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Welcome to the Masturbatorium


Pajiba Dirty Talk / Dr. Pisaster

Miscellaneous | June 8, 2010 | Comments (109)


The summer after my junior year, I attended a national conference for high schoolers on medicine because … well mostly because it was in Chicago and got me out of my parents’ house for a week. I don’t remember much about the conference, but I do remember one that afternoon we attended talks on various branches of medicine. I ended up at the talk on psychiatry, not because I have any particular interest in psychiatry, but because it seemed more interesting than any of the other options. And boy was it. It turned out that the psychiatrist that the organizers had booked to talk to a room full of high schoolers specialized in sex therapy. She was, as so many sex therapists seem to be, a tiny old woman who delighted in shocking people much younger than herself with her frankness about a subject so many of us find awkward. She discussed her work helping couples with various sexual issues and demonstrated sexual positions using anatomically correct pipe cleaner dolls, but the part of her talk I remember best was her admonition to us, the young women especially, to masturbate. She pointed out that many women have difficulty achieving orgasm with a partner and made the very reasonable case that you can’t expect anyone to do something for you that you don’t know how to do yourself. I considered myself to be sexually open and sex positive (though I was still a couple years away from losing my virginity), but the idea that I could take matters into my own hands had honestly never occurred to me. It was only at the age of 17, after someone in a position of authority — someone with a medical degree — effectively gave me permission to do so that I started on the road of self love.

Our culture has issues, to say the least, with the idea of masturbation. It’s accepted that men will do it, and there’s even some adolescent pride taken in it among young boys, but it’s still seen as shameful and dirty to an extent. Just ask any guy whose girlfriend has caught him in the act how well it’s gone over. For young women, who are often expected to be prim and unsexual, the problem is even worse. Studies show that approximately 80 percent of men and only 45 percent of women masturbate or have masturbated (or at least will admit to it on a survey). Those numbers have only moderately improved since the ’80s, and haven’t really changed at all since the early ’90s, despite increasing openness about sex. Part of the problem, no doubt, is the way we talk about masturbation. Scientists, being as sex obsessed as everyone else, have devoted numerous studies lately to showing the benefits of masturbation. There is some evidence that male masturbation increases sperm fitness, and therefore improves the chances of impregnating a partner and passing on ones genes to the next generation. That’s right boys, wanking off may be an evolutionary adaptation. One employed by most mammals, actually, not just humans. As for women, there is the previously mentioned use of masturbation as a tool to improve partner sex. Women who masturbate are more likely to orgasm during piv intercourse than women who don’t. Oh, and female primates of other species also masturbate, albeit at a slightly lesser rate than the males. Basically, all the evidence says that masturbation is normal, healthy, and even beneficial.

So why is masturbation still such a fraught issue? Well for one thing, because even when talking about it positively, we tend to frame it terms of its effect on partner sex (and especially reproductive sex). We’re much less likely to simply accept masturbation as a means unto itself, something that it’s fine to do for no other reason than it feels good. The search for evolutionary reasons for masturbation is, in a way, a symptom of this. Why even start from the assumption that masturbation has to have a purpose, as so many studies do? Maybe it’s simply a byproduct of sexual arousal and the fact that sex is pleasurable. It makes sense, from an evolutionary perspective, that our method of reproduction is enjoyable — it helps the species propagate if procreation is something that individuals engage in enthusiastically. But if we’re designed to feel good when our genitals are stimulated in the context of reproductive sex, then it’s only to be expected that the byproduct of that is that it will feel good when they’re stimulated in other circumstances. Think of it as analogous to drugs: we don’t enjoy drinking alcohol or smoking pot because our brains are designed to respond to drugs. We enjoy them because they mimic neurochemicals that our own bodies produce. The ability to be high or stoned or buzzed is an unintended side effect of other evolutionary processes, not something nature intended. But hey, it’s there so why not enjoy it (responsibly, of course)?

Look, masturbation shouldn’t have to be a means to an end — be it fitter sperm or better orgasms with a partner. We should be able feel comfortable enough with our bodies to be able to explore them without shame. We should be able to think of ourselves as sexual beings that deserve physical pleasure from stimulation, and self-love is the purest way to express that. It’s shouldn’t make you feel dirty or embarrassed (well, unless that’s what you get off on). It’s natural and healthy. Animals do it. Young children, both male and female, do it (at least until their parents catch them and shame them out of it). It’s the first step, not to better sex, but to better understanding and acceptance of your own sexuality, and as such it’s something that we all really should be doing.

Does writing an internet column on sex count as a position of authority? Because I’m giving you all my permission to masturbate freely and for no other reason than because you enjoy it. (Just don’t do it in front of me, please.)

Dr. Pisaster has a doctorate in biophysics, not actually anything sexy. She does however enjoy having sex, reading about sex, and talking about sex. Especially when she’s had a little whiskey.


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Comments

One-handed applause please.

Posted by: Fredo at June 8, 2010 4:23 PM

i buy sex toys for my female friends. i bought my roommate in college a beaver (it's the precursor to the rabbit.) and i've bought at least three rabbits for various female friends over the past few years.

i was going to buy one for my friend for her birthday this year, but another friend of mine beat me to it.

i get the good vibes catalog delivered to my house.

i don't understand women who don't own vibrators.

Posted by: stopthemadness at June 8, 2010 4:26 PM

admonition to us, the young women especially, to masturbate. She pointed out that many women have difficulty achieving orgasm with a partner and made the very reasonable case that you can’t expect anyone to do something for you that you don’t know how to do yourself.

THANK YOU!!! I have been harping on this for ages. I'm actually in the process of working up my courage to propose this as a topic for my church's Women's group.

I definitely started young, and there are advantages. Parents should not teach shame on this topic, only responsibility. I hope that I will be mature and encouraging when I have kids and they figure out the combos on their joysticks.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at June 8, 2010 4:35 PM

Stopthemadness-I don't have one because mine broke and I'm too cheap to buy another :)

I remember having a discussion regarding masturbation with 5 of my girlfriends back in college. One of them got up the nerve to ask us if we had ever "touched ourselves like that" and immediately two of my best girlfriends exclaimed "Ew, no!" I was SHOCKED. Only me and my friend who posed the question owned up to it. She later bought me my first vibrator, and for that I love her.

