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Laura Dern Says 'No' to Bradley Cooper

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | September 17, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | September 17, 2019 |


Friends, the Summer of Who’s Gonna Scoop Coop is drawing to a close and the women he was linked to this summer are slowly but surely withdrawing their names from consideration of becoming Mrs. Bradley Finneas J. Weatherbottom Cooper (note that I made his middle names up, but it works, doesn’t it?) More to the point, Laura Dern is letting the world know that B.Coop is not in the running to become Mr. Laura Dern, more like it.

She recently told Us Weekly (of all places) the “truth”:

“We’re amazing friends. We’re so lucky. And we’re family,” Dern, 52, told Us Weekly exclusively at L.A. Loves Alex’s Lemonade culinary event in Los Angeles on Saturday, September 14.

The article continued:

“I mean, everybody’s always gonna comment about whatever seems intriguing, and he’s the greatest human, and one of my best friends in the world. So I don’t blame anyone for having deep curiosity about his life cause he’s spectacular,” Dern said.

OK. Look. Do I believe this?

Yes, actually. Laura Dern is the coolest and I picture her dating the inventor of Pop-Tarts, not the star of Limitless. In fact, I picture the inventor of Pop-Tarts as dating all the women Cooper has been linked to this summer:

Anna Wintour
Jennifer Garner
Angelina Jolie
Lady Gaga

It’s almost as if the inventor of Pop-Tarts (a light Google search tells me no one is publicly credited for creating these delicious pastries; clearly someone likes their privacy) has hired Bradley Cooper to be his public face while he courts these famous women in private.

What makes more sense, here?

Bradley Cooper, who became single at the beginning of the summer, is linked to a bevy of famous women because publications (like Pajiba) realized a lot of people care about this and will click on articles about who he’s dating; or a reclusive, aging inventor of mass-produced morning pastries (that can be eaten either hot or cold) has hired Coop as a diversion to be seen out and about with said famous women in order to cover for the mysterious, reclusive inventor who wants to get to know them in private?

Yup, I thought so.

I bet the only question you have now is what does this have to do with the mole people, whom I’ve mentioned in basically every article about Bradley Cooper’s love life this summer…I know you can connect the dots here, friend.

Just who is the inventor of Pop-Tarts? Are they human … or a humanoid mole person?



Header Image Source: Getty