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Gwyneth Paltrow Hosts the World's Whitest Party

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | September 13, 2013 | Comments ()


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I am so awkwardly fascinated by this video. I must break it down. I must understand. For it is as though an alien landed upon this planet and threw a party made of fancy as learned from books and public television and fashion show audience pictures and said “now everyone look like you’re having fun!”

Gwyneth dancing.

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Cameron Diaz is completely losing her shit she is so excited to be there.

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Gwnyeth Paltrow is completely losing her shit that this kid (Apple?) in a lion mask did a somersault and so is the whole party and for that alone this child will never be able to experience failure normally.

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“I’m better than the poor!”

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The children are childrening to Gwyneth’s exact specifications.

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Croquet and other “lawn games.”

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Thin people.

thinpeopleparting.jpg

Purses.

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Bored fedora children.

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The rarest site this side of Bigfoot: Chris Martin actually attending something related to his wife.

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Paul McCartney doing a jaunty kick.

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And it all ends with an incredibly long tepid kiss betwixt Gwyneth and Stella McCartney. This video is what will play in my brain’s screensaver.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Jifaner

    It's a launch party for a collaboration with Stella McCartney, who happens to be a good friend of her and her family. I don't know why people are so confused by this.

  • It's not really confusing. It's just ridiculous.

  • Hollyg

    I'm nominating this entire thread for EE. All this venom and scathing comments made me all warm inside, like each one of you gave me a sincere and loving hug.

  • Wigamer

    The black bag in the center of the top bleacher? Retails for $1230, and goop says they're already sold out. The pants being (presumably) worn by the models retail for $845.

  • Maddy

    I do like her dress though, even though I'm sure it cost a bazillion dollars

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Aw, but her mama looks so bohemian chic and happy.

  • SpongebobSquarepeg

    Yeah. Because when black celebrities have parties, it's wall-to-wall ethnic diversity. Sometimes they put Nickelback on the iPod, to keep everyone happy.

  • KC

    I dunno...I like Paltrow's awkward dancing. For some reason it makes me like her more. I'M SORRY DON'T KILL ME.

  • Strand

    There's a shocking absence of cravats.

  • troublesometots

    And jodhpurs. Why are they not wearing jodhpurs!!!

  • SorayaS

    Damn that video felt way longer than a minute and a half. I can't imagine what actually being there was like.

  • Maddy

    And all the people complaining about this - if it's not OK to make fun of GOOP then who can you make fun of? I'm sure she'll be OK. This is hilarious!

  • She'll be just fine. She's made it clear that she literally could not care less about us or what we think about her.

    Mock on, mock on.

  • Maddy

    For some reason I am weirdly fascinated with what Chris Martin thinks about all of this stuff. I really don't understand what they have in common

  • dizzylucy

    I always thought he was sort of an activist, help the down trodden kind of guy, so it's a little weird to see him hanging out at Elitism HQ.

  • Near my house - which is in one of those uber-precious Great American Neighborhood$ politicians trip over their Instagrammed genitals to get photo ops in - there is a street sign that reads "DO NOT IDLE ENGINES; CHILDREN BREATHING."
    I know it's well-intentioned and I'm actually - despite misanthropic pre-coffee grumblings - in favor of children breathing. DEEPLY, even. But that sign makes me want to whip out some dry-cleaning bags and head for the playground. Somehow, it sums up EVERYTHING about adults that turns innocent, charming tiny humans into whiny, self-absorbed, hothouse-flowering junior douchebags.
    I only bring this up because every time Gwyneth Paltrow says or does something, all I can imagine is that somewhere in her childhood was a sign that read "DO NOT IDLE ENGINES; FUTURE GOOP EDITRIX BREATHING".

  • Viking

    Brilliant, I cackled like Lucille Bluth reading that and I have a strong suspicion you are absolutely correct.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    Just from looking at the pictures in this post I lost 5% of the melanin in my system.

  • L.O.V.E.