Posted by: Julie at June 8, 2010 4:36 PM

Other benefits to female masturbation:
*helps you sleep more soundly
*stave away cramps
*increase blood flow
And, of course, makes you cum. Which is important, people.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at June 8, 2010 4:38 PM

I lost my virginity when I was 17, but I didn't begin masturbating until I was in my early 20s. It is no coincidence that I didn't have my first orgasm with a partner until I was in my early 20s as well. THAT WAS FIVE YEARS OF ORGASMS I COULD HAVE BEEN HAVING, PEOPLE!

I now regularly masturbate, both with my husband assisting and completely on my own. Somedays, I just want the oomph without all the hullabaloo.

Posted by: feramones at June 8, 2010 4:39 PM

"It was only at the age of 17, after someone in a position of authority — someone with a medical degree — effectively gave me permission to do so that I started on the road of self love."

Say listen, I'm not entirely sure what it is, but this sentence confused the hell outta me - a little too vague, I guess. Is there any chance you could expand on it a bit? Maybe a touch more detail? Actually, the more detail the better...

Just gimme a second to light these aromatherapy candles and... hold on... my pants are all twisted up... just... wait, hold on a minute...

Okay. Now. Now go into detail please. Lean a little closer to the microphone. Nice and slow. I'd really, really, really like to understand what it was you were talking about.

...

...

I'm so very sorry that it had to come to this.

Posted by: Skitz at June 8, 2010 4:43 PM

She later bought me my first vibrator, and for that I love her.

I know that was completely innocent so forgive me for this:

*faint*

Posted by: Vermillion at June 8, 2010 4:44 PM

Damn, I wish I had the kind of friends who'd buy me a vibrator. I think my group and I talked about it once and had to stop because one of the girls was feeling massively embarrassed. Then we never brought it up again.

Posted by: figgy at June 8, 2010 4:47 PM

I love my parents for many reasons, but one of the biggest is their openness, frankness, and understanding about all things sex. They taught me the birds-n-bees before we had a class about it in grade school, because they wanted to be sure I got the proper emotional education as well as the scientific. When they caught me masturbating, around 13 I guess, they told me that it was natural and that I shouldn't be ashamed, I should enjoy myself. Just not in the living room watching Showtime at midnight. Not too long after that my dad got me the subscription to Playboy that I still have. My parents rock. And so does our good Dr. Pisaster.

Posted by: RobP at June 8, 2010 4:49 PM

Posted by: figgy at June 8, 2010 4:47 PM

YOU don't get to post here, Miss "Ban The Bunk"! Here we are, given an entire post to talk about shaking hands with the bishop, and you manage to hamstring nearly half of our vocabulary!

Bah! *waves free hand in dismissive gesture*

Posted by: Vermillion at June 8, 2010 4:50 PM

@stopthemadness quoted "i don't understand women who don't own vibrators."


So vibrators translate what women say or something?

Posted by: arrrghzi at June 8, 2010 4:55 PM

Yeah, why don't I have friends like these? Um, hello friends, good vibrators are expensive, who wants to buy one for me?

Also, RobP, you and your parents clearly rock, and I apologize for ever thinking you were a pale, skinny emo boy.

Posted by: MM at June 8, 2010 4:56 PM

Really? People still find masterbating shameful? I'm friends with a lot of women, and every one of them freely admits to owning a vibrator and to using it. Maybe it's because we're all over 4o and can't be bothered with the shame of self love. If so, it's one of the benefits of aging!

By the way, the stats quoted in this piece seem on the low side. I've seen studies that state that more than 60% of women and 99% of men masterbate.

Posted by: jimbob at June 8, 2010 4:57 PM

I have no idea why this is on Pajiba. But I thank Godtopus that it is.

Happy fappin'.

Posted by: TSF at June 8, 2010 4:58 PM

I've never liked vibrators. No matter how strong or weak, I always end up numb in about a minute and a half. (this is another reason I stopped riding my bike to work, screw environmentalism - I want functional nerves 'twixt my nethers)
Good old-fashioned manual stimulation is just dandy, and you can take it anywhere.

Posted by: king at June 8, 2010 4:58 PM

I was 23 when I gave myself my first orgasm, I was like holy shit, did I die? When I was 27 my then friend w benefits bought me a Hitachi Magic Wand. We are getting married in October.

Posted by: blacksred at June 8, 2010 4:58 PM

Anyone who tries to discourage masterbation is an uptight, puritanical pervert. And that goes doubly for those that advocate clitoridectomy.

Posted by: EricD at June 8, 2010 4:58 PM

Hey! Props to using Tracer Bullet's Masturbatorium in the headline.
And speaking of props...
I am a big fan. HUGE. What has surprised me is how many men tell me that they have never used sex toys with a partner DURING sex, let alone at any other time. Not that anyone seems to have an issue with it, just undiscovered country. That's a shame. Really, break out Mr. Shocky and give it a whirl!

So a friend of mine hosted one of these sex toy parties (like a tupperware party, only FUN) and at some point her husband wandered through the room. He lamented "Well, it looks like I could be completely replaced for about $20."
The room replied in UNISON
"Less!"

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 8, 2010 4:58 PM

I have a friend who used to do the sex toy parties. You know, like the tupperware or candle parties, but with sex toys? Very handy. My friends and I have always been very open in discussing this sort of thing, which is nice. And fun.

Also, dear Dr. Pisaster, I'm greatly enjoying these new columns. Interesting line of topics, and I find your writing lovely and engaging.

Posted by: Katers at June 8, 2010 5:02 PM

So vibrators translate what women say or something?

yes! although sometimes i prefer braille.

wink wink.

Posted by: stopthemadness at June 8, 2010 5:03 PM

Ha ha, Lwa"E" and I seem to be on the same page with the sex toy parties.

