Exploring The Bland Interchangeability Of USA Network Shows

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Exploring The Bland Interchangeability Of USA Network Shows

By Joanna Robinson | Seriously Random Lists | June 19, 2013 | Comments ()

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The USA Network specializes in a very specific brand of television. It all started over ten years ago when they stumbled on a surprise hit with "the defective detective" series "Monk." Ever since, they've been churning out enjoyably bland sausage in the form of hour-long high-concept dramas and dramedies. Though the USA Original Programming airs year-round, they ramp up the sausage factory in the summer, stuffing the holes in your DVR. Their smorgasbord of cop/legal/con shows are just the thing for mindless summer entertainment or to provide your folks with non-challenging TV fodder. All in all, I take no issue with USA. It's like being offended by the breeze.

I do, however, take issue with their wildly inaccurate catchphrase "Characters Welcome." Inspired, no doubt, by the antics of Monk and Shawn Spencer, this jaunty little slogan is emblazoned on every speck of advertising. But the concept of character (or even nuanced performance) is what is undeniably absent from the USA slate. In fact, carrying the sausage metaphor well past the breaking point, every single one of these shows is made from the same ingredients crammed into a slightly different casing. No, USA, we're not dealing with characters. We're dealing with archetypes and cliches. So be real about what you're dishing up this summer and don't try to serve me pig snouts and tell me it's bratwurst.

The Clean-Cut Con Artists/Man Children

Blonde Law Enforcement Agents Who Rock The Sh*t Out Of A Pantsuit
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Impossibly Handsome Rogue Agents Who Live At The Beach
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Ever So Slightly Less Handsome Comic Relief That Also Live At The Beach
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Gun-Toting, Badass Babes Who, You Guessed It, Live At The Beach
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Hard-As-Nails Boss Ladies Who Are Seriously Tired Of Your Sh*t
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Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)

Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)

Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his Pussy Posse Wolf Pack were on the douche prowl in NYC. (Lainey)

Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)

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