    I hope one day to be rich enough where all my home videos are three day commercial shoots made for the sole purpose of peddling mommy's housewares.

    Boy, do those women in the header pic look happy to be there. These are Goop's best friends, and she only had to pay them $1000.00 each to be there.
    The second from the left has a "what the fuck is going on here" look to her. Perfect.

  • fleur

    Three of those six women are wearing the exact same shoes, in different colors. I thought the point of spending fuckloads of money on clothes were so you would have exclusive shit. Oh, and please, bored-looking ladies, go eat a sandwich. It will make you feel happier, I promise!

  • ashley

    I know I'm white, but it's posts like these that really make me wish I was white.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    I don't even know what you mean but I kinda know what you're talking about.

  • Finance_Nerd

    That's an amazing Photoshop job on the first photo. You can't see a single broomstick sticking out of the ass of any them. I mean, clearly the broomsticks are there, look at their posture. Kudos to the photographer.

  • webelos8

    So, I can't get YouTube at work, was there any mention that this was a party for Stella McCartney, since they're best pals and all? That would be my guess for the purse bleacher.

  • Viking

    I was wondering the same thing. Was it a place to stash the guests bags or was it a display for the creme de la creme of fashion (Sara J. Parker was there) to get first crack at her new line of over-priced bags? Either way, a weird thing to have at what looks like a children's party. With Paul McCartney in attendance, because, that's normal and not at all a name-droppy thing to do at a kids party. I don't know the whole things comes across as braggy and snobbish.

  • webelos8

    She (Stella McCartney) was there too, wasn't she? I dunno the only one I recognized was Cameron Diaz.

  • Kate

    It was a party to celebrate the launch of Stella's capsule collection, and people brought their kids. It wasn't one of the kid's birthday's or anything like that.

  • Viking

    Oh that makes sense. I think four of those women are hired models, not guests. They are really thin, pose-y, and two of them are wearing the same shoes in different colors.

  • Wigamer

    Right. I mean, it's annoying as hell, but it's really just an awkwardly executed fashion show.

  • e jerry powell

    Martin must have just come back from McDonald's.

  • Slash

    Were they comparing bulimia methods? Stella McCartney looks like the one with the highest body fat (in the top picture) and hers can't be much more than 10%, if that.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Oh God. She's one of those people that make her children preform for guests.

    I can't tell you how much I enjoy it when little Cumquat comes out and does a wobbly cartwheel and caterwauls a One Direction tune. No, really, it's awesome, and you kid is sooooo talented, thanks for inviting me.
    Where's the bar?

  • BlackRabbit

    Hell, send the KID to the bar. That will be entertainment.

  • PDamian

    Jeebus, no kidding. Every time I go to a party and some overly doting parent squeals, "Everybody, gather around! Skyler's going to do a trick/play the piano/sing a song/tell a joke!" I want to burn the house down with everyone in it. And it seems these days as though just about every party I go to features a kiddy performance -- including a few gatherings I could have sworn were for adults.
    /old lady rant over

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Exactly. If you invite me to little Brayden's recital, and I come, I know I'm seeing a kid perform.
    If I'm at a superbowl party and the halftime show is your kid's impression of Beyonce while singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I'm drinking the bar dry. Don't surprise me with that shit.

  • Quatermain

    The worst part about that is that someone thought it was acceptable to name a child 'Skyler.'

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Maybe she is doing all this because she is still so pissed about being too old to play Daisy in Baz's latest movie... or maybe she is just wondering what the poor people are doing.

  • bastich

    She wanted to play Daisy? That had to have been one fancy "Dukes of Hazzard" reboot.

  • Iman Alterego

    Damn, all I can think of is, "I'd rather watch Courtney Love get drunk."

  • Iman Alterego

    This looks like a group of girls you'd root against in a movie like Mean Girls.

