Pajiba Tackles the Issues That Matter: The Haircuts Heard 'Round the World
I’m assuming you’ve heard all about Miley Cyrus’s new haircut. I mean, naturally, I’d imagine you’d have seen your hourly Google Alert announcing all the most important updates regarding all things Miley Cyrus, but just in case your email is down or you dropped your phone in a puddle of your own lost dreams, I just wanted to make sure you know: Miley Cyrus got a haircut. And people have feelings about it.
I kind of like it. She looks like Agyness Deyn and Tabatha Coffey had a baby that turned 19 and decided she was punk as fuck, but I like it. It gives me the uncomfortable concerns that I hope, for the sake of The Hemsworth That Isn’t Chris Or the One Who Looks Like Rudy, are unfounded. Totally drastic haircuts often signify life upheavals. Totally drastic haircuts when you are a very famous former child star often signify as yet untreated mental illness. So, hopefully, you know, it’s not that.
In sunnier news (sunnier than postulating that Hannah Montana may have some manner of mood disorder based entirely on a dye-and-chop job? Implausible!) other stars have had way dumber haircuts than this one. Let’s make fun of them!
So, she doesn’t have this hair anymore, and we as a nation pretty much don’t even have a Kate Gosselin anymore, because, eventually, goodness prevails (in favor of the next serving of terrible) but we really can’t forget that this bullshit haircut was all over our televisions and some people actually liked it. I saw women walking around wearing this haircut like they weren’t assholes or something. Boy have I got news for them.
Tie: Pretty ladies with dipshitty short bangs
Courteney Cox, circa Scream 3
Buffy Summers, circa “Amends”
Ally McBeal, circa season 4
(this Calista Flockhart picture does not do these bangs justice. These bangs were rough and damaging. Like her relationship with Billy)
Remember when tiny bangs happened? It was short-lived, like Yahoo Serious, and awful, like Yahoo Serious. Luckily, we made it out okay. But the scars remain.
Scarlett Johansson’s mullet
This is what I feel like is happening with Miley Cyrus—a grandiose notion of one’s own artsiness and originality, leading to what some may consider a terrible decision regarding one’s own follicular identity. Also, this was ugly as shit and she looked like Aileen Wuornos.
’90s Boy Banders
See Nick Carter up there, top right? I would have handed him my virginity on a platter, garnished with parsley. You’re stupid when you’re a teenager, you see.
You see, when John Travolta isn’t playing a one-sided game of grabass with masseurs, he’s trying really hard to hide the fact that he’s been bald since Staying Alive and doing a bang up job of it.
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