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Baby, Come Over, I Need Entertaining. I Had a Stilted, Pretending Day


"Celebrities Are Better Than You" / Courtney Enlow

Miscellaneous | August 3, 2010 | Comments (24)


You know how on the show Hoarders, usually the subject’s house is full of hazardous junk and worthless trash, all of which is cluttering up every visible inch, and someone always manages to pull out a few dried out husks of fur and bone that used to be the cat?

That’s pretty much entertainment news at this moment. Lindsay Lohan is the dead cat, all dramatic music stings and disgusted groans, and everything else is just gross filler.

You guys, there’s been nothing. Fucking nothing. Here’s just how nothing there’s been. This was one of the top stories on the homepage of The Hollywood Reporter, the nation’s oldest, once respected, entertainment trade publication.

Emmy-nominated actress Lea Michele narrowly avoided a horrific car accident Sunday at 4:45 p.m. involving an overturned car. While stopped at the intersection, a car running a red light collided with a truck, causing the truck to flip over multiple times before eventually stopping a few feet from Michele’s vehicle. The star immediately exited the car and stepped to safety on the side of the road. “The Office” star Mindy Kaling was also tied up in traffic that developed as a result of the accident.

ChynaPicture.jpgSo some chick from a TV show didn’t get into a car accident, and Mindy Kaling got stuck in traffic. Janice Min, you’re a dick. A lady dick. A clit. But not in a good way. The sex tape stills of Chyna’s roidy one (don’t Google that). That kind.

By the way, I’m really happy that Lea Michele is OK after her traumatic episode. It was pretty shitty of the guy with the steering column through his throat to scare her like that.

Honestly, that’s pretty much all there is. Other than that, it’s been nothing but Lindsay Lohan might be addicted to meth, Lindsay Lohan might be bi-polar, Lindsay Lohan didn’t even get to have her hair done and get photographed before she was whisked off to rehab.

A quick digression before quickly getting off the subject and never speaking of her again, but I am so sick of celebrities playing the “I might be bi-polar” card to make them look less degenerate to the masses. For those of us who’ve had our lives in some ways fucked up by BPD, ours or a loved one’s, it’s really not too enjoyable to hear it used as an excuse for some starlet to do a lot of coke and for her mom to get into a fight over Fudgie the fucking Whale.

I am not going to pretend that I am in any way above mindless celebrity chatter. Hell, sometimes it pays my bills. But if there’s nothing to say, then just don’t say anything. Don’t rehash Angelina the Whore Mistress vs. Jennifer the Sad Cat Lady because you don’t have a better cover story. Don’t update the world daily on Britney Spear’s hillbilly rat’s nest hair. And don’t make me angrily have to write about the nothing you’re writing about, thereby essentially having me write about nothing and making my brain implode into a big Escher mess of layered stupid.

Follow Courtney Enlow on Twitter, and read her other stuff at HoboTrashcan.com.


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Comments

I want to cuddle with the writhing hatred spewing through your fingers, then suddenly devour the head of your anger just when it's starting to subside. That's how much I love it.

Posted by: superasente at August 3, 2010 2:08 PM

Who the hell are these women, and why are they men?

Posted by: BWeaves at August 3, 2010 2:44 PM

I want to hump your face for using that lyric in your title.

Posted by: feramones at August 3, 2010 2:57 PM

Bah! superasente took the words right of my... fingers. Bah!

Posted by: RobP at August 3, 2010 2:58 PM

I am loving this column so very much.

The fucking Lohan thing. I usually wouldn't give a shit, but that idiot is fucking EVERYWHERE these days.

STOP.
TALKING.
ABOUT.
HER.
ON.
THE.
NEWS.

THE ACTUAL NEWS. Not even the shitty tabloid shows. NBC NEWS. WHY?! This bitch hasn't done anything worthwhile in 10 years! WHY?!

And because I will never get an answer to this my anger just grows and grows and I will probably eat a baby today.

