Well, now you’ve done it. You have done something that has enraged and excited the good souls who buy your movie tickets. You may have even hurt that nice boy’s feelings. Now Lisa Ling hates you. How are you ever supposed to come out on the other side?
Don’t worry. I—your personal self-professed Hollywood PR expert (I have credentials from the internet)—will see you through this troubled time.
1. Don’t be such a whore.
Let’s say you’re a beloved actress. Your husband has allegedly been cheating on your for years. So, one day, you strike up an affair with your attractive (before the puffiness descended) co-star. BOOM. That written “boom” was the sound of your career crashing into the mountain of Hollywood, where it will spend the foreseeable future eating its fellow soccer players (of…movies? I don’t know, I lost this metaphor before it started). For a moviegoing society that so requires its performers to be, as the kids say, sexayyy (I’m assuming the kids are all the little brother from Just One of the Guys), we will fucking turn on you the second you start actually making with the sex. If you fall in love with your co-star while filming, a love that leads to goodwill missions, activism and lots and lots of babies? TOO BAD, WHORE. Your public persona will never fully recover.
It should be noted, however, that if you are not the whore, and your husband/lover leaves you for someone else? You are now an ice bitch who can’t keep a man. Please keep that in mind and plan accordingly.
2. You did something to your face. Don’t do that.
First, you had the audacity to have the sex. Now you’re going to alter your appearance, too?
You. Bitch. How dare you?
A celebrity’s physical appearance apparently belongs to The People. And The People get very upset if the celebrity in question makes a change in that appearance. What I’m saying is never get your hair cut. And really never inject shit in your face. Because that thing you did, however misguided, to make yourself feel good about yourself? Will be ridiculed by your formerly adoring public. Something you had done to your face, which quite possibly means you don’t have the best self-image anyway, will now cause thousands of shitty people to make sure you officially hate yourself.
3. I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but don’t hate Jews or women, at least out loud.
You go right ahead on and hate all the races you want. You will have a perfectly successful career until you get caught blaming those races for all the wars.
Just kidding. Even then you’ll totally bounce back and be pretty okay. Until you threaten to set your girlfriend on fire, demanding she fellate you prior to immolation. Then your comeback becomes a bit more difficult.
4. Sorry about your apparent mental illness. People are going to make fun of you for years about it.
One time, a very famous lady had a complete nervous breakdown, involving shaving her head, locking herself and her small child in a bathroom and being whisked off on a 5150 psychiatric hold. People thought it was hilarious. Another time, a very famous lady shoplifted while high on painkillers she had become dependent on. People found that hilarious, too.
People are terrible.
Please note: being an asshole is not an illness. Lindsay Lohan doesn’t count.
5. Are you hot? Because that helps.
Have you been following the Halle Berry divorce story? Long story short, that chick is NUTS. But, she’s incredibly attractive and no one cares. So, be that hot. Because, if you aren’t, every discussion will inevitably turn into something about your appearance. This is in a different realm of celebrity, but think of Ann Coulter. She’s evil incarnate, and there are lots of things to say about her. But every discussion in which she is involved will turn into “and she’s a dude and she’s ugly.” Which is crazy, because if she was a dude, we’d just be focusing on the evil and not the ugly.
6. You’re going to need to get a penis.
But not one inside of you, you whore (please see #1).
I don’t mean to generalize. But everyone hates women. It’s true. I’ve seen it in the news. And, for that reason, if you’re female, you’re probably not going to recover from this. Because people are terrible. If you’re a man, on the other hand, congratulations! You’ll be fine. Did you leave a vile voicemail to your young daughter? It’s all good, because you are wicked funny on “30 Rock.” Did you beat a very small Barbadian woman within an inch of her life? Here, have some Grammys. Did you sneak into a child’s bedroom while high on crack? You, sir, can seriously have your pick of any adoring fan right now, including the writer of this article.
That should just about cover it. Follow these simple instructions, and you’ll totally pull through. Thank you, and stop having a vagina.