Bradley Cooper is Not Dating Laura Dern, Anna Wintour, or Lady Gaga. It’s Jennifer Garner’s Turn
Another day, another Bradley Cooper dating rumor.
Yes, friends, the summer of B.Coop’s summer of rumored love is still going. To get you up to speed, we know that he’s probably not (still?) dating the following women:
Me. (Believe me, if I were dating Coop, you all would be the first to know. Obviously, but I can’t speak for the other Overlords. Also, god help us if he gets linked to Meghan McCain.)
So, who is Cooper rumored to be dating now? If you had Jennifer Garner on your B.Coop Dating Bingo card, you can safely mark that one down because this is (rumored to be) happening, people.
Emphasis on rumored and people—because this news is not for the lizard-alien hybrids who walk among us and are pretending to be us, in order to execute their nefarious plans. No, if you fit that bill, move along, pal. There’s nothing for you to see here.
Yup, per a lot of non-People.com sources (so take it with a massive grain of salt, friends) Cooper and Garner are rumored to be hammering out the contractual obligations of a public romance. Sorry, I meant, rumored to be spending time together.
You’ll recall, if you’re an old like me, that Cooper and Garner used to star together in Alias, a show that went off the air 13 years ago, so children entering into middle school will have no idea of its existence. Or maybe they would, I’m not particularly up to date on what the youths of today like to stream. All I know is that the Teletubbies sun baby is like, 50, now. (Jokes. She’s 24.)
Yes, per the International Business Times (which, as we all know, the best celebrity gossip comes from business publications) Cooper and Garner are together now. Related, she got a haircut? How do I know? It’s all in the headline! Jennifer Garner Stuns In Her New Hairstyle Amid Bradley Cooper Dating Rumors
I love it when they do the heavy lifting for me.
Per the source:
Earlier this month, Garner was spotted stopping by at Cooper’s house in Los Angeles. The publication [Women’s Day] insisted that the visit was a “secret date” implying that there was a blossoming romance between the two.
An unnamed insider said that it would not be surprising if Garner and Cooper were finally taking their friendship to the next level. The source added that the timing couldn’t be more perfect for the pair to “make a real go of things once and for all.”
So, do I think this is happening? I mean, maybe? Stranger things have happened, like Stranger Things getting a third season even though the second season didn’t really live up to the expectations of the first, yet we’ll probably get a 4th season because why not?!
The larger question we need to be asking ourselves is: why?
Why is Bradley Cooper amassing a bevy of women he is being linked to this summer? Is it because our society at large refuses to let single people be single, insisting on coupling us all up. Or could it be that Cooper knows something we don’t?
Indulge me for a brief moment, friends. What if Bradley Cooper knows that the 2009 classic (and I use that word very loosely, here) 2012 wasn’t some dumb disaster movie created to jump on the end of the world prophecy hype of 2012, but actually a prediction for a time yet to come? Typos happen all the time. What if 2012 is really 2022, which could be the year of the mole people. (You know, mole people, the subterranean race of humanoid monsters who look to our above-ground domination, and plot to have their day? The one true predators of the lizard-alien hybrids who plague our world, now?!) So, Cooper, using that movie as a blueprint, is amassing a group of women to join him on one of the top-secret arks the government is building (which government you might ask? Dumb question, it’s the government, friend) in order to survive the inevitable climate change catastrophe the movie set forth, all because the mole people are finally attempting to have their literal day in the sun and are behind the whole thing.
It would explain a lot as to why Cooper keeps getting linked to famous women, wouldn’t it?
Think about it, which is the more probable explanation here: generating clicks off of Cooper and whatever woman he’s rumored to be dating’s popularity or mole people?
I rest my case.
Header Image Source: Getty