Posted by: figgy at August 3, 2010 3:05 PM

(though of course, one could make the argument that NBC news is no different from The Insider or Extra these days, but that's another bottle of rage altogether)

Posted by: figgy at August 3, 2010 3:06 PM

I wonder if Lea was, for a brief moment, pissed she wasn't severely injured or killed during this traumatic experience. After all, her chances of winning the Emmy this year would have increased ten fold.

P.S. Thanks to The Hollywood Reporter for making me hate the girl more than I did ten minutes ago.

Posted by: Barnes78 at August 3, 2010 3:13 PM

I like how rather than seeing if she could help with the car accident she ran to the side of the street...probably chatting on her cell phone...watching someone bleed and she says, "Oh my god, my car seriously almost got hit. Ewww. I think this dude might bleed on it."

Posted by: DeistBrawler at August 3, 2010 3:22 PM

The other day in West Hollywood there were a bunch of paparazzi gathered at the building next to my office. Tangential though it might be, I was thrilled for this potential brush with fame. A car exited the parking garage, and the paparazzi eagerly turned their frantically clicking cameras toward the back seat's open window as it went past. I caught a fleeting glimpse of part of an arm and the edge of blond tresses. I think it was Paris! Paris uses a car to get around, and sometimes she opens the window! She visits office buildings! What a revelation!

It's almost as if...she's just like us.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at August 3, 2010 3:28 PM

CNN.com is my homepage on my laptop, and the scrolling breaking news at the top of the page one day last week was about how Ellen is quitting American Idol. And I got so angry I wanted to punch a puppy in the face.

Posted by: Dorothy Snarker at August 3, 2010 3:53 PM

Hey Dorothy, CNN! oh yeah! In my medium home town in Manitoba, Canada on the front page of my paper (in a red banner no less) "Lindsay Lohan off to re-hab, see full story". My gawd, the pod people are winning.

Posted by: Boonie at August 3, 2010 4:04 PM

P.S. Thanks to The Hollywood Reporter for making me hate the girl more than I did ten minutes ago.

I understand being pissed at THR for reporting the non-news, but why is Lea Michele getting the treatment here? We know nothing other than the accident happened near her, and she got out of her car. How does this inspire hatred?

Posted by: branded at August 3, 2010 4:57 PM

Bi-polar is the new dehydration--which was the new exhaustion--which was the new Manhattan Transfer.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at August 3, 2010 5:56 PM

@BRANDED

Her character is one of the reasons why I dislike GLEE as much as I do. My disgust with her isn't anything new. Is she talented? Yes, to a point. Is she overrated? Me thinks she is, to an irritating degree. It's difficult for me to root for 'Rachel' when she's portrayed as such a self indulged, spoiled, arrogant, needy person. It's highly possible that she's a gem in person and she'd be favorite hag since Gayle King, but based on what I have thus far...I won't hold my breathe.

Posted by: Barnes78 at August 3, 2010 6:08 PM

And because I will never get an answer to this my anger just grows and grows and I will probably eat a baby today.

Posted by: figgy at August 3, 2010 3:05 PM

NNNOOOOOOOO! Who among us has not felt this urge? But I beseech you, either join a 12-step program (I'm now 90 days baby-eating free!) or at least begin with a puppy and see how your anger responds.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at August 3, 2010 9:48 PM

It's difficult for me to root for 'Rachel' when she's portrayed as such a self indulged, spoiled, arrogant, needy person. It's highly possible that she's a gem in person and she'd be favorite hag since Gayle King, but based on what I have thus far...I won't hold my breathe.

So, is this directed at her character or the actress herself? I guess I don't understand why in this particular situation Lea Michele is rippable.