Posted by: Katers at June 8, 2010 5:04 PM

I've never liked vibrators. No matter how strong or weak, I always end up numb in about a minute and a half. (this is another reason I stopped riding my bike to work, screw environmentalism - I want functional nerves 'twixt my nethers)

have you tried any of the vibrators that don't "vibrate," per se, but rather pulse? that's the ticket. rabbit pearl, FTW.

i'm jus' sayin'.

Posted by: stopthemadness at June 8, 2010 5:05 PM

i don't understand women who don't own vibrators.

Posted by: stopthemadness at June 8, 2010 4:26 PM

And I don't understand the Amish -- another group that willingly forsakes power tools. Maybe some of them are just putting the "self" back into self-satisfaction?

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 8, 2010 5:08 PM

*sniff* That is the sweetest thing, blacksred. I hope it is in your vows.

figgy, head down to Dallas Fine Arts, the monstrously huge porn store; they have all manor of naughty accessories.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at June 8, 2010 5:11 PM

I have a friend who used to do the sex toy parties. You know, like the tupperware or candle parties, but with sex toys? Very handy. My friends and I have always been very open in discussing this sort of thing, which is nice. And fun.

I find it ironic that, even with the advent of such parties, that the default multiple-girl fantasy is a sleepover/pillow fight scenario. It seems like a few stpes could be skipped with the adjustment.

I am alllllll about efficiency in these pants.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 8, 2010 5:13 PM

Didn't start until I was into my early 20's. What a fucking waste of years.

Also, sex is a hundred times better now that I know what gets me off.

Thanks, vibrator!

Posted by: sarahk at June 8, 2010 5:13 PM

stopthemadness - I've tried several different kinds, my favorite being the LELO Liv. It has 5 different modes with adjustable strength, it's quiet, holds a charge like a champion and it's even pretty. But...Meh. I'm still a low-tech girl at heart. I've had almost 30 years of practice so I'm pretty good with the tools I was born with.

Posted by: king at June 8, 2010 5:17 PM

i hear ya, king.

Posted by: stopthemadness at June 8, 2010 5:21 PM

I'm just going to put a few things together here so bear with me.

Just ask any guy whose girlfriend has caught him in the act how well it’s gone over.

Somedays, I just want the oomph without all the hullabaloo.

Preach! I'm all for doing the deed but, dammit, I'm allowed to have me time too. And given that some peoples libidos don't exactly sync up (Kids, work, school, etc.) don't get upset, lend a hand. I know I would.

Posted by: admin at June 8, 2010 5:22 PM

And I don't understand the Amish -- another group that willingly forsakes power tools. Maybe some of them are just putting the "self" back into self-satisfaction?

i obviously phrased that badly. i meant i don't understand women who don't own vibrators and who don't strum their own banjo. the friends i am thinking of don't use vibrators or anything.

PHRASING!

Posted by: stopthemadness at June 8, 2010 5:23 PM

i've found that women who don't masturbate regularly are the ones who will get upset when they catch their boyfriend/husband/whatever doing it.

the "am i not enough" routine is ridiculous, in my opinion.

Posted by: stopthemadness at June 8, 2010 5:25 PM

Electricity is my friend.
Batteries are my friend.
Electrical equipment is my friend.
I'll even use a vibrator while my husband is asleep and if it wakes him up, too damn bad, I'm busy.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 8, 2010 5:28 PM

the "am i not enough" routine is ridiculous, in my opinion

Thank you, stopthemadness! I feel bad for guys who've actually heard that one. Are there really ever enough orgasms? And wouldn't you rather he's getting the extras from his hand and not from another chick?

Posted by: MM at June 8, 2010 5:28 PM

@stopthemadness (et al.):

As a general rule I try not to write lengthy diatribes here, but I may have been overly brief in my initial response. My ex- had vibrators, loved vibrators, and I added to her collection; that was all fine and dandy. The current Mrs. G has a rather different outlook, but enjoys sex -- solo and otherwise, replete with as many orgasms as she can tolerate -- every bit as much as my vibrator-loving ex. In fact, Mrs. G is the better partner because she isn't as selfish and demanding as my ex (not that I'm intending to link vibrators with selfishness -- that part is just a coincidence in my unscientific observations). Anyhow, I've suggested adding toys to our repertoire and she has resisted. She claims to have tried vibrators in the pasts and came away (heh, heh) unimpressed. I have no idea about her previous experiences, but I respect her stated desires. Why make something complicated when simplicity is working just fine?

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 8, 2010 5:34 PM

Studies show that approximately 80 percent of men and only 45 percent of women masturbate or have masturbated

Wait, do you mean like, today? I mean so far today?

What.

-Frob

P.S. My ex never masturbated until after we broke up. Ten years with nothing, now she's battery powered. I could never quite figure out if that was compliment or not.

Posted by: frobme at June 8, 2010 5:37 PM

Why make something complicated when simplicity is working just fine?

agreed! for women who feel icky about self-manipulation, a vibrator is a nice way to start.

whatever it takes for women to get what's coming to them (heh) is fine by me!

speaking of, my FWB just texted. marvelous.

gotta go!

Posted by: stopthemadness at June 8, 2010 5:40 PM

I am quite shocked to see most people (women I assume) didn't start until their 20s!! I think I began unaware-masturbation around 9 or 10 and conscious around 13 or 14. Shower heads... helpful things to a young teen, still use 'em every now and then. Unfortunately, I felt very very guilty everytime due to stupid religious convictions and the fact that all my friends denied it up until our early 20s (including myself). Turns out we were all big fat liars.

Also, my vibrators all broke and I am too poor to buy new ones. Let me tell you, best decision EVER to not replace them! I now can actually FEEL what's going on down there and determine what feels good, what works, what doesn't, what is the exact spot etc. A vibrator doesn't allow that intimacy with yourself --- you can't pass on the knowledge of pulsation and vibration to a partner. For the vibrator-users, I highly highly recommend putting it down and spending some manual time with yourself! It's really worth it. I'll never go back to a vibrator.

Posted by: petalfrog at June 8, 2010 5:41 PM

Thanks for the kind words, MM, I almost didn't post that since I'm a dude and this clearly seems a post geared toward the ladies. But, whatever, I just wanted to share that some people do it right.

