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The Atheist's Worst Nightmare and the 10 Best Comments of the Week

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | February 17, 2012 |

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | February 17, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

10. I’m going to make a movie with no dialogue titled Unblinking starring Harry Lloyd, Ian Somerhalder, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Eddie Redmayne, and Cillian Murphy.

It’ll be a kind of homage to Ringu but exponentially creepier. - branded

9. NAILED the Myrna Loy and William Powell one!!!!!! NAILED IT!!!!!!! HAMMER AND NAIL!!!! NINE INCH NAILS!!!! …don’t actually like them too much… I like the Johnny Cash cover of Hurt though. That music video gives me the chills. - Theseus

8. Dustin, you know TK’s just jealous that you have twice the infant army as he does.

Many, MANY heartfelt congratulations to you and Mrs Pajiba! I can’t imagine how stressed you’ve been, but with the ultimate happy outcome I bet you’re on cloud nine.

Wait. Oh god. How many ads to I have to click to pay for intensive twin post-natal treatment? 10,000? Okay.

Shirley, hold my calls.

*starts clicking dutifully* - Lauren

7. /realization

So, it just hit me that I’m both following and agreeing with the fashion critique, then, inspired, recalling with pleasure the slightly-catty swoon-fest that erupted hereabouts around the Harry Potter premiere cast photos.


When did I devlolve graduate from “Boobies, woooooooo!” to “Yes, yes, indeed the spectacular Ms. Hendricks is in need of a girl or gay-friend, something actually fitted to her form, and good god woman, do something with that hair?”

Can someone explain to me just what the hell in happening to me here? I blame you people. All of you. Especially you. (You know who you are.) - BierceAmbrose

6. I am the token black guy. I’m just supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say things like: “Damn,” “Shit,” and “That is whack.” - John G.

5. Twig, I met my first wife while she was stumbling around naked in a blizzard. It was a day much like any other day. You know, gale force winds and blinding snow. This sultry temptress shuffles out of the blinding fury of the storm mumbling “Help. Please help”. It was love at first sight.

I was immediately entranced by the bluish hue of her skin. They way the icicles dangled delicately from her frost-bitten nipples. The tangled thatch between her legs resembling not so much the braided hair of a yak as a tangled weave of snowflakes pristine. Her stiff-legged gait only served to add to the allure of her rock hard behind as it seizured left and right. I had to have her.

I immediately covered her in my moose down traveling skin and fed her of the seal blubber and beaver tail I carry for my winter wanderings. I looked into the icy gray of her eyes and was lost in their lifeless pools of frozen jelly. I quietly murmured that we’d be together for ever and slipped the whale skin Frock of Everafter around her stiffening neck and about her shoulders. I gently rocked her as she lay frigid and sleeping in my arms.

The next morning I went to the local Igloo of Government and Important Stuff to ask Nanook to make our marriage official. Alas he told me that I was unable to marry what he called a “mangey reindeer”. Damn this country and its bureaucracy!

I’m not saying it happens all the time, just that it can happen. - admin

4. Mercurial Arborea? What is that supposed to be? Bipolar trees? - FabMax

3. Bella: I know what I saw.
Edward: And what exactly was that?
B: You- you stopped the van. You pushed it away with you hand.
E: Well, nobody’s going to believe you so…
B: I wasn’t going to tell anybody. I just need to know the truth.
E: Can’t you just thank me and get over it?
B: Thank you.
E: You’re not going to let this go are you?
B: No.
E: Well then I hope you enjoy disappointment.
Barack Obama: [springing out from behind a curtain] And I hope you enjoy hell, bloodsucker! [stakes Edward in the back; Edward disintigrates into flaming ash] It’s Obamacare at it’s best, motherfucker!
B: Now that’s what I call health insurance! [thumbs up] - superasente

2. I think the best argument against time travel is the difficulty in determining the physical location of a spot on earth, as time changes. Between the rotation and wobble of the earth, rotation and wobble of the sun, rotation of the solar system within the milky way, the rotation and wobble of the milky way, and the fact that the milky way is expanding outward away from the zero point of the big bang, all of which contain countless variables, even dropping out of time for just an hour, while returning to the same vector space in reality would result in the traveler emerging somewhere other than the Earth.

I am a dork…. - Diablo

…Unless the very mechanism of the time portal relies on the gravitational frame of reference of the Earth.

Yes, I’ve spent a few weed-hazy evenings contemplating it. - Ed

1. “Hi, I’m Candide, and with me is my mentor, Pangloss.”

“Thanks, Candide. Today, we’re going to talk about the atheists’ worst nightmare; the human nose. Now, as we all know, nothing evolves. So, things are now as they always were. If you look at the nose, you’ll see two nostrils; here, and here. The creator of the nose made them excellent for breathing. You’ll notice that if you fold a handkerchief thusly, the nose fits perfectly inside it. This is optimal for blowing the nose when one is sick. Speaking of which, the designer has built-in indicators for the nose. Normal-colored: healthy. Red and puffy: sick. Finally, perhaps the most telling evidence; the nose is designed perfectly for holding spectacles. Truly, this is the atheists’ worst nightmare.” - pissant

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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