Eloquent Eloquence, We Are Guest Legion Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and Game of Thrones discussions are ineligible for inclusion and, as I am a delicate flower I refuse to look at the Hannibal article. You can berate me in the comments if something particularly delightful was overlooked, or you feel I have besmirched the honour of this column.
• The Because of the 99 Upvotes Comment of the Week goes to kushiro, although I am loathe to imply that this is a democracy:
18-month-old with fauxhawk.
Be careful, mom. One strike left.
• The Finally, an Explanation That Makes Sense! Comment of the Week goes to Ben who, judging by this contribution, will be back:
Cars is set in a post apocalyptic world, they didn’t build that stuff, the humans did. The cars took over with the help of the sentient military machines (You see sentient ‘car’s types fighter jets doing a fly over, so it stands to reason that all the other military vehicles are sentient too) It’s basically a kidsy cartoony version of the world after skynet wins.
• The Lather, Rinse, Repeat Comment of the Week goes to Zen whose prize is a wall oven. Efficiency, people!:
• The We’re So Funny and Educated Comment of the Week goes to NateMan for being able, aces, admirable, awesome, dynamite, egregious, exceptional, fab, first-rate, hellacious, marvelous, masterly, mondo, out of sight, super-duper, tremendous:
I was attacked by a pack of wild Thesauri once. It wasn’t pretty. Had to defend myself with a shovel….
Exactly. I practically elucidated myself when they tried to maul me.
• The Someone Get Tiffany Gibson on the Horn! Comment of the Week goes to Captain D, Slash, TK, and Steven Lloyd Wilson. Don’t you just love Pajiba?:
Captain D: would it have killed them to at least add some sharks, wildfires, or tornadoes to the clip? Perhaps a tornado consisting of either sharks or fire?
Slash: SharkFireNado. The next made for SyFy movie. With a special effects budget of $15 (an all-time high).
TK: I’m not gonna lie - the word “SharkFireNado” makes my movie dick hard.
Steven Lloyd Wilson: I base all my entertainment decisions on a precision measurement of TK’s movie tumescence.
• The Not Everyone Is Happy for Channing Tatum Comment of the Week goes to Demps351 who has had more success this week than a certain “would be movie star”:
Somewhere Taylor Kitsch is just sort of sitting around not really doing anything. He might go to the gym later.
• The Who Is Already Sick And Pale With Grief, That Thou Her Maid Art Far More Fair Than She Comment of the Week goes to alwaysanswerb who will cut a bitch:
I WILL NOT STAND for Matt Bomer being DISRESPECTED like this! I don’t care if he plays the blandiest McBlanderson in all of Afblandistan! Some light through yonder TV breaks; it is the east, and Matt Bomer’s face is the sun. So say we all, amen.
• The When Cindy Passes the Ball to You, Run With It! Comment of the Week goes to Bert_McGurt for his contributions to the airwaves of Westeros:
These are so fantastic I can’t resist trying to come up with more:
This Old Keep
The Iron Price is Right
Keeping Up With the Baratheons
and of course, Dancing with the Dragons.
And I can’t wait for the paternity testing episode of Varys!
• The If This Were an American Gods Kind of Reality, He’d Only Be Making You Stronger. Plus, Obviously You Manifested Him Comment of the Week goes to Maguita NYC for introducing her Downvote Stalker to [tips hat for intro] competitivenonfiction:
Oh, how rude of me! CNF, let me introduce my Pajiba stalker. My lil’ pet dog.
Little pet, please meet CNF. Quite the nice and knowledgeable Lady.
Wondering what?? Well, I have earned the right to an obsessed fan. Someone who thinks about me, yearns for me all the time. Follows me around, shadowing my every post, hungering for my every word. And whenever feels neglected, for I am a cruel master with an easy whip for bad little xenophobes and misogynist pigs, I get downvoted for my thoughtlessness.
You’re thinking it is not normal for a grown-ass man to stalk a woman, even on the interwebs. You’re thinking it ain’t accepted behavior. I tell you leave my dog alone, for this is adulation at its best.
Doggie, onwards to the Vice post.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Xtacle Steve Go You Huskies!:
Eskimo snuff films never really took off as a genre, despite Eli Roth’s attempt at rebooting Snow Dogs.