...heh...

Also, Lindsey with an 'e', you're absolutely right. Toys for the bedroom are so much more fun than toys for the backyard.

Posted by: RobP at June 8, 2010 5:43 PM

I have no idea why this article is up, but I'm all for Pajiba Dirty Talk and spending time in the masturbatorium!

Posted by: Draya at June 8, 2010 5:45 PM

jimbob, I think people get more relaxed about sexuality as they age, but yes, there's still a lot of shame attached to masturbation. As a teenager/early 20s-something in the midwest, I knew more women who didn't than did, and a handful of men who didn't either. I know more women who do now, but frankly my friends skew pretty liberal. They aren't exactly representative of the population as a whole.
As for the statistics, my sources are: http://www.springerlink.com/content/h204278732u0x4gj/ and http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20063924 (I promise to link my sources in the future for the fact checkers out there - I was feeling shamefully lazy yesterday)
It's hard to get a truly representative sample for something so intimate, so really any statistics on this stuff should be taken as rough. As a general rule, if the source is a news agency or magazine, don't trust it. If it's from a university or institute and published in a scientific journal, it's much more likely to be accurate. Lots of newspapers run their own informal surveys as if they were scientific results when really they aren't.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at June 8, 2010 5:48 PM

I'm impressed by the number of blind Pajibans there are, and computer-literate too.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 8, 2010 5:50 PM

Whenever a female friend tells me that she doesn't masturbate, I respond the same way I do to people who dislike potatoes.
Friend: I don't like potatoes.
Me: We can't be friends anymore.

Posted by: sheshakes at June 8, 2010 5:52 PM

For those of you who missed the first entry in this column, which explains WHY you're seeing this on Pajiba... click here.

Posted by: Rykker at June 8, 2010 5:52 PM

Just don’t do it in front of me, please.

Oh.

/Hastily buttons pants.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 8, 2010 5:54 PM

RobP
Hey, Why can't it be BOTH! You can take it in the back yard, TRUST ME.

As far a self manipulation, if that is waht makes your toes curl, all the power to ya. It never did much for me though, and I am old enough to not want to waste time. Life is uncertain, eat dessert FIRST!
If you know what I mean.
And you DO.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 8, 2010 5:56 PM

Shower heads... helpful things to a young teen, still use 'em every now and then. Unfortunately, I felt very very guilty everytime due to stupid religious convictions and the fact that all my friends denied it up until our early 20s (including myself). Turns out we were all big fat liars.

Posted by: petalfrog at June 8, 2010 5:41 PM

As long as I'm singing the praises of Mrs. G, I might as well go all in. I know (because she has told me) that she has already had a "self-pleasure" talk with our teenage daughter (now 17). Part of that (ongoing) discussion apparently involves the wonders of the massaging showerhead -- particularly the handheld variety. I'm also sure that daughter doesn't know that mom tells me everything, so it's been amusing to hear her (daughter's) excited reaction when a hotel bathroom has one.

What a great parent she is. I appreciate hell out of the fact that our kids will be the well-adjusted ones and/or the sources of great wisdom in their peer groups.

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 8, 2010 5:59 PM

Gets rid of cramps like absolutely nothing else.

Nature's Midol > Human Midol

Posted by: esme at June 8, 2010 5:59 PM

Sweet, sweet masturbation. It was sort of Taboo for me, in an all boys Catholic high school. It just wasn't talked about. Then came college....

My next door neighbor in my fraternity house had something he called his "cummy bear". I told him to use a tube sock like everyone else, and to quit putting that disgusting bear above the couch in his room.

I've definitely found that women who are open about masturbating, and practice often, are easier to bring to climax. Thanks for the info, Doc!

Posted by: logar at June 8, 2010 6:00 PM

I'm impressed by the number of blind Pajibans there are, and computer-literate too.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 8, 2010 5:50 PM

With hairy palms to boot!

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 8, 2010 6:01 PM

"am i not enough"
What? Hell baby, you are the main event! Get in the game!

And as far as 'doing it in front of me,'
Ummm, can I HELP? Need a target?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 8, 2010 6:02 PM

The devout Catholic in me wants to say masturbation is a sin, end of story, and be done with it.

But the performer in me knows that sometimes, the only way I can calm my ass down before an audition or performance is some bunk time when I wake up on the big day. So, primal urges win for the benefit of my career.

And that's why Catholics have confession. A couple Hail Marys and I'm good to go.

Posted by: Robert at June 8, 2010 6:07 PM

Have any of the Pajibans tried the Fleshlight yet? Kevin Smith raves about it.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 8, 2010 6:13 PM

I've been considering it, Optimus, but I haven't ordered one yet.

Posted by: Rykker at June 8, 2010 6:15 PM

Woo, I love this place! I went to a conservative Christian prep school and then a Catholic university, so most of my friends are super prudes and won't talk about this stuff with me. I'm glad to know where the sexy people come together. (See what I did there?)

Posted by: Dorothy Snarker at June 8, 2010 6:28 PM

oh boy this is embarassing, be prepared for TMI ok so I did start masturbating since I was 8 or 9 and I've been a pretty big fan since, I only have one trouble. since I started so sson the way I did was... well.. humping my pillow, pretty effective, the thing is I just kept doing it the same freaking way which means that actually using my hands just doesn't do it, and I tried cause I always feel i'm an amateur masturbator and I need to grow in that department as well, cause when i have sex with another human being I happen to really orgasm only if I'm on top and everything else though incredibly fun really doesn't get the job done.
so what's wrong with me? pajibans help me out.
i can't belive I just tapped that out.

Posted by: rio at June 8, 2010 6:29 PM

I love this little corner of the Internet right here. That is all, carry on : )

//K

Posted by: k3ik0 at June 8, 2010 6:31 PM

rio, thanks to my advice column addiction (the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have a problem...) I can tell you that you certainly aren't the only person to get stuck in a masturbation rut that affected your sex life. Honestly, it's a good thing you can get off during sex, even if it is position dependent, because some people can't even do that. The typical advice I've seen is to start varying your masturbation technique and training your body to respond to different things. You might try searching through Dan Savage's archives to see specifically what's suggested. I think Professor Foxy at feministing has addressed the issue too. It's actually not all that uncommon a problem.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at June 8, 2010 6:39 PM

I think that it is necessary to shame dudes. Because if you give us free license to do it then we will do absolutely nothing else.