  • plz_thx

    If only GOOP and her friends had ALL of the money, maybe they'd be able to afford a decent haircut. Jeebus. That stuff is lankier than Chris O'Dowd.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    Gwyneth Paltrow lives in the beautiful late 19th century of her mind: she is an all-doing multi-talented society lady with a CAREER!! How scandalous! How avant-garde! Yet her garden parties are the event of the season, and everyone would like to copy her lifestyle.

    You know what this lacks, though? Actual humor and blistering social commentary by Oscar Wilde.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    This exact thing. She is insufferable but, dear lord, I hope she never changes.

  • Wigamer

    I love you.

  • Lindsey Gregory

    Cameron Diaz is starting to look like Fire Marshall Bill with all that dang botox.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Can't un-see...

  • They're all so skinny. I want to take them home and feed them burgers and show them the world.

  • Fredo

    I can show you the world
    Shouting, stifling, sickening
    Now tell me, Goopy
    When did you last let
    A fart pass by

    I can open your eyes
    Take you poorer through poorest
    Over, flying and under
    On a bus with immigrants

    A whole new world
    A horrid place you never knew
    No one that serves quinoa
    Or asparagus nello
    And water is not pristine

    A whole new world
    Where people work from 9 to 5
    And when they go home
    They only hope

    Not to hear more from GOOP

  • (stops lowering palm over Bic while clenching teeth - standard GOOP response - and holds Bic aloft, swaying)

  • PDamian

    That was f*(king powerful, man.

  • Viking

    *single tear and sniffles* Lovely.

  • *standing ovation*

  • Idle Primate

    Ha ha ha fuckin white people being fuckin happy at some kind of fuckin culturally traditional fuckin party. And with their kids too! Its just so laughable it needs snide and smug leering. You guys should make this a regular feature and each week feature a different culture. India one week, China the next. Maybe a celebrity Korean wedding. The possibilities are endless. You could go working class too. We could snicker at a kansas corn roast or a creole bbq or St Pats in Boston..

    You guys just crack me up. Good times!

  • Fredo

    A "Cultures of the World"-themed party by GOOPy and her friends would likely break Courtney and Pajiba. Imagine Stella McCartney in Korean bridal gown, Rachel Maddow-clone in Hindu garb or Goopy herself dressed as a Coonass from Atchafalaya.

    Internet would break.

  • pajiba

    Good lord, dude. If you can't poke fun at privileged white people, who the f*ck is left?

  • getreal

    'it's okay to make fun of people if they're white and rich!'
    'it's okay to make fun of people if they're too thin!'

    Have some standards, Pajiba.

  • John G.

    Oh fuck off!

    The super rich don't need you to rescue them, and yes, it's ok for the peasants to throw a few comments their way. It's how we deal with the inequalities of the world, dickhead.

    I'm going to create a thousand new accounts just to downvote you.

  • TK

    Jesus, so when is it OK to make fun of people? Do I have to just sit around waiting for them to take a soccer ball to the berries? Because frankly, I don't have that kind of time.

  • Jezzer

    WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE THIN, WHITE PEOPLE? HAVE THEY NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH????

  • YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THEIR STRUGGLE.

  • Jezzer

    I UNDERSTAND THEY'RE PRONE TO CARPAL TUNNEL INJURIES FROM COUNTING THEIR MONEY.

  • DIAMOND AND CROCODILE SHOES GIVE YOU REALLY BAD BLISTERS, YOU KNOW.

  • Jezzer

    WE! SHALL! OVERCOME!
    WE SHALL OVERCOOOOOOME!

  • Fleur

    Not nearly as much as the thin, white, ridiculously rich people.

  • Jezzer

    Exactly! Do these people not realize how many organic colonics it takes to look like that? >:(

  • Bea Pants

    You beat me to it, and you were funnier. :/

  • TK

    Ugh, now he's going to be even more insufferable.

  • getreal

    I guess it's not okay to make fun of someone for the colour of their skin? And to a lesser extent, their weight?

    Is that too difficult to understand? Does it really limit the things that are 'okay' to make fun of people about?

    Not really.

