Eloquent Eloquence, Post-Coitus Lipstick Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and the
Game of Thrones Breaking Bad discussions are ineligible for inclusion. Kind of. It depends.
Edition Runners Up: Muppet Fetish; Headshrink Commando 3: Freudian Force; Asexual Nuns
• The Assume the (Supine) Position Comment of the Week goes to Lauren_Lauren with a nod to bastich for the set up. Your prize is a set of allen keys:
bastich: Man, I just finished paying off my bunk — now I have to buy a fainting couch?
What, is this site owned by Ikea?
Lauren_Lauren: Actually, the FJÄYNTYNNG KOUKH is quite affordable. Mine is green. It looks great next to the BJYNK.
• The Julien Assange Felt the World Needed to Know Comment of the Week goes to Joe Grunenwald for sharing confidential GOOP memorandi:
From: Gwyneth Paltrow/GOOP Central
To: My Besties
Subject: RE: The Black and White Party!
I’ve gotten some questions/concerns about what I mean by ‘black and white party’. First, I’m so disappointed that some of you would say the things that you’ve said. That sort of nastiness is just uncalled for. What I meant is that everyone who comes to the party should WEAR black and white. That’s all.
See you all on Sunday!
>>I’m throwing a black and white party! Everyone who comes to the party
>>should be as black and white as possible! There will be bleachers for your
>>purses and the sort of frivolity you’ve come to expect from the >>Paltrow/Martin family. Plus: croquet! Please respond by Friday so I can tell
>>the caterers how much food we’ll need.
• The The Question Is “What Did She Look Like that When She Came Home With You?” Comment of the Week goes to Finance_Nerd. Your prize is a vat of antibiotics:
While I was in college I woke up in bed w/the girl in the header image after a night of getting drunk on tequila; tequila goggles are the worst
• The Moreover, As You Might Appreciate, Their Implications Were Such as to Provoke a Certain Degree of Sorrow Within Me. Indeed - Why Should I Not Admit It? - At That Moment, My Heart Was Breaking. Comment of the Week goes to van1968 for showing us a missed opportunity:
“…which makes Batman and Robin the only movie in the history of mankind in which Hulk Hogan and Anthony Hopkins were up for the same role.”
Well, that and The Remains of the Day.
• The This Actually Makes Sense Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig. Your prize is beer. Your prize is always beer:
Times like this I realise Jabba knew what he was doing, freezing Han in carbonite all those years ago: he was just making sure that Han could play Han in the inevitable prequels of their lives. Jabba knew what was up. They all called him the most paranoid protoplasmic slug this side of Mos Eisley, but Jabba knew what was up: some Truman Show-in space shit. But Jabba values the sacred nature of spectacle above all else. So why not save the best thing about the whole enterprise? Freeze Han in carbonite. Say what you want about the most paranoid protoplasmic slug this side of Mos Eisley, he sure holy shit I’ve only been awake 5 minutes and this is the first thing I decided to do I need some coffee right now…
• The There Is a Certain Amount of Overlap with the Alice Eve in Her Skivvies Lobby Comment of the Week goes to bastich for encouraging sedition:
You are obviously mistaken. There is no proof of a “Lens Flare Clause” in Abram’s contract, nor is there evidence that Hollywood has always been controlled by the “Lens Flare Lobby”.
(Here, take a pamphlet. We meet at the docks at midnight.)
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to L.O.V.E. for explaining that Jennifer Aniston is indeed perpetually pregnant:
My working theory is that she actually has been pregnant all those times. She carries the fetuses for the first trimester then has her team of doctors and scientist use secret cryochambers to incubate the kids until they grow into teens.
When they are all grown they will wage war with Angelina’s kids. Angelina’s kids are genius operatives her team has recruited.
Two small armies have been raised: one in secret and one out in the open.
2021 is going to be a bloodbath.