Even with shame guys'll do it all the time. But without it? Get prepared for the response to every question to your boyfriend/husband/sons/male friends to be "GO AWAY! ...'BAITIN'!"

But, seriously, maybe it's different for ladies. But baitin' saps my motivation to do anything a great deal. Anyone else have the same issue?

Posted by: Balls Mahoney at June 8, 2010 6:42 PM

Just takes some practice and diversification, rio.
I, too, was somewhat dependent on props (shower-heads work for guys, too, btw) when I was a young'un.
But once I found a girlfriend who was equally at ease about masturbation and [quite, sometimes over-] eager to "lend a hand" during my "me" time, I had no problem becoming sensitized to mis manos.


Posted by: Rykker at June 8, 2010 6:46 PM

"I can't believe I just tapped that out"

God knows I've said that more than once.

As for your problem, just practice with yourself and with your partner as often as possible. It's like a dude teaching himself to be ambispankuous- proficient with either hand. It might feel impossible at first, but eventually you get to enjoy it. Like a stranger's hand... ahem. Even if that doesn't work, hey- you can still orgasm regardless. Win/win.

Posted by: logar at June 8, 2010 6:56 PM

I always assumed the post-self-coital shame was due to inbuilt catholic guilt and the context of the wank. For example I am far too lazy with my wanking to wait till everyone is out the house. It ends up being a stealth act. I find the least squeaky chair, in the deserted point of the house, late at night and try to make it go as quietly as possible.

There is also always that clarity afterwards where my perfectionist self thinks, if only I'd waited a half day or so longer that would have been a much more satisfactory wank.

All this effort to maintain my asexual hermit lifestyle, its a wonder I dont feel more shame.

Posted by: jim of the lower case at June 8, 2010 7:05 PM

Regarding the Fleshlight, if I were a single man, I'd be all over it. In my house, I think there is a bit of a sex toy double standard. What is good for the goose is not necessarily allowed to the gander.

Posted by: logar at June 8, 2010 7:05 PM

Balls Mahoney, I can't start my day without some sort of genital stimulation. I prefer masturbation to hitting my penis with a hammer.

Lindsey with an 'e', I stand corrected. ;)

As for Fleshlights. Ahem. They aren't close to a substitute to the real thing and it's too messy for a satisfying quickie. They definitely work, and work well, but Rosie Palm knows how to do it right any time, any way, any where.

Posted by: RobP at June 8, 2010 7:10 PM

The best gift a high school boyfriend every bought for me was a big, shiny, purple vibrator.

I named him Sir Purple Longfellow III.

Posted by: Dingles at June 8, 2010 7:24 PM

I think my ex-girlfriend may have written this.

Posted by: atrane at June 8, 2010 7:57 PM

No, there is a sex toy double standard and it's mostly enforced by men. A woman with a vibrator is hot. A man with a Fleshlight is sad -- "Go get laid, you pitiful twerp." I'm guilty of this kind of thinking. I've considered getting a Fleshlight, but it just seems too pathetic. It doesn't make sense, but there it is.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 8, 2010 8:09 PM

Hey. I'm not putting my regular name on here because you people know too much about my sex life already.

rio, literally, Don't sweat it. Are you pretty young, like twenties-ish? Just book yourself a couple of hours of pure private here and there and try different touches or toys without trying to orgasm. I never had anything but an on-top orgasm until I was 29.

29! Now, thanks to just experimenting on my own during a period where I wanted to be alone and now to my super cute/staggeringly dirty guy, it's UTTER AND COMPLETE NONSENSE. I have been compared to fatiguing effects of sandstorms and Body armor.

PS I don't like watching a stranger whip it but watching the guy I care about? Hell yeah!

PS I am aware that no one really wants to hear about anyone older than 29 and Dirty Nonsense.

Just Saying.

Posted by: Dawn Weiner at June 8, 2010 8:17 PM

I'm shocked people wait so long. And though I've nothing against using toys with a partner, when alone I find my mind the greatest tool.

Also, Dr. P., I love you and your column!

Posted by: Cindy at June 8, 2010 8:22 PM

Don't worry Rio, I had almost the exact same pillow-y deal going on, except I started at 4 or 5. I've heard early masturbation can be a sign of a chaotic family life. Is that the case? I'm no expert, although mine would qualify.

Funny thing is, even though I started early, I don't orgasm from masturbation or sex at 19. Do many women simply not come "on-line" until their early to mid-twenties or later? As in they are biologically unable to orgasm? Is it all psychological?

That being said, I love my vibrator (it's rechargeable--environmentally friendly!) and I would not be nearly as interested in sex without it, so that does for now.

Posted by: !scheisse at June 8, 2010 8:53 PM

I have orgasms in my sleep. This girl, I tell you: always multi-tasking.

Posted by: Lauren at June 8, 2010 9:24 PM

you can't pass on the knowledge of pulsation and vibration to a partner.

So, mumbling "Level three! LEVEL THREE." isn't helpful? Shit . . .

Posted by: Lauren at June 8, 2010 9:29 PM

Late bloomer here. Didn't have sex until I was 21, didn't orgasm until I was... 22? 23? ...because I started masturbating. Which did make sex a hell of a lot more pleasant.

And now, I'm quite a fan.

Posted by: linny at June 8, 2010 9:36 PM

Ummm, can I HELP? Need a target?

Lindsey, FTW.

Posted by: stopthemadness at June 8, 2010 9:40 PM

I have masturbated since I can remember, and I always did it on my stomach, though I did use my hands. Only in the past year or so have I started to be able to orgasm in other positions or with other people... although since I'm only 21, I think that might have a lot to do with my sex partners getting more mature and better at, you know, sexings.