  • Jezzer

    Well, when you go to cry in your pillow all night over it, be sure to flip it every now and then to soak evenly, or it'll dry all weird.

  • Mrcreosote

    Settle down Francis.

  • lame

    To me, this article was just a bit lame. Who goes through a video/photo like this in order to just make fun of someone and their kids?

  • Lindsey Gregory

    Welcome to the Internet?

  • To me, this commenter is a bit of an asshole. Who goes through an article/funny piece like this in order to just bitch at someone and their post?

  • pajiba

    There's a shelf for purses. A SHELF. FOR PURSES. This woman bought an outdoor mantle to show off handbags and TOOK A PICTURE OF IT and showed it to the world to say, "Look how fucking fancypants me and my friends are. Don't you wish you were me?" Does that not bug the sh*t out of you? Do you not find that a little appalling? Gross?

    LET THEM EAT CAKE.

  • Kate

    Well, considering the party was for the launch of fashion designer Stella McCartney's latest collection, no I don't find that appalling. The bags are the reason they're having a party.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Those weren't purses. Those are $3,000.00 dog doody bags for the rich. Paltrow hasn't touched plastic since '98.

    Honestly, plastic? What is she, a plastic surgeon from Medford? Guffaw.

  • TCH

    In the words of Malcolm Tucker, "let them eat cock"!

  • Maguita NYC

    In the words of one TK, "let them eat a bag of dicks!"

  • TCH

    I like let them eat cock! It is more vulgar.

  • Bert_McGurt

    But, but...what if the cake has (loud whisper) gluten in it?

  • Slash

    Yeah, that purse bleacher (BTW, cool people don't call them purses anymore, they're "bags" - yes, really) is kinda the non-dairy icing on the gluten-free cake.

    If it wasn't for that, I'd think this was a little mean, too. But with that, it's just the right amount of mean.

  • emmalita

    Anyone familiar with GOOP.

  • Martin Jensen

    Who goes through with making, editing and publishing a video in order to just show off their wealth?

  • RandalfTheBlasĂ©

    So they're just as bad as each other?

  • bastich

    I vote for us to mock a father-daughter purity ball next.

    Please oh please?

  • lamearticle

    I know. Courtney's articles are sounding more and more like a teenage tumblr owners as time goes on.

  • Jezzer

    Jesus, if she'd known you got diagnosed with cancer of the sense of humor, she'd have taken a more somber tone.

  • This is heartbreakingly offensive to me as someone who has worked to provide only the most consistent level of teen tumblr quality over the past four years.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    You have to insert more 'Likes' to be convincing.

  • Finn

    Did I see Angela from "the Office"?

  • I've reported my parents for child abuse. Clearly they were holding out on me with their "decorate your own cupcake" and "slip 'n' slide" bullshit birthday parties.

    Where was my purse bleacher, Mom and Dad?! WHERE WAS MY PURSE BLEACHER?!

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    I love the teeny tiny ice cream cones on a tray. Not enough to make you fat, but colorful enough to give you the illusion that Mummy's allowing you to eat a carb.

  • Viking

    I was about to post something similarly catty about that. You did it better.

  • bastich

    Holy shit, you had a "slip n' slide" growing up?!?

    I had a series of garbage bags taped together and a garden hose for my "slip n' slide".

  • TK

    Well excuse the fuck outta me, Mr. Fancypants. We just got shoved down a fucking hill when it was raining.

    You goddamn yuppies with your garbage bags and your office supplies.

  • Mrcreosote

    You had rain!? We lived in the dust bowl and had to slide into piles of asbestos and glass. I know it sounds painful, but fun was frowned upon.
    We also listened to Mumford and Sons. Same reason.

  • Are you sure you were playing ghetto slip 'n' slide, or was your mother just trying to kill you?

  • TK

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA -

    ... aw, fuck.

  • Lux

    This is ALL I can think of...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Z3c-4...

  • emmalita

    I love it! Thanks for bring that bit of sunshine into my life!

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