Posted by: branded at August 4, 2010 1:13 AM

BRANDED,

With apologies, did the protocol for "ripping" on Pajiba go through some restructuring? I'm not a fan of the character or the actress in question. Surely you can extend some leverage on this. I imagine you have a number of public figures that, no matter what they say or do, you still don't like them at the end of the day. Should Ms. Michele come across this thread, I'm confident she'll appreciate your defense of her fine name.

Posted by: Barnes78 at August 4, 2010 2:32 AM

@branded: It is just one of those things. The concept of irrational hatred has been discussed at length here. Folks just have a lot of hate, and not all of it can have a reason.

@Barnes78: I think the problem is that there is a difference between "I dislike her, no matter what" and "I dislike her no matter what, so I will make ridiculous assumptions about her based only on that". That extra effort to make her look bad just seems unnecessary and disrespectful. And you are putting words in her mouth, so to speak.

Not saying you can't still dislike her, just don't make up shit just so you can.

Posted by: Vermillion at August 4, 2010 6:21 AM

I always think old folks are kinda of special charming!! and so do many hot cougars on ==== Cougarmony.com

==== the place where hot and sincerely ageless people meet and mingle, become friends and even more!!!

Posted by: cuttiebabe123 at August 4, 2010 7:46 AM

NNNOOOOOOOO! Who among us has not felt this urge? But I beseech you, either join a 12-step program (I'm now 90 days baby-eating free!) or at least begin with a puppy and see how your anger responds.

Dude, NO! Don't push puppies on her!
What kind of a monster are you??

Babies grow into Paris and Perez Hiltons, and Russell Brands and Katherine Heigls.

Puppies are cute and harmless, and grow into stalwart, loyal companions.

Go for the baby, figgy!!

Posted by: Rykker at August 4, 2010 10:12 AM

The concept of irrational hatred has been discussed at length here. Folks just have a lot of hate, and not all of it can have a reason.

It's not my first time in the Pajiban rodeo, V. I understand irrational hatred around here very well, but as you said, it's the assumptions part of it. We're (justifiably) criticising the source of the information for reporting non-news, but then using that same non-news to rip the subjects. I have no stock in defending any particular person.

Posted by: branded at August 4, 2010 10:48 AM

@VERMILLION,

I put words in someone's mouth? Ridiculous assumptions? Erm...what? I have to say I'm perplexed as to why you two are jumping at six's and seven's to the defense of Ms. Michele's good name. On top of that, you parent me on an angle that runs rampant throughout this site (and others) on a regular basis. I would venture a theory that most people disdain Lohan, not necessarily because of her chosen lifestyle, but because of the amount of press her lifestyle gets. Sure, her lifestyle isn't the most productive and mature, but she isn't much different than the tons of folk who keep pubs and bars across America in the black. On some level, that isn't her fault, however it doesn't stop legions of folk from hating, judging and critiquing 'her' when it's the system itself that should get a spanking. Talk about unnecessary and disrespectful. On top of that...make up shit so I can have more reason to hate her? If you're referring to the very first comment I made, it wasn't even a statement, it's a query. On top of that, it was meant in jest to the morbid love Hollywood has with deceased actors, especially during an Awards season.

Posted by: Barnes78 at August 4, 2010 1:13 PM

As long as Lindsay is keeping Kendra! off the front page of the tabs, I'm a happy guy. At least Lindsay was in a good movie, once.

Posted by: , at August 4, 2010 6:39 PM

Dude, NO! Don't push puppies on her!
What kind of a monster are you??

Babies grow into Paris and Perez Hiltons, and Russell Brands and Katherine Heigls.

Puppies are cute and harmless, and grow into stalwart, loyal companions.

Go for the baby, figgy!!

Posted by: Rykker at August 4, 2010 10:12 AM

Thinning the herd. Yeah, I believe in that too. But I quit eating babies and joined the Program when I realized that those babies could just as easily grow up to be hot, TALENTED people. Yeah, it's true! So, figgy, just try not to eat any sentient being for now, kay?

Posted by: Uriah Creep at August 5, 2010 12:20 AM





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