I masturbate at least once a day. If I don't, I get all antsy and pissed off. One of my favorite things to do is make a sexual partner sit in a chair and just watch me go at it. I'm totally self-sufficient if I need to be-- I just choose to share with others.

I've also occasionally been able to think myself to orgasm. I really want to get more reliable at it and be able to just do it on command when I'm bored.

Posted by: That Girl at June 8, 2010 9:50 PM

No, there is a sex toy double standard and it's mostly enforced by men. A woman with a vibrator is hot. A man with a Fleshlight is sad -- "Go get laid, you pitiful twerp."

It is an extension of the masturbation double standard, I think.

At least among other men, a woman masturbating is seen as erotic and desireable. A man masturbating is seen as pathetic. I recently had a male-to-male discussion with my nephews about girls and sex, just so I could clear up some misconceptions (because I knew we weren't going to take care of no babies).

While the younger nephews were receptive (if a little bored), the oldest one, at 23 (supposedly a grown man), was a sad example of mixed-up priorities. Anytime masturbation was mentioned, he felt compelled to say how he needed to get a new girl. When asked about it, he proceeded to tell me the stupidest thing I have ever heard, which involved him boasting about how he never had to masturbate, since he always had a girl to sleep with.

It was sad. Not just the unhealthy attitude towards the topic, or the need to impress his own family, but the thought process that he needed a girlfriend, not because he wanted a companion, but because he didn't want to have to masturbate to get sexual release.

It went from sad to stupid when he said he wanted to have a train run on him. When I explained what exactly that entailed, he tried to recover, but just made it worse. Of course, the very next night, during a regrettable viewing of The Ugly Truth, he professed a desire to own a pair of vibrating underwear.

I think he may be in denial (he has mental issues stemming from drug use already) about a lot. ANd if I thought he could take such useful advice like this seriously, I would point him right to it.

Oh well. At least I can help the ones coming up behind him.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 8, 2010 9:51 PM

hey guys and ladies check out my new shirt it has ten times when the F word is appropriate when Titanic sank when the a Bomb went off when Custer was surrounded by Indians when Einstein describes his theories when Picasso painted when Michelangelo painted the Sistine chapel when Amelia Earhart got lost when Bill Clinton got impeached when Noah saw the flood and when Saddam got captured.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at June 8, 2010 9:54 PM

Seriously girls, you should check out the SaSi. Expensive, yes. But sooooooo worth it.

http://store.babeland.com/vibrators-premium/sasi-vibrator-by-babeland

It doesn't actually vibrate unless you want it to. So you don't have to cum as quickly as you might with, say, a Hitachi.

Posted by: MyySharona at June 8, 2010 10:05 PM

Apparently, regular masturbation is also good for keeping the prostate healthy. But I'm with you, Dr. P, do we really need to justify it? Just say your knee starts itching, you don't need to justify it with the benefit it provides your knee, you just scratch the damn thing.

So, um, do any other women find they're more likely to ejaculate when they've using vibrators?

Posted by: ScienceGeek at June 8, 2010 10:36 PM

does anybody here shave their crotch i do i learned it from the Muslims and it feels great

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at June 8, 2010 10:40 PM

ScienceGeek raises a most interesting question with respect to female ejaculation (okay, so they're all interesting questions in this regard). What is the latest science and numerology, Dr. P? I didn't become a believer until the last decade, and I'm still unsure that I'm not just chasing a chimera with Mrs. G...

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 8, 2010 10:50 PM

Che, I don't know many details myself. I know it's been proven that at least some women do it but I don't know if there's evidence that all women can - it might be one of those things that some just do and some don't. I'll have to look into it.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at June 8, 2010 11:37 PM

*KNOCK * KNOCK

"Jay! Ya been in the bathroom for 20 minutes now. What the hell you doin' in there?"

"I'M GOING BLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!!!!!!"

Posted by: bleujayone at June 8, 2010 11:53 PM

28 yr old female and I do it regularly. Use it like a Valium before bedtime :-) I also worked at a porn store a few years ago (no nudie booths, just sold toys, condoms and movies) and the number one group I had coming in day in and day out were young women in their 20's and 30's either buying toys, or asking how to achieve orgasm. I was raised by a nurse, so I was fortunate to have a frank outlook on sex, and always had a laundry list of tips for them.

Posted by: scorzi at June 9, 2010 12:00 AM

Late to the party of course...

Despite my ultra-controlling parents best efforts to make me a shame-filled, uptight prude, I have overcome, and I masturbate regularly, AND write erotica. Take that, Mom.

[However, I am not so shameless that I can post this under my usual nom-de-Pajiba. There's an imminent lawsuit amongst my not-so-loving family, and I don't need any bad publicity. Can't imagine what my bitch SIL would do with the above information, but it wouldn't be good.]

(Oh, and Mom, I found that cute little pink vibrator by your bed when I packed up your house. Hope you're getting some in heaven. No, I'm not going to church. Are you out of your mind?)

@science geek

Think you're onto something about female ejaculation...it's definitely more common with a vibrator for this gal.

@Dr. Pisaster

Is the term "piv" sex really so ubiquitous that it doesn't need to be explained? I knew what it was, because I'm on the internet a lot and love dirty slang, but does everyone know this? Curious dirty minds want to know. That might be a fun post, a quiz on dirty slang over the years (including a few old terms, just to give us senile old farts a leg up). You know what else is fun? Literal translations of dirty words from other languages. OMG. That keeps me amused for hours. (Check out the Alternative Dictionary to see what I mean.)

Posted by: Vanga at June 9, 2010 12:20 AM

In college in the late 80s, early 90s, we talked about everything involving guy/girl sex. We never talked about masturbation. I doubt most of us would even cop to it and I'm pretty sure some of us didn't know HOW.

I was late to the self-love game, but once I got the hang of it, there was no going back.

I firmly believe it's healthy for you. If you have a headache, it can actually get rid of it (sometimes).

As for vibrators, though, I've never really been into them. I don't own one. I don't NEED one. I have a hand. All I need.

Posted by: Snuggiepants at June 9, 2010 1:26 AM

Further proof of how society has shamed me on this subject: I'm now looking at that and wishing I had used a fake fake name. Ug.

