COURTNEY. —Caspar
[The Award for “I Don’t Know What the Eff Is Going On Here But It Made Me Laugh Even Though This Article Lead To a Full-On Religious War And This Was the Best Response” goes to…]
3. The absolute one shall cull the 48° masses of ignorant cloud-worshippers! Beware ye deceivers, beware those who would employ hollow technology and glitzy movie 52′ icons to sell false prophets! Your perception of reality is chained and prisonered by the 36″S pathetic and infinitesimal window to which your mind’s eye can see.
HE waits in 123° the unconscience abyssal plain to unbind your thin-threaded fates! The green, sticky spawn of the stars will SWOOP DOWN FROM THE COSMIC WINDS ON SMALL, BUT STILL VERY CAPABLE 23′ WINGS! HE WILL TURN THE CARPENTER-WORSHIPER’S WORLD INTO ONE OF PRIMORDIAL PURITY IN CHAOS! AWAY WITH YOUR CORPOREAL IDOLS! AWAY WITH YOUR 36″W ECCLESIASTICAL TRADITIONS, SO YOUNG THEY ARE BUT A NEWBORN BABE TO THE WEATHERED EYE OF TIME! PINK-FLESHED COWS! EUCLIDIAN CONQUERED INGORAMII!
CTHULHU FHTAGN! CTHULHU FHTAGN! CTHULHU FHTAGN! CTHULHU FHTAGN! CTHULHU FHTAGN! CTHULHU FHTAGN! CTHULHU FHTAGN! CTHULHU FHTAGN! —Baba O’R’lyeh
[Though I haven’t recovered from that last one…The Award for “Best Use of Unicorns, Christmas” goes to…]
2. Ugh, a Beautiful Mind. That should really be #25. Not only was an awful film, it isn’t even remotely an accurate portrayal of the guy’s life. My friend’s dad knows John Nash. Not only is he still rather mentally ill, because mental illness doesn’t magically go away, even with treatment, he’s as gay as a unicorn on Christmas. So that whole “the love of a good wife will get you through the darkest times,” just grates on me. —mint.jane
Unicorns are gay on Christmas? What about the other 364 days of the year? How gay are they on Thanksgiving - somewhat gay or gayer than old Paree? I think they would be more gay in the springtime for some reason. Don’t unicorns hibernate or something? I don’t think they’d be awake at Christmas. Shunnnnnnnnnnn —malechai
[And finally, the Award you Were All Waiting for….”Best Proof that Profanity Really Does Make EVERYTHING Better…Except for Charlie Sheen Shows.” Goes to…]
1. [A suggestion of things that can’t be made better by Profanity…]
Two and a Half Men
Just a few ideas off the top of my head. As you see, I live in an unpleasant world. —Wednesday
Sympathy cards - “Sorry about your grandpa, but he was a badass motherfucker!!!”
Sexual Harassment — Listen you craptacular lugfucker. You tell me one more time how nice my jugs look in this sweater, and you’ll be carrying your undoubtably tiny bait and tackle in a tuna can around your neck for the rest of your short and unhappy fucking life.
Technical Documentation “Put that fucking duct between that cocksucking sprinkler pipe and the shit eating light fixture.”
Spam “Hello, I fucking am Nigerian official cocksucker. Could you please put 15 thousand fucking dollars in your son of a bitching bank account?”
I can’t help you with Two and a Half Men. -Mrcreosote
Tears! Glitz! Glamour! The crowd is on its feet!
So go ahead, Wednesday and MrCreosote, come up on stage, fight over the little statue (assistant #whatever says the golden comb is totally a statue) and thank your respective God or Gods, or agents and random peoples. Cry a few tears and give a few “whoops,” and try not to pull a Halle Berry going-from-Oscar-to-Catwoman move in the future.
As to the rest of you, remember: it’s an honor just to be nominated.
… I might need to fire that assistant.