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Eloquent Eloquence: We Are the 99%. Of People Who Will Murder You

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | November 11, 2011 |

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | November 11, 2011 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in film reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

10. I’m pretty sure we’d ALL be Republicans if it stood for “Gauntlet of Power.” - space oddity

9. It looks like it’ll do really well. Good for them.

Stories like this one bother me. The socially fucked are lonely and reclusive for a reason, it’s not just bad luck. If you’re cool, it’s not because of how you look or how much money you have, it’s because you can talk to people and you’re comfortable around people (and people are comfortable around you).

But if you’re socially fucked, you’re not going to be comfortable or fun at a party like this, even if you’re the guy who threw it. You’re going to be awkward and nervous and everyone will continue to wish you weren’t there.

If, by some miracle (like a crazy stunt or some shit), you get in good with everyone for a while, you won’t know what to do with all the attention and won’t be able to run with the new social situations that come up.

It’s just silly to me that the majority of stories depict everyone as internally socially normal, and their external circumstances are based entirely on luck. - Lucas

8. Lurker #957 chiming in to agree with everybody else…love the site, love all the commenters. It is my hope to one day come lurk in person at a Pajibacon. If you see someone peering out from behind a potted palm tree, that’s me! - Bothari

7. The notion of Nicolas Cage being paid in real life human dollars does not sit well with me. He should be being paid in pyramids and manna and Vishnu’s tears. - zeke the pig

6. Oh Dustin. Poor, sad, little Dustin. You read that Muppet post all wrong, sir. You thought that was faux outrage? Bah!


Listen, if you’re going to put together a list of the 30 best muppets, you can’t leave out Oscar the fucking grouch and Bert & Ernie. You just can’t. It’s irresponsible, lazy, and unforgivable. And Janice at 30?

Are you afraid of being associated with Hep-C or something?

I say this in all seriousness and without even a hint of wacky jokiness or irony: you are the world’s worst human being. If someone brought Hitler back from the dead with the necronomicon, built rusty steam-punk weaponry into his face and set him loose upon the world, I would still choose to murder you in your infancy over him. I hope someone forcibly violates your mouth-hole with a rusty plumbers wrench covered in Icy Hot no-mess vapor gel until you wretch your fetid, ugly soul onto your computer monitor, short-circuiting the whole mess and thereby granting it artificial inteligence and magic electricity powers to wreck havoc on your shitty, godless life. You putrescent liberal. You’ll never be the man your mother is.

Everyone feels the way I do. We are the 99%. Of people who will murder you. - superasente

5. Every once in awhile, just to mess with her, I remind ,daughter that if I’d been able to get that girl’s button unbuttoned, or if that football game hadn’t been rained out, or if I’d said “I love you” to this one chick, or if I’d walked down the street from campus and asked that newspaper to let me come in weekends and answer phones for free just to get my foot in the door, it’s highly likely I never would have met Mrs. , and ,daughter wouldn’t be here, and hundreds if not thousands of lives would be a little or a lot different. (Butterfly Effect)

I know this may seem trivial compared with some of the tragedies many of you have written about so eloquently, but the truth is the accumulation of dozens of seemingly trivial decisions likely leads you to where you are far more than the Big Ones, and taking a different path at any of those junctures would have meant a different future for you and most everyone around you. You’d probably live in a different place, have a huge number of different family and friends, and many of the ones you have now would never have known you. You wouldn’t exist to them.

(I remember we had a thread about this, it was a Tater Barley Banks weekend diversion maybe a year ago?)

Anyway, you start thinking about this kind of thing long enough, it’ll make you weird.

So I’d be kind of scared to go back and change anything. Not that I’ve never made stupid decisions, but I’d be afraid of what the outcome might be if I took a different path, if I went back and “corrected” those dumb decisions. I might be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, or I might be dead. Roll the dice. Instead, I have what I have, and I rather like it, and if I’m not always happy at least I have a roof over my head and food on the table and a job that pays well for what I do and a wife and a daughter I love and who love me, which makes me content. I maybe could have worked harder and had more ambition, but I’m also lazy, and I like being lazy. - Posted by: ,

4. nice condensation of the Wikipedia entry,
but where else can info be had? This is an exceedingly interesting subject…

Uhm. Books. - The Dude

3. Personally, I liked Captain Jack when he was<,i>pansexual.
He’d fuck a hole in the Space-Time Continuum. - Odnon

2. -Next to her was a prayer that she had written to the devil to send 99 cats to kill King Matthias.-

Which is exactly where we begin the best Puss in Boots origins story ever. - Slopchops

1. I think of hobos all the time. It’s a little known fact that hobo meat, despite (or perhaps because of), a life of alcohol soaked aimless wandering and sleeping rough, is among the most tender of indigent meats.

I’ve said too much, haven’t I? - Groundloop

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.