Posted by: Snuggiepants at June 9, 2010 1:33 AM

i se the overwhelming respnse, and so am hesitant to give my two cents.

I had one girlfriend who used a vibrating toy copiously. we had a good sex life, but, i have to confess, it was always a lot of work to get her off. i was an orally fixated male and still it was a herculean effort.

Because, out of all the women, the one that was so hard was an avid user of electronic stimulation, I came to think it had numbed her, or at least desensitized her to need super rapid vibration from the toy.

I don't even have a question as the females have all spoke up here, in favour of their toys.

I just feel that, from my experience, toys, the vibrating kind, may sometimes leave women unable to get off on organic stimulus.

i realize all the flak i will get from this.

Posted by: idleprimate at June 9, 2010 1:41 AM

Vanga - actually, I'm not sure. I read a lot of feminist sites so I may overestimate its general usage. No one has asked so I'm assuming anyone who didn't recognize it just went over to urban dictionary and educated themselves (piv stands for penis in vagina if anyone out there is both curious and lazy).
idleprimate - there's a lot of variation in how easily women get off. It may have been that your ex needed the stronger stimulation to get off in the first place and that's why she relied on the vibrator, not that it desensitized her. You can train your body to prefer certain forms of stimulation but I've never heard of anyone losing sensitivity because of a vibrator. Did you ever consider incorporating it into your mutual sex life? Like using the vibrator on her while also going down on her? I know plenty of women would love to combine stimulation from a toy with stimulation from a partner. Anyway, something to consider if the situation comes up again.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at June 9, 2010 2:02 AM

Ummm, can I HELP? Need a target?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 8, 2010 6:02 PM
---
Ready ... aim ...

Posted by: , at June 9, 2010 2:06 AM

Inspired by Shirley Conran's classic piece of literature, Lace, at age 11 (which one of you bitches is my mother?) there was no stopping me!

Posted by: carmensandiego at June 9, 2010 2:12 AM

I just cant do it...I feel like if I jack off I'll be destroying some future Dr. Martin Luther King. I don't want my horniness to ruin the future of black America.

Posted by: Gamal at June 9, 2010 2:56 AM

och, dr. pisaster, because i never encountered it elsewhere, i never thought about the chicken proceeding the egg. maybe the nembness brought on that excessive use of vibrator. i'll never know, since it was in the past, but, i'd rather think that, because she was the only girl i ever knew where my interest and stamina ran out when there was still demand. and i always felt guilty for being tired.

Posted by: idleprimate at June 9, 2010 3:26 AM

What a thoughtful and informative column and set of comments.
Hat tip to y'all!
(apart from Utah Dynamo, cos he really seems like a wanker)

Posted by: frank_247 at June 9, 2010 4:41 AM

I happily live in a house full of sexual deviants. There is a vibrator that lives in the bathroom named the Jolly Roger. The bathroom reading material varies from copies of Time magazine to Playboy. There is a B&W nudie book or two on the coffee table and the bathroom and bedrooms get a bit noisy from time to time. A visiting mother referred to all this in shock as the house being a bit "DUSTY".
Does anyone know if the is a fleshlight adapter for the vacum cleaner and where I could get one???
I would love to stay and chat but I have some dusting to do.

Posted by: peanut at June 9, 2010 7:30 AM

Che Er, if there's interest from the Mrs, and nobody minds the potential TMI, I could share what I know about improving her chances of ejaculating. (Yes, I've 'studied' it. But if you've experienced this kind of orgasm, you want more, okay?)

.. I may have said WAY too much.


Dr pisaster Based on what I read in 'Bonk' by Mary Roach, about 40% of women can/do ejaculate. Based purely on personal experience, even for the women who can, it's still not every time (even with assistance).

idleprimate I'm a big fan of vibrators, but I think they can be a little numbing, although it's usually during sex itself. As in, when the vibrator is used first, sometimes manual stimulation is less effective. On the other hand, I find it harder to orgasm when I'm tired, stressed or sick, so there's a physical element that has nothing to do with the vibrator.
Regardless, don't feel guilty. This is definitely one of those things that are probably 90% biology and 10% mental and 0% boyfriend.

Posted by: ScienceGeek at June 9, 2010 7:48 AM

Pipe cleaner dolls! I'm making some when I get home. I want them for my desk at work.

Posted by: name required at June 9, 2010 8:39 AM

@ScienceGeek: Not sure what you have in mind, but opportunities to discuss this sort of thing are too few and far between in my humdrum life to pass now.

My challenge is twofold: 1) not knowing -- either of us -- if she is capable, and 2) working in the dark (so to speak). Let me elaborate. My ex was a squirter (please forgive the vernacular). While she could achieve that particular climax without industrial aid, tools seemed to help a great deal. Vibration didn't seem to be a major factor; her favorite toy was a smooth glass dildo of unspectacular proportion (i.e., nothing superhuman) -- it and my tongue together were particularly effective. However, that's the vast majority of my experience in this area. OK, enough with the history.

Perhaps I'm being oversensitive (wouldn't be the first time), but I'm hesitant to even broach the subject with Mrs. G since I have no idea if this is a (potentially) universal experience or not. I firmly believe that I would know by now if she had had this experience before, so I'm convinced she hasn't. Trouble is, I think if I tried to draw her into my snipe hunt that she would be disappointed (or worse) if there was no snipe to be found. This makes me question my own motives, which I believe to be altruistic but are probably also tinged with ego (and possibly greed). Basically, I don't want to make a bigger deal out of this than is warranted. There is certainly no problem or deficiency that needs to be addressed; it's more of an intellectual/more-is-better exercise on my part.

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 9, 2010 9:34 AM

We need to have a Pajiba Rub-One-Out Day, see if the simultaneous splooge of 3,000 people can ... I dunno, reverse time or cure cancer or something. Call it the Venus Butterfly effect (even though that would require a partner, but I like how it sounds, so sue me).

I say, 11 a.m. EST today.

I'll be in my shower.

Posted by: , at June 9, 2010 10:20 AM

Hey, there was this one time I was ...

PS I am aware that no one really wants to hear about anyone older than 29 and Dirty Nonsense.

Just Saying.

Posted by: Dawn Weiner at June 8, 2010 8:17 PM
---
Oh.

*makes sad face*

Posted by: , at June 9, 2010 10:26 AM

I was discussing masturbation recently with a friend (she was freaked out because she stumbled on her step-dad's google porn search and was mortified that a widowed, single man in his 60's would use internet porn) and she was really surprised to find out that I still masturbate, even though I'm married. Yes, she is pretty naieve for being 32. I used this helpful analogy to explain it: sometimes, you want a 5 course romantic meal and sometimes you're happy with a good burger, but sometimes all you want is the french fries from the drive through! Just because you love good food doesn't mean you can't love french fries, too! Sometimes you might be willing to share your fries, but most of the time you just want them all to yourself. Everybody needs french fries sometime!

Also, oddly enough, my husband has never managed to masturbate to orgasm. I don't think he's even tried since we've been together, but it was one of the things he told me about when we first got together. I think it had a lot to do with the total lack of privacy when he was a kid (mom, dad and grandma plus 4 boys in a 2 bedroom condo).
Actually, he had never had an orgasm with a partner either - only during dreams(and he was 24), but we fixed that problem with about 2 days of "therapy."

Of course, after that analogy, now when ever I hear someone say they want some french fries, I giggle.

Posted by: peachfish at June 9, 2010 11:52 AM

I am alllllll about efficiency in these pants.
Posted by: Vermillion at June 8, 2010 5:13 PM

Ummm... Freudian slip?

Posted by: Odnon. at June 9, 2010 1:20 PM

Where would I be without masturbation?
I'd still be a PDP8I in some geek's computer lab, using punch cards to make pictures of boobies, that's where.

Posted by: The Internet. at June 9, 2010 1:22 PM

peachfish,

Married, happily. And still Do. Your libidos are not always gonna sync. No big deal. I'm ready when she's ready, but rather than make her nuts with whiny "When are we gonna ...?" well, God made my arms that long for a reason.

Posted by: , at June 9, 2010 2:18 PM

Che Yeah, that's a little awkward with your wife. It's so much more difficult when you can't be sure that she's even able to do it. I'm not entirely sure how you could handle it, though it may be that she has squirted, but thought she'd actually lost control of her bladder, and been too embarrassed to ever talk about it, or try to recreate it. That was my experience, but fortunately, the first time it happened was with my fiance, and he figured out what was really happening. If he'd been an ignorant jerk who'd screamed 'my god, you pissed on me!!', I'd have never got over the shame. I'm comfortable just about everything to do with sex (short of the stuff they feature in 'Cracked' articles), but being a squirter still makes me feel like a freak.

As for the tips, I'm not planning classes or anything, but, well, they ARE really good orgasms, and hey, the more 'freaks' the better, right?
Okay. Sorry if this horrifies anybody. I'm going to have to avoid personal pronouns here, because I'm already blushing.

*Pelvic floor muscles are a woman's best friend.
*It helps if the woman's bladder is at least half full. Perhaps it's got something to do with various muscles having something to work against.
*Also, simultaneous g-spot and clitoral stimulation seem to be the most effective, which you already have figured out.
*More likely to happen in the missionary with legs spread position, and if the woman's already very aroused (particularly the first few times, a 'regular' orgasm beforehand appears to help a lot).

This is only based on personal experience (wow, is it getting warm in here?). I've never even discussed this outside the internet - I can't even imagine how some of my friends would react.

Posted by: ScienceGeek at June 9, 2010 5:38 PM

you should know i write my own porn.that's how i met my best friend the Muslim girl.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at June 9, 2010 7:54 PM

...but being a squirter still makes me feel like a freak.

I appreciate your honesty, SG, but that statement makes me more than a little sad (unless, perchance, you mean "freak" in the Rick James sense). Thanks for being willing to extend the discussion in a serious manner. I get the sense through the first couple of iterations of this feature that Dr. P has her work cut out for her in terms of maintaining the tension between the scholarly and the sophomoric...

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 10, 2010 8:56 AM

@blackisred WTF!!! Are you my doppleganger? :o I had my first ogazm at about 22 and my friendsw/bens got me a hitachi for vday on the eve of my 27th bday. (well, a month before 27) there is also a strong possibility that we'll tie the knot someday. I have always told him I see us being each other's 3rd marriages once we've matured and lived a bit, but he recently told me he thinks we should skip the first two ;3 how bizarre, hope it works out for you two!!!

In other related news, I just bought a 20 year old ogazm free friend her first vibe this year and fully intend to make it a tradition for my open gal pals who are struggling in that area. Pocket rockets for all!!!!

Posted by: Bonnye at June 13, 2010 5:21 PM

One more thing I feel the need to share!

HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL IS THE DEVIL!

I recently discovered my lack of sex drive is a direct result of the shit. I took it for a very long time when I was younger and assumed that my shitty labido was all me and a problem I just had to except. I had a tragic end to a really significant relationship last year after which I stopped the bcontrol. At the start of that relationship, sex was more fulfilling and natural (prepills) interest and satisfaction decreased overtime and I assumed it was related to us being together for so long. After our breakup (and me quitting the pills) I magically got horny as fuck. Again, blaming something else I thought it was because I missed my ex. Not interested in getting tied down right away, I started up my friends/wbens and later had that and started dating a friend of a friend. I was having sex three times a night and wrecking the guy I started dating. Voracious and LOVING it! But(!) we were both interested in ending the leash condoms had on our genitals, so I got my pills refilled. Immediately following my first . (when you start the pills) everything changed. Decreased interest, lack of sensitivity to pleasure, heightened sensitivity to pain/discomfort, WAYLESSWET!! (/cry)

I am now looking into alternatives with my new gyno, personally I would prefer something permanent, but since I'm only 27 I apparently can't yet be trusted to make such serious and permanent decisions about my body. (despite the fact that I've known since about 17 and haven't changed my mind) Fuck you, healthcare system!!!

Posted by: Bonnye at June 13, 2010 5